I will critique anything IF you copy and paste the work into this thread. Do not insert any links or share any documents, please.
Critique will include:
hey could you review this? It's written like an autobiography about a fake family/person.
Hey, so this is all I have so far in this story. It's not great I'm aware but I'd be extremely grateful if you could give me some tips. It's not a very serious piece as you will see. I also don't have a title if you have any suggestions. (sorry if I'm asking a lot) I'm just going to paste it in below:
Prologue (maybe include, maybe not idk yet)
I have always been, well, different. I grew up in New York City and I never stayed at a school for more than a few weeks. I wasn’t really a bad kid. Things just never seemed to work out. I spent my free time wandering the streets and finding secret places. But the thing that really set me apart from you’re average ten year old was that I could, well, time travel. I know, I know; it’s insane. It is! I’ve been able to since the age of seven. I mostly used it to make things go my way. But then, when I turned thirteen, a group called The Epoch found me. They told me that they were in charge of keeping order in the world, making sure things don’t turn out to bad and that they were looking for someone like me. Someone who could drastically change history. I have been working with them ever since, going back in time, changing things a bit and then coming back to modern day. Now I’m seventeen and I’m a barista. The Epoch set me up with what they thought was the most ordinary job as to not draw attention to myself. And that worked out for a while, but one day, everything changed.
Chapter One, When I was Informed the World was Going to End
I walked down the street early that morning. I had received a call from the Epoch last night telling me to meet them in a warehouse this morning. When I arrived, I saw a group of people sitting at a long table waiting for me. As I slouched into my seat foot of the table, I examined the people sitting near me. To my left was Harley Sedon, a gruff man who was in charge of teaching me the language and slang of the time I travel to. Next to him was Helena Nict, she was a frantic woman who had mousy hair and always wore the newest designer clothes. She made clothing for me that suits the period I go to. On my right sat Matt Lamanert, the communications officer and next to him were two security officers, Mara Grayz and Grace Cathlen. Across from me at the head of the table sat the leader of the the Epoch, Maxine Part. She had straight, blood red hair and olive skin and always held a professional gaze.
“Mark, good morning.” she greeted me. “We have gathered today to discuss our next feat. I must say, this next project is quite a large task. Do you think you can handle it?” She asked. I don’t understand why she always asks if I can handle it. She is well aware by now that the answer is always yes.
“You know it Maxy!” I reply. She hates it when I call her nicknames but I do it anyways. It brings me joy.
“Yes, Marcus. Well, we have recently received intel that the queen of a small African nation is planning something terrible. Sadly, I cannot provide you with details but we need you to…”
“Wait,” I interrupt her. “You can’t provide me with the details? What is that supposed to mean?” I ask. She glares at me, obviously angry at my interruption.
“It is highly classified information Mr. Schielt. I’m very sorry. But back to the point, we need you to…”
“No hold on. Why can’t you give me this information? You always do! How am I supposed to know what to do if I don’t know why I’m doing it?” I say, annoyed.
“Mr. Schielt! If you would let me continue speaking I may be able to give you some answers!” Maxine says raising her voice.
“Fine! Go ahead!” I say back.
“Thank you.” she goes back to her normal tone. “We cannot provide you with the details about the case but this woman is a very bad person. We need you to go back to the time of her childhood and change something there. If that cannot happen, then you will simply have to kill her.” Maxine says calmly.
“Kill her!” I shout, rising from my chair. “Max, you can’t expect me to do that!” I protest.
“It is only a last resort Marcus. If you succeed in changing her childhood, her life will be spared. But remember, if it does come to assasination, it is for the greater good. Will you do it?” Maxine says.
“Alright fine.” I say as I sit back down, defeated. “I’ll do it. Now, where am I going?.” I ask.
“Well, she was born in 1972 under the name Idowu Mwangi but now goes by ‘The Queen of Darkness, in her language Malkia wa Giza.” Maxine tells me.
“Woah, she’s one for theatrics.” I joke but no one laughs.
Maxine continues as if I never spoke, “We want you to go back to 1989, when she was 17. This is when her parents disappeared. We believe this is what caused her to become, well, evil.”
“Alrighty, sounds nifty. Let’s get to work!” I say. Everyone stands and starts walking toward their office, all except me, Helena Nict, and Harley Sedon. Helena walked up to Maxine and I heard bits of their conversation, discussing the fashion of Africa in 1989. Harley walked toward me.
“Get up, we have lots of work to do.” He commanded, his voice was like gravel. We started walking toward his office. When we arrived, I realized Maxine had obviously given him a head start on this project. The walls were covered with papers, things cut out of newspapers and sheets printed off African websites. That surprised me, I didn’t know Africa was that advanced. I had a lot of learning to do.
After twelve grueling hours of studying with Harley, I finally had a basic understanding of the time. I went to the warehouse’s ‘lobby’ area which was stocked with coffee to give me a boost. I still had to meet with Maxine. To my surprise, she was waiting for me in the lobby.
“Ah, Marcus, I expected to see you here. We have decided how you are going to go about this mission so please, meet me in my office after your done drinking that,” her face twisted with disgust, “well, for lack of a better phrase,that crap.”
“Hm, not a coffee person. I see. Anyways, I’ll be there in like, five.”
“Alright, hurry.” She said and walked off.
