forum Yo come critique this lit opening scene

Started April 10, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

Please help me, I'm the literal worst at writing and have no idea how to write an opening scene for a novel, lmao. This is page one.

A young man stepped into the building. He was wearing a dark suit. It was decorated with intricate patterns, and was ironed perfectly. His body was adorned with silver jewelry that wasn’t too flashy, but was enough to catch somebody’s eye if he walked down the street.

He didn’t blend into his environment too well. The man was standing with perfect posture in the entrance of a small convenience store, where the paint was peeling off of the walls and the air smelled like gasoline and cigarettes. A woman at the counter had been staring at him for some time, brow scrunched as if she was concentrating.

“Need something?” she asked, tapping her fingernails on the counter. The man met her gaze. He shook his head slightly, giving her a polite smile.

“I’m okay,” he said. She stared at him suspiciously for a few more moments before turning away from him.

“Alright, well I’ll be in the back room. If you need me, just yell.” The man nodded, stepping forward. He scanned the small store, searching for something useful. A lot of the shelves were mostly empty, candy bars scattered here and there. The only thing that seemed to be fully stocked was the front counter. It was littered with personal items and cigarette ashes. The man frowned at the mess, about to turn away when something caught his eye.

On the shelf behind the counter was a compact mirror. It sat open, framed with gold and the glass reflecting the light. He stepped toward it quickly. That was exactly what he was looking for.

He leaned to the side, peering into the back room. The woman was shuffling through some papers, humming quietly to herself. He smirked, walking behind the counter and reaching up for the mirror. He swiped it off the shelf, smiling to himself.

It was cold and a bit heavy in his hands. The man snapped it shut, slipping it into the front pocket of his jacket and turning to leave, his small smile turning to a beam. He had finally succeeded in getting his hands on a dimensional mirror.

Suddenly, he felt a harsh tug on his hair. He yelped, feeling himself get pulled back away from the door. He heard a voice behind him.

“Where do you think you’re going with that?” it said. The grip on his hair was released, and he spun around to face the woman that had been behind the counter before.

Looking good so far! Your grammar and spelling are excellent, and the flow of time (if that makes sense) is smooth as well. I'd say maybe you need to tighten up the opening sequence a bit, I found it a little unclear what was going on. Maybe describe his surroundings a little sooner, to better contrast them with his dapper appearance? Idk.
The only other thing I might suggest is you might want to add a description of his face as well–unless you really want him to stay anonymous for now, readers will draw a lot more from his eyes, expression, and so on than from his clothes. The clothes are important too, but there you go. That's my advice, for what it's worth. I really like it! We've already got intrigue, magic, and conflict, and I'm left wanting to know what happens next XD Keep it up, hope my thoughts were helpful! ^^

Thank you! I really appreciate the advice. And to explain, I am keeping Asura anonymous for a little while. Within the first chapter I'll end up describing Amber's appearance (she's short, thick, and has strawberry blonde hair. her eyes are usually bloodshot because she's stoned like 24/7) and I'll introduce Milo's character and appearance.

Thank you!

Here's a rewrite of this scene if anybody is interested.
A young man stepped through the doorway of the convenience store, twisting one of his intricate silver rings. His professional demeanor contrasted with the run down store, where the paint was peeling off of the and the air smelled heavily of gasoline and cigarettes. He wrinkled his nose at the scent and smoothed his perfectly ironed suit. A woman at the counter had been staring at him for some time, brow scrunched as if she was concentrating.
“Need something?” she [ayy tumblr] She was surrounded by pots of wilting plants and flowers. The woman used one hand to fiddle with the shriveled and stiff petals of a rose, the other to tap her nails slowly on the wooden counter. The man’s gaze shifted to her face. A thick, pink scar ran from the arch of her eyebrow to the corner of her mouth. It was sort of like a break in the face of a perfect porcelain doll. She raised an eyebrow, expecting a response.
“Ah, I’m okay,” he said, giving her a polite smile. She stared at him suspiciously for a few more moments before turning away from him.
“Alright, well I’ll be in the back room. If you need me, just yell.” The man nodded, stepping forward. He scanned the small store, searching for what he needed. A lot of the shelves were mostly empty, candy bars scattered here and there. The woman began to hum an old song from the back room. The only thing that seemed to be fully stocked was the front counter. It was littered with personal items, cigarette ashes, and dead plants. The man frowned at the mess, about to turn away when something caught his eye.
On the shelf behind the counter was a compact mirror. It sat open, framed with gold and the glass reflecting the light. He stepped toward it quickly. That was exactly what he was looking for.
He leaned to the side, peering into the back room. The woman sitting cross legged on a table, shuffling through some papers. He took a deep breath, creeping toward the counter. His gaze flicked between the woman and the mirror as he slipped behind the counter, reaching up to grab the object.
Finally, he managed to quietly swipe it off the shelf. It was cold and a bit heavy in his hands. The man snapped it shut, slipping it into the front pocket of his jacket and turning to leave, smiling to himself. He had finally succeeded in getting his hands on a dimensional mirror.
Suddenly, he felt a harsh tug on his hair. He yelped, feeling himself get pulled back away from the door. He heard a voice behind him.
“Where do you think you’re going with that?” she said. The grip on his hair was released, and he spun around to face the woman that had been behind the counter before. He tensed, moving away from her, but she stepped toward him, backing him against an empty shelf.
“What, with this?” He said, pulling the mirror out from his pocket and holding it up for her to see, his hand trembling a bit. She immediately lunged forward and tried to snatch it from him, but he held it up out of her reach. She jumped up, waving her arms desperately, but still couldn’t touch it. He smirked down at her. “Having a bit of trouble, shorty?”
“Shut it, blondie,” she growled. He chuckled, waving the compact around above her. The woman glared up at him, tying her strawberry blonde hair back in a messy bun. Her grey-green eyes glittered with anger and mischief, and the smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of her lips. The man blinked, confused.
She then grabbed his tie with one hand and quickly pulled herself up. She used the other to fully push herself up so that she was head level with the man, and could reach the mirror. The woman grabbed it from him, then let herself drop back down the wooden floor, which creaked loudly at the impact.

