forum The Revision Squad
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@4lagoon4 group

Ooo! This looks like a lot of fun. ^^ I revise my stories a lot because I feel they can be told better, but I’d love to hear your thoughts! ♡

I remember a long time ago I used to be tormented by a series of reoccurring nightmares. It all started back in 2005 when a new movie had just been released, War of The Worlds. Now I didn’t know anything about the movie at all because I was 5 years old, and at that time my preoccupation was strictly Barbie Fairytopia, Libby Lu, and all things cute & fluffy. But my mom thought otherwise. I don’t know what came over her, but for whatever reason she took me and my older sister to this movie–where our young impressionable minds bore witness to some of the most horrific scenes of our lives. Now if you don’t know what War of The Worlds is then here’s a quick summary! Basically a divorced dad attempts to connect with his two estranged children as an alien apocalypse comes out of nowhere and brings about the end of the world as we know it. (You know, a movie for kids.💀) But funnily enough, it wasn’t the fear inducing scenes of people getting vaporized into oblivion that scared me. Or watching all their blood get sucked out and used as a source of nourishment for the alien’s crops. No…it was something way SCARIER,and that was the thing that did it..! The alien’s ship

From it’s slow animalistic-like movements to the heart-stopping sound it produced forewarning you of it’s deathly presence; it had me shaken to my very core. You might think “Aww, that’s not so bad” and to that I’d say you’re right.. Because it gets much worse! These things slaughtered so many people at a time that in one scene when they went to attack a cruise ship they literally had the bodies of dead passengers (and I’m talking in the thousands) fill up an entire river. With some even piling on top of each other, aimlessly floating around in every which direction. Just remembering stuff like that and reminding myself that this thing appeared in my dreams petrifies me. There was this one time that I dreamt about one chasing me. I was on a street running home while the ship was closing in on me from behind. Darkness surrounded me at every angle, or, it would have if not for the bright minacious beam that was the ship’s search light shining on my back as it began getting closer. I felt it was just about to grab me until my house suddenly appeared. I ran through the front door as fast as I could, down the hall, and straight into my room slamming the door behind me. I knew the only way I could escape this nightmare was if I hopped in my bed and went to sleep. (Because whenever I did this I’d wake up in real life.) So that's what I did. I hopped in bed and closed my eyes as tight as I could ready for all of this to end, until I opened them again to see that my room was still shrouded in a thick layer of darkness. I'm…still in the nightmare? No, no that can't be right! I'm supposed to be awake now so why isn't it working?! I was mortified as I’d realized my only way of escape failed me. That monster was right on my tail and could be here at any moment! I don't have time for this!! I tried calming myself down and trying again and again but to no avail. That’s when I noticed a bright light appear from underneath my door. It found me! My heart dropped and I instantly gave up hope as I braced myself for what was to come next. But then I started to get mad. I started thinking that by giving up like this it would’ve meant I lost and I’d lost plenty of times to this thing before! But not this time. This is my dream so it’s going to be done MY WAY! So summoning all the strength and courage I had I swung open the door and charged headfirst into the ship, forcefully waking myself up.

Deleted user

I know that I'm not really one to talk about editing… but a couple of things I need to get out of the way)
1: Never use pictures in writing unless it's for a children's story. (I'm not one to talk, but still) Describe the ship with words.
2: No Emojis. (It's immature in storytelling)

With that out of the way, let's get to the nitty gritty.