Maxine’s office was more well-kept an and organized than a NASA lab. She sat at her desk opposite of the security directors whose names I can never remember.
“Yo.” I greeted them. Maxine glared at me.
“Hello Marcus. As you know we are here to discuss the upcoming mission. Please take the seat between Ms. Grayz and Ms. Cathlen.” Maxine ordered me. I obeyed and sat. The security directors always scared me, they were so… serious. “Alright, so I assume your training with Harley went well.” She didn’t wait for me to answer but continued, “You will be travelling backwards on the eleventh of June, this year. In three days. You will be going to Somalia, September 13, 1989. We will be flying you to Kenya in two days. From there, you will go back and find your way to Somalia. She will be living in a village called Haar Dorpie. You will arrive one day before her parents went missing, believed kidnapped by a terrorist group. Do whatever you can to save them. If you fail, well, you know the alternative.” Maxine explained.
“Great. I can’t wait.” I said sarcastically. Apparently Maxine did not appreciate that because she retorted with,
“If you do not think you are up to the task, we have other agents begging for an important mission. I would be more than happy to gi-”
“I’ll do it Max! Jeez, take a joke.” I interrupted.
“Mara and Grace,” she gestured to the women sitting on either side of me, “will accompany you to the border of Somalia but you are then on your own. Your bags will be packed for you, after what happened last time.” She gave me the most evil glare she could muster. On my last mission to the 1800s, I packed my bag with junk food. Maxine did not appreciate this and I had to go back and clean up the mess I’d made.
“Alright, that is all. Meet us here at 0300 hours on Thursday. Grace, Mara, and I will take you to the airport. I will leave you there but Grace and Mara will continue on with you until Africa. You are dismissed.” Maxine concluded.
“See y'all in two days!” I winked at Maxine and left.
Chapter Two, Slushies and Bombs don’t Mix
I arrived at the Epoch’s warehouse at 3:05 in the morning, groggy and running solely on coffee.
“You’re late” Maxine said as I stepped in the door. She was tapping her foot impatiently.
“By five minutes! Gosh Max!” I snapped back at her. I don’t usually do that, but travel days were my exception because of the early hours.
“Time is everything. You of all people should know that.” She reprimanded.
“Yeah, whatever.”
Maxine was obviously flustered now and I was only making it worse.
“Sorry Max.” I said, and I actually meant it.
“Yes, it’s fine. Just, just go and see Helena. She has your clothes and bag. And hurry! We need to get going!” Maxine told me.
“On it” I said and walked to the seamstress’s room.
As usual, her room was a mess. Scraps of fabric everywhere, half finished outfits for other agents, coffee cups and take out containers, and old projects covered every inch of the room. Helena was sitting at her desk sketching what looked like a victorian dress.
“Hey Helena” I said from the doorway. She looked up startled.
“Oh Marcus! Hello. Here come in, I have your things right over… um, somewhere in here.” She spun around looking for my clothes. “There they are!” She cried when her eyes found an olive green duffle bag and stack of clothes.
“As you know, Africa is not as behind as most people think so you will be wearing pretty typical late 1980’s clothing. She handed me the stack. It included a pair of dirty grey sweatpants and a baggy red sweatshirt with a few holes. “All the clothes you will need are in this bag. There are about a weeks worth of outfits in there. It also has some basic medicine, vitamins, sunscreen, oh! That reminds me! To help you to blend in, we will be covering you in this paste. It will temporarily dye your skin dark brown. It should wear off in, hmm, two weeks? But it won’t be a problem if you get back earlier than that! Good luck Mark!” She shoved the duffle bag and clothes in my hands and pushed me out the door. Helena was not one for hospitality.
I would be changing in Africa so I didn’t have to worry about changing yet.
“There you are!” Maxine cried when I entered the lobby. “You have everything?” She asked. She sounded like an overprotective mother.
“Yes, Maxine” I said.
“Great, the car is waiting. Let’s head out!”
John F. Kennedy Airport was busy as usual so it was easy to go unnoticed. Maxine said her goodbyes at the doors.
“Alright Mark, this is where I leave you. Don’t leave Mara and Grace until you’ve travelled back. Make sure no one sees you when you’re going back. And I mean no one. We don’t want to have to deal with that. Remember to change and, just accomplish the task. Don’t get off track. And most importantly, don’t die.”
“Thank you Max. You are very encouraging.” I said. “See you soon”
“I sure hope so” said Maxine and I turned and walked away.
I stayed close to Grace and Mara in the airport, it was embarrassing. We were supposed to be friends from college going on a volunteer trip but the deadpan look in their eyes said otherwise. We got all the way to the gate unnoticed. Then, things got a bit more complicated. My stomach grumbled so loud that I could no longer deny how hungry I was. I went to an Auntie Anne’s stall to get a pretzel and a slushie. And then, in an unfortunate series of events, the slushie ended up on the ground instead of in my mouth. Jeez, how wonderful I thought. Out if habit, I jumped back five seconds and caught the drink for myself. I only realized what I’d done when I saw the startled and terrified faces of the people around me.
Grace looked at me, absolutely horrified. She quickly composed herself and whispered to me “What the hell did you do that for Mark!”. The Epoch had trained her for this though, she stealthily took out silver canister. I knew what it was, I knew what she was about to do. She was going to erase these people’s memories. She turned some dials on the canister and dropped it on the ground discreetly. The people near the gate were all too occupied gaping at me to realize what Grace had just done.
