forum Some Stories!

Started January 18, 2021 by @heeey-bitchhhhhhhhhhh

tune

If you can ignore the fact that they're all k-pop since I am horrible at making my own OCs, here are some weird things I wrote!

@LittleBear, here it is! Slight context: Based off of events in October, 2020, written with idols replacing those in it due to a lack of OCs and desire to write fiction.

The school bell rings, signaling the end of the final class of the day. All that's left is the thirty minute study hall given to the entire school. Seeing as I don't have anything left to do, I just head off to where I'm supposed to, my stuff in my arms. As I walk down the halls, I find Jungkook standing there, waiting for me, as per usual. I start a small conversation with him like any other day before we go our separate ways.

Upon walking into my classroom, I sit in my seat and open my laptop. With nothing else to do, I might as well talk to Jungkook online and work on a project of mine if I can figure out what to make it about. It's basically what I do in this free period instead of schoolwork since I never have any to do. Besides, the school doesn't seem to mind, so I might as well. It's either that or I sleep, anyway.

Aside from messaging Jungkook and trying to work on a project, I'm also chatting on another forum on the site where I'm talking to Jungkook. I hate talking face-to-face, but talking to people who understand me online is just fine. Online is where a lot of my friends are from, anyway. I'm not really active on the forum anymore, but Jungkook's on there, so I might as well talk to him there, too.

Then I notice how Jungkook keeps replying to that forum but not our messages. This confuses me. Is he ignoring me? Is he finding them more important than me? I hate the thought of those possibilities, but it's sadly seeming like he might actually be ignoring me, his boyfriend, for random people online.

I start to feel anger and annoyance consume me. I try to shrug the thoughts off, trying to find a reasonable explanation, but I can't. I would drown out my thoughts with music, but my earbuds are broken and all of the music is blocked anyway. Of course it's like this when I need it… I guess I'll just have to endure this and hopefully not let this get the better of me.

As time goes on, I'm not sure why I keep refreshing. I know that Jungkook keeps replying to that forum but not to me, so why do I keep refreshing in hopes that he will message me back? All I'm doing is fueling my anger from seeing the amount of replies going into the forum and how many are from Jungkook.

Near the end of the day, I simply give up on this. I groan in frustration and shut my laptop. My anger towards Jungkook for presumably ignoring me and my jealousy towards all of the people who he was putting attention towards this entire time is becoming too much for me to handle. I need to calm down before I snap, but the bell rings in two minutes. Once it rings, I will be with Jungkook, and if I'm not calm, I could make some horrible decisions.

I try everything to calm myself down in two minutes. Oh, how I wish that music was accessible at a time like this. I guess this school just wants me to suffer, and honestly, I'm not surprised. I mean, from blocking my original form of communication with Jungkook to blocking one of my main coping mechanisms when people are annoying me or I'm angry or stressed, it seems like my happiness shouldn't be a thing around here. This is why I hate this place so much.

Suddenly, while I'm lost in thought about how to calm down and also why I hate school sometimes, the bell rings. I grab my stuff and walk out of the classroom, huffing in annoyance and anger as I walk out. I basically storm off towards my locker, ignoring Jungkook as I go straight to it. I act like I didn't see him, my anger only increasing at the sight of him.

He walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. He seem to be concerned since I just ignored him and seem generally angry. Little does he know that the reason behind my anger is actually him and everyone else on that stupid little forum that took his attention for so long that he couldn't reply to me.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, the concern evident in his voice.

Beyond angry at this point, I just drop all of my stuff onto the ground, not even looking at him.

"What's wrong?" he asks, only sounding more concerned.

The dropping of my stuff helped calm me a bit, so I actually look at him and reply. "Nothing." I was lying as I said that, of course, but I didn't want to upset him.

A small conversation starts, and I admit what is making me so angry. Surprisingly, Jungkook doesn't seem too upset. He just apologizes and tries to explain. Then we walk past our favorite teacher and say hi to him. After that, I go back to ranting, and then I come off as really angry towards Jungkook.

"Fine… I'll just cut myself, then…! I deserve it…!" he mutters while I'm still in earshot.

Realizing how badly I just messed up, I grab his sleeve, trying to apologize. "Jungkook…!! No…!!! Don't! I'm sorry!!"

