Any and all critiques are welcome! And yes i'm aware some of their names are based off plants thats just how it be in this world, i've had people make fun of it just because i didn't clarify beforehand. Earth guardians are also human-like people who can control plants! Persona is the main villain and creator of chaos and demons as well. If you need clarification for anything else I got you
This is me tryna kill time 'til my phone is charged so i can go to sleep (that doenst' make sense but i'm seleepy) so if any of this is me being Slow/Stupid, I apologize but anyway here re e we goooo oooo o
Overview:
Under 'Other Names' you could explain where he got his name! It could help with development in ways you won't even realize, or it could end up being pointless, but at least ya did it, right?
For the introvert/extrovert ordeal, I do see it as a spectrum, and introverts have different preferences socially. I'd love to see how his introvertness shows!
Looks:
I'm not an expert but 130 lbs. for a 5'4 male seems slightlyyy underweight. If this was intentional then by all means, but just letting you know. I'm a 5'2 female and I'm about 125 lbs., and I'm pretty sure I should be weighing just a wee bit more.
For hair, why is it always messy? is it a personal choice, or does it just kinda,,happen? What type of yellow are his eyes? Does being a half demon mean his pupils look different?
Has he always been skinny? How strong are his muscles?
Nature:
Love how you did the mannerisms! You're more in-depth on that than I am. A couple of questions; that's a LOT of fidgeting for just normal everyday mood, does he possibly have anxiety? I know it says he's nervous and anxious a lot, which can also cause it, but if he's nervous that often, maybe consider looking into anxiety! Additionally, what, specifically, if any, caused him to be so nervous all the time?
For talents, it says he's surprisingly good at lying, but he doesn't like to. This part mostly makes sense. Since he worries about what other people think about him it'd make sense that he tries to stay honest and on everyone's good side, but he seems real nervous and anxious for someone who's good at lying. For the most part, deception requires the ability to hold yourself in a higher tone, to be confident, and to sound like you know what you're talking about.
(Hell yeah snakes. I love snakes i have a corn snake named Mac:) he's shy and sensitive LOL anyway)
Okay, I enjoy his personality, but I'm starting to get Mary Sue vibes. I can't say for sure quite yet, but right now I think the only flaw he has is the fact that he's half demon, and even he's trying to change that about him. Something to help this is to give him an "Unforgivable Mistake". I think it would fit best with his personality. Maybe he did something in Demon-Mode that he will Always Regret, and starts to develop an identity around this mistake, causing him to be unable to accept himself because of this. It'll affect his relationships and outlook on the world.
History:
"Otis didn't exactly like this and he didn't really use his abilities when he finally understood how to use them, this would carry over into his later life when he becomes afraid to use these demonic abilities which is only made to harm others a not aide."
This is just a grammatical issue, but this seems like a run-on sentence. I know i'm sleepy, but I had to read it twice and slowly in order to understand. I think you can break it into two sentences to make it more digestible.
Okay so we did get an explanation for him being nervous all the time! Love that, but I still think he could do with having an Unforgivable Mistake. If he grew up immediately striving for goodness, the only motivation being to prove his elementary bullies wrong, it seems to be a little lacking. Obviously, that's a good motivation to start with, but we all make mistakes.
Social:
What's the Guardian Religion? Is it polytheistic, monotheistic, or something more like Buddhism? What are their ideals? What do they practice?
What's his duties as a Royal Earth Guardian Messenger?
Why does he like bright colors? Why does he dislike neon?
Why does he like pasta?
Why does he prefer a bow and arrow?
Relationships W/ Other Characters:
Ohohooohooho i LOVE this. This is amazing devlopment, I love writing about how characters feel about the other people in their stories. Anyway cracks knuckles let's do this.
Mother:
Love this relationship! Were there ever any bumps in the road? Did Otis at any point in his life blame his mother for his existence? Who is more protective?