I remember a long time ago I used to be tormented by a series of reoccurring nightmares. It all started back in 2005 when a new movie had just been released, War of The Worlds. Now I didn’t know anything about the movie at all because I was 5 years old, and at that time my preoccupation was strictly Barbie Fairytopia, Libby Lu, and all things cute & fluffy. But my mom thought otherwise. I don’t know what came over her, but for whatever reason she took me and my older sister to this movie–where our young impressionable minds bore witness to some of the most horrific scenes of our lives. Now if you don’t know what War of The Worlds is then here’s a quick summary! Basically a divorced dad attempts to connect with his two estranged children as an alien apocalypse comes out of nowhere and brings about the end of the world as we know it. (You know, a movie for kids.💀) But funnily enough, it wasn’t the fear inducing scenes of people getting vaporized into oblivion that scared me. Or watching all their blood get sucked out and used as a source of nourishment for the alien’s crops. No…it was something way SCARIER,and that was the thing that did it..! The alien’s ship

Is this a character or not? NAMES. Name the Character who is speaking, or if you're writing in 1st person, have them name themselves.

From it’s slow animalistic-like movements to the heart-stopping sound it produced forewarning you of it’s deathly presence; it had me shaken to my very core.

Animalistic-like is redundant, if I'm remembering correct. Animal-like orAnimalistic. Pick one.

And that's all I really have for you… Sorry if that was nitpicky.

@4lagoon4 group

Ok I see, there are a lot of things I need to work on so I’ll try to do better! I love talking about my experiences, but sometimes I feel like I don’t give the best descriptions. This story is about me and how I used to have nightmares. I wasn’t sure how to describe the alien’s ship so I used a picture. As for the emojis I have no excuse, I just love them 😂

@SpookyScarySnoteleks group

Alright, so I've never actually had anybody beta read any of my fanfics, so when I'm finished with chapter 5, I'll put it in a doc(It's way too long to put in here) and y'all can tell me what you think!

@furetakunai ac_unit

Okay, fair warning, my feedback may sound a bit harsh, so if you don't think you'll be able to handle that, don't read what I have to say.

Ooo! This looks like a lot of fun. ^^ I revise my stories a lot because I feel they can be told better, but I’d love to hear your thoughts! ♡

I remember a long time ago I used to be tormented by a series of reoccurring nightmares. It all started back in 2005 when a new movie had just been released, War of The Worlds. Now I didn’t know anything about the movie at all because I was 5 years old, and at that time my preoccupation was strictly Barbie Fairytopia, Libby Lu, and all things cute & fluffy. But my mom thought otherwise. I don’t know what came over her, but for whatever reason she took me and my older sister to this movie–where our young impressionable minds bore witness to some of the most horrific scenes of our lives. Now if you don’t know what War of The Worlds is then here’s a quick summary!

  • Being 100%, this sounds less like a professional story and more like a personal narrative written for a year 5 English class. Your opening line is definitely not a thing I would find attracting me. In fact, "I remember a long time ago" has around the same effect as "once upon a time". And even the latter is more acclaimed and charming.
  • Ampersands are something not commonly seen in more formal writings, as most people just take to writing out the word 'and'. But that's a choice I'll leave up to you.
  • Your formatting, some of it seems quite unnecessary. Be sure to watch that.
  • Be sure you watch out for places where commas are needed. If you need lessons on those, I'm sure I'd be able to find my notes on commas from my seventh year of schooling.
  • And finally, the last sentence of this section, you sound like a year 3 student writing a book report. In formal writings, rarely ever is the audience directly addressed. Same goes for books. Instead of using that build up, just describe the movie.

Basically a divorced dad attempts to connect with his two estranged children as an alien apocalypse comes out of nowhere and brings about the end of the world as we know it. (You know, a movie for kids.💀) But funnily enough, it wasn’t the fear inducing scenes of people getting vaporized into oblivion that scared me. Or watching all their blood get sucked out and used as a source of nourishment for the alien’s crops. No…it was something way SCARIER,and that was the thing that did it..! The alien’s ship

  • Oh no. Just, there are a lot of things wrong with this section. For starters, "basically". Just no. Nix that.
  • Here we go with the formatting. Again. Don't overuse it. This sounds like you're trying to tell a scary story to a group of children, and sometimes, writing things how you would say it is not the way to go. You'll find that you put formatting on way too many things.
  • Who's we? Not me. They is the way to say it. The story is of the people in the movie.
  • Just, nix the parenthesis and everything in it.
  • The ellipsis is not necessary, a comma would better fit in its place.
  • Just describe the ship instead of using a picture.