“Ummm, The Great Magician, Mark the Illusionist everyone!” Mara announced and then lead me away right as the canister started smoking.
“Hurry!” Mara insisted, pushing me down a hallway and into a bathroom. She checked to make sure the bathroom was empty then closed the door and locked it.
“WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” Mara screamed at my face.
“Sorry, I, I wasn’t thinking.” I said. I had no other excuse.
“Well yeah, you obviously weren’t thinking! Seriously! How could you be so stupid!” Grace said.
That was it. “Gosh! I make ONE little mistake! One! And you freaking EXPLODE at me! And their memories are erased now, so what does it matter? No harm done!” I argued.
Mara and Grace paused, but then Mara countered me.
”One little mistake? It feels like you say that a lot Mark. This is just another in a string of ‘little mistakes’. Those add up Mark! And we can’t just go around constantly erasing memories!” she yelled.
“Fine fine, I’ll be more careful. I promise. Just, please don’t report this to Maxine.” I pleaded. I did not want Max getting on my case for this.
“Fine,” Grace said. “But this is the last time we cover for you.”
I sighed with relief. “Thank you!” I said.
“Alright, the fog should be done now. Let’s go. Don’t do anything stupid, please.” Mara said. We walked out of the bathroom. Everyone looked a bit spaced out and taken aback. “Act normal.” Grace whispered out of the corner of her mouth. She pretended to drop her keys and knelt down to pick up the canister. It was no longer smoking but my face wrinkled from the sour smell. We resumed our seats. I glanced at the screen above the help desk. 5:00 am New York time. The plane was scheduled to arrive at 5:35. Looks like I had some time to kill. I leaned toward Mara who had her nose in a book.
“Hey, Mara.” I said.
“What?” she sounded irritated.
“I’m gonna go check out that shop over there. Find something to read, ya know.” I told her.
She glanced at her watch, then at me. “Fine, but behave. No jumping back, or forward. Blend in, don’t be too noticeable. Act, you know, normal.” she said and handed me ten dollars.
“Thanks!” I said and walked over to the store. I was browsing the shelves when a dark skinned man walked up next to me. I tried move away from him but he followed me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him glancing in my direction. He moved even closer to me, our shoulders were touching. Then he turned to me and said
“Jump”
What was that supposed to mean?
“What?” I asked him.
“Jump forward, do something. Get out of here. Ten minutes.” he said and then walked away as if nothing had happened. What was that? I was so taken aback that I just stood there, rooted to the spot. Jump? What did he mean by that? He couldn’t possibly mean… no, he couldn’t know about my time travel. That would be crazy. And he told me to get out of here. Ten minutes he had said. Butterflies were starting to rise in my stomach. What did it all mean? I gave up on my search for a magazine and went back by Grace and Mara.
Ten minutes the man had said. I looked at my watch. It was now down to five. I got the creeping sense that something bad was going to happen, and not just because of the man’s warning. I could feel it in the air; still, waiting. Something was going to happen.
“Hey, Mara, umm, can we go, uhh, take a walk? And Grace too? All of us?” I asked Mara. She looked confused. “You know, just, uh, go for a quick walk. Get our legs moving a bit before the flight!’ I was scared, but I tried to hide it. Mara turned and looked skeptically at Grace.
“Mark, our flight is in-”
“I know, I know. It will only take five minutes. I promise.” I said. I was getting worried, really worried. I checked my watch again. Three minutes. I scanned the room. There didn’t seem to be anything abnormal, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t. Grace and Mara looked at each other again.
“I mean, I guess Mark. But where do you want to-”
“Great! Let’s go!” I said and jumped out of my seat. I grabbed Mara and Grace by the wrists and threw my duffle bag over my shoulder. We walked briskly down the hallway.
“Jeez Mark! Why so fast?” Mara asked as I pulled them down the hallway. Away from the gate. I said to myself. Anywhere but there.
“Just getting some physical exercise! Get that, uh, heartbeat up!” I said to her. Grace tried to slow down but I continued to pull her along. I glanced at my watch again. One minute. I broke out into a run.
“Mark! Slow down! What are you doing!” Grace yelled. They were running to keep up with me. I looked down at my watch again just as another minute ticked away. The man’s ten minutes were up. I stopped running and everything was silent. And then
BOOM
Mara and Grace turned and looked at each other, their eyes were wide and their faces held expressions of shock. There was no doubt I looked the same. Mara and Grace began sprinting back toward the gate, where the noise had come from. I stood in the middle of the hallway for a minute, completely shocked and then ran after them. When I arrived at the gate, I saw a scene of devastation. Everything was blown to bits. The items in the shops were strewn everywhere and the floor was covered in debris. The few people who had been in the area were laying on the floor. No one looked dead but most were seriously injured. I heard a noise come from a pile of debris behind me. I rushed toward what used to be the Auntie Anne’s stall. The noise was clearer now. It was someone, moaning. I started digging through the debris for the person making the noise.
“Don’t worry! I’m coming! Hang in there!” I shouted. I kept digging and throwing chunks of the building behind me. Then I saw an arm, bloody and probably broken. I dug faster. Soon I could see a woman’s face and torso.