Bio Father:
I'm guessing he has some sort of demonic underworldly name, and that's why no one remembers it? He still taught some things to Otis, so we know he was at least a father for a few years. Though to Otis and his mother there seems to be no reason, but did the father actually have a reason? What secrets was his father hiding? (Obviously these can't exactly be answered on Otis's page, but i figured it'd help)
Step Father:
It's good he still connects with his stepfather, even so early on. However, I think that extroverts and introverts make great duos. Obviously, it's still a spectrum, so if his extrovert traits all oppose Otis's introvert traits, there would definitely be some collision.
Younger Brother:
Very good sibling relationship! Keep in mind that the teenage years might bring more tension. Even if over petty things, teenagers are dramatic lol.
Youngest Brother:
Glad that Sorrel learns quickly about the differences in people and adapts accordingly. This can be a virtue about him, but there should still be some sort of flaw from Sorrel. Being extroverted isn't exactly a flaw, so we can't blame him for being overwhelming to Otis.
Pike: anyway so i may or may not have a crush on pike but also i don't have anything to critique on this one it's honestly great
Ember: damb i really got a crush on ember too anyway This is great! There should definitely still be a bit of drama back and forth. I've got a "Like the brother/sister I never had" friendship myself and we've butted heads a few times, because that's just how people are. Luckily we've stayed friends after all these years, but that doesn't mean we've had a perfect friendship the whole time!
Zara: ok you're gonna have to stop creating female characters because i'm falling for all of them anywAY yes I love this relationship! Otis has some issues with Zara but they still bond and agree with each other. I'd love to see what their interactions look like.
Jax: I love the idea of coming to terms with your inner demon; I'm exploring that idea myself with a little story I'm working on. Other than that I have nothing to critique here!
Persona: Okay I'm not entirely sure on the story from this BUT it sounds like there's a PERFECT opportunity for a manipulative relationship here. Maybe Otis doesn't realize how much he hates Persona at first because she convinces him that she's "perfect" and shouldn't be questioned. This can cause a lot of very Fun Internal Conflict with Otis where he has to seriously develop a moral basis.
Race/Species:
Under general abilities, where did he get his healing factor? is that all human practice, or is it magic? His demon abilities are all harmful as I recall, so I'm curious where he gets healing.
Under notes, I like the inability to recognize social cues and a certain disconnection from emotions. This can make him relatable to a certain crowd, but be careful not to demonize these traits. This is actually a very human experience.
Magic:
Does he automatically absorb the chaos? What effects does this have when in a crowd? Passing by an arguing couple? Does he feel fueled by the negative energy? Obviously it drains him immediately after use, but what if he doesn't use it?
OKay!! This is the best I can get for ya. I hope it's not too brutal/not enough haha, i'm about to pass out uwu thank you for helping me kill like a whole hour!
Ahh thank you so much for the critiques!! This is exactly the kind of analysis I was looking for!!! I'm just gonna clarify some of your questions since it would stick better in my head and if they seem to make sense to you as a outside perspective
Overview/Looks:
When I myself came up with a name for Otis I wanted to chose a name that doesn't sound very intimidating or cute for male names. I just thought it fit the bill but I might have to think for a more "in universe" reason. His hair is naturally more messy, all demons have yellow eyes and their pupils are normal, he got this from his dad. His is more skinny but being part demon he is naturally stronger without muscles so that part is a mistake so I'll be taking that out.
Mannerisms/Talents
I do see him having anxiety, although I was a bit on the fence about if he was just naturally a very nervous and fidgety person, maybe it being a more "undiagnosed anxiety" situation or if he is aware. Good to know he did strike you as the kind of person with anxiety though. I'l/ rethink the lying/deception aspect, its a trait demons pride themselves for so maybe giving him more physical mannerisms, like small tones shift in his voice? Maybe since he doesn't lie often he wouldn't be as good as I pictured him to be?
History:
Maybe there was an event where he thought he had control over his abilities and ended up hurting someone? I don't think he'd ever kill someone but maybe he would have harmed his mother by accident? A lot of opportunity there to consider.(Sorry my grammar, spelling and all that jazz is awful, I didn't think much about grammar when focusing on profiles lol)
I wasn't too confidant is the "childhood bullying" section either so its kinda reliving that you didn't think it worked either. I think maybe extending out that "unforgivable/harmful action" out to a second event would maybe push his want to strive for goodness more? If you have any ideas I'm so open to it.