From it’s slow animalistic-like movements to the heart-stopping sound it produced forewarning you of it’s deathly presence; it had me shaken to my very core. You might think “Aww, that’s not so bad” and to that I’d say you’re right.. Because it gets much worse!

  • This is literally, "but wait! There's more!" in a story. Please no.

These things slaughtered so many people at a time that in one scene when they went to attack a cruise ship they literally had the bodies of dead passengers (and I’m talking in the thousands) fill up an entire river. With some even piling on top of each other, aimlessly floating around in every which direction. Just remembering stuff like that and reminding myself that this thing appeared in my dreams petrifies me.

  • Slaps roof of alien* these babies can kill so many people- *no. The way you describe their abilities hardly sounds serious. Just how old is this character, 12?

There was this one time that I dreamt about one chasing me. I was on a street running home while the ship was closing in on me from behind. Darkness surrounded me at every angle, or, it would have if not for the bright minacious beam that was the ship’s search light shining on my back as it began getting closer. I felt it was just about to grab me until my house suddenly appeared. I ran through the front door as fast as I could, down the hall, and straight into my room slamming the door behind me. I knew the only way I could escape this nightmare was if I hopped in my bed and went to sleep. (Because whenever I did this I’d wake up in real life.)

  • The way you open this section too. Bland, uninteresting, sounds like a person just casually telling their friends a story as they're walking around a place. This is a not-so-good transition from the description of the movie to the dream.
  • There's really nothing I can say about this part that I haven't already said.

So that's what I did. I hopped in bed and closed my eyes as tight as I could ready for all of this to end, until I opened them again to see that my room was still shrouded in a thick layer of darkness. I'm…still in the nightmare? No, no that can't be right! I'm supposed to be awake now so why isn't it working?! I was mortified as I’d realized my only way of escape failed me. That monster was right on my tail and could be here at any moment! I don't have time for this!!

  • Another thing that I want to bring to your attention. Constant tense switches. From past to present, back and forth.
  • Your overall lack of transitional phrases from thoughts leaves much to be desired. Most people would at least know to put "I thought, he thought, she thought, they thought, etc." after their character thinks something. And I don't even see that here.

I tried calming myself down and trying again and again but to no avail. That’s when I noticed a bright light appear from underneath my door. It found me! My heart dropped and I instantly gave up hope as I braced myself for what was to come next. But then I started to get mad. I started thinking that by giving up like this it would’ve meant I lost and I’d lost plenty of times to this thing before! But not this time. This is my dream so it’s going to be done MY WAY! So summoning all the strength and courage I had I swung open the door and charged headfirst into the ship, forcefully waking myself up.

  • All the formatting and caps-lock is made me tired of reading this. The tense switches again, and all of the other things of said too have come into play here.

Overall, this seems like the love child of a primary school personal narrative and a bad Wattpad story. I hope what I had to say could help you if you did choose to read this. There are likely things I missed in my analysis of this, as I am unfortunately human. But I leave you with this. Best of luck with it all, mate.

@SpookyJim

Alright so it looks like I actually had a good idea :0
But speaking of feedback, I've got some old (and I mean VERY OLD) lit drops for y'all :)

@4lagoon4 group

@yatagarasu

  • Being 100%, this sounds less like a professional story and more like a personal narrative written for a year 5 English class. Your opening line is definitely not a thing I would find attracting me. In fact, "I remember a long time ago" has around the same effect as "once upon a time". And even the latter is more acclaimed and charming.

But that’s exactly what it is: a personal narrative. XD I wanted to talk about the weirdest dreams I had as that was the topic for the discussion. It’s by no means a professional story, but a personal account.