“Help…” She whispered feebly.
“Shhh, I got you, I’ll get you out.” I said in my most calming voice, but inside I was terrified. I managed to pull her out eventually. She was not in good shape. Her arm was definitely broken and her ankle was twisted, probably broken too. Her thy was cut open and she had a huge gash on her forehead which were crating a huge pool of blood around her. I ripped off part of my shirt like I’d seen people in movies do and wrapped it around her leg. The I ripped off another piece and pressed it to her head. Put pressure to the wound, I remembered learning when I was younger. Her eyes flitted open and closed.
“Hey, stay with me okay. Keep your eyes open, alright? Can you do that?” I asked her. I wasn’t really expecting an answer but she nodded slightly. I turned and looked around me, trying to access the rest of the damage. A few windows were cracked and the seats were in complete disrepair. People were everywhere, helping the wounded and looking for others. Most of the people helping were TSA member but some were just ordinary people who had just been getting ready for a vacation. I spotted Mara carrying people to the center of the room and Grace trying to treat everyone’s wounds the best she could. I turned back to the woman I was helping. Don’t lose consciousness I thought. I tried to think of ways to keep her awake.
“What’s your name?” I asked softly.
“Jean.” She paused and took a breath before she could continue. She must have lost a lot of blood when doing something so simple was so difficult. “Jean Harolds” she whimpered.
“Alright Jean. I need you to stay awake.” I said and scanned the room again quickly. I saw a number of people talking frantically on their cell phones. Good, I thought They’re calling the police.
“An ambulance will be here soon to help you okay.” I said to Jean. She nodded softly. Silent tears were rolling down her cheeks. I realized my face was wet to. I was crying. I didn’t know why, I guess it must have been the shock of what had happened and seeing all this devastation. Then I heard sirens and saw red and blue flashing lights out of the broken windows.
“Alright Jean, they’re here, the police and the ambulances are here. They’re going to take you away, they’re going to take you to a hospital and, and you’re gonna be okay.” I told her. I kept my hand against the wound on her head. The scrap from my light blue shirt was now red with blood. Then EMTs and firemen can rushing into the building. A man in the EMT uniform rushed over to help me with Jean. He was pursued by a woman with a stretcher.
“Alright Stacy help me get her on. Can I ask your help too young man?” He said. His voice was strong and steady and it reassured me. I nodded and grabbed Jean’s feet and helped lift her onto the stretcher. Immediately the paramedic man started examining her wounds.
“We got a broken arm with superficial cuts. A partial thickness wound to the head. Full thickness cut on the lower left thy, a few broken ribs, superficial cuts to the torso, and an ankle injury with superficial and partial thickness cuts to the legs. Let’s get her to an ambulance!” The man said and they carried Jean away. I went towards the center of the room near Grace who was helping the EMTs. Almost all the injured were out now. There were some firemen around checking the damage and looking for the source of the destruction. I went up to one of them.
“What happened?” I asked one firewoman.
“Well, if I’m bein’ honest with yeh, it looks like a bomb” she said. She has a Canadian accent.
“A bomb?” I repeated, shocked. I don’t know what else I was expecting.
“Yeah, a bomb. A pretty small one, thankfully. You didn’t happen to see anyone suspicious, eh?” She asked.
“No.” I said. But then I realized, yes, I had seen someone suspicious. The man in the book stall. I didn’t say anything to the woman but walked away to go through my thoughts. Ten minutes, he had said. Get out. He was warning me. But how did he know.. And I was still puzzled by him telling me to jump. Did he want me to try to stop this from happening. Then someone put their hand on my shoulder and I jumped.
“Hey, it’s just us” said Grace. Mara was standing next to her, they were both covered on blood. I looked down and realized I was too. I tried to wipe some of the blood on my hands onto my shirt but it was drying and it didn’t work.
“We need to go.” Mara said and I realized then, that we had missed out flight and had no means of getting to Africa.
Chapter Three, Waka Waka Eh Eh, This Time For Africa
Mara and Grace were leading me towards the broken windows of the airport.
“How,may I ask, are you planning to get us to Africa?” I asked them.
“We’re gonna fly. What else?” Grace replied, as if JFK Airport getting blown up was nothing to worry about.
“Well if I’m not mistaken, to fly, you need an airplane. Where are we gonna get one of those?” I asked. Mara whipped around and glared at me.
“Will you just trust us for a day?” she said. We were standing on the edge of the window now, looking out.
“Yeah okay fine, I’ll trust you.” I said.
“Alright. Jump.” Mara told me, still looking down.
“Hold on WHAT? You just want me to jump, like out the window? You’re insane Mara you know that? Insane.”
“Mark, just jump out the window, and jump a few seconds into the future, then catch yourself. “ Grace said, trying to be reassuring but failing. I looked at both of them and then jumped out of the window.
The wind rushed passed me as I fell. I put all my concentration on traveling forward until I fell into my own arms. “Hey, good catch.” I said to myself, “You handsome devil”. I high fived myself before the other me disappeared.
“HEY MARA,”I shouted, “I’M ALIVE!” I looked up, the sun shining in my eyes. Through the glare, I could see a shape plummeting from the window. Grace. I had just enough time to position myself under her before she fell on top of me.
“Oh! I’m so sorry Mark!” she said and scrambled off of me.
