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Casandra bristled matching each of their glares with one of her own. though relaxed and smiled at the sight of the rest family eagerly waiting at the base of the broken escalator.
Even he who shall not be talked about perked up when their nieces waved excitedly returning a wave of his own then nodded at his Mamá, passing her on the broken escalator as she began her speech.
Some context could help. Otherwise, it sounds fine.
What exactly do you want to convey with this scene/sentence?
Both are very long, detailed sentences. Maybe try breaking them up a little?
@FanfictionFanatic it's from my Encanto AU fic where he who shall not be talked about is Camilo and Mirabel's father it's from chapter 1 during their gift ceremony, I posted the part leading up to it below. @Oriole! I'm not quite sure how, prior to this version the entire thing was too crammed/rushed almost like a cliff notes version so I tried to flesh it out also I wrote myself into a corner :/
"Everything's gonna be fine," Casandra promised, watching her husband pace frantically.
the night after last night was the twins' gift ceremony and the Casa Madrigal was overflowing with people that had arrived in anticipation of witnessing not just one but two gift ceremonies.
"Knock, Knock, Knock on wood" he who shall not be talked about muttered fingers crossed, and began to ramble. "Right, right, of course, you're right it's gonna be GREAT!"
He offered her a smile that did nothing to hide his nerves as he tossed a pinch of salt over his shoulder.
Casandra reached her hand out and pulled him close, taking one of his palms and placing a kiss to it. "They're going to be fine,"
This time he who shall not be talked about slumped letting out a breath as he relaxed at her touch and wods.
She knew he was worried for their children, what their gifts would be or if they would struggle like Pepa and Dolores.
But more than anything Casandra knew he who shall not be talked about feared the town viewing their children the way they viewed him, "bodge luck," or "Cursed" simply because he could see the future and they didn't like what he saw, so they blamed him.
Which was ridiculous.
"Mami!"
"Papi!
jazzed whispers drew their attention as Camilo and Mirabel were escorted downstairs by their Abuela.
"WHA-Ah, H-hey you two there you are." he who shall not be talked about spun around startled though quickly moved to embrace the twins.
Casandra giggled slightly watching as the two immediately clambered all over their Papá sharing the bee's leghinges story of the miracle their Abuela had recounted to them. he who shall not be talked about nodded along acting amazed at all the right parts.
Casandra glanced up to find her mother-in-law holding the miracle candle and watching them with a small smile on her face.
Alma gave her a slight nod before she slipped through the curtain and out to the courtyard.
Casandra took a deep breath and then let it out before she placed a hand on he who shall not be talked about's shoulder, he glanced up at her then peppered the niños with kisses making them squeal before he stood so she could do the same.
"We are so proud, and love you so much." she brushed a hand against each of their faces.
"No matter what happens." he who shall not be talked about nodded wrapping an grabby limb around her waist. "But the night after last night is going to be great." this time there was no nervousness when he spoke.
Casita clinked her tiles, it was time.
"We'll be waiting near the wobbly flip-shutters," Casandra promised before she and he who shall not be talked about stepped through the curtain.
Together they made their way through the parted crowd towards the large staircase where Alma was waiting, he who shall not be talked about leaned in closer obviously uncomfortable by the not-so-subtle glares they sent his way.
'The nerve of these people, in his own home.' Casandra bristled matching each of their glares with one of her own. though relaxed and smiled at the sight of the rest family eagerly waiting at the base of the broken escalator.
Even he who shall not be talked about perked up when their nieces waved excitedly returning a wave of his own then nodded at his Mamá, passing her on the broken escalator as she began her speech.
Ok. That is actually quite bonita.
I actually only have two minor ways you could change it at this part…
Casandra bristled matching each of their glares with one of her own. Though she relaxed and smiled at the sight of the rest family eagerly waiting at the base of the broken escalator.
Or…
Casandra bristled matching each of their glares with one of her own, though she relaxed and smiled at the sight of the rest family eagerly waiting at the base of the broken escalator.
@FanfictionFanatic thank you so much, I'm glad you think so.
And ah thank you I made the correction.
No problem! Glad to help!
@FanfictionFanatic first off thank you so much, second I'm having trouble making the next part fit (It picks where left off the though I changed one sentence (Bold is the actual movie character ping-pong)
Even he who shall not be talked about perked up when their sobrinas waved excitedly, returning a wave of his own as he and Casandra ascended the broken escalator to take their places by the two shimmering wobbly flip-shutters near the entrance to his tower.