That was definitely more descriptive than the first one. My only complaint here is that I don't know how the man reacted to the final development, as there was nothing showing how he felt or perceived it.

Well, yeah that's just the first page.

Oh okay. Lol sorry I was being a moon-moon

No it's fine lol. I edited the second page (sort of) if you want to read that.

I mean sure, if you want me to

I'd like to see it too! Your revisions look good, by the way ^^

That's your choice dude. I don't care either way. The whole thing is 1500 words so far so it might take a while to get through.

Oh and thank you :D do you have any advice for the revisions?

Um…maybe go through and think about, like, the pace and rhythm of the words a little, although that's more final draft stuff. For example, that sentence where he finally got his hands on a dimensional mirror could be in its own paragraph for added impact? Just a thought, it really looks pretty good overall :) )

Okay, thank you :) Here's everything I have so far.

A young man stepped through the doorway of the convenience store, twisting one of his intricate silver rings. His professional demeanor contrasted with the run down store, where the paint was peeling off of the walls and the air smelled heavily of gasoline and cigarettes. He wrinkled his nose at the scent and smoothed his perfectly ironed suit. A woman at the counter had been staring at him for some time, brow scrunched as if she was concentrating.
“Need something?” she [ayy tumblr] She was surrounded by pots of wilting plants and flowers. The woman used one hand to fiddle with the shriveled and stiff petals of a rose, the other to tap her nails slowly on the wooden counter. The man’s gaze shifted to her face. A thick, pink scar ran from the arch of her eyebrow to the corner of her mouth. It was sort of like a break in the face of a perfect porcelain doll. She raised an eyebrow, expecting a response.
“Ah, I’m okay,” he said, giving her a polite smile. She stared at him suspiciously for a few more moments before turning away from him.
“Alright, well I’ll be in the back room. If you need me, just yell.” The man nodded, stepping forward. He scanned the small store, searching for what he needed. A lot of the shelves were mostly empty, candy bars scattered here and there. The woman began to hum an old song from the back room. The only thing that seemed to be fully stocked was the front counter. It was littered with personal items, cigarette ashes, and dead plants. The man frowned at the mess, about to turn away when something caught his eye.
On the shelf behind the counter was a compact mirror. It sat open, framed with gold and the glass reflecting the light. He stepped toward it quickly. That was exactly what he was looking for.
He leaned to the side, peering into the back room. The woman sitting cross legged on a table, shuffling through some papers. He took a deep breath, creeping toward the counter. His gaze flicked between the woman and the mirror as he slipped behind the counter, reaching up to grab the object.
Finally, he managed to quietly swipe it off the shelf. It was cold and a bit heavy in his hands. The man snapped it shut, slipping it into the front pocket of his jacket and turning to leave, smiling to himself. He had finally succeeded in getting his hands on a dimensional mirror.
Suddenly, he felt a harsh tug on his hair. He yelped, feeling himself get pulled back away from the door. He heard a voice behind him.
“Where do you think you’re going with that?” she said. The grip on his hair was released, and he spun around to face the woman that had been behind the counter before. He tensed, moving away from her, but she stepped toward him, backing him against an empty shelf.
“What, with this?” He said, pulling the mirror out from his pocket and holding it up for her to see, his hand trembling a bit. She immediately lunged forward and tried to snatch it from him, but he held it up out of her reach. She jumped up, waving her arms desperately, but still couldn’t touch it. He smirked down at her. “Having a bit of trouble, shorty?”
“Shut it, blondie,” she growled. He chuckled, waving the compact around above her. The woman glared up at him, tying her strawberry blonde hair back in a messy bun. Her grey-green eyes glittered with anger and mischief, and the smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of her lips. The man blinked, confused.
She then grabbed his tie with one hand and quickly pulled herself up. She used the other to fully push herself up so that she was head level with the man, and could reach the mirror. The woman grabbed it from him, then let herself drop back down the wooden floor, which creaked loudly at the impact.
The man was speechless. It had happened so fast. He just stood there, mouth hanging slightly open with wide owl eyes. She smiled at him, putting the mirror in her pocket and placing a hand on her hip.
