forum What do you think of my story?
Started by @galaxyunicorn-is-in-love-with-starry
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@galaxyunicorn-is-in-love-with-starry

In school we’re doing this writing contest, and I chose the short story category (1000-3000 words). We’re also supposed to get other people to edit it. So if you want read it and tell me what you think.
(Warning: it’s long and it ends on a Rick Riordan-worthy cliffhanger

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The Prison of Nightmare

I’ve always had a huge imagination. I often had weird and crazy dreams, but they were only dreams. They were harmless. None of them were real. Right? I had no idea how I was about to be proven wrong.

The school day went pretty smoothly, but it wore me out. After I completed my homework and ate dinner, I plopped on my bed and pulled my long brown hair into a ponytail. The purple ends fell over my shoulders as I opened my book. I read for a few hours before finally falling asleep, as I usually do. By the time I finished my book, it was 10:00, so I figured I should go to sleep.

I should let you know that I was expecting dreams. I always had magical dreams, but I never imagined they were trying to tell me something. I realized later I probably should listen to them, because they might be trying to tell me something momentous. They could be trying to inform me what I needed to do, for the fate of the world.

As I drifted off to sleep, I found myself in a beautiful, huge garden, with trees the size of skyscrapers and flowers as big as baby elephants. In the distance I saw an enormous white palace, with gorgeous stained-glass windows framed with gold. It almost seemed to be calling to me. As I approached, I noticed a girl about my age standing patiently outside the door. Her raven-colored hair was short but flowed like an ocean when the wind blew through it. Her eyes seemed to contain a whole universe. Atop her head lay a silver diadem, and she wore a shimmering silver dress that contrasted against her light brown skin.

“Hello, Emmeline,” she addressed.

How does she know my name? I wondered. It also occurred to me that others rarely addressed me with my full first name. Everyone always called me Emma.

“Who are you?” I asked. “Where am I? And how do you know my name?”

“Do you not recognize this place?” The girl replied. “This is Emmelinia. You created it.”

The name did sound familiar. I recalled creating a world called Emmelinia when I was seven years old. But it was real?

“Yes it is real,” the girl continued, as if reading my mind. “As for who I am, I am Princess Kamaria. But you can call me Kam.”

“And you can call me Emma,” I said.

I wondered why I was here. What did Kam want to tell me?

“You may be wondering why you are here.” This girl definitely had magic mind-reading powers. “I need to warn you. The fate of the world is at stake. I wish I could explain, but it would be easier to show you.”

I didn’t think I wanted to know. I also didn’t want the responsibility of saving the world. I had no idea what was going on, but like it is in my books: always leave the fate of the world in the hands of clueless teenagers.

Kamaria gestured for me to follow her. We walked through the crystal doors of the palace, down long, elegant hallways, until we stopped at a door that was much less elegant and much more mundane. Its wood was undecorated, its hinges rusted, and it did not go with the theme for the rest of the place at all.

“There is not much I can say to prepare you for what is behind this door,” Kam warned, an ominous look in her eyes. “All I can say is it is too much for the average person to handle. But I know you can take it. Though you may not yet realize it, there is something special about you.”

And on that pleasant note, Kam swung open the door.

The room was small, dark, and empty, the only light coming from a flickering bulb on the ceiling. At the wall opposite us was an opening closed off by iron bars. A dark shadow stood behind the bars, dropping the room temperature by about ten degrees.

“What is that?” I pondered, filled with dread.

Kam glanced at her wrist as if checking an imaginary watch. For all I knew, she could’ve been.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “It is almost morning and we are running out of time. Go to the tree in the nearest park. You’ll know which one when you see it. We will discuss more there. Also, bring the boy. We will need him.”

My mind was filled with millions of questions, like how I would know which tree to go to and who this boy was, but before I could ask, the dream faded and I awoke.
Why did it have to be morning? Still half asleep, I prayed that I did not have school so I could find the tree. I dragged myself out of bed and looked at the calendar. It was Saturday. Thank goodness! My parents were still asleep, so I quickly ate breakfast, wrote a note saying where I would be, and set off on my probably fatal adventure.

I basically live next door to the park, so it wasn’t a long walk. I instantly knew what Kamaria had meant when she said I would know which tree. It towered above all the rest and had a sort of regal aura. How I had not noticed that before, I didn’t know. I had been to this park millions of times. But that wasn’t important.
Knelt next to one of the smaller trees, carefully tending to a child, was a boy who looked like a clone of a character in one of my books. He had curly blonde hair and his warm brown eyes were filled with kindness as he healed the child. I got the feeling he was the boy who was supposed to help me on my…quest? That sounded right.

