forum Someone please critique the following....
Started by @SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group
tune

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@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

“Today we are going to play full-court basketball, but first, your daily exercises.” She said. The class took to the walls, and did their stretches. One of Jason’s friends, Brandon Singer, took lead of the stretches that day. Brandon, like Jason, wore dark clothing. His dark brown hair looked black under the fluorescent lighting, and he was tall for his age.
“Left!” Brandon’s deep voice bellowed. Everyone started to swing their left leg as Brandon counted to twenty.
“Caterpillar, pushups, and situps.” Everyone took to the floor and stood bent over to touch the floor. Jason had recommended that they do their push ups while doing the caterpillar at the same time to Brandon, allowing him to take credit for the idea. They would do a pushup before going back to their bent over position.
“Alright, five minutes of running!” Misses Hert bellowed out. There was a collective groan from the students, yet they hobbled along into a jog. Misses Hert decided to join them during the five minutes of running. “Cry babies!” She yelled. Jason was running next to one of his friends, Addrea Toney, who he was attempting to touch. They both detested their gym class, and had come up with a way to make it somewhat enjoyable for them. They would play tag during the running time. Addrea had brown hair, and was shorter than Jason. She wore a white t-shirt and blue shorts. They decided to give themselves a rest from their running game, and slowed to a walk. Misses Hert passed them three times during their walk.
“Flayme, Toney, kick it in gear!” Misses Hert yelled. Addrea started to protest, but Misses Hert wouldn’t hear it.
“We might as well jog, so that she don’t yell at us again.” Jason suggested. Addrea thought this over and accepted. They both went into a light jog. Other people passed them, but Brandon decided to join them.
“How ya guys doing?” He asked.
“Alright, I guess.” Addrea responded.
“We’d be better off if Misses Nag would lay off of us.” Jason said. This had become a name for Misses Hert when she either wasn’t paying attention to them or nowhere around them. Misses Hert blew her whistle, and then everyone lined up against a wall. There were thirty students in that hour, so Misses Hert decided to evenly split them for sports games. Jason hated playing basketball and anything that wasn’t dodgeball or poison ball. He was great at those games, for he would trust his instincts and quickly move out of the balls’ way. He usually wound up being one of the last few still in the game if they were playing dodgeball.
“Sammy Wintergreen and Mary Mackay are the team leaders.” Misses Hert said. A boy and a girl walked out onto the gym floor in front of the rest of their classmates. The boy, Sammy, was muscular and one of the jocks. His blue eyes shined brightly against his tanned skin. Mary had hair that she had dyed dark red. She was a foot shorter than Jason was, whom stands at a height of six feet, seven inches.
“Misses Hert.” Sammy called out.
“Jessie McMair.” Mary said. Jessie had shoulder length dark blonde curly hair that tended to hang in her eyes.
“Jack.” This was the very same Jack that had been friends with Jason back in elementary. His hair is shorter than it was in the past, and he had started to wear fashionable clothing. In fact, he would help set the latest trends. He was on all the sports teams, and was lusted after by not only the girls, but some of the guys as well. He was one of the ‘popular kids’.
“Jane.” Jane, Jack’s twin, was the object of many a guy’s dreams, but was furiously watched over by her brother. As a result, the guys were scared to ask her out. Jack had his own, unspoken list of those that he’d let date her, and if they were to do anything to hurt her, there’d be hell to pay. Jack had become a bully to Jason. He’d call Jason a loser, fire starter, psycho, pyro, jailbait, and a slew of other things. Jack would also tell Jason that he’d never be good at anything, that he was stupid, and that he’d never have a girlfriend. All of these deeply angered Jason, but not as much as how gym class ever would.
“Katie.” Sammy called. Katie had long blonde hair, and beautiful brown eyes. She was one of the ‘in between kids’. The in between kids were those that had just enough friends to be between the losers and the populars. This was where Jason and most of his friends fit at on the social food chain of school life.
“Jessie Newkirk.” Mary said. A girl wearing jeans and a laced top over a blue shirt walked over. There were just four more people to choose from. Jason, Addrea, Brandon, and Alex McMair. Alex was a part of the so called ‘geek squad’ of the school. He had a kind soul, and loved anything that was otherworldly. Science fiction and fantasy were his expertise. He could often be found reading about supernatural beings, or even drawing them. His light hair fell over his eyes, and he wore an orange shirt with blue shorts and neon green shoes.
“Brandon.” Mary called after thinking it over for a while.
“Alex.” Sammy said. This left Jason and Addrea as the last two to be picked from. Unless they were the team leader, they’d usually end up being the last ones chosen for a team.
“Here we go again, Addie.” Jason said.
“Yeah. Remember, just care about your grades, nothing else.” Addrea told him. Jason nodded. They had preferred being on the same team, and would act like one during dodgeball, poison ball, or when they were in the weight room.
“Addrea.” Mary said after struggling with trying to decide. She wanted to go with what she knew, for she was one of the more competitive students in that class. While she knew that Jason was tall, and would be great for passing the ball, she also knew that Addrea would be able to weave through the other players unnoticed. This would allow Addrea to get to the hoop and score baskets. Jason knew immediately which team that he was on; Sammy’s.
The game began, and Jason had tried to get the ball in his possession several times. The other players on his team ignored him, even when he was completely open for a pass and basket. There were some on his team that would try to get him more involved in the game, but other players would get in the way.
“Jason, get your butt movin’! Play the game!” Misses Hert would occasionally blurt out.
“I am!” Jason would blurt back. This always happened when Misses Hert had them play a sports game. Jason started to get angry, and as the game progressed, he got even more angry. Misses Hert had repeated her ‘play the game’ mantra five times by then. Jason’s anger rose, and the basket ball burst.
“What the hell?” Jack said.
“What did you just say?” Misses Hert asked him as she went to grab a replacement ball.
“Nothing!” Jack said.
“Good, watch the language!” Misses Hert said as the game resumed.
After ten minutes of the usual, Jason gave up on trying to get the ball, and went to sit against one of the walls.
“Jason, what are you doing? Get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert said. Jason refused, and just stayed sitting where he was. He had placed himself next to one of the doors that led outside. The air coming through felt good against his hot skin.
“Jason, get out here and play the game!” Misses Hert repeated. This, along with other things, made Jason’s temper rise. He was angry with those that wouldn’t let him play the games. He was angry that Misses Hert wouldn’t listen to him. He was angry that despite the fact that he was passing the class, Misses Hert acted like he was failing. Some of the overhead fluorescent lights flickered, but nobody payed that any attention, for they would occasionally do that. As Jason’s anger rose, the replacement ball burst open.