Social:
Guardian Religion is polytheistic! They worship the ten elemental deities, plus Life, Death and Magick! Persona is left out of the mix and is only worshipped by demons. Simple displays of worship would be names. So based on which element you relate to the most you would have a human and guardian name. Being a Royal Earth Guardian Messenger means that he just delivers personal messages for those in power, in this case he would deliver messages for Princess Lilypad. He hates neon because he thinks is gross, likes pasta because I don't see him being adventurous with food and bow and arrows are his favorite since he thinks its more impressive to use then a sword.
Otis never really blamed his mother for anything, of anything he's blame his father for manipulating and leaving her. There would be some bumps, she is human after all and doesn't understand what its like to be a demon and have all these confusing emotions of not feeling enough.
Ahhh for his bio dad he was forced to leave because Persona didn't like how he wasn't doing his job of causing chaos and all that jazz. Demons can still fall in love so he didn't want to hurt Persephone or Otis so he kinda erased memories and emotions that would be harmed by him leaving. He was around for a while and I like to think he did the best he could but at the end of the day he was a demon and had to do his job. Also he didn't have a name because i'm lazy and he isn't super super important to the story as of now, like we won't be able to meet him but things can change of course. There was a fair amount of collision with his step dad but they both adapted well to each other's personalities, for his brother I know I should develop it a bit more but good to know that I seem to be on the right track.
I'm so happy your in love my my other characters and their relationship with him! And just to let you know yes his interacting with Zara are chaotic af and I live for it. Zara in general is your good ol fashioned lesbian vampire wine aunt so all her relationships with people are fun to experiment with.
His and Persona's relationship is very complicated. Persona isn't really sure what to make of half demons, she doesn't know if he should be forced to stay and focus on the demon, chaos side or let him choose but later on it gets super manipulative so there are a few moments here and there where she really tries to get into his head. Is a constant conflict for Persona and Otis. Still he hates her a lot lol
Magic/Race:
Demons naturally can regenerate from injuries or even near death experiences so he would get a little bit of that although it wouldn't be super strong. Defiantly more durable them the average mortal.
I didn't do my demons any justice here so I'll explain a bit more: They are near immortal being who absorb chaos for power, they use this chaos to fuel their creator (Persona) who is currently trapped in the afterlife for trying to harm mortals. They don't have much emotion either, making it easier for them to carry out this task in hurting others for chaos. Otis, being part human and therefore having more emotion then the average demon but less then the average person,.
Chaos is basically a fancy way of saying negative energy/aura/ vibes. All living creatures who experience distress produce this invisible energy which demons absorb. This makes them more powerful, helps them heal, and can be harnessed into a raw power for offensive and defensive powers. It doesn't drain Otis at all, of anything it heals him but he hates that the only way he can truly get stronger is by causing problems or not helping other people.
Sorry if this is super long but I couldn't resist clarifying things, but if you have any more questions or anymore ideas I'm open! He's one of the characters I've had to wipe clean and restart so I wanna make sure I don't have to redo him over again. Thank you so much!
Haha I'm so glad my 1am shenanigans helped you! I can offer a few of those suggestions you were asking about but imma get some breakfast and wake up a bit first haha, (though personally I think I'm most creative at 1am but let's just pretend like I'm cool with sleep too😔)
Yea eating is important please do that first, but suggestions are always welcome I'd love to hear them!
Okay here's some additional notes:
I looked up the name for Otis, and it basically just means 'wealthy,' but it also means 'son of Otto.' Since you don't have a set name for his bio father, it could work, but it's not really necessary.
Additionally, does Otis care about how other people see him? Should he put a bit more care into his appearance? It would make sense considering he worries about people's opinion on him regarding the demon. Maybe he puts effort into appearing more put-together, clean, and avoiding anything that would even hint at a demon. WHICH GIVES ME ANOTHER IDeA
Otis could also be OCD, stemming from anxiety. His incessant need to be viewed as "normal" and non-demonic could create an obsession with staying clean, neat, orderly, etc. He feels a compulsive need to maintain his public appearance. Which would mean that misplacing his belongings or messing up his neat composure would set him COMPLETELY off.