I can't tell if he muttered anything or just ignored me, but he gets out of my grip and walks away. I feel hot tears of anger and worry filling my eyes as I walk towards my bus. I tell myself not to cry, for showing these emotions around people wouldn't be good. I manage to hold them back and immediately turn my phone on, grabbing my headphones out and putting them on, playing music immediately. Oh, how I wish that my school laptop worked with wireless headphones.

The rest of the bus ride home is spent being mad at myself, regretting what I had done. Jungkook messages me a lot, and he tries to take the blame for everything, but I don't let him. I know that it's my fault for getting mad at him for such a stupid misunderstanding. Besides, I don't want him to hate himself more for this incident. I was the one in the wrong the entire time, so the blame deserves to be on me. I'll be just fine in the end. I'd just hate myself more if I let him take the blame, anyway.

I soon get off of my bus. I just keep my conversations with Jungkook up, and he leaves here and there, which slightly concerns me, but things are fine. Things end up being worked out and the rest of the day flies by. Then things get bad at night, and I end up being really worried about him. Being basically locked away in my bedroom, I let my emotions out, and after an hour of on and off crying, just wanting to be able to sleep, Jungkook tells me to try and sleep. After a couple of minutes of lying there and worrying about him, I fall asleep.

I wake up to my alarm the next morning just to turn it off and fall asleep for about another hour. My alarm is set in advance for that reason. It gives me time to check things online and then sleep. Besides, if I just don't want to be awake, I know that I can sleep for a bit longer. In this case, I'm just not in the mood to be awake. Sure, I start my fall break after this school day, but with so much on my mind, I just don't want to be awake anymore.

After being forced to get up and get ready for school, I try to push any thoughts about Jungkook out so I don't begin to worry. I still worry when I don't receive any messages from him when he'd usually message me. What if he wasn't going to be at school? What if he wasn't okay? What if he needed me but I couldn't be there because of the current problems in the world and school? I hated thinking like that, but it's where my mind was.

I worry about him the entire way to school, nervously thinking about him and his health, just hoping that I'll see him. I arrive at school after a while and I don't see him there. I sigh and take my school supplies out of my backpack and also grab my drawstring bag. While brought to carry my personal items to and from school, it also has my performance clothes, so carrying it around isn't too suspicious. I carry it to my homeroom and sit in my seat.

Almost immediately, I grab my phone and turn my headphones back on. I'm so worried and music might be my only option if I don't want to lose my mind. Good thing I just so happen to have a comfort playlist. I put it on and start quietly singing along, trying to calm myself down. Luckily, none of my classmates notice and I just listen to it until the bell rings.

Upon the bell ringing, I stand up, though my legs feel shaky. Why do I have to be such a worried mess sometimes? Nonetheless, I walk out of the classroom, only turning up the volume of my music in the hallways. Why deal with reality when I have my favorite escape from it? I mean, the day hasn't officially started, so I can use my phone.

I enter my first period classroom and sit at my seat. With so many people quarantined, there are only three other people in the class. I love a small class where I have an entire row of seats to myself. I just continue listening to my music until the bell rings. Even after, I keep my phone on in case I can use it. Luckily, the teacher lets us use our phones. I just listen to my favorite songs, quietly jamming out while trying to calm down, and I pull out my personal laptop to work on some stuff.

By the time the bell rings, I'm fully calmed down. I walk out of the classroom and head towards my locker to put my stuff away and grab my P.E. stuff. With so many people gone, P.E. has actually been fun recently and not just boring and sometimes annoying. The class period flies by and it's soon over. I walk back to my locker, put my P.E. stuff away, grab everything else, including my drawstring bag, and head to the music room.

After sitting in my seat, I open my laptop. To my surprise, Jungkook has messaged me. I message back, asking if he's okay, and I nervously wait for a response. Soon enough, he reveals that he just overslept and that he's at school. I sigh in relief, glad to know that he's okay and not potentially dying or something like that.

The class flies by since all we did was watch a movie and I spent the time on my laptop anyway. I walk out of the classroom and wait for Jungkook. As soon as I find him, I start talking to him and basically hug him. We talk until he reaches his classroom, just like any other day, and I head off to my own fourth period class, looking forward to lunch since I'll see Jungkook again once I'm there.