“No problem,” I grunted, “Just, maybe give me a warning next time?”.
I stood up and waited for Mara. This time it was a bit easier and I caught her. “Thanks” she said as I set her down. Our eyes locked for a few seconds and then she turned and started walking onto the air field.
“How about that one?” Grace said, pointing to a four seater airplane.
“Wait, are you planning on stealing that plane?” I asked her. “Yeah, problem?” Grace said. She had a point. “Um, no.” I said.
“Alright! Let’s go hijack this sucker.”
The plane was off-white with a yellow stripe along the side. It was old and dirty, seemed like it hadn’t been used since the 1940s. “You sure you can get this to work?” I asked Grace skeptically. “Please, Mark. I can jumpstart a model T-Ford. This won’t be a problem” she said. And so she got to work on the plane. Sparks flew at first and she singed off part of her hair, but the plane was ready to fly in fifteen minutes and we had so far gone unnoticed. So far... “Mark, can you pilot a plane?” Mara asked me once we were inside the aircraft. “Ummm, no. Why? I thought you could?” I replied. Great, I thought, None of us can fly. Well, here’s to East Africa getting destroyed because I can’t fly a freaking plane! Cheers! “Oh, yeah. Of course I can fly! Just wanted to know if maybe, you wanted to.” Mara said. I would soon find out, Mara does not know how to fly a plane.
The artificial leather seats of the plane were anything but comfortable. And it was cramped, really cramped. Grace had to climb over me no less than five times in about seven minutes while Mara was preparing the plane for takeoff. Mara’s eyes were wide and she seemed to be working up a sweat even though it wasn’t that hot. Her hands were shaky as she reached for the controls.”Okayyyy, so first we’ve gotta cruise this thing onto the runway.” She said coolly, but her demeanor was anything but that. “I think the correct term is ‘taxi’ this thing onto the runway.” I said which earned me an evil glare from Mara. “I know what I’m doing!” she said “I just need to focus so if you could shut up for a few minutes, that’d be great.” She sounded tenser than normal. I looked to Grace for support but she was too busy gazing out a window to notice me. I saw Mara mouthing words, her eyes closed. I was about to tell her to get a move on but figured that would only end badly for me. Finally, Mara gripped the control wheel and turned some knobs and we lurched forward. “Sorry!” Mara cried as I peeled my face off of the back of her seat. She took a deep breath and piloted the plane forward. We reached the runway and Mara looked more nervous than I’ve ever seen her. “Hey, you okay?” I asked her. She nodded unconvincingly and adjusted her grip on the control wheel. “Uh, hey guys, looks like we’ve got company.” Grace said and she pointed out the window. Outside, five cop cars were speeding towards us and another five were driving onto the runway to cut us off. “Mara, you might want to get this plane of the ground! Like, now!” I called. “I’m going as fast as I can!” she screamed at me. She closed her eyes and started muttering words under her breath again. Outside, I could hear police officers yelling at us, “HEY! THIS PLANE HAS NOT BEEN AUTHORIZED FLIGHT! PLEASE EXIT THE VEHICLE WITH YOUR HANDS UP! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST FOR STEALING THIS PLANE AND MUST COME TO THE STATION AS WITNESSES OF THE RECENT BOMBING!” one of them shouted. Then, Mara opened her eyes and turned a knob all the way. She clenched her hands around the control wheel and shouted at Grace and me, “Get ready for takeoff! This might be a little bumpy!” And with that we speed forward. It felt like we were going Mach Ten as we left the ground, coming so close to the police cars lined up on the runway that I though for sure we were going to hit them, but miraculously we made it into the air. “Wow,” Mara said when we were in the air, “I can’t believe that worked!” I looked out the plane’s window and saw the police cars below us, lights flashing red white blue, red white blue. In the shock of the moment, I did the thing I last expected myself to do and laughed. Grace joined me and soon we were all laughing hysterically. “Mara-” I choked out between laughs, “fly... fly the-” “-stop laughing and...and fly the damn plane!” and we all started in another chorus of laughter. The rest of the day was light-hearted. We all shared snacks and stories, mostly about our time with the Epoch and how we got there. “And what brought you to the Epoch Mara?” Grace asked her. “Well gee, I mean, it’s kinda a long story.” she said. “It’s kinda a long plane ride Mara, we got time.” I protested. “If you insist.” she said. She flipped on an autopilot switch Grace had marvelously engineered into the plane whilst hot wiring it and turned around to face us. “It all started about four years back. I was sixteen and I ran away from home, to the country. I found an abandoned barn that I fixed up and began living in, I learned to live on my own. Raised some birds I found on a trail one day, pheasants or quail, something like that. It kept me alive. But then, my brother found me. He had been looking for me since the day I left. When he arrived at the barn though,” she paused. I noticed her eyes were moist with tears. “Well, he was injured. Shot by another farmer down aways. In the side, that’s where he was shot. I still don’t know how he managed to make it all the way there. But he did. He didn’t last long after that. He um, well, he died that night.” she had fought back the tears now, but I could see in her eyes that this was hard for her to say. “After that, I ran into a city, Chicago actually. I got in a lot of fights, learned to defend myself. Well, one day I was fighting someone, I don’t even remember who, or over what, but, an old Epoch member saw me and took me back to New York. I trained formally there and well, the rest is history.” she finished. I was shocked, didn’t know what to say, what I said was definitely not the right thing, “Well that’s pretty sucky, I guess” I mumbled. Mara glanced up at me but went back to piloting the plane. Dusk had started to settle so Grace and I made our best attempts at getting comfortable and dozed off to sleep.