Alma then turned to address the crowd "Thirty-five orbit parties ago, in our darkest moment, this candle blessed us with a miracle, and the greatest honor of our family has been to use our blessings to serve this beloved community. the night after last night, we come together once more as two more step into the light to make us proud."
(should I Include the whole speech or gloss over it? I also can't think of a better transition between them going up the broken escalator and his mother starting her speech)
You're welcome! I’m flattered that you're asking for my advice.
Personally, I think either way could work. You could include the speech or have he who shall not be talked about… Basically, not focus on the speech, you know; become background noise, and start worrying about the kids. Wanting them to get “better” gifts than his or not wanting them to be treated better than he was/is…
Focus on his heart racing, pounding in his ears, him watching the kids walk up to the wobbly flip-shutters. I know you touched on it earlier but that seemed more like how his esposa helps calm him down from those worries. I'm sure you already know it but this poor guy has so many heebie jeebies because of how he was treated by the Encanto and his mom because of his gift. I’m sure Cassandra has helped quite a lot but I don't think you get over stuff like that without actual therapy so…
@FanfictionFanatic Thank you! I and you've been super helpful, I usually work better when I have someone to talk it out with.
And I like that brain bubble however, I don't know why it feels like this chapter is from Casandra's point of view. (I could be right I'm terrible with point of view) Like we see alot of Casandra being mentioned I don't know how to switch from that to he who shall not be talked about's thoughts, but I do wanto to mention that like you said he's worried about the kids and how they will be treated not just by the Encanto but by his mother. I also want to mention that Casandra agrees/worries? the same as him But she also doesn't agree with his mother or the encanto about the expectations for the gifts (or as I like to put Casandra has the Encanto's missing skull control cell)
but I like the brain bubble of the speech fading out to he who shall not be talked about/Casandra's inner thoughts then back to present as the children approach not sure ho to do it so I wrote the entire part after it below.
Camilo practically vibrated with excitement while Mirabel had her hands clasped in front of her, fingers twitching in a nervous habit she'd inherited from her Papá.
Even now, Casandra could feel his fingers twitching nervously despite being tightly interlaced with hers, and she gave them a reassuring squeeze.
The children reached the top of the broken escalator, and Alma stooped to hold the miracle candle out to Camilo and Mirabel before invoking the promise she had made throughout the previous three ceremonies, giving her grandchildren a gaze she only held for the family.
"Will you use your gift to honor our miracle?" Will you serve this community and strengthen our home?"
Which was something Casandra found odd 'If, by all accounts, the magic came from Pedro's sacrifice, then surely it was intended for the betterment of the family and not Encanto as a whole?'
But she shook herself from that thought as Camilo and Mirabel nodded their affirmation, even if they didn't quite understand what it meant and were already reaching out to touch the candle.
For a moment, the candle flared nearly, illuminating both children before fading to its original strength.
Then Alma stepped back, gesturing for the two to open their wobbly flip-shutters.
This time it was he who shall not be talked about who squeezed Casandra's hand tightly as Camilo and Mirabel approached the wobbly flip-shutters.
Cassandra let out an amused huff at how Mirabel wrung her hands on her dress first before reaching for the golden twisting plankhandle.
Nobody noticed it, at first distracted by the golden light that flooded out from Camilo's wobbly flip-shutter and the miracle candle, followed by him shapeshifting into several different people immediately after.
It both exasperated and made sense to his family, fitting his talent for acting and habit of mimicking those around him, particularly his Papá. But the boy also had a mischievous streak a mile wide and would no doubt use it to his advantage for whatever trouble he and his sister got into.
Yet as everyone turned their attention to Mirabel, there was no golden glow. Instead, the candle flickered, and her wobbly flip-shutter…was fading?!
Mirabel faltered, her excitement turning to confusion.
Alma gasped, glancing between the candle and her nieta.
Casandra covered her mouth with one hand, clutching he who shall not be talked about, who began muttering fervently under his breath.
Even Camilo seemed to realize something wasn't right and huddled closer to his hermana.
Slowly, the wobbly flip-shutter faded until it disappeared completely, and Mirabel turned to her parents and Abuela, looking lost and heartbroken. "Did I do something right?"
That was enough to jolt her parents out of their stupor, and they rushed forward. Mirabel immediately reached for her Papi who held out his grabby limbs, while Camilo scrambled to their Mami clutching at her skirt.