Fourth period flies by since, like in third period, we just watched a movie. I rush to my locker and put my stuff away, wanting to get food and talk to Jungkook for as long as I can. In the lunch line, I apologize for yesterday's events after he shows me what he did to himself. I feel so bad. Then we get lunch and find a place to sit and talk happily for most of the lunch period.

All is going well and then the assistant principal shows up and talks to him about stuff. I just sigh and put my headphones on. I'm not going to get into a conversation that I have no part in, even if I already know about some of the issues seeing as Jungkook is my boyfriend. After the assistant principal leaves, he hugs me and I stop listening to music. We talk for the rest of lunch, and then he walks me back to my locker before we head to our classes on opposite sides of the school.

Fifth and sixth period fly by with no issue. I run into Jungkook before sixth, as usual, and we talk for a bit before he goes to his class and I walk into the classroom that we were standing outside. After seventh period, or our final period, things get weird. While walking back to my homeroom, I don't see Jungkook waiting for me. I just shrug this off and assume that he already went to class. Then I continue on my way and wait for the school day to end so we can finally be on fall break.

About thirty minutes later, the final bell rings, and I head to my locker. I don't see Jungkook waiting for me there, though. I start to get worried about him, but I pack up anyway and leave the school. I'm still worried as I walk onto my bus, but I don't really show the worry to anyone. I just do what I normally do and listen to music.

While on the bus, I message Jungkook, asking if he's okay. I don't get a response on Discord, where we normally talk outside of school, but he does text me. The message is concerning and I begin to worry. He's being sent away? Why? What happened? Is it because of yesterday? Why am I such an idiot to allow myself to do something like that to him? Now he's gone and it's my fault…

I will put my thoughts in sections with grey like this. Also, for intext edits I'll use []. Also, I tend to be a bit blunt, but it is all to make you a better writer.
Here are my thoughts upfront. It's a strong start, but there are some things that do need fixing. Namely, the use of the present tense doesn't really work well with the flow of the story. Past tense would be a stronger choice. Also, a lot of the dialogue that would pull the reader in - just isn't there. It's skipped over entirely, that's what the reader wants, not just a list of what happened. So this is called "Show don't tell." I want you to emerse me into the situation as if I am living it seeing it as if it were my own memories. When you think of events, you remember sights, smells, feelings (emotional and physical) not just who was where. And lastly, have faith in your readers, really readers only need to be told something once or twice. Every word should have a place, no extra pages/ paragraphs (words and sentences really) should be spent telling us what we already know. But keep at it, every writer need to start somewhere. Also, as I've written in my critique, threatening self harm is a textbook example of trying to be manipulative in an emotionally abusive relationship. Don't let anyone do that to you. Get them help from an adult that you trust.

The school bell rings, signaling the end of the final class of the day. All that's left is the [thirty-minute] study hall given to the entire school. Seeing as I don't have anything left to do, I just head off to where I'm supposed to, my stuff in my arms. As I walk down the halls, I find Jungkook standing there, waiting for me, as per usual. I start a small conversation with him like any other day before we go our separate ways.

So initially this feels like a laundry list of actions. There is no motivation behind anything/ feeling so it falls flat. Also, the tense you chose is a little awkward. Past tense would be a much better fit here, in present tense it feels like a "choose your own adventure book."

Upon walking into my classroom, I sit in my seat and open my laptop. [With nothing else to do, I might as well talk to Jungkook online and work on a project of mine if I can figure out what to make it about. ] It's basically what I do in this free period instead of schoolwork since I never have any[thing] to do. Besides, the school doesn't seem to mind, so I might as well. It's either that or I sleep, anyway.

The sentence with [] is hard to read. If I have to go back to re-read something so that it makes sense, the sentence needs to be re-written. Otherwise, it takes your reader out of the world you're trying to build. You have already said "you have nothing to do, might as well, basically, boredom several times - do it like once or twice. Anything more is beating your audience over the head with it. We get it, this is a normal day and nothing is interesting.

{Aside from messaging Jungkook and trying to work on a project, I'm also chatting on another forum on the site where I'm talking to Jungkook. ] I hate talking face-to-face, but talking to people who understand me online is just fine. Online is where a lot of my friends are from, anyway. I'm not really active on the forum anymore, but Jungkook's on there, so I might as well talk to him there, too.

