forum Yet Another "Critique this" thread
Started by @Wannabe_Author
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@Wannabe_Author

I'm currently writing a story about an old war vet looking back on his experiences with a childhood friend. The book does take place in WW1, which I didn't explicitly mention yet.I'm going to post what I've completed so far- keep in mind these are very rough drafts- and would appreciate any constructive criticism or suggestions y'all can throw at me. Because I'm so early on in the writing process, it would really help me out if you would take the time to review what I have so far. Thanks everyone!

@Wannabe_Author

(keep in mind the guy isn't a native English speaker, so I'm trying to make it a little less fluid than I normally would.)

Here's everything I have so far, divided up into 3 parts.

PART 1
"He who has no sense of history is like the man with no ears or no eyes."

One of my best friends said that. In fact, that's why I've invited you here- I want to lose my sense of history.

Sit down a while, help an old man forget.

I know that it's hard to believe, but I was a child once. I grew up in a little town, playing outside and riding my bike with my friends. Back then, there wasn't all of this talk about children disappearing or drowning themselves, nobody tried to make our parents worry. Why, that's how I met one of my oldest and dearest friends!

When I was a little boy, around 1895, I met a new neighbor who worked with his parents keeping bees. I don't remember much, but he was drawing. It's funny- I never did ask for his name, but I did find out he was about eight years old, just two years younger than me. I loved to talk then, and we must have talked for hours and hours! We both liked art, we both liked books. As far as childhood friendships go, that was all that mattered. A few months after he moved in, he told me he was taking singing classes, and asked if I wanted to visit and watch him sing. He wasn't a bad singer, but then again; everyone is talented at eight.

Before I go on, let me point out here that his parents would argue sometimes- as long as he was present, they would only yell. I have no idea what happened otherwise. He told me that was why he liked books, you know- nobody yells at you in a book.

It's a shame to think of what he could have been, if only a few things were changed. Maybe if I was a better friend, or if his home was less divided. I always did worry about him, his father tended to be aggressive at times- do you think if I was a better friend, he would have been happy?

I'm sorry, give me a moment. I'm afraid I'm becoming too sentimental.

@Wannabe_Author

Part 2
I just realized that I haven't told you the boy's name! I called him Lois, and he called me Braun- these were some of the more uncommon names at the time, you know. It made us feel so special to be different!

I suppose I should stop rambling. I can't say I remember why, but when we were a little older we both ended up moving away from our hometowns- Perhaps because the farming was bad?

There was a school nearby- what do you call it here? A public school. It wasn't quite as bad as you might be led to believe, our teachers were nice and the food was good. Keep in mind we were ten and twelve at the time- practically men! We had such a grand old time at the public school, Lois was one of the most charismatic children there, you know. Talented speaker, even at such a young age.

And then, his brother died.

His name was Edmund. When I was young, a long time ago, we didn't have all of these vaccines and doctors. We were still healthy, mind you, but measles wasn't as rare as it is now.

Ah, I'm rambling again. Edmund died to measles. I don't know how old he was. Too young. I remember seeing what effect it had on the family- Lois became withdrawn. He used to be so happy, it broke my heart to see him in such a bad place. His father and Lois became so divided, they would argue every day. This often ended in beatings, but young Lois always joked that it was fair- He got to practice his speaking, and his father got to relive his own childhood.

Lois was only twelve, I wonder where he got such ideas. Looking back, he never did make many jokes after Edmund died. He buried himself in his books, let his friendships rot. I like to pretend that he kept me around because I could help him, but the truth is that I had no idea what to do.

I do know that he trusted me- and sometimes I wish he had not. When we were in the school, these terrible children would constantly make Lois feel terrible. He would never cry, not for them. At this point he was hardened far more than any child should need to be.

He had a book, something about strategy, and showed me what it said. I have trouble remembering, but he made a plan from it. Defeat in Detail, I believe. When the boys came back, they would try to attack Lois- he would make sure of that. Then myself and a few of my friends would take out each individual by themselves, so that no one could fight back. He was a clever boy, Lois. The fight would be at our lunch break.

Lois was sitting alone at a table, eating his food in silence. He had assigned myself and my friends to specific tables, so that we would be closest to our marks. When the boys came, I remember nothing but silence. The tables were under several pine trees, and nobody wanted the needles in their food. We were picky children then!

All of the conversations stopped when the boys approached Lois, who stood up and looked the closest one in the eye. Then he smiled.

Lois did not show a happy smile, nothing reached his eyes. I remember feeling cold when I saw it- as if the warm spring weather had suddenly frozen, as if the plants had withered and the sun went out.
We still followed the plan, of course. When Lois snapped his fingers, the boys hit the ground almost all at once. I had convinced four of my friends to join us, you see- so we had two men for every one of the bullies.

Lois and I went after the ringleader, the fight was over in less than a minute. A few teachers had heard the commotion and did their best to stop the brawl, I remember all of us running and leaving our victims in the dirt.

We all clapped Lois on the back, congratulating him on being such a masterful tactician- and at the ripe old age of 12! He rarely smiled since Edmund died, but he was laughing and cheering with us all now.

It was as if the world was perfect for him again.

@Wannabe_Author

Part 3
Memories are always so bittersweet. I can't stand looking back, all I can see are regrets and missed chances. No, I don't want to stop. But if I continue with these strange pauses, you should know why. Ha! I don't have time for pauses, I'm an old man now. I'll keep talking for you.

I'll tell you about something happier, how does that sound? A while after the last incident, I remember Lois bounding up to me, yelling about how he had the greatest history class in all the world. I asked him what he meant, and he launched into quite the sermon about his teacher. I don't quite remember specifics, but his mighty 12-year intellect had been challenged by his teacher. They had differing opinions on quite a few things, and where most teachers would quash the student by saying their opinions were wrong, this one simply talked. I won't call it a debate, more like an analysis according to Lois. They would talk about why they believed what they believed, their political standings, stances on laws, it was quite fascinating I'm sure.

But being twelve and having no sense of the "Real World", I cared very little about things beyond my yard. I remember making a joke about how they should simply fight with sticks, and the last person standing was right. Lois laughed, I think he said he didn't want to go the prison for being right.

Lois actually went to prison after the war. It didn't change a thing about him, actually. I think that's what scared me. But perhaps there was nothing left to change, you're no stranger to what war does to people. The gasses, the blood, the corpses, terror and shelling with nothing but rats for company. I remember the trenches. There wasn't a roof over our heads or a home to go to, we would smoke the hunger away and hope the cigarettes weren't rationed too thin. I remember when we were huddled together like so many ants, watching the skies and waiting. Some of us prayed, someone else cried, and we counted the shells in the sky as if they were stars. I remember seeing a cloud rolling towards me like a furious thunderstorm, about to knock me off of my feet at a moment's notice. By the time our gas masks were on, half of us were dead or scarred.

I don't want to talk anymore. Maybe tomorrow.