forum Snippet from my story

Started August 31, 2018 by @NobleWolf

tune

A small excerpt from my story. Let me know what you guys think of it

“Zephyr? What’s wrong?”
“N-Nothing. It’s nothing.”
“Are you sure? You don’t look well. If you’re feeling sick, I could get you some-”
“I’m fine, I swear! I just…need some air. I’m going to forage for a bit.”
“…Alright then. Be careful, and don’t stay out too late. Lord Cyrus has ordered a curfew. He doesn’t want anyone out after dark. Y’know, because of those bandits that’ve been running around lately. They’re a sly bunch, very skilled in concealment. They’ll probably see you before you see them.”
And you’d know all about that, wouldn’t you, Beryl? The words had almost left Zephyr’s mouth before he stopped himself. Instead, he gave a tiny nod, promising to keep an eye out before turning away.
He couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t tell her that he knew. That the reason he looked so shaken was because he had seen her…with one of them.

So for anyone curious, the conversation is between these two:

And the "one of them" in question is this guy:

(NOTE: I am NOT done with these characters' profiles. Some will look a bit empty, and they're all WIP. What I'd like is not a character critique, but an opinion on the text above. The links are just for reference. Thank you.
SECOND NOTE: As a reviewer rightly pointed out, there is no action going on here, only dialogue. That was my intent. The idea is for me to see if these words alone are enough to interest you or not. So…are you interested? ;) )

OMG, I WENT TO A ROLEPLAY CAMP AND MY NAME WAS ZEPHYR!

Well, one of the things I could say is that the writing is interesting. I like it. The thing is, is that its dialogue. With dialogue, you need to add expressions.
"Zephyr? What's wrong?" Beryl asked, concern filling her voice.
"N-Nothing. It's nothing." Zephyr stammered in reply.
"Are you sure? You don't look well." Beryl paused, studying him. "If you want, I could get you some-"
"I'm fine, I swear!" Zephyr exclaimed hurriedly, shaking his head. "I just…need some air. I'm going to forage for a bit."
Beryl stared at Zephyr in confusion. "…Alright then. Be careful, and don't stay out too late. Lord Cyrus has ordered a curfew. He doesn't want anyone out after dark. Y'know, because of those bandits that have been running around lately. They're a sly bunch, very skilled in concealment. They'll probably see you before you see them." Beryl explained.

What I'm getting at is that your dialogue needs context. That's just an example. I don't know how you imagined Beryl and Zephyr feeling here.
Another thing you want to add is actions, to make your characters seem less like talking heads. Even small things, like head shaking or studying something or someone. Of course, it could be a bigger action, like digging their paw through the dirt because they're nervous, and so on.

Otherwise, this is really great. I love that I could really feel what was going on, and that it didn't feel rushed. That's a big thing. I've read a lot of unpublished stuff where everything is just happening too fast, and its hard to read. But this is great! I love your story.

Hope this helped! :)

Thanks for the feedback, @Fyrebird ! You probably won't believe me, but the lack of action was intentional. I tried the same thing on my sister, with only the characters talking and nothing else, so she could try to guess what's going on. I have this unfortunate habit of writing too much exposition and not enough dialogue, so I thought I would try a dialogue only bit.

@NobleWolf
Okay, cool. Just don't forget to add it in later!

Pretty good, even though it's just a snippet and I don't have a lot to go on. Seems like an interesting story. I do agree you should maybe throw a little bit more in to indicate action and tone, but not too much, otherwise it can disrupt the flow of dialogue. I assume that's why you went straight dialogue in the first place- to smooth things out. But also on the stuttering, "N-nothing" is 100% acceptable for someone who's slightly tripping over their words because they're nervous- just not for someone who consistently stutters, if you get what I mean. Just from personal experience, that's kind of how I talk when I get nervous, but the stutter is usually at the beginning of sentences, especially with vowels.