So basically this is the prologue rough draft of the book I'm writing. And I wanted feed back to know if this would be something you would read. Criticism is welcomed and appreciated, but this is a rough draft so it's not as detailed as the final draft will be. Please give feed back.
Prologue
Two boys, in the hall waiting. One paced back and forth, the other sat on a bench and stared at the wall in silence. They’d been there for several hours. Finally a guard came out of the room they were outside of. Both boys looked up at the guard questioningly. The guard sighed and turned back to the door. “Your father’s asking for you,” he said letting them into the room. The one that had been pacing put his arm around the other boy’s shoulders, and walked him into the room.
In the room stood three other people, on the bed was a man bleeding to death. It was the king, he’d been injured in the last battle he’d been in and the healers they had could do nothing for him. The two boys were his children, the princes.
The king noticed his boys standing there and smiled weakly. “ Now I leave my kingdom to you. Rokendil, take care of your brother and your people.” he sighed. And that was it. He died. The healers could not bring him back or heal him. The boys who had known that this was coming did nothing but stand there, in silence. The king’s advisors turned to the oldest boy in expectation. He glared at hem for their questioning eyes.
“Do not look at me like that,” he snapped.
“Sir, should we not strike back at them for their treachery,” one of the advisors asked.
“No we shouldn’t,” he scolded. “My father was a fool for going to war with those people in the first place. A mistake that took him from us, and one that I will not make.”
The advisors looked at each other slightly angry at the young boy’s accusation. “They declared war on us, we did not declare war on them,” one spoke up.
“Need I remind you of whom you speak to?” the boy snapped. “I do not recall giving you permission to speak freely. Do it again and I will have you thrown into the jail. War is not the answer to this problem. You are all blinded by your own personal want. I am not like my father I will not have you throwing my kingdom into chaos. Get out of my sight. All of you,” he ordered. The men all gave a slight bow and began leaving. “And if I ever hear of this again I will have you all executed.”
The last man gave a small bow and left. The soldier remained in the room with the boys knowing that he had not been dismissed yet. The oldest boy looked at him for a moment. He noticed the boy’s eyes on him but did not look at him because he was not given permission. “What do you think about this impending war?” he asked the soldier. The soldier remained silent for a moment thinking about the question.
“Permission to speak freely, Sir,” he said after a moment.
“Permission granted,” the boy answered.
“Well, with supplies coming in slowly and not enough soldiers to do any real amount of damage at the moment, if we were to blindly go to war right now, we would be destroyed. That being said however, if we just pulled back, our enemies would see it as a sign of defeat and they would come here. To be completely honest our odds are very small right now,” the soldier explained.
“Rokendil,” the younger boy spoke from the king’s bedside. “Are we going to have to go into hiding?”
“What-? Where did you hear something like that?” the older boy exclaimed.
“I heard father speaking about it with his advisors a while back, he said with the war so close he might have to send us into hiding. Are we going to have to go into hiding?” he asked.
“Who specifically said this?” Rokendil asked.
“Well it was one of the advisors that said that father should send us into hiding where no one could find us.”
Rokendil turned sharply back to the guard. “What is your name?”
“Charles Marven, Sir,” he replied.
“Who is your commander, Charles?” Rokendil asked.
“You, Sir,” he said.
“Perfect. Charles, I order you to take your men, and arrest all of my fathers old advisors,” Rokendil ordered. “And if they demand a reason why, what shall I tell them?” Charles asked already walking to the door.
“Tell them that they’re under arrest for conspiracy against me, my brother, and for the murder of the king,” Rokendil said. Charles left the room, and Rokendil sighed. He had taken charge over situations before but now he had to keep control of a situation. His little brother was silent for a long time. “You didn’t answer my question,” he said sounding a little annoyed. “No we won’t have to go into hiding,” Rokendil answered. “Not right now anyway. But I can’t promise that we won’t have to ever.” He walked out of the room leaving his little brother to mourn. Unfortunately he did not have the time to be in mourning. He had to be in charge of the kingdom, way too soon for only being sixteen years old, but such was the way in this land. Maybe he could change that. But it wouldn’t be today. Nor anytime in the near future.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Nine years later
An explosion shook the plaza, throwing soldiers everywhere, and showering rocks on people. Rokendil was thrown backward into a wooden pole. One that held several things up and as he hit it the pole broke letting all the things fall. He pushed himself up and brushed the dirt off him. A soldier came sprinting toward him through the smoke and dust clouds. It was Charles, Rokendil’s brother was not far behind him.
They were under attack at the castle. There was fire everywhere and people were being slaughtered. They had been fighting outside the main gate for close to a month now. Rokendil’s men were tired, half of of his men had died, and everyone had some sort of injury. It was actually lucky that they had gotten this far, without being completely obliterated. Before they’d reached the main gate they had been fighting for over six years. Not all at once, but the fights had been with the same people.
Rokendil and his brother had both stepped away from any royalty stand in the midst of it. Letting the throne be controlled by their trusted advisor. Very few actually knew that Rokendil and his brother were really the lost princes. Charles knew and had not left their sides since the day of their father’s death. And one of the new generals knew, but he only knew of Rokendil. And he was trustworthy enough, that Rokendil was not worried about it.
“We have to get out of here the castle is lost and we can not have you two dieing,” Charles said as he stopped in front of Rokendil. Rokendili locked eyes with his brother thinking back to his father's dying words. “Rokendil, take care of your brother and your people.”
“No, only one of us needs to stay alive to lead the kingdom,” Rokendil said. Before his brother could object to anything, Rokendil gave his last order as a king. “Charles Marven, I order you to escort my brother out of the town and keep him hidden from our enemies, until the time is right for him to come back and claim the throne. Guard him with you life and swear that you will not come back until he is ready.”
Charles looked at Rokendil for a moment then he looked at the other young prince. He had horror in his eyes, pleading for his brother to take it back. Even he could not disobey a direct order. “I swear on my life that he shall be kept safe, and when the day is right I shall bring him back to you,” Charles vowed. He turned to the young prince. “We must get you out of here before the rest of her army reaches us.” They both began to leave, Rokendil’s brother giving him one final look before sprinting around the corner. Charles began to follow him.
“Good luck my old friend and, my trusted mentor. Take care of him,” Rokendil called after him.
“Take care of yourself my young king,” the older man called back before disappearing around the corner after his brother.
Rokendil turned back to his men, sword in hand, the young general looking at him in expectation. Flames climbed into the night and his battle cry echoed off the walls as he and his men gave one last push for the city.
(Okay so I don't know why the font did that, and I don't know how to fix it sorry.)
This is a very investive story, you really know how to keep the reader glued! Here are a few things about the story. The beginning was a little confusing. Were the boys supposed to be tense or worried? In order to show this, in the first paragraph 1st line “Two boys, in the hall waiting” It needs to be more descriptive. For example, two boys wait anxiously in a castle hallway. One paces back and forth nervously while the other stares silently at a wall. They’d been there for several hours. Something like this would work, but it’s mainly grammatical errors and transitions that fiddle your scenes. If you fix those right up and make some changes here and there this story will be the bomb! I would love to see how it turns out in the future, and look forward to see it as best selling! 👏👍
Thank you! I really appreciate this.