Rumble rumble. I squinted my eyes open. It was still dark out but it was definitely morning. Rumble rumble.The plane shook. Turbulence, I guessed. Mara seemed to be having trouble with the controls, like she didn’t know what she was doing.
“Morning” I said groggily to her. She glanced at me but didn’t say anything. She was frantically searching the cockpit, looking for something. I wasn’t sure she knew what she was looking for. Her eyes darted from wall to wall. “Looking for something?” I remarked, but Mara was not having it. “We’re supposed to be landing in ten miles Mark. TEN MILES! And I would like to have my wits about me while I’m landing this plane so SIT DOWN!” she screamed. I put my hands up in surrender and sat back down. Now, Mara was really having trouble with the controls. She was flicking things on and off without meaning and her hands were shaking. She located the auto pilot switch and flipped it on.
She reached over and pulled a map out of her backpack and unfolded it. It filled the entire space, blocking her view of the windshield. I heard her muttering to herself, obviously sleep deprived, “Okay so we’re here-” she pointed to a spot and moved her finger slightly west, “-and we’re going there. Wait, no no, we’re here.” she pointed to another spot. “But there’s the village?” she muttered. “Mark!” She gestured more me to come near her. “Change of plans, we’re dropping you off a few miles from Haar Dorpie, the village, instead of in Kenya. Got it?” she told me. “Uh yeah, cool.” I said. I felt bad for her, she was tired and flustered. “Hey Mara, you want some coffee? I think I have some instant coffee packs in my… what’s that sound?” She looked up immediately. “What? What do you mean?” she demanded. She grabbed the map and threw it to the side. We looked out the window and saw the plane in a nosedive towards the ground.
“WHAT! I HAD THE AUTOPILOT…on” she looked at the autopilot knob and saw it flashing red, it had stopped working. “DAMN IT!” she yelled. “GRACE, GRACE WAKE UP AND GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!” she screamed. Grace perked up and saw our predicament. “What happened!?” She said as she rushed to Mara’s side. She started flipping switches and grabbed the control wheel. “Mara, MOVE!” She yelled and Mara scrambled out of her seat. “AH dang! It’s all dead again. The controls everything. To get it to work again, someone would have to climb under the plane and…” she saw the confused looks on our faces. “Let’s just say, we’d be dead before we could fix it. There should be parachutes in the back, let’s grab ‘em and ditch.” she explained. We all rushed to the back of the plane and put on the parachutes and corresponding gear. Mara opened the emergency exit. We were only about two hundred feet from the ground now. I stared out the door. Mara and Grace gave one look at me and then at each other. Mara nodded and Grace pushed me out of the plane. They both jumped in pursuit.
“AHHHHHHHHHHH” I screeched as I plummeted to Earth. Grace tried to yell something to me but I couldn’t hear a thing, other than the wind in my ears. I was only one hundred feet from the ground now. Now might be a good time to mention that I have no clue how to operate a parachute. Grace motioned to me, pulling downwards on, something. Oh! Duh! I thought to myself, I pull the string and it makes the parachute, blossom. Blossom? Is that what you call it? Anyway, I’ve seen this in movies, I’ve got this. I looked at the harness piece and pulled at what looked promising. UGH!! Nope, that’s not the one, I thought when I pulled one that tightened the harness so that it felt like a corset. Finally, I pulled the right one and my parachute shot out above me.
I sighed in relief as my feet hit the ground. I wanted to say something cool like some action hero’s catch phrase, but all that I could manage to say was “Holy crap”.
“You can say that again, you idiot.” Mara said to me.
“Idiot?! How am I an idiot?” I asked her, offended.
“You didn’t know how to work the parachute Mark! That is some prime idiocy right there.” she said. “Anyway, we need to get going. We’re expected to be in Somalia in-” she checked her watch, “-three hours.” She sighed. “We’d better get walkin’”. And so we walked.
And walked
And walked
And walked for what seemed like an eternity. The landscape was all desert with an occasional tree or camel caravan. Finally, as the sun was setting, I saw the outline of a village on the horizon. Mara turned to face me.
“This is where we leave you.” she said. “Please, be careful.Try not to do anything too stupid.”
“Yeah, I’ll try.” I said, rolling my eyes.
“I’m serious Mark!” she said. Her eyes were sad and caring, and they reflected the setting sun. I thought I could almost see tears forming.
“Yeah, okay. I will. I promise.” I said, confused by Mara’s sincerity.
“I, I’m gonna miss you.” She added.
“Yeah, you too.” I said. Inside I thought Did Mara really just say all that? I had no idea she could be so… emotional. “Well, see you on the other side, I guess.” I said.
Yeah, yeah.” She whispered.
“Alright Mara, let’s go.” Grace said. She had a smirk on her face as big as the Grand Canyon. “Pick you up in three days and twenty-two years, bye Mark.” she said and she winked at me. Then she grabbed Mara bye the arm and walked away. I turned my back on them and started towards the village.