“You’re all better now,” he told the child, who swiftly ran off.

He must have seen me standing there, because he smiled and waved. “Hi!”

“Hi,” I replied. I had no idea how I was going to get him to come with me. I ultimately decided to rip off the Band Aid.

“You’re probably going to think I’m crazy but a princess appeared in my dreams and told me I needed to save the world and I needed to meet her at the tallest tree in this park and to bring you along because you would be able to help,” I blurted,
I could feel my face turning red. I sounded like a lunatic. There was no way he would believe me.

Yet to my surprise, he said, “Oh, Kamaria? She told me to be expecting someone. You must be Emma?”

I nodded. “And you?”

“Liam.”

“Nice to meet you, Liam. Now let’s find Kam.”

Kamaria was already there waiting for us by the time we reached the tree.

“Hello, Emma,” She greeted. “Hello, Liam. Both of you have an important part to play in this. I’ll take you back to Emmelinia so I can explain what you need to do.”

“And…how do we get there?” I asked.

“We all need to touch the tree at the same time.”

Liam and I did as Kam said. The three of us all simultaneously touched the tree and we were encased in a blinding golden light. When I could see again, I was back in the land I had dreamed of: Emmelinia. We followed Kam down the same hallways we had last night until we arrived at that same lovely room. It was even worse in person. The air even colder, the mood even more ominous, the light even dimmer.

“This is the monster that is threatening the world.” Kam cautiously pointed to the dark shadow behind the iron bars at the far end of the room. “This is the Nightmare. Soon it will break free from its prison, to trap the world in an unfathomable nightmare for all eternity.”

“How soon, exactly?” I asked.

“Five days.”

“Wonderful. And what exactly are we supposed to do to stop it?” I looked at the shadow in its prison. I could see horrible visions swirling around in it, visions I would prefer to remove from my memory.

“It’s best not to discuss it here.”

We exited the room and latched the door behind us.

Once we were sure Nightmare couldn’t hear us, Kam continued. “You must find the enchanted dreamcatcher. This journey will be perilous. I will accompany you.”

I still was not sure what to do, so I was glad someone who actually knew what they were doing was coming along.

Kamaria summoned a map from nowhere and laid it on the floor. “This map will show us the way.”

It reminded me a little of the Marauder’s Map from Harry Potter. It showed our names at our current location, and there was a line leading from the palace to the location of the dreamcatcher, showing us the way to go. I knew it couldn’t possibly be that easy. I had enough experience reading about quests to know it was never this easy.

Kam once again read my mind. “This line shows the way, but it will not be as easy as it appears. There will be many dangers.”

“Obviously,” I stated.

“Once we get the dreamcatcher, we need to bring it back to the prison of Nightmare and use it to repel Nightmare back to the depths of the darkness it came from.”

“And if this all needs to be done in five days, we should get going as soon as possible,” Liam decided.

“We leave tonight,” declared Kam.

———

Later that night I snuck out to the tree. (Crazy idea for me.) There waiting for me were Kamaria and Liam. Kam pulled out her map and we studied it more closely. Looking at it again, I realized the location of the dreamcatcher was farther than I had thought. It seemed there was no way we could make it in five days!

“I can teleport us place to place,” Kam informed us, “but I can’t teleport us directly, as long distances drain my energy extra fast. Also, the location of the dreamcatcher is difficult to find.”

Then, without warning, a flash of light engulfed us and we were in a valley. On either side of us was a mountain so tall I could not see the top.

“This is as far as I can teleport us at the moment.” Kam, obviously drained, rested against the side of the mountain on my right.

Liam pointed to the mountain on my left. “Please don’t tell me we have to climb that.”

“No, but it’s inhabitants will notice an invasion and come down to destroy us.”

“WHAT?!” I exclaimed.

“I wouldn’t yell if I were you,” Liam cautioned. “They might hear us.”

As if by cue, a sound like thunder roared down the mountain. A stampede of shadowy, bull-like characters with glowing red eyes violently ran towards us. There were too many of them to fight, and there wasn’t any time to run away. They reached the bottom of the mountain, and I knew it was over. Then I realized I was still alive. Not only was I alive, but I felt even stronger than before. Above my head appeared a two-foot-long opalescent blade. I grabbed the silver hilt and fought back.

