forum Will someone critique this part of my story?

Started June 29, 2018 by @purpleowl25_pew_pew

tune

It's not the beginning of my story, it's just a preview for about halfway through the story. (Sorry if it doesn't make sense)

It was so dark, and so cold. Ashley was nearly frozen to the bone. And the smell! Well, of course it would smell in the sewers. The pitch-black pipes would have been scary normally, but searching for the possessed reanimated corpse of her friend? She didn't even know how she wasn't running away, screaming. The earphones on her headset crackled.

"Hey, Ashley. How are you holding up?" said Presley. She had given everyone headsets so they could keep in contact with her as she tracked them on her computer. "Well, besides the fact that it's freezing, I can't see anything, and I'm standing in ankle-deep crap, I'm fine. You?" Ashley tried to keep her voice from trembling.
Presley laughed. Her laughing stopped abruptly. "Presley? Are you okay?" Ashley asked.

"Oh, god no." came through the speaker. "Presley? Is everything okay?" Ashley said frantically. "I'm fine, but you might not be. There's a blip on my screen. A heat signature."
"Where? Who?" asked Ashley.
"It's coming right toward you."

She spun around, looking in the darkness. There was nothing there. "On what side?" There was no answer. Just static. "Presley?" Ashley squeaked. Then she heard it. The clicking. Something with long nails was coming toward her. Ashley made a very undignified squeaking noise as she slowly turned around and squinted. She couldn't see anything. The scratching noise came closer. Ashley took a step back and slipped. Then… a rat scrambled right past her. Ashley had to laugh. She stood up and brushed off. "It was just a rat, Presley! Just a stupid, smelly rat!" There was only static for a few moments, then "Ashley… don't…. behind…"

"Presley! I can't hear you! Can you hear me?"

"I can hear you." said a sickly, sweet, chilling voice from behind Ashley. She froze. Goosebumps popped up on the back of her neck. She turned around, and screamed.

first of all, holy schnitzle! this is terrifying.
Second of all, pretty good!
My only critique would be to use bigger words.
Replace "scary" with a synonym that's a bit bigger and more elaborate. It'll make the story sound more professional and make it more interesting to read.
Also, I would remove the "even" from "She didn't even know how she wasn't running away, screaming." It'll make it flow better and sound more professional.
But again, GREAT! THIS IS SCARY AND COOL AND I LIKE!

Okay yeah, that's terrifying. It's also really good. I only have a few critiques.

1. I second what Anyone At All said
2. "Hey, Ashley. How are you holding up?" said Presley. I might use "asked" instead.
3. Dialogue has its own format. When each person speaks, it has to have its own line.
4. ""Oh god no." came through the speaker." should be ""Oh god no," came through the speaker." and ""I can hear you." said a sickly, sweet, chilling voice from behind Ashley." should be ""I can hear you," said a sickly sweet, chilling voice from behind Ashley."
5. I love this "The pitch-black pipes would have been scary normally, but searching for the possessed reanimated corpse of her friend?" it's great XD

I love this scene! It's very well written, with tension and suspense and great imagery. And the last few lines—perfect.

Anyone At All thank you for the good advice. I totally agree with you on changing the word "scary" because it isn't really a professional word. @alice yeah, I'm not really good at punctuation and dialogue so my writing is sometimes a bit sloppy in those areas. Thanks for the great advice both of you!

Anytime! If I can help again in any way, I'd be happy to!

No problem!