  • Ampersands are something not commonly seen in more formal writings, as most people just take to writing out the word 'and'. But that's a choice I'll leave up to you.
  • Your formatting, some of it seems quite unnecessary. Be sure to watch that.

I like to make emphasis on certain words and texts because I think it’s fun. I do tend to go overboard so I’ll keep check on that! As for ampersands and conjunctions in general, they’re a commonplace for me.

  • Be sure you watch out for places where commas are needed. If you need lessons on those, I'm sure I'd be able to find my notes on commas from my seventh year of schooling.

That’s ok, I’ve got it covered! When in dire need, Google’s there for the deed 😂

  • And finally, the last sentence of this section, you sound like a year 3 student writing a book report. In formal writings, rarely ever is the audience directly addressed. Same goes for books. Instead of using that build up, just describe the movie.

I downgraded from year 5..? 💀

  • Here we go with the formatting. Again. Don't overuse it. This sounds like you're trying to tell a scary story to a group of children, and sometimes, writing things how you would say it is not the way to go. You'll find that you put formatting on way too many things.

You wouldn’t want to read my other stories then. They’re like this but x10

  • Who's we? Not me. They is the way to say it. The story is of the people in the movie.
  • Just, nix the parenthesis and everything in it.
  • The ellipsis is not necessary, a comma would better fit in its place.

Got it!

  • Just describe the ship instead of using a picture.
  • Slaps roof of alien* these babies can kill so many people- *no. The way you describe their abilities hardly sounds serious. Just how old is this character, 12?

I have no clue I was five at the time. But I would appreciate it if you could tell me how to describe their abilities. (That first part LOL)

Overall, this seems like the love child of a primary school personal narrative and a bad Wattpad story. I hope what I had to say could help you if you did choose to read this. There are likely things I missed in my analysis of this, as I am unfortunately human. But I leave you with this. Best of luck with it all, mate.

Ok I understand, even though I was writing it just for fun I do think I could’ve done better with my presentation. Hopefully I’ll do a better job in the future. Thank you for the critique!

Deleted user

@yatagarasu

  • Being 100%, this sounds less like a professional story and more like a personal narrative written for a year 5 English class. Your opening line is definitely not a thing I would find attracting me. In fact, "I remember a long time ago" has around the same effect as "once upon a time". And even the latter is more acclaimed and charming.

But that’s exactly what it is: a personal narrative. XD I wanted to talk about the weirdest dreams I had as that was the topic for the discussion. It’s by no means a professional story, but a personal account.

  • Ampersands are something not commonly seen in more formal writings, as most people just take to writing out the word 'and'. But that's a choice I'll leave up to you.
  • Your formatting, some of it seems quite unnecessary. Be sure to watch that.

I like to make emphasis on certain words and texts because I think it’s fun. I do tend to go overboard so I’ll keep check on that! As for ampersands and conjunctions in general, they’re a commonplace for me.

  • Be sure you watch out for places where commas are needed. If you need lessons on those, I'm sure I'd be able to find my notes on commas from my seventh year of schooling.

That’s ok, I’ve got it covered! When in dire need, Google’s there for the deed 😂

  • And finally, the last sentence of this section, you sound like a year 3 student writing a book report. In formal writings, rarely ever is the audience directly addressed. Same goes for books. Instead of using that build up, just describe the movie.

I downgraded from year 5..? 💀

  • Here we go with the formatting. Again. Don't overuse it. This sounds like you're trying to tell a scary story to a group of children, and sometimes, writing things how you would say it is not the way to go. You'll find that you put formatting on way too many things.

You wouldn’t want to read my other stories then. They’re like this but x10

  • Who's we? Not me. They is the way to say it. The story is of the people in the movie.
  • Just, nix the parenthesis and everything in it.
  • The ellipsis is not necessary, a comma would better fit in its place.

Got it!

  • Just describe the ship instead of using a picture.
  • Slaps roof of alien* these babies can kill so many people- *no. The way you describe their abilities hardly sounds serious. Just how old is this character, 12?