Deleted user

Am I sensing a hint of magic or superpowers? I like it. You've got something really good going here and I'm interested to find out what happens next. As for critique, I only have two things. One, introduce your characters and two, show don't tell.

I love the personalities of your characters, the varying personalities and relatable demeanour, however, I don't think you've introduced them well enough. I would never recommend that you start by saying "The people in this story are . . . This person has this specific personality, and wears these clothes, and does these things. This other character is like this." and so on. Instead, I'd recommend you more establish who is going to be in the story by starting with something like: "Mrs. Hert yelled at us from the basketball court 'Today we are going to play full-court basketball, but first, your daily exercises.' Nobody liked her, she was mean, hot-headed, and pushing, even for a gym teacher. The class took to the walls and did their stretches. Brandon Singer lead the rest of the students in stretches that day. "Left" He bellowed."
See, it's important for you to establish who I'm going to be taking this journey with, but you don't have to tell me everything about them right away. Let me get to know the character gradually. I don't need to know everything right away, but I do need to know who the characters are.

Show me, don't tell me. It seems to be a popular phrase among writers, but it really is so important. I appreciate everything that you're telling me here, especially details about the characters, the only problem is that you're not following that rule. When you tell me that Brandon is tall for his age, don't. Show me. Does his head sit above everyone else's? Does he speed across the court because of his long legs? Are other students avoiding him because his height makes him look intimidating? Things like that let me know the details you want me to know, while still painting the picture of what you want me to see. Does Jessie's shoulder length, dark blonde, curly hair that tends to hang in her eyes fly back revealing her [colour] eyes? Does fall in front of her as she slouches over to Mary? Despite her hair getting in her eyes does she play a mean game?

Keep writing, good luck, and have a lovely rest of your day.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Ok…. I do appreciate the advice, however it is an excerpt from the story…. You said that your interested in reading more of this. Would you be willing to be a beta-reader for it? If so I gotta inform you that this is only the first draft.

@Tiani

I agree that some more indirect characterisation would be great and maybe taking out some of the unnecessary vocabulary like early on you say something like his deep voice bellowed, you can take out the deep voice part as bellowed already suggests that he has a deep voice. Other than that well done, this is amazing. If you continue to write at this standard, I think this will be something really special :)

Deleted user

Both. I agree with what Tiani said and if you would like me to/think it would help, I would be glad to read more of it.

@Tiani

I'd also quite like to see where this story is going so I could be a beta-reader if you'd like me to. I'd be happy to offer up any advice or critiques I have.