This could also actually really help bring back lying. OCD people are still messy, but it's often viewed to them as organized chaos. Otis's bedroom could be a complete mess, Otis's mind is a complete mess, but he's constantly lying about it. He doesn't exactly realize that he's lying, because since he maintains a public appearance of being neat and orderly, surely telling everyone that he's neat and orderly isn't a lie, right? He could be so good at lying that he does it to himself. Every day when he goes out he puts on a mask to avoid people seeing the demon side, but in doing that, he's lying, even if he doesn't like lying.
Now onto that Unforgivable Mistake™
There are many other things that can qualify that aren't necessarily violent, or harmful at the very least.
It could be a really Big Lie
He could have really scared his mother, or his brothers, or both, by getting too stressed out and lashing out, either onto an inanimate object or yelling at his family. Instant regret followed by long term trauma
If he's got a people-pleasing personality trait, he could get himself into a lot of trouble if he doesn't have the ability to say no. He could accidentally get caught up with the wrong crowd and wake up the next day with no memory of what happened the night before. The wrong crowd makes some hints as to what he did, but won't tell him/do tell him, and he hates that he's capable of doing such a thing.
He could betray a friend's trust, even while partaking in the act of betrayal, he would be against it, but feel trapped in some way. His brokenhearted friend's face would haunt him forever and he spends the rest of his days attempting to redeem himself.
this is the extent of my brainstorming my bad
Overall, I still do see Otis as a borderline Mary Sue. It's good that he has colliding relationships with his friends, so there's a bit of friendly banter between them, but the unfortunate truth is that that seems to be all it is; at the end of the day, everyone loves Otis, except for Persona, the supposed antagonist. It's almost like how I've recently realized the character of Katniss Everdeen was; she was a rebel against the tyrannical government, she strived for goodness, but the only real known flaws about her were her inability to get along with people. Somehow, everyone still loved her.
The best suggestion I can give you is to find weak spots and expand on it; create tension between characters, have Otis display his blatant internal conflict on morals. For a few specifics, I can brainstorm some ideas.
Jax appears to be going through his own form of controlling his shadow, Peter. Otis could have a sense of self-justice that creates a bit of a rough patch between Jax and Otis, because Otis might make Jax feel lesser for his smoking habits and his relationship with his shadow.
For Pike, maybe Otis accidentally absorbed her chaotic energy, and didn't like what it led to. Maybe this created a bit of space between Otis and Pike, because Otis didn't want to absorb her energy again, and Pike didn't like what happened to Otis when he did.
Well this is as much as I can provide before I blanked out! I hope this helps further and I'm glad you appreciated my initial critique!
Thank you so much for these ideas! Good to know I need to expand on his relationships more so then I thought I did. For Pike especially she does have a anger issues that gets in her way, she had neglectful parents which caused a lot of issues for her ability to trust and take into consideration other people's views so Otis being a more soft spoken character, would allow a lot of conflict between the two and maybe the fact that she is super blunt doesn't pair well with Otis and how he takes it. Maybe they end up arguing at one point or another and never fully recover, allowing an opportunity to let his demonic side shine a bit. Otis and Jax I want them to have a closer bond but maybe it doesn't start out that way in the beginning? I'm still working on jax's character so best not to completely explore that aspect with a character thats only at 30%.
OCD seems interesting for him to have, I'll look into it more and see if i decide if it works out for his character and storyline.
Although I think the one thing that would turn him away from his demonic side the most is harming someone else after losing control, mostly with his mother since he much closer to her then his step dad or brothers. She is human and doesn't have anyway to protect herself from his magic so it would be way more eye opening to how dangerous he can be when harnessing chaos. Maybe some kind of long term effect for her is in place? Demonic magic has a lot of possibilities then I mentioned in his bio so thats a option.