“Don’t you know it’s rude to steal personal things from people you’ve just met?” She asked, tilting her head to the side, holding her hand out. “I’m Amber Lumic, by the way. I own this store.”
“Nice to meet you,” the man replied hesitantly, shaking her hand. Amber smiled at him.
Amber blinked. “Are you going to tell me your name?” she asked. Scrunched his brow and looked down at his shoes, leaning back against the shelf, which wobbled a bit.
“No, probably not.”
“Fair enough. Can I ask why you were trying to steal a personal item of mine?” She said, holding up the compact mirror. He looked over at it, feeling the urge to reach out and grab it.
“Do you know what it is?” he asked, gaze not straying from the mirror. Amber chuckled.
“Of course I know what it is. It’s mine, after all.” The man nodded. “It lets a sentient being travel to parallel dimensions. I just can’t figure out why you need to do that.”
The man glared at her, stepping back. “Of course you wouldn’t know, we’ve only just met,” he said. His body began to emit transparent gold flames. They were soft and barely visible, but Amber had noticed them. She tilted her head curiously, squinting at the elegant fire for a moment before looking back up at the man’s face.
“Can’t you at least humor me? You tried to steal my mirror, so you owe me something,” she pointed out, turning away from him. She walked around the back of the counter, entering the back room. “Get back here and answer some questions for me, and I might consider forgiving you!” she called to him. He cautiously made his way to the back of the store to meet her, arms crossed tightly over his chest as he looked around.
There were more dead plants and flowers in the back room than he could count. Some of them still held on to a bit of vitality, while others looked as if they were about to crumble to ashes. He felt a chill looking at it.
“Don’t worry about that,” Amber said, putting a hand on the man’s shoulder. He jumped a bit, looking at her. “It’s just Dark Magic. We drain the life force of plants and convert their energy to perform spells and whatnot.”
“Dark magic… ” he repeated, voice low. “I believe I’ve heard of that before, but I’ve never really seen it.” Amber’s eyebrows raised.
“Really? It’s everywhere in this city.” Amber pointed up at the lights. “We use it for things as basic as electricity,” she paused, picking up a wilted flower from a table, “to raising the dead.” She pressed her thumb and forefinger to the bottom of the stem. Green flames wrapped around the flower, licking at the petals. Slowly, it gained its vitality. The stiff, greyish flower bloomed into a vibrant red, the stem a luscious green. The man leaned forward, his eyes twinkling with wonder as he observed the process.
“However, the effects are only temporary,” she said, dropping the rose back onto the table to demonstrate. It shriveled up within a split second. One of the petals crumbled upon touching the wooden surface of the table.
“Huh,” the man said softly, staring at the rose for a long moment. Amber beamed at him.
“There you go, your beginner’s guide to dark magic!” She said enthusiastically. Just then, a small bell chimed from the main area of the store. They both heard footsteps, and a young man poked his head through the doorway of the back room. He had dark fluffy hair and mocha colored skin that was scattered with light freckles. His eyes were a striking green, the color of peridot.
“Who are we teaching dark magic?” He asked, bringing himself into the room and plopping down casually next to Amber.
“Oh, uh, dude in the suit, this is Milo. Milo, this is… a dude in a suit,” said, trying her best to introduce them without knowing the man’s name. He politely waved at Milo, who shot him a glare.
“What does he want?” His eyes flicked over the man, as if he was a wolf sizing up its prey. Amber reached over, ruffling Milo’s hair. He let out a short yell in protest.
“Be nice, kiddo. This guy doesn’t seem that dangerous,” she assured him with a smile. He batted her hand away, giving her a dirty look.
“We don’t know that for sure,” he pointed out. She shrugged, pulling her hand back and letting it drop back down to her side. Her nails clicked loudly on the table.
“We’ll be fine. Besides, I wanted to get to know him,” she explained. Milo rolled his eyes, sliding himself off of the table and strolling over to a bookcase at the far end of the room. He ran his slender hands along the spines of a few books before selecting one and pulling it off of the shelf.
“I’m going to go read then,” he said over his shoulder, already walking away with the book held tightly to his chest. Amber snickered.
“Nerd,” she said to him.
“Geek,” he responded, exiting the room. The bell chimed a few seconds later, signaling that he was gone.
Amber turned to the man again and folded her hands on her lap. “Sorry about that. He can be a bit snappy, but he means well.”