forum So I Wrote this Mini Story Right Now... (Story Critique; Please Critique)
Started by @IconicUsername
tune

people_alt 3 followers

@IconicUsername

"You should sleep."

The blankets shifted as Andromeda sat up, squinting at the window with sleepy eyes despite never having successfully fallen asleep. "I was going to," she complained, but there was no umph in her voice and she just sounded tired.

"Why aren't you then?"

She rolled her eyes and threaded her fingers through her black curls. A raven-haired boy sat in the open window, one of his legs propped up on the sill and the other hanging out inside the room. He was clothed in a simple black shirt and black jeans but in the darkness of the night, practically blended in with the shadows. He wasn't even looking at her, he was looking out the window.

"I would be sleeping if you didn't interrupt me falling asleep," she remarked sourly, lying back down. She turned on her side so she could face the boy in the window, blinking sleepily. "What are you doing here?"

The boy turned his head, a smooth fluid motion that resulted in the tilt of his head towards her. She marveled at the movements. She could see his cool gray eyes. "Wanted to visit my favorite damsel in distress," he said, a smile in his voice but not on his face.

"That's such an inaccurate statement, Zero," she huffed. "You're obviously the damsel in distress." Zero then smiled at her and swung his other leg down from the window sill, so he was completely facing her while he sat.

"Obviously," he repeated, in a mocking tone. Andromeda had to smile too, at that. "Missed me, Andy?" he murmured, his eyes flickering over her face. She felt warm all of a sudden.

"Eh, I had Luci, I lived," Andromeda replied nonchalantly, oblivious to the way Zero bristled at her answer. "Where have you been? Did you miss me?"

He relaxed his tense shoulders and stared at her with an endearing gaze. "Terribly…"

Too tired to notice the way he gazed at her and the longing in his voice, she just grinned sleepily and tried to keep her eyes open. "Where'd you go? You keep disappearing."

"I'm doing mission stuff," he sighed, looking away. He sounded disappointed, the only thing Andromeda had picked up all night. As a result, she had no idea why and her grin drooped a little. "I'll tell you when it's declassified," he continued.

"And when's that?" she pushed, yawning afterward. Zero pulled his legs up to his stomach and just shrugged.

"Not in our lifetime."

Andromeda had the unfortunate need to blink, and when she opened her eyes again, Zero was gone and the window was closed. She voiced her disappointment through a quiet grunt and rolled over to glance at the alarm clock on her bedside table. Two hours had passed. She didn't blink, she'd fallen asleep.

Something about Zero did that to her. Put her at ease. It must be his serene nature. The comfort of his presence despite the silence. He was softspoken, invisible almost sometimes, but his smiles were rare and magnificent and warmed her from the inside out. It was a shame she didn't get to see him often. And she fell asleep quietly thinking about him, and woke up still thinking about it.

barabara

I really like it! I can honestly find no critiques I'm just really curios to see where the story goes. Sorry if this was unhelpful. Happy writing!

KJ McFarland

Oh my gosh! This has to be one of the best examples of dialogue I've ever read in something that isn't a published novel. You do such a fantastic job of not making it the monotonous he said, she said trap that most new authors fall into. I love it! I would love to read more!