I have no clue I was five at the time. But I would appreciate it if you could tell me how to describe their abilities. (That first part LOL)

Overall, this seems like the love child of a primary school personal narrative and a bad Wattpad story. I hope what I had to say could help you if you did choose to read this. There are likely things I missed in my analysis of this, as I am unfortunately human. But I leave you with this. Best of luck with it all, mate.

Ok I understand, even though I was writing it just for fun I do think I could’ve done better with my presentation. Hopefully I’ll do a better job in the future. Thank you for the critique!

What this sounds like is that you're not taking this seriousness,

@SpookyJim

Here's some writing I did last year, it's probably not that great but I didwin an award for it

I don't have the time to read it fully at the moment but I did skim it over and from what I've seen I'm sure I'm gonna like this :)
I mean you're a great writer so I'm sure it's great

@SpookyJim

I used to write in caps font and it's awful :) :)

It Is The Near Future. Well- For You, At Least. A Plague Has Spread Through The Western Continents Like Wildfire, Corrupting The Brains Of All Who Fall To It. It Is Called The Strain, A Bacterium That Eats Away At The Frontal Lobe And Lives In The Hollow Created, Growing Rapidly Bigger To Fill That Space As A Tangible Creature. Scientists Cannot Cure It Or Kill It, As It Takes Over The Host Corpse And Reanimates It. In A Way, The World Is Undead. Few Survive, And Those That Do Tend To Commit Suicide. Why Live In A World Of Nightmares, Where Your Family Are Living Horrors? Some Persist. Death Is An Easy Way Out, But Why Take The Easy Way Out?

I’ve Always Done Things The Hard Way, Ever Since I Was A Little Kid. I Figure That I Have To Find A Way To Live, Even In This Hellhole. It’s Not So Bad, Really. The Strained Don’t Move Fast Since They Haven’t Evolved Yet, So They’re Easy To Take Out.

The Worst Part Is The Loneliness. Well, I Shouldn’t Say That. But It’s Definitely In The Top Five. There’s Also The Waiting, The Knowing What Lies Ahead But Not Knowing When Or Where Your Former Friends Or Family Might Be Waiting To Try And Rip Your Jaws In Half So The Parasite Can Consume Your Brain. If That’s Not The Worst, Then The Knowledge That You’re Probably The Last Person Left Alive In Your State, Maybe Even Your Country, Takes The Cake.

So I Drift. I Can’t Really Stay In One Place For Long, But Even Then I Wouldn’t Want To. Immobility Just Draws Them Nearer, And They Bring Death With Them. I Can’t Say I Don’t Fear Death. I Mean, All Men Fear Death, But What Scares Me The Most Is What Comes After The Death. The “Rebirth”, As I’ve Heard It Called.

I’m Not Your Average Human. Then Again, The Average Human In This Place Is A Dilapidated, Rotting Husk Of A Man. But More Specifically, I’m Not Human. My Name Isn’t That Important To This Story, So Let’s Just Call Me Arion. I Mean, It Is My Name, But That Doesn’t Matter.

I’ve Been A Genetic Engineer Since I Was Fourteen, So It Should Come As No Surprise That When My Arm Was Blown Off In A Grenade Mishap, I Replaced It. The Synthetic Skin Over My Robotic Arm Functions Just Like Real Skin, But It’s Much Tougher. I’m Acrobatic, But Not Athletic. Your Average Teenager, Pretty Much. By Definition, I'm A "Mutant".

@SpookyJim

I have a lot of random prompts and snips of stories that I never did anything with because my attention span is that of a fruit fly :)

Deleted user

I don't know why the capital letters at the beginning of each word made it so hard for me to read.

I know, right???

@SpookyJim

I don't know why the capital letters at the beginning of each word made it so hard for me to read.

me too dude
I went back and reread this and I think I might have had an aneurysm.