Chapter Four (TOBIAS), When I Save the World with Chili Powder
I walked toward the village, Haar Dorpie, as the darkness of the night crept in. I was left alone to my thoughts, and I had a lot to think about. While I was walking, I realized a few things. ONe being that all the luggage, supplies, and clothes I was supposed to have had gone down with the plane. The second being that, I actually kind of missed having Mara around. Sure, she could be a poker-faced unsmiling brick, but she was good company. I also realized how far away the village really was. By the time I arrived, my legs were aching so much I could barely walk anymore.
When I arrived at Haar Dorpie, The sun had risen and I saw a bustling village square. There were stands all along streets, which were worn down by years of people walking on them. People were selling things like beads, eggs, questionable looking meat, and cloth. As I walked through the square, all eyes landed on me. I guess a random white guy walking out of the desert looking beat up is not something that happens normally here (I hope it’s not something that usually happens anywhere). It was pretty unsettling, having everyone watching you, I was used to blending in. I decided I’d better just get on with changing history and get out of here so I went up to a kind looking man and said to him, “Ma nabad baa”, or hello in English. I continued taking to him in Somali. I said “I’m a journalist from America. I’m doing a story on uh… inspiring families. Yeah. Do you know where Idowu Mwangi and her parents live?” The man looked at me skeptically. Then he pointed to a small, makeshift house near the edge of the village. “There” he said in Somali. “Mahadsanid, thank you” I said and headed towards the house.
I approached the house and heard commotion. Screaming, things breaking, and terrible sobbing. My heart rate quickened and I ran towards the house. I got to the house and threw open the door. Inside, the house was nearly pitch black. I could make out a girl crouched in a corner, crying. Instinctively, I ran up to her.
“Hey,” I said in my kindest voice. “Hey, what’s wrong.” I asked her. She looked up at me. She had the most stunning eyes I had ever seen, piercing green eyes. Instead of answering my question, she shook her head and continued to cry. “My name is Mark. What’s your…” I stopped realizing, I knew who this scared little girl was. This was Idowu, the Queen of Darkness. And I was trying to comfort her! My tone hardened, “Where are you parents?” I asked. She looked up at me, surprised by my change in tone then looked towards a doorway in the back. “Stay here” I told her in my most assertive voice and then I ran out the door. Outside, behind the house, two people who I assumed were Idowu’s parents were talking nervously. I approached and began speaking to them in Somali.
“Hello, what happened? Are you two okay?” I asked them. They looked at me and then the woman answered,
“Did you go in the house? Is Idowu, is she alive?” she asked me. I was surprised by that comment.
“Um, yes. She is alive. What happened.” I asked, more urgently this time. Idowu’s parents glanced at each other and then back at me. Their eyes were full of apprehension. “Do you believe in magic?” her father asked me.
“Yes, of course.” I replied. Being a time traveler and all, I knew a lot about magic. Idowu’s parents looked at each other again before her father continued.
“Well, Idowu, she posses a magical ability. A very old, very rare one.” He said.
“What kind of magic?” I inquired.
Idowu’s father sighed. “Obtenebration.” He said.
“What?” I had never heard of that type of magic before. Whatever it was, it did not sound good.
“The power-” he paused as if waiting for dramatic effect “-to manipulate darkness”
Could you critique my scene?
It's between two of my characters, I'll link them at the end. (their bios are really bad i'm still developing them):
Peaches. It smelled like peaches, and something else. Ella tried to identify the scent, but couldn’t. She lifted her head and opened her eyes, glancing around the white room. Her head pounded at the sudden movement. She groaned and let her head fall on the pillow.
“Olivia!” The pillow muffled her calls for the other girl in the house.
“Hey, hon. I made eggs.” A soft voice. Olivia. The door creaked when it opened, letting more light flow into the room. Ella picked up her head and turned over, sitting up in the crisp, white sheets. Olivia smiled and got into the bed next to her, placing a plate of scrambled eggs in Ella’s lap after placing a kiss on her cheek.
“I love you,” Ella whispered and pulled Olivia in for another quick kiss. She tilted her head, looking longingly at Olivia, whose eyes were closed and who had a barely-there smile on her lips. Olivia hummed lightly and opened her eyes. Ella leaned on Olivia’s shoulder and started eating her eggs while the larger girl played with Ella’s black, smooth hair.
As Ella was eating, she noticed a candle flickering on the nightstand and recognized it as Olivia’s favorite scented candle. That explained the peaches. She finished her meal as Olivia braided her hair.
“Hmph.” She pouted softly. Olivia gave her a questioning look as she tied a pink rubber band around the end of the braid.
“Dad being a dick again?”
“As always.”
“Want me to fight him?” Olivia questioned jokingly, picking up another bunch of Ella’s black hair from the other side to start braiding.
“Yeah, have fun with that, Via. I’ve tried. What happened last night?” She asked, swatting Olivia’s hand playfully.
“I found you passed out drunk on the fire escape again,” Olivia said with a slight frown and look of concern. “Smudged mascara. You were crying a lot.” She touched the smaller girl’s hand cautiously. “You had your locket open.”
Ella’s un-occupied hand instinctively went to the bronze locket around her neck. She tightened her hand around the piece of jewelry and opened her eyes. She clicked the locket opened and looked down at the picture of her birth parents, holding a young version of her in their arms.
