forum Story Snippet?

Started January 26, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

So I'm writing a scene between three characters. I feel like it's an important one, because it's the first scene that the main characters smiles after her family got kidnapped.

Backstory: Main character's (Alex) family got kidnapped by an alien organization. Alex paired up with two other aliens with a goal to destroy the organization for personal and political reasons.

"You both speak English, but you don't know what dancing is?" Alex asked, dumbfounded. Polar shrugged, his crystal blue eyes still fixed on the single tree out in the distance.

"I've heard the word, but it didn't seem like anything important, so I never bothered to look into it," he explained. Aria didn't say anything. Alex frowned. They had to know what dancing was… she just had to explain it.

"You know what music is, right?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, so dancing is when you're listening to a song, and you move your body to the music.," she explained, trying her best to keep it simple. A confused look crossed Aria's face.

"Wait, you mean humans find joy in moving themselves toward musical sounds?" She asked. Alex tried her hardest not to show annoyance toward Aria.

"No no no, not toward it. You move or sway your body in a way that seems to match the sound of the music."

"So you make noises by moving your body?" Polar asked, slightly curious. "How does that work?"

So Alexandria's attempts at explaining with words were futile. She'd just have to try another way. So she stood, faced Polar, and held out her hand.

"Polar, would you like to dance with me?" His eyes widened, and his gaze met hers for a moment before he looked away. She noticed a bit of redness in his cheeks.

"I thought dancing is an… intimate thing? And I don't even know how to do it. And I have claws, what if I accidentally scratch you? And…" He paused and looked up, expecting Alex to have withdrawn her hand. "I thought you didn't trust me."

Alex paused for a second. He was right. They had only been traveling together for two weeks, and they far away from her home. He could still imprison her, kill her, or torture her. Nobody but him and Aria would ever know what happened to her. They could make her disappear, just like that.

But Alex probably wouldn't survive for very long if she was going to battle an extremely powerful army with very little training, so it didn't matter anyway, did it? And besides, she really wanted to dance again.

"I trust you," She said.

Hesitantly, Polar placed his clawed hand in hers, and allowed himself to be pulled up by Alex. They stood together for a few seconds, before smiling slightly at each other, and finally beginning their dancing lessons.

Okay, so this is really good! Just a couple things:

1. Polar is supposed to be Alex's captor? Or did I get that wrong? If he is, I feel like his attitude towards Alex is a bit too nice and warm. And the thing about scratching her with his claws seems too considerate. I'd phrase it differently, more as a statement "I'd scratch you with my claws."
2. "I thought dancing was an…intimate thing?"
3. The "I thought you didn't trust me" sounds much too hopeful and nice. I'd, again, make it more of a statement "You don't trust me." Or, "And you don't trust me" or maybe "Plus" or "Also you don't trust me."
4. "They had only been travelling together for two weeks, and they far away from her home." Did you mean they were far away from her home?
5. I feel like she gives her trust too easily, even with her reasoning. I'd have her say "I don't," and then take his hand or have her shrug or say "Nope," or "Not really," or dismiss it in some way, maybe saying "So?" and perhaps even saying that she wants to dance. "So? I want to dance."
6. "They stood together for a few seconds, before smiling at each other, and finally beginning their dance lessons." Also I feel that the "smiling at each other" thing is a bit much. I'd just have one smile at the other, maybe Alex could quirk and eyebrow or something.

This is a great scene and I love your characters! (Well okay, I didn't really get a feel for Aria but I like Polar and Alex). I hope this helped, and good luck with your story!

@alice o'mally thank you very much for the advice! Yes, technically Polar and Aria are her captors, so maybe two weeks is a little too soon for her to trust them. However, there was no malicious intent behind capturing her. In fact, Aria and Polar are trying to protect her. It takes Alex a little while to fully understand that.

And to explain why Polar is nervous and kind around Alex: nearly all of his friends were killed by the same people that kidnapped Alex's family. He wants revenge, but he also wants somebody to lean on.

@RileyRaiven that does explain some things, but I still feel like Polar seems to care a bit too much. I'm not saying make him indifferent, or cruel, just tone it down a smidge. (And yes, I did just use 'smidge' as a unit of measurement :P). Anyways, other than that everything seems great! Lovely characters and writing! Best of luck with the rest of your story. :)

Alright, I'll keep that in mind while writing. Thanks for the advice!

You're welcome!