forum tell me what you think of this
Started by @ravens
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@TryToDoItWrite

Hey @"Three Ravens" ! This is out of my normal zone of reading and writing so take everything i say "with a grain of salt" as they say :) This doc is pretty long so i'll do first chap first.

My (true and honest) thoughts as I read the first chapter:
–nice way to introduce superpower with the baking. it felt natural
–cut "lock of". hair is pretty self explanatory
–giant hummingbirds? escaped? wth! how big are they? are they dangerous? could ppl get hurt?
–tangent about why talia likes birds is slightly pointless. get on with the action!
–TMI about her getting ready to go help her friend (in my opinion)
–another tanget, this time about fruit XD
–tanget about thieves
–woah, hi james
–classic: girl likes boy, boy is clueless (warning: cliche, proceed with caution. you used the whole, "but i like him in a different way" line and it's too…unnatural. only extremely shallow people like other ppl for looks only. normal people enjoy people with brains and kindness etc. They like them for it. it's okay that other people could see james for the nice person he is, not just nora.)
–i like this dialog, it feels natural and easy. protip: give less of her internal dialog while she's talking to another character. it's like talking with three characters instead of two lol. let the readers know what she's thinking by subtle actions she does, tone of voice, and what she says. (in essence, show it, don't tell it)
–unicorns. nice
–woah tragic backstory here we come
–tanget about library books?
–aaaand it ends with an awkward silence

This has a lot to do with my personal style as an writer, but i'd try to keep every "tanget" your character's thoughts go on to a minimum. You end up taking the reader out of the action and leaving them just a bit confused. You end up explaining your POV character's thoughts more than I deemed neccesary. Even though you are technically inside your character's head, you don't want your character to spend to much time just…thinking. You leave the reader wondering what they are doing, what is happening and where they are. It detaches them. Generally, writers don't want that. Personally, my style goes for full immersion, where the action should play out like a movie inside the reader's head. That doesn't mean I leave out character's thoughts, though. I write in first person so that all my characters thoughts go straight into the narrative, no italics, no "she thought this…" which allows the immersion better. A great example of balancing character thought and action is Lockwood and Co by Jonathan Stroud!! It's written in first person too and i take a lot of style points away from it all the time. I'm pretty sure i've already recommended it to you lol….moving on.

World building wise, you've got a lot of explaining to do (and im not done reading yet i'll leave it at that)

Character wise, you have a clear physical picture of both nora and james, but i'd like a better personal, mental, emotional picture. (again, not done reading so we'll see how the character delv. goes!)

Grammar wise, it was mostly nice! (which is saying something, grammar is hard) The only time i was distracted by it was with all the internal dialog came a wave of italics that was weird to the eye. I try to use italics sparingly so that when i do use one it packs a punch

And I'm done with chapter one!! I don't have bunches of time so i'll try to do chapter two later! I'm curious to see how giant the giant hummingbirds really are…
Keep it up and keep writing!

@ravens

Thanks! This helped a lot. I've actually requested Lockwood and Co at the library. Hopefully they'll be there soon! I put how big the hummingbirds are in there, if that helps. I'll try to fix the italics thing, but I have this loooooooong list of books to read, so I won't be writing as much as I have been, but we'll see.

@ravens

I'm in the middle of two series. I'd rather read TMI, but I'm farther into The Selection, so I'm going to finish that series first

@TryToDoItWrite

'Ere we go! Chapter the second.
Immediate thoughts:
–that first bit dialog is along the lines of the things I hear during the school day from young high schoolers especially
–I did not peg James as shy
–Shy then cursing?
–Wait no! Giant hummingbirds! Don't go to the library, as cute as James may be.
–More bantering dialog

Okay! I've only got a couple things to say, mostly because the chapter was so short. One: As a reader, I want a stronger sense of personality from James from the very beginning. In this chap he's painted as shy, nerdy and cute. But my first impression of him was the kind of guy that was liked by all the girls and got flirted with a bunch and was more outgoing? Idk tho. sometimes it takes a while to get to know someone, same with the reader and the character.

Secondly, I as much as I love some banter, I need more action. It was lots of dialog and all they did that whole chapter was drive to the library. I think that has a lot to do with my preferred genre of reading (fantasy/sci-fi action) and my least fav. genre of reading (romance). There's a bunch of style differences in those types of novels—including pacing. I prefer the fast paced action of a sci-fi novel, but your style in this story is different. …i guess i'll have to get over it lol

anyways, british accent good show, good show.
Keep it up and keep writing :)

@ravens

–Wait no! Giant hummingbirds! Don't go to the library, as cute as James may be.

but it's the library