"Might as well", again, we get it, nothing is exciting you right now. [Confusing sentence again.]

Then I notice how Jungkook keeps replying to that forum but not our messages. This confuses me. Is he ignoring me? Is he finding them more important than me? I hate the thought of those possibilities, but it's sadly seeming like he might actually be ignoring me, his boyfriend, for random people online.

Tense makes this an odd read. Also, would this make you sad and resigned, or angry? For the sake of the story, sad makes me think that the character is just going to take the situation and complain about it. It makes for a more interesting read if the character gets angry and does something about it.

I start to feel anger and annoyance consume me. I try to shrug the thoughts off, trying to find a reasonable explanation, but I can't. I would drown out my thoughts with music, but my earbuds are broken and all of the music is blocked anyway. Of course it's like this when I need it… I guess I'll just have to endure this and hopefully not let this get the better of me.

There we go. But don't use passive voice. Anger should be a fresh emotion. Don't tell me you're angry, show me. "I started to feel hot under the collar, How dare he I thought." Same emotion, but now I never said angry. Also, it works better if the character tries to use the music but then something goes wrong. The earphones break in his hands or he pushes the play button and discovers that his phone is broken - now he's even angrier.

As time goes on, I'm not sure why I keep refreshing. I know that Jungkook keeps replying to that forum but not to me, so why do I keep refreshing in hopes that he will message me back? [ All I'm doing is fueling my anger from seeing the amount of replies going into the forum and how many are from Jungkook.]

[] Awkward sentence.

Near the end of the day, I simply give up on this. I groan in frustration and shut my laptop. My anger towards Jungkook for presumably ignoring me and my jealousy towards all of the people who he was putting attention towards this entire time is becoming too much for me to handle. I need to calm down before I snap, but the bell rings in two minutes. Once it rings, I will be with Jungkook, and if I'm not calm, I could make some horrible decisions.

Again, show don't tell. It would be so much more compelling if you write down what all this frustration is doing to the character. They can still tell themselves to calm down and think of the repercussions, but have them fail. Stories are about drama and growth. If everything is fine, there is nothing to pull in the audience.

I try everything to calm myself down in two minutes. Oh, how I wish that music was accessible at a time like this. I guess this school just wants me to suffer, and honestly, I'm not surprised. I mean, from blocking my original form of communication with Jungkook to blocking one of my main coping mechanisms when people are annoying me or I'm angry or stressed, it seems like my happiness shouldn't be a thing around here. This is why I hate this place so much.

Show don't tell. This is just a laundry list of events. Yeah they all make the situation suckier, but I don't feel any attachment to them.

Suddenly, while I'm lost in thought about how to calm down and also why I hate school [sometimes], the bell rings. I grab my stuff and walk out of the classroom, huffing in annoyance and anger as I walk out. I basically storm off towards my locker, ignoring Jungkook as I go straight to it. I act like I didn't see him, my anger only increasing at the sight of him.

You just told me why the school sucks, don't say "sometimes" it lessens the impact. Same thing with "basically", it's better if you do storm off.

He walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. He seem to be concerned [since I just ignored him and seem generally angry.] Little does he know that the reason behind my anger is actually him and everyone else on that stupid little forum that took his attention for so long that he couldn't reply to me.

We just saw you do that, you don't need to rehash it. You really only need the first sentence of the paragraph.

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, the concern evident in his voice.

Yup, definitely delete the previous paragraph except for the first sentence. As a rule, I try not to use the same word twice in a three-sentence group, you've used concerned twice very closely. Your audience will have an okay memory, you don't need to remind them.

Beyond angry at this point, I just drop all of my stuff onto the ground, not even looking at him.

"What's wrong?" he asks, only sounding more concerned.

There is it again, "concerned"

The dropping [off] my stuff helped calm me a bit, so I actually look at him and reply. "Nothing." I was lying as I said that, of course, but I didn't want to upset him.

Show don't tell, we know the character is lying.

A small conversation starts, and I admit what is making me so angry. Surprisingly, Jungkook doesn't seem too upset. He just apologizes and tries to explain. Then we walk past our favorite teacher and say hi to him. After that, I go back to ranting, and then I come off as really angry towards Jungkook.