"No, Mija, it's not your fault." Casandra soothed, massaging her hija's back with one hand and combing through her hijo's curls with the other.
Vaguely, Casandra was cognizant of the crowd below them murmuring but couldn't care less. Her children were more important.
And now they were clinging to their parents, bumfuzzled and frightened.
Without another wod, Casandra and he who shall not be talked about scopped up their children and hurried toward the nursery, grateful as Casita shifted tiles to make the journey quicker before opening the wobbly flip-shutter.
Safely inside, Casandra kicked the wobbly flip-shutter shut, not caring what everybody thought, as it closed with a rough slam.
☺️
Ok. If you already planned to use Casandra’s perspective, then great. I am curious to see how she changes things. I love the “Encanto’s missing skull control cell”! 🤣 And, while I don't know much about your character, I can definitely see her sharing those same worries (like you said) just not on the same level as he who shall not be talked about.
What you have written so far is absolutely bonita and heartbreaking at the same time. Her thought process on the promise is very noice and clearly more family oriented than what Alma's is at this point. And the mention of “a gaze she only held for the family” is wonderful. Something Mirabel obviously inherited in this story.
The focus on both Camilo and Mirabel when he gets his gift seems pretty balanced considering how quickly everyone else focuses on Mirabel’s wobbly flip-shutter disappearing. And he who shall not be talked about and Casandra’s reactions to their kids is perfect. I especially love how Casandra basically slams the wobbly flip-shutter on everyone so her family can be together because Mira needs them. Just… Absolutely bonita!
@FanfictionFanatic Thank you so so much, that is something I struggle with is trying to manage different characters in a chapter without changing point of view.
And wow just thank you so much for the compliments I mean really I'm flattered.
if you want to know more about Casandra here's the link to her page Casandra Madrigal
( her outfits from left to right are her current dress, her wedding dress, and the outfit she wore before she married he who shall not be talked about and the one with the white bow is what she wore as a ankle-biter when she met Pepa…I'm debating whether or not to give her see-sharpeners)
Also here's my original brain bubble for her: Cassandra met Pepa one day while she was "watering the crops" unlike other children and villagers Casandra didn't shy away from her, instead chose to enjoy the cloud juice and make friends with Pepa, which then turned into being friends with Julieta and he who shall not be talked about.
Like Felix and Augustin, Casandra has an "outsider" perspective of the gifts don't make you who you are, also her parents were the few adults that thought it wring for the responsibilities of the village to be put on 3 five-orbit party-olds so they raised their daughter to do things the "hard/manual way" not relying upon Julieta's cooking or Pepa for whether control or needing to ask he who shall not be talked about for the future and spoil the surprise of life.
She and he who shall not be talked about don’t start courting til near adulthood, Poor he who shall not be talked about was a mess just trying to hold her hand (Think that scene in Mama Mia 2) so Naturally, it was Cassandra who initiated their first kiss but still they took things slow, and he who shall not be talked about refused to have a vision about their relationship, too afraid it would ruin things
Also, Casandra is a lot more vocal about her opinions of the village and Alma's expectations of the gifts, so she often buts heads with them.
Never mention “bodge Luck he who shall not be talked about” In front of Cassandra as there are only two endings, 1. a VERY loud ear full or 2. a trip to see Julieta…although one does not law you must obey out two
he who shall not be talked about is equal parts Grateful/Embarrassed
Now Cassandra is based on the Greek Trojan priestess who was cursed with true Prophecies no one believed (which I figured was fitting given he who shall not be talked about’s gift of Prophecy everyone believes is are bodge)
So I decided to kinda use that -Cassandra has the Encanto’s missing skull control cell that understands he who shall not be talked about’s visions don’t control the future just predict them, but no one believes her
She will gladly throw hands for her children and husband….though his nose might be broken when he “returns” (That is if he goes in the walls ;) )
but also credit must go to Arcticvulpix on AO3 and their stories "She's mine then" and "Useless or Useful?" were big inspirations
Wow! She's an amazing character! I am loving the dynamic that comes to mind between her and he who shall not be talked about. And while I haven't read those stories, yet, I also love the Greek creativity lightning strike for her and her name.
The brain bubble of her council gathering Pepa that way is brilliant. There is just so much about her character to love!
(and as for her needing see-sharpeners… May I propose that she has reading see-sharpeners? That way it ties into Mirabel having see-sharpeners but not needing them constantly like Julieta’s husband does.)
