forum This a start of a "chapter" if you could let me know what you think...

Started February 06, 2018 by @remarkab.le

tune

Clarissa turned the handle to the shower knowing that this would not be as welcoming as she dreams it could be. She listens to the hiss of fresh water spill out of the head, icy water hits her back hard like a brick and she jumps forward, trying to get out of its path. Clair forces herself back into the stream telling herself that she had to get it over with. The droplets trickled down her soaking every part of her body and wetting her hair.
After a moment, the freezing water began to become familiar, although still sending chills down her spine. She relaxed and let it absorb into her skin. Her thoughts take over and automatically she began her shower routine. She thought about how unfair was it that she only got this much time to take a shower? Not enough time to think, not enough time to unwind. So many problems to solve already, and more just keep appearing. Clair thinks about the fight with her mom: "Does she not know how much I wish I could do for her and for my siblings? Obviously not, she thinks I was with some guy."
She groans audibly, "I just didn't want to wake anyone up," she tells no one. Tilting her head back to wash the soap out of her hair, she stared at the ceiling. Her bright blue eyes trailed down then to the wall following the track of some droplets sliding down the wall. She goes over today’s plan quickly in her head before shutting off the water and stepping out of the only personal space she ever gets.
Wrapping the soft white towel around her like she’s seen in old movies, she leaves the bathroom and goes to her shared room. Her bed is on the furthest side of the room, she would’ve had to climb over both her sisters if she didn’t sleep with the chickens last night. She wipes her face, as if she could pull the stress out of her mind. The temperature is quickly climbing as the sun slowly crawls out of its bed behind the mountain.

I want to either have her get dressed and use this opportunity to describe more of her appearance (cause it's only the second chapter) or whatever y'all suggest. If you need to see the first chapter or more info, let me know!

Be careful with tense shifts. She starED (at the ceiling) and the temperature IS rising. Make sure you either stay in the present or in the past. (Don't worry, I have trouble with it too, especially when writing fast). :)

The first problem I see is the change in verb tenses. You go from past tense (turned the handle) to present tense (listens to the hiss). That's hard to overlook and even harder to follow. You also spend a lot of time and use a lot of words for something as commonplace as a cold shower. I think you might want to cut some of the description, and if not that, then definitely some of the extraneous adverbs and adjectives.

The little "wrapping the soft white towel around her like she's seen in old movies" is such an extra sentence. It's so unnecessary. I know this is probably just the first draft so I shouldn't nitpick too hard, but it's just too many sentences like that. Sentences that don't go anywhere or do anything to further the scene. In fact, since she's not pondering anything of importance, this entire scene feels a little burdensome. Not to say that your writing isn't good or anything, because it is. I see the shower scene quite clearly. It's just that I spend so much time reading about a shower that I start to lose interest.

You don't have to cut the scene if you don't want to. It's a risky way to start a book (if this is the beginning scene) and it could use some editing. However, it's not a lost cause. You can definitely chisel it down and make it something worthwhile. Good luck.

I noticed the verb tenses too, I was too lazy to change it last night! Thank you for reminding me, @DanaOsgood and @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime. She is pondering something of importance, and maybe I could lose a few things but I want it to be clear so that's good news. This is the start of the second chapter, it emphasizes how much stress she gives herself and how unfortunate (poor) they are. It's mentioned in chapter one but you aren't told the extremities of it.