I swung my sword through two of them and they evaporated. I stabbed another. I fought until there was only one left. The remaining creature snarled. There was nothing but pure hatred in its eyes. It charged.

Its shadowy hooves trampled me. My strength was gone. I saw it running toward Kamaria, who was exhausted and defenseless. I tried to scream, to warn Kam, but no sound came out.

Then a brilliant golden light appeared in front of the shadow bull and it dissolved into dust. The source of the light: Liam. The light slowly faded and Liam fell to the ground. I could tell that the effort had drained him. I told him to rest, but he decided to be stubborn.

“I- I still have enough energy to heal you.”

He held his hand over me and it glowed faintly. I could feel my strength returning, my bruises healing, my bones mending themselves. Then he collapsed.

I wanted to talk to him about the light thing, but now was not the time. He and Kam needed rest. When Liam healed me, I regained all my energy. I kept watch for a few hours until finally my energy faded away and I fell asleep.

I had no dreams as I slept. I awoke recharged and ready to move on. Not only did I still have my opalescent sword, but I had also somehow received a sheath for it. Kam woke up next, then Liam.

“What was that thing you did last night?” I asked Liam. “With the light?”

“Each one of us on this quest has our own special power,” he answered. “You don’t know yours yet, but mine is healing and protection. I don’t do offense, I can’t use a sword, fighting is not my thing. But when it comes to the people I care about, or even some random person I just met, I don’t let anything harm them. When someone is hurt, I can heal them, like I did to you. It comes in handy with my crazy brother. But sometimes, when a person’s life is at risk, I can summon a burst of light to stop the person from being harmed, like I did with Kam. I only do it in emergencies though, because it takes a lot of energy.”

“Thank you,” Kam spoke softly.

“No problem.”

I tried to argue that it was not “no problem,” and that he collapsed afterward, and the fact that he just told me he could only do it in emergencies because it takes a lot of energy, but he didn’t listen. He was stubborn like that.

———

The next few days similar attacks occurred, and so did similar responses. Kamaria improved at regaining her strength after teleporting, and was able to fight with us. (If you ever have to fight a Kamaria, you should be very afraid.) We managed to defeat each monster that attacked us, but our deadline was approaching. We had until tomorrow to find the dreamcatcher and use it on Nightmare.

Our not Marauder’s Map told us that we were close to the dreamcatcher. We followed it by foot and didn’t run into any danger, except maybe people wondering why there were three dirty teenagers with no adult supervision walking through their town following a magical map.

Finally, on the last day of the quest, we arrived at the supposed location of the dreamcatcher. We were in a grassy field, and in the middle was a large rock. It was quite underwhelming, to be honest. I had expected more, yet this had to be the right place.

“I’m going to miss this experience,” Kam said nostalgically.

“Might I remind you that you almost died?” I mentioned.

“I know, but I had made new friends and had a chance to be myself,” she explained. “In Emmelinia, my dad, the king, always expects me to be all prim and proper and princess-y. I never get to be who I want to be. I would rather be out here risking my life than stuck in that castle, forced to be someone I’m not.”

“We still have the tree,” I reminded her. “And maybe sometime we’ll get to go on another fatal quest together.”

Kamaria seemed satisfied with my response. She knelt before the rock and began to chant in a language I did not understand. The rock began to glow, and a dreamcatcher appeared above it, unlike any I had ever seen. The web was like the sun, the beads like stars, the feathers like moonlight. It radiated peace and tranquility, the exact opposite of Nightmare. The dreamcatcher floated over to me, into my hands. I felt even stronger than when I had fought the shadow bulls. Then the ground began to tremble. The scene changed. The sky was dark red, the field black, and before us was the prison of Nightmare.

The dreamcatcher seemed to be instructing me, telling me what to do. I needed to rid my mind of all darkness and repel Nightmare using the tranquility of the dreamcatcher. I tried to think of happy thoughts: my new friends, books, my family, books. However, the horror of Nightmare was too much. Kam and Liam stood on either side of me, helping me repel the darkness. The dreamcatcher’s goodness overcame Nightmare and enveloped the prison in a golden light. Nightmare was gone. We had won.

I spoke too soon. The golden light backed down. Nightmare reached out its arms and grabbed me. Overcome with fear and hearing the sound of my screaming friends behind me, I was pulled into the darkness.