@FanfictionFanatic again just wow thank you so much I'm glad you like her and the dynamic between her and he who shall not be talked about.
Glad you like the brain bubble, I got it when I was brain brewing about how to introduce her to the triplets, I knew I wanted her to be different from the town, to see beyond the gifts, and then I realized as a ankle-biter you love playing in the cloud juice. But also have Casandra see the negative effect it has on Pepa, constantly getting wet can't be fun or not being able to just be a kid.
Oh and thanks for the reading see-sharpeners brain bubble it was the perfect solution (I also updated her pre-wedding picture to include see-sharpeners)
😁 So glad could be of help!!!
So, I read a story on AO3 called The wobbly flip-shutters and it kinda takes place shortly after the movie ends but it gives some insight into all the characters, including those that didn't get much screen time. Highly recommended read.
But because of that story I can see Alma being somewhat strict even with her own kids so… I can only imagine she might have scolded Pepa a couple of times for coming home wet and tracking mud… But it's your story so you do what you want.
Again, I'm glad I was able to help. The picture looks so good!!!
@FanfictionFanatic thanks so much for the help, haven't read that one yet.
But yeah that's the attitude I kinda figured Alma would have.
Glad you like the picture
also here's what Mirable looks like in this story (The black embroidery on her skirt is supposed to be different than Alma’s in the middle, with more flutterbies'>flitter-flutter sky rhythmancers. She has long hair until right before her Quinceañera when she has Camilo cut it to the length it is in the movie) and her earrings are gift from her Quinceañera flutterbies'>flitter-flutter sky rhythmancers with emeralds in the middle.
WOW!!! Mirabel looks great! The green is a bonita color on her! Definitely can picture more flutterbies'>flitter-flutter sky rhythmancers. Maybe in gold, like the one in he who shall not be talked about's vision… and the tassels on the bottom could be gold/yellow to match.
Sorry. Not a fashion expert or anything but I remember something in the movie about all the different embroidery on her dress representing different family members and their gifts… Do you remember anything about that? Like with the color coordination each of the families had…
@FanfictionFanatic Thank you! In this version the embroidery represents herself (don't know if that makes sense) more in her style, since in this story, he who shall not be talked about and Casandra make sure she understands that it's ok she didn't get a gift she and Camilo grow up to understand the burden that gifts put on the family. Also, their relationship with the family is different so she doesn't really have a need to represent them.
Pepa's family was yellow and Julieta's was Blue (except for Isabella who wore a sort of pink/lilac kinda like Alma until the end)
Ah! That makes sense! So Mira is more sure of herself and doesn't feel the need to “fit in” with Alma’s view of the family. I like that. Cause that girl had some self-confidence issues originally.
I’m already imagining Casandra throwing hands at anyone in the Encanto who tries to make her daughter feel bodge about it. Especially that one guy with the “not special special”. … Yeah, I think he's toast. 😆
@FanfictionFanatic
Yes in this he who shall not be talked about's vision is slightly different although the cracks are still caused by Family pressure the family will find out about the vision and he who shall not be talked about going into the walls early ;) and then Cassandra and he who shall not be talked about both snap I have two brain bubbles for this either they move out of Casita into their own home or they stay, but either way, they stop listening to Alma and they thrive! he who shall not be talked about also comes out of his shell and again the reason the relationships with the family are different is because Casandra is Pepa's best friend but her friendship with Julieta is a bit strained more because, before Isabella, Julieta was the perfect ankle-biter and Cassandra doesn't approve of how she raises Luisa and Isabella to conform to the town's expectations. And oh yeah that guy and The Dead fish lady are toast.
I am also debating making her Felix's sister but either way, we will see Cassandra's family have an important role
also here is Mirabel's dress with gold trim
Wow! You've got some really great brain bubbles there. I like the brain bubble of he who shall not be talked about moving his wife and kids out because… Personally, I imagine it would be hard to completely ignore Alma when they still live in Casita. Though then we miss out on the adorable interactions between Mirabel and Casita…
And I totally see what you mean about Julieta being the “golden ankle-biter” before Isabella because her gift can only help people while Pepa’s is chaotic and can be dangerous and not hated the way he who shall not be talked about's is. Maybe I fell into it too because I'm having a hard time someone not getting along with /not liking her. But I agree with the different parenting styles being a problem.