“Like you said, my dad was being a dick.” She was referring to the man who adopted her when his wife couldn’t have a kid. But a few years past and suddenly, they were expecting a kid. Ella got tossed to the side while these people who claimed to be her parents only cared for their “miracle baby.”
@Joneathan as I've said before, please paste the work in a reply. No shared documents or links.
For the rest of you, I will get to critiquing tomorrow! :)
sorry
I was born June 4th, 1978. I was a small baby, only 4 pounds 8 ounces. The night I was born was the night my biological father, Henry Copelan, ran away. Even though I was a small baby, I was allowed to go home a few days later. At the time my family consisted of me, my mother, and my two sisters; Lune and Stacy. My mother married Henry in 1970 and was Ellan Copelan for the next eight years. She was only nineteen at the time and he was twelve years her senior. Their marriage was loveless and was only there for the parents. Also because he had gotten her pregnant. Her parents didn’t want the child to be born out of wedlock. The sole reason they married, the pregnancy, was a stillborn. Mom said t was because of Henry pushing her stairs while she was 7 months pregnant. But that didn’t mean mom couldn’t have any other children because on October 14th, 1972, Lune Galadriel Copelan was born. Henry then had another source to take his anger out on. Lune got beaten many times, with Henry explaining it as ‘she was born from a different father and is therefore a sin’. Now it was true that my mother was seeing someone else at the time but she swears that they never had sex with them. Four years later on March 20th, 1976 Steven Alex Copelan was born, but later changed to Stacy Grace Copelan in 1991. Henry’s excuse for beating Stacy was that he didn’t want a second child. Around this time mom was starting to stand up for herself and her daughters. She would often shoot back at how if her hadn’t raped her or if she was allowed to get an abortion they wouldn’t have a second child. Because Ellan was standing up for herself, Henry got more violent. He dropped Lune down the stairs, and on more than one occasion he shook Stacy while she was still young enough to be in a crib. On one such occasion mom had just gotten Stacy away from Henry. Usually he would yell or hit Ellan but this time he just walked away. Mom put Stacy down and went after him. He had gotten a box of matches and some gasoline. He was able to pour a bit of the gasoline and light a match. The fire and the burned down house woke mom up. She issued for a divorce and starting living with her parents. Ellan was already pregnant with me and 2 months later I was born. She found an abandoned house and started to move in. that was the last time she saw her parents. I never knew my grandparents.
Till I was 7 years old, me and my family lived in an old, falling apart two story house on the outskirts of town. The house was marked as abandoned after Henry Copelan’s parents died and he just gave up on it. Because of the fact that we weren’t supposed to live in the house, I never knew my address. I could drive you to where it was from anywhere on Earth but I can’t tell you what the address was. I was never supposed to bring friends over and we had a PO box instead of having our mail delivered to a supposedly abandoned house. Now I did have friends, but I only saw them at school. I never invited them to my house and they never invited me over to theirs. Not to birthday parties or sleepovers or anything. I think it was because their parents wanted to meet mine, but I just had a single mother. I was admitted into Preston Public Pre-Elementary School in 1983 when I was only 5. I was the smallest in the class. I remember there was a guy who would always share his snack and lunch with me when I didn’t bring anything. I didn’t know that being guys liking guys was bad in that time. And I had the biggest kindergarten crush on this guy. I think his name was Tyler if I’m remembering correctly. I have a faint memory of telling him I liked him at recess. He ran away and told the teacher. The teacher took me to the office and they called my mother. She came down from work and found me crying and the principal had to tell her what happened. She got onto me for making her get off work. But she never told me that it was bad for me to have feelings for him, she just said that he didn’t have the same feelings for me, he just wanted to be friends. That was a very calm reaction for a parent in the 1980’s. The next earliest memory I have is from when I six and in first grade, but this wasn’t at school. It was night and Lune was yelling at me to hide. I ran into the kitchen and felt a wave of heat hit me. I saw a dark figure approach me. I tried to hide but he found me and picked me up. He yelled at me about how he was my father then threw me at the wall and told me I deserved that. I started crying and mom came in with a gun. I hid in a cabinet and didn’t really see what happened. There was a gunshot and screaming. I don’t remember anything past that. Mom tells me that Henry had broken into our house and burned down the kitchen.
@cashmerejumper011 so the prologue is less of a prologue and more of an introduction to the main character. It belongs in the first chapter rather than in the prologue. Also, I noticed that throughout the chapters you describe things by telling, rather than showing. I'm going to be pretty blunt with you here, it's really boring. It's not that your book is bad and this doesn't make you a terrible writer or anything. A lot of people do it, actually. But it's definitely something that I think you should change so that you don't bore your readers. Here's an example:
She had strawberry blonde hair and pale skin. [bad]
She tucked a lock of strawberry blonde hair behind her ear. The bright lights made her pale skin look white as snow. [better]
Note: using all caps to show that somebody is yelling is a bad idea. It makes your writing look unprofessional.
The emotion I'm getting from this is sort of simple, relaxing, and happy at the beginning. The voice that I get from the narrator is that of a carefree child. Later it gets a bit chaotic. I'm not sure if this is what you were going for, but this is the mood I was percieving.
As for titles, I have nothing for you. Sorry.
@Jensen-rs Thank you so much!
Can anyone critique my two characters,Annika and Jacob? I would really like to know what I could improve on.