I want to know what the conversation is, don't just leave it out to get to the juicy bit, we need the build-up.

"Fine… I'll just cut myself, then…! I deserve it…!" he mutters while I'm still in earshot.

Okay, so this does happen in real life. But as an adult, I feel like I have to tell you that this behavior is a tell-tale signal of an abusive relationship. If anyone says this to you as a way to make you feel guilty or to punish you in some way, that person is being manipulative and does not have your best interests at heart. The best thing to do in this situation is tell an adult that you trust and get that person help. It is not your job to heal them.

Realizing how badly I just messed up, I grab his sleeve, trying to apologize. "Jungkook…!! No…!!! Don't! I'm sorry!!"

In a writing standpoint, don't use double punctuation. One exclamation point is enough. ["Jungkook!" I gasped, "I'm sorry! Please don't!"]

I can't tell if he muttered anything or just ignored me, but he gets out of my grip and walks away. I feel hot tears of anger and worry filling my eyes as I walk towards my bus. I tell myself not to cry, [for] showing these emotions around people wouldn't be good. I manage to hold them back and immediately turn my phone on, grabbing my headphones out and putting them on, playing music immediately. Oh, how I wish that my school laptop worked with wireless headphones.

If you wouldn't use "for" when talking to someone in a casual conversation, don't use it when writing in a contemporary setting. Also, for the sake of continuity, remember that the headphones are broken.

The rest of the bus ride home is spent being mad at myself, regretting what I had done. Jungkook messages me a lot, and he tries to take the blame for everything, but I don't let him. I know that it's my fault for getting mad at him for such a stupid misunderstanding. Besides, I don't want him to hate himself more for this incident. I was the one in the wrong the entire time, so the blame deserves to be on me. I'll be just fine in the end. I'd just hate myself more if I let him take the blame, anyway.

In real life, this train of thought is worrying. Healthy relationships are more than just accepting blame. There needs to be support for one another and understanding/ owning up to mistakes - different from accepting blame. But if your intention is to depict an abusive relationship, it's accurate.

I soon get off of my bus. I just keep my conversations with Jungkook up, and he leaves here and there, which slightly concerns me, but things are fine. Things end up being worked out and the rest of the day flies by. Then things get bad at night, and I end up being really worried about him. Being basically locked away in my bedroom, I let my emotions out, and after an hour of on and off crying, just wanting to be able to sleep, Jungkook tells me to try and sleep. After a couple of minutes of lying there and worrying about him, I fall asleep.

So the progression of events is fine, but again, the reader wants dialogue and conflict resolution.

I wake up to my alarm the next morning just to turn it off and fall asleep for about another hour. My alarm is set in advance for that reason. It gives me time to check things online and then sleep. Besides, if I just don't want to be awake, I know that I can sleep for a bit longer. In this case, I'm just not in the mood to be awake. Sure, I start my fall break after this school day, but with so much on my mind, I just don't want to be awake anymore.

This paragraph could be condensed down to: "When my alarm clock goes off the next morning, blearily, I slam on the snooze button and put waking up off for another hour."

After being forced to get up and get ready for school, I try to push any thoughts about Jungkook out so I don't begin to worry. I still worry when I don't receive any messages from him when he'd usually message me. What if he wasn't going to be at school? What if he wasn't okay? What if he needed me but I couldn't be there because of the current problems in the world and school? I hated thinking like that, but it's where my mind was.

Are you worried or not. Don't change your mind so quickly from one sentence to the other, there needs to be a progression.

I worry about him the entire way to school, nervously thinking about him and his health, just hoping that I'll see him. I arrive at school after a while and I don't see him there. I sigh and take my school supplies out of my backpack and also grab my drawstring bag. While brought to carry my personal items to and from school, it also has my performance clothes, so carrying it around isn't too suspicious. I carry it to my homeroom and sit in my seat.

Why is bringing a drawstring bag to school suspicious?

Almost immediately, I grab my phone and turn my headphones back on. I'm so worried and music might be my only option if I don't want to lose my mind. Good thing I just so happen to have a comfort playlist. I put it on and start quietly singing along, trying to calm myself down. Luckily, none of my classmates notice and I just listen to it until the bell rings.

