forum Short story critique?

Started April 28, 2020 by @bonjourhumans

tune

I'd really appreciate if someone could read through this story and give me some critiques to flesh it out a bit. Thanks!

Hey, so I've been going through your work… I hope it's okay that I've been leaving comments?

Well, I promised myself that I wouldn't write another critique anytime soon, but here we go…

So, I have mixed feelings about this…
Your first line? Amazing. The word choice? Marvellous. The premise? Fairly interesting.
But…
I think I can divide your story in two parts (part 1 being what happens before your narrator first talk to the girl, and part 2 everything after), and they have completely opposite problems.

Part 1:
Ok, so the main issue here are the incredibly long physical descriptions. I don't know if this is supposed to be a short story or the first chapter of a book, but it's generally agreed upon that one of the worst ways a story is by describing the appearance of a character, and I think your text is a prime example of why that is true.
Remember that I said that your first line captured my attention immediately? Well, about halfway through your description of god I was already completely disperse, and while it's true that I have the attention span of a 3 year old toddler after drinking way too much apple juice, I think you are the one to blame here. No one opens a story expecting to read pages of unnecessary descriptions of how Death's hair falls flawlessly to the middle of her back, because it's simply not interesting or relevant to the communication, and by spending almost two entire pages on this overly detailed account of your character's appearance, you basically guarantee that your readers will get bored. It's not badly written, it's just tedious.
This doesn't mean that a more descriptive prose is inherently bad or a sign of poor writing; in fact, this narrative style can be used to convey emotions in a really unique manner. Margaret Atwood's "The Handmaids Tale", one of my favourite books of all time, uses detailed and excessive descriptions to put the readers inside the main character's head. Offred is a bored and desperate woman, who is constantly searching for even the slightest sense of normality or control she can find in the senseless dystopia her life has turned to. It fits the setting, it fits the tone and it fits the character, but Atwood still only uses this technique when it's beneficial to the story. She doesn't waste her time describing every person the MC encounters on the street, because this wouldn't help to create the sensation of imprisonment and repetition that is so characteristic of the book, but she writes an entire paragraph where Offred describes the feeling of the coarse shell of an egg on her fingertips.
Long and detailed descriptions, are valid; as long as they add something to the message you are trying to convey with your writing. Which takes us to…

Part 2:
While part 1 is too slow and too descriptive, part 2 is too fast and doesn't have enough description. It's not bad, it's just that sometimes things can feel a little flat, and even confusing, because you don't spend enough time in the scenes. Also, the tone of this part feels completely different from the one you seem to establish in the beginning? I guess this is common in the first few drafts, so I suggest you read the whole thing again and decide the tone you believe best fits your narrative. The writing style is different too, and it kinda seems like they were written by two different people? I guess you didn't write this in one sitting, so take some time to make it consistent. Also, your periods are too short and make your text feel a bit superficial and lacking in emotion.

Overall, it's an okay text that doesn't need much to become a good, or even great, text, so I think that's a good thing? I honestly believe that if you change the beginning, all the other problems that I mentioned will diminish instantly. Instead of focusing on your character's appearance, focus on their emotions so your audience can truly care about them.
Also, you need to take who your narrator is into consideration when setting the tone of your writing. Part 2 gave me the impression they are a kid, which doesn't fit the more mature style you used in the first 2 pages at all. If that is the case, you either change it entirely or consider writing your story in third person, and if they aren't a kid, make the second part seem more adult. Their character's voice HAS to fit their character. There is no way around it.

Anyway, these are just suggestions, so don't feel obliged to follow any of them.

Well, I hope this was helpful… And good luck with your story! You can hit me up if you ever want me to help with something!

@Coffee, that works!

And @clairecantsleephelp, thank you so much! I did write it in two sittings (well, two different days) and I really appreciate it. I do have a problem with description, so I'll get that fixes ASAP. Again, thank you!