tal
Could you critique my scene?
It's between two of my characters, I'll link them at the end. (their bios are really bad i'm still developing them):
Peaches. It smelled like peaches, and something else. Ella tried to identify the scent, but couldn’t. She lifted her head and opened her eyes, glancing around the white room. Her head pounded at the sudden movement. She groaned and let her head fall on the pillow.
“Olivia!” The pillow muffled her calls for the other girl in the house.
“Hey, hon. I made eggs.” A soft voice. Olivia. The door creaked when it opened, letting more light flow into the room. Ella picked up her head and turned over, sitting up in the crisp, white sheets. Olivia smiled and got into the bed next to her, placing a plate of scrambled eggs in Ella’s lap after placing a kiss on her cheek.
“I love you,” Ella whispered and pulled Olivia in for another quick kiss. She tilted her head, looking longingly at Olivia, whose eyes were closed and who had a barely-there smile on her lips. Olivia hummed lightly and opened her eyes. Ella leaned on Olivia’s shoulder and started eating her eggs while the larger girl played with Ella’s black, smooth hair.
As Ella was eating, she noticed a candle flickering on the nightstand and recognized it as Olivia’s favorite scented candle. That explained the peaches. She finished her meal as Olivia braided her hair.
“Hmph.” She pouted softly. Olivia gave her a questioning look as she tied a pink rubber band around the end of the braid.
“Dad being a dick again?”
“As always.”
“Want me to fight him?” Olivia questioned jokingly, picking up another bunch of Ella’s black hair from the other side to start braiding.
“Yeah, have fun with that, Via. I’ve tried. What happened last night?” She asked, swatting Olivia’s hand playfully.
“I found you passed out drunk on the fire escape again,” Olivia said with a slight frown and look of concern. “Smudged mascara. You were crying a lot.” She touched the smaller girl’s hand cautiously. “You had your locket open.”
Ella’s un-occupied hand instinctively went to the bronze locket around her neck. She tightened her hand around the piece of jewelry and opened her eyes. She clicked the locket opened and looked down at the picture of her birth parents, holding a young version of her in their arms.
“Like you said, my dad was being a dick.” She was referring to the man who adopted her when his wife couldn’t have a kid. But a few years past and suddenly, they were expecting a kid. Ella got tossed to the side while these people who claimed to be her parents only cared for their “miracle baby.”
