forum Short scene critique??
Started by @amber_is_in_a_loop
tune

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@amber_is_in_a_loop

CONTEXT: This is near the end of the book. Lili has been trapped in the Underworld though she is still alive and established a telepathic link with this girl, Isabella, so she could do what needed to be done from above. They became great friends. Now Lili has been captured by the ruler who obviously does not want to let her leave. This is just after she's been captured, she thinks she and everyone else will truly die and everything was for nothing.

Lili sat on the bed, her breath coming out in sharp, uneven gasps. She tugged at the blue satin, delicate beading falling apart in the wake of her trembling fingers. She couldn’t think straight, couldn’t comprehend what was happening: she was completely and utterly helpless. There was nothing she could do except- except maybe the one thing.
She stumbled to the center of the room and performed the now familiar ritual. Closing her eyes, the trance fell…
Isabella was at the station, walking away from her father. She immediately felt Lili’s presence in her mind. “Wait a sec, Lil.”
She sprinted out of the building to her car and locked herself in it.
“Okay. Where are you guys?” Only as she was waiting for an answer did she receive Lili’s emotions. “Oh, hon, what’s wrong? What's happened?”
Back in the castle, Lili fell to her knees with the effort of keeping up the link through her panic and without any support from someone else.
“They got us, Izzy. Please, tell me it’s ready. Tell me you’ve got everything.”
“That bloody woman,” Isabella proclaimed, running a hand through her blonde hair. “Don’t fear, lovely. I set it all up this morning. It’s ready. You’ll make it here without a problem.” She felt Lili’s heart sink with relief.
Lili let out a quiet sob. “Oh, thank god. Izzy, I can’t thank you enough. I’m sorry for our rough start, you’ve been such a help.”
Isabella did her best to send a wave of reassuring thoughts to Lili’s aid. “Anytime. Listen, I want you to send me a letter when you’re with us. Isn’t it time we met each other?”
At her end, Lili smiled. “Of course. I’ll be at the wedding, how about that?”
Isabella laughed. “Sounds splendid.” She paused
Lili felt it first. She pressed a hand to her temple, trying to ignore the sudden ache.”I think this place is really starting to take its toll on me.”
Isabella opened her mouth to answer but was interrupted by an identical ache. “Headache?” she said softly.
Lili froze. “You too?”
“Uh huh,” Izzy gasped through the increasing pain.
“That’s not normal. It’s never done this before.”
Isabella let out a shriek. “Oh my god, Lili, are you okay on your end?”
“I- I'm fine. Izzy. I am so so sorry, I think Persephone must have latched on to the link. Break it, Iz, now. Break it!”
But Isabella couldn’t hear her. The agony coursing through her was too strong. She threw open the door to her car and fell onto the concrete, screaming and thrashing. Blood dripped down her temples as her soft fingers dug into the flesh of her head, pain and nightmares and memories snowballing in her conscience.
Lili could only sit, screaming, forced to feel as the sweet girl who’d only ever helped was mentally tortured to madness, and quickly after though not quick enough, death. She just heard the crowd gathering before Isabella’s presence faded from her mind.
The raw scream echoing through the halls was Persephone's signal: she was finally ready for questioning.

DestinGay

Wow… That's not bad. I feel like I should make some comment on how you should improve it. But I can't think of anything. The wedding part is slightly confusing but if it's the end of a story the readers would know. Good work! Also, remember to take a cooling down period and relax after your hard work! You deserve it!