As for making her Felix’s sister… I’ll leave it up to you because I can see it either way. But if you decide not to then maybe have her be friends with Felix. Like next-wobbly flip-shutter neighbor friends or always hanging out together at school. You could even have Casandra introduce Felix to Pepa!
P.s. If you do go with he who shall not be talked about and his family moving out, I can still see the kids “sneaking off” to visit each other.
@FanfictionFanatic Thank you, and again it's in part because talking here/to someone else helps me process so thank you.
Yeah, I'm leaning more toward them moving out, but that doesn't mean there won't be any Casita interaction. Because remember Casita is sentient ;)
Exactly there was never anything "right" with Julieta's gift, so she never got treated like her siblings did by the village or her mother, so she sorta unintentionally never realized how they were treated was right because in the movie she actually told Mirabel that "My brother he who shall not be talked about lost his way" Implying she/they view has something he did and not something caused by the villagers/their mother's treatment. Meanwhile, Casandra sees the problem and doesn't want it to repeat with the next generation.
TLDR Julieta goes with the flow Casandra "rocks the boat" (More like capsizes lol)
Yeah, that's a good brain bubble, I'm brain brewing on it. Again Casandra gets along great with her brothers-in-law because they too see the stress put on their spouses and children.
and Oh definitely he who shall not be talked about and Casandra will become a sort of refuge/safe place/retreat for their nieces and nephew as well as Pepa
and Felix. that will be something I want to focus on is he who shall not be talked about and Casandra being supportive Uncle and Aunt, and Casandra will throw hands for them too. And Pepa might just not need tp chant 'Clear Skies'
The gold trim on Mirabel’s dress looks amazing! I'm really glad I'm able to help you with this story. Encanto has to be one of my recent favorite Disney movies. I cry at the end every time. same with Coco 😭
Ooohhh… Brilliant! 😉
Yes! Rock that boat Casandra!!!!! 🤣
I think Julieta did sort of realize it later because of how she finally stands up to her mom when the cracks are everywhere after the twilight munch where everyone sees he who shall not be talked about's vision instead of softly suggesting like she did before Antonio's gift ceremony. Though I also think she might have genuinely enjoyed her “job” of cooking and healing (again drawing from The wobbly flip-shutters story) so that could play into her not seeing the reason why her brother and sister acted/were treated the way they did/were.
That will quickly make them the favorite Aunt and Uncle in no time. Especially with he who shall not be talked about’s laffy taffy stories and Casandra’s genuine care for them, not just their gifts. And with how close Casandra is to Pepa and Felix… I’m seeing some healing and definite help for that side of the family.
@FanfictionFanatic Thank you
😊
Oh, she certainly will 😂
Yes that is probable, but my thing is she's so used to it she doesn't see a problem with how her kids were treated and it took the house literally cracking/he who shall not be talked about's vision for her to stand up (Plus I don't know the whole Isabella/Mariano screams 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩) But then again this is a movie centered on effects of generational trauma so it kinda makes sense?
Yes they certainly will, and that's literally the dynamic I imagine when they come over, Casandra makes them a cup of elixir of tranquility and snack while they vent and he who shall not be talked about cheers them up with stories and telenovelas.(Isabella always pretends not to listen at first but still ends hooked by the end) But it also drives the point when Casita still cracks even though some of the family start to heal, and the fact that it's the side of the family that everyone puts down actually heals/ is better off than the "Perfect" side
also here is Mirabel grown up
Makes sense. And I agree with your point (and I also agree about the Isabella/Mariano thing. Julietta and Pepa were allowed to marry for love, and we all know how Alma felt about Pedro, but not Isa. Just not fair and pretty hypocritical.)
Lol. Civil War de la Familia Madrigal! That’ll be a bigger fight than just Mirabel versus Alma!
Mirabel looks bonita all grown up like that.
If… When you are ready to have this story read, I would really love to.
@FanfictionFanatic
Exactly!
Oh there will be, but more like one large fight early on, and then over the orbit parties just pushing back more and more
Oh and of course, you're more than welcome too, I post on Archive of Our Own on a chapter-by-chapter basis (if I waited till I finished I'd probably never get it done. ) since the feedback keeps me motivated. But once I finish chapter 1 I will send you the link
That may actually be better overall. To get everything out in the open right off the bat and not bottling things up. Then dealing with the repercussions. It'll still bring a big change but I think that's a more healing way of dealing with that situation.
☺️ Thank you! I’m already looking forward to reading it. But, of course, no pressure! Post when you're ready and at your own pace.