Hey, I was hoping someone could critique my murder scene from one of my stories! I googled a lot of stuff, but I'm still not sure about it. Here it is:
The sickly sweet smell of rotting fruit couldn’t have prepared Ashley for what she saw. There was a body in the hallway, a pool of blood slowly spreading across the floor beneath it. It had been shredded to unrecognizability, and the pool of blood was slowly spreading. The person’s bones and insides were fully on display. A bloody cheese grater with several strings of flesh hanging off of it lay next to it.
[throws my invaluable opinions down onto the table] ok let's get started
first off: i like the creativity for the weapon. like, holy shit, that's a literal fucking cheese grater. guess we're having string cheese for dinner amirite. jokes aside, i love the idea of using a common household item as a murder weapon, let alone one like a cheese grater. love that originality.
next: maybe specify where the "sickly sweet smell of rotting fruit" is coming from? that line kinda threw me for a loop, cuz i was just like "does the body smell like rotted fruit or something???? what????????" and you never want your reader to think that a dead body smells like rotted fruit. unless there's rotted fruit inside of them, then yeah i guess that's acceptable
lastly: maybe add more detail to the gore. specifically the bones and insides part. like, maybe one gut is hanging out more than the other. maybe one rib bone is smaller than the others. adding that kind of detail will make it more immersive and really pulls a reader in.
those are just a few things i noticed and either liked/disliked.
please do take my opinions with a grain of salt though, i may write a lot of horror stories but i'm not very good with giving advice.
[throws my invaluable opinions down onto the table] ok let's get started
first off: i like the creativity for the weapon. like, holy shit, that's a literal fucking cheese grater. guess we're having string cheese for dinner amirite. jokes aside, i love the idea of using a common household item as a murder weapon, let alone one like a cheese grater. love that originality.
next: maybe specify where the "sickly sweet smell of rotting fruit" is coming from? that line kinda threw me for a loop, cuz i was just like "does the body smell like rotted fruit or something???? what????????" and you never want your reader to think that a dead body smells like rotted fruit. unless there's rotted fruit inside of them, then yeah i guess that's acceptable
lastly: maybe add more detail to the gore. specifically the bones and insides part. like, maybe one gut is hanging out more than the other. maybe one rib bone is smaller than the others. adding that kind of detail will make it more immersive and really pulls a reader in.
those are just a few things i noticed and either liked/disliked.
please do take my opinions with a grain of salt though, i may write a lot of horror stories but i'm not very good with giving advice.
Thank you so much! I googled what dead bodied smell like, and it said rotting fruit, but I also thought that that was strange! And I will definately add more description of the innards ^J^! Once again, thank you so much!
[throws my invaluable opinions down onto the table] ok let's get started
first off: i like the creativity for the weapon. like, holy shit, that's a literal fucking cheese grater. guess we're having string cheese for dinner amirite. jokes aside, i love the idea of using a common household item as a murder weapon, let alone one like a cheese grater. love that originality.
next: maybe specify where the "sickly sweet smell of rotting fruit" is coming from? that line kinda threw me for a loop, cuz i was just like "does the body smell like rotted fruit or something???? what????????" and you never want your reader to think that a dead body smells like rotted fruit. unless there's rotted fruit inside of them, then yeah i guess that's acceptable
lastly: maybe add more detail to the gore. specifically the bones and insides part. like, maybe one gut is hanging out more than the other. maybe one rib bone is smaller than the others. adding that kind of detail will make it more immersive and really pulls a reader in.
those are just a few things i noticed and either liked/disliked.
please do take my opinions with a grain of salt though, i may write a lot of horror stories but i'm not very good with giving advice.
Thank you so much! I googled what dead bodied smell like, and it said rotting fruit, but I also thought that that was strange! And I will definately add more description of the innards ^J^! Once again, thank you so much!
no problem m8! if you ever need more horror-writing advice, just shoot me a DM. i'm always willing to help. <3
also yeah i looked it up too and it's quite strange. i'd always thought dead bodies just smelled like??? meat???? like, just raw meat?????? but the fruit thing is intriguing huh.
Hey, I was hoping someone could critique my murder scene from one of my stories! I googled a lot of stuff, but I'm still not sure about it. Here it is:
The sickly sweet smell of rotting fruit couldn’t have prepared Ashley for what she saw. There was a body in the hallway, a pool of blood slowly spreading across the floor beneath it. It had been shredded to unrecognizability, and the pool of blood was slowly spreading. The person’s bones and insides were fully on display. A bloody cheese grater with several strings of flesh hanging off of it lay next to it.
damn. creative weapon. I love the suspense. I think you could delete the "and the poll of blood was slowly spreading." in the third sentence. It's already been said and it's not really needed. Maybe add some more emotion in there? What does Ashley think or feel about this? and etc. hope that helps!