Upon the bell ringing, I stand up, though my legs feel shaky. Why do I have to be such a worried mess sometimes? Nonetheless, I walk out of the classroom, only turning up the volume of my music in the hallways. Why deal with reality when I have my favorite escape from it? I mean, the day hasn't officially started, so I can use my phone.

At its core, what does this paragraph do for the story? If it doesn't add anything, cut it.

I enter my first period classroom and sit at my seat. With so many people quarantined, there are only three other people in the class. I love a small class where I have an entire row of seats to myself. I just continue listening to my music until the bell rings. Even after, I keep my phone on in case I can use it. Luckily, the teacher lets us use our phones. I just listen to my favorite songs, quietly jamming out while trying to calm down, and I pull out my personal laptop to work on some stuff.

By the time the bell rings, I'm fully calmed down. I walk out of the classroom and head towards my locker to put my stuff away and grab my P.E. stuff. With so many people gone, P.E. has actually been fun recently and not just boring and sometimes annoying. The class period flies by and it's soon over. I walk back to my locker, put my P.E. stuff away, grab everything else, including my drawstring bag, and head to the music room.

Show don't tell.

After sitting in my seat, I open my laptop. To my surprise, Jungkook has messaged me. I message back, asking if he's okay, and I nervously wait for a response. Soon enough, he reveals that he just overslept and that he's at school. I sigh in relief, glad to know that he's okay and not potentially dying or something like that.

Show don't tell

The class flies by since all we did was watch a movie and I spent the time on my laptop anyway. I walk out of the classroom and wait for Jungkook. As soon as I find him, I start talking to him and basically hug him. We talk until he reaches his classroom, just like any other day, and I head off to my own fourth period class, looking forward to lunch since I'll see Jungkook again once I'm there.

Do you hug him or not. This is not an action that can be basically done.

Fourth period flies by since, like in third period, we just watched a movie. I rush to my locker and put my stuff away, wanting to get food and talk to Jungkook for as long as I can. In the lunch line, I apologize for yesterday's events after he shows me what he did to himself. I feel so bad. Then we get lunch and find a place to sit and talk happily for most of the lunch period.

Your tenses are getting mixed up, I would stick to one (past tense, since it flows better)

All is going well and then the assistant principal shows up and talks to him about stuff. I just sigh and put my headphones on. I'm not going to get into a conversation that I have no part in, even if I already know about some of the issues seeing as Jungkook is my boyfriend. After the assistant principal leaves, he hugs me and I stop listening to music. We talk for the rest of lunch, and then he walks me back to my locker before we head to our classes on opposite sides of the school.

What is the value added? If it is important, show me.

Fifth and sixth period fly by with no issue. I run into Jungkook before sixth, as usual, and we talk for a bit before he goes to his class and I walk into the classroom that we were standing outside. After seventh period, or our final period, things get weird. While walking back to my homeroom, I don't see Jungkook waiting for me. I just shrug this off and assume that he already went to class. Then I continue on my way and wait for the school day to end so we can finally be on fall break.

The past several paragraphs could be summed up as "most of the day passes without issue, but when last period comes, things start to fall apart."

About thirty minutes later, the final bell rings, and I head to my locker. I don't see Jungkook waiting for me there, though. I start to get worried about him, but I pack up anyway and leave the school. I'm still worried as I walk onto my bus, but I don't really show the worry to anyone. I just do what I normally do and listen to music.

Show don't tell.

While on the bus, I message Jungkook, asking if he's okay. I don't get a response on Discord, where we normally talk outside of school, but he does text me. The message is concerning and I begin to worry. He's being sent away? Why? What happened? Is it because of yesterday? Why am I such an idiot to allow myself to do something like that to him? Now he's gone and it's my fault…

Show don't tell. Draw this out, this is the climax of the story, don't throw away what you've been building towards.

I did write this while emotional and needing something to prevent me from crying another day. I was both incredibly worried and incredibly angry with myself. This was also meant to be a one shot that ended up longer than intended, so that explains some lack of detail. Others are more detailed due to emotion. It was just a rewrite of my life rather than an actual fanfic. I have another story that is actually with OCs, but not much better and like twice as long. Not based off of my emotions, this time! Thanks, though! I appreciate this!