forum Send and I'll critique.

Started February 19, 2018 by Lydia

tune

If you need something critiqued, I'm here. I'd be willing to help you with ANYTHING. Just send it and I'll help. All I ask is to give me time to help. I will be honest, but kind about it.

My computer is being dumb so I cant send a link right now, but here it goes!

“Do you still have your blindfold on?"

His voice remained steady despite his shaking hands that worked at his bonds behind me.

“Yeah.”

“Promise me you won’t take it off.”

The hands stopped.

“Wh..Why?”

I can't tell him

“Aria, please.”

God, I hated to do this to him.

It's better than the alternative

I can't tell him. His sunken eyes were tortured enough. The image of Grey lying there would be forever ingrained in my mind, I wouldn't be the one to let it mar his. Caspian had loved his little sister more than I knew possible. I can't tell him. He can't see this.
He shouldn’t have ever seen her hands, her perfect, glorious, pianist hands that had once danced across the ivory keys mangled and broken. The once delicate curve of her chest now crushed and caved in. Her shoulder torn into. The beautiful red smile that belonged on her lips that had slid down to lie cruelly on her pale throat.
He shouldn't have ever seen the empty look in her eyes or her face speckled with blood. But he did. I held back tears as the ropes fell from his hands. I didn't have to turn to know when he took off his blindfold.
He whispered her name.
Three times he called her.
“Grey-oh god no. Please no! God, not Grey! Please anyone but her!”
By now he was screaming.
His face began to turn purple as he continued to cry out, tears of anguish poured down his cheeks as he mourned. He dropped to his knees by her side as he continued to sob. Caspian reached his shaking hand out to touch her face. Why didn't I stop him?
His hand dropped from her face and he gently stroked her broken fingers. He continued to shake but as he turned to face me I could see his mourning had turned to fury. His angel eyes now belonged to a monster.
“Come on, Aria. We’re getting out of this hell hole.”
Caspian removed the small pocket knife he kept in his boot. Against my will, I found myself shying away from his touch. I cursed myself silently. What was I doing? Even in this madness, he would never hurt me…right? He cut through the remaining ropes silently. After staring at the blade in his hand for a few moments he threw it across the room in anger.
“I will make them pay”
He threw a heated look my direction and limped out the door. Even as I followed him into the brightly lit hallway I knew my best friend had died along with his sister.

Any feedback helps, thanks!

Oh my goodness! This made my heart break, even though I don't know the characters.

Just a grammar tip, if they person that is talking does an action before or after the dialogue, then it does not need to be on a new line. The last sentence needs a comma after hallway. Line 6 of your story: stuttering is shown by a hyphen, not an ellipses. I love the description used on Grey's dead body. I know that sounds weird, but I think that it is needed to really twist the hearts of the readers. I love your story so much, even though this is only one scene. I wish you luck on the rest!

(Inspired by Marina and the Diamonds’ The Outsiders) *Deceit: “Hey!” Emma took her earbuds out. Was she just imagining it? No, across the cafeteria, one of the popular kids, Tammy Everheard, was waving frantically

at her? “Yeah, you! Come sit with us!”
Emma blinked, and shook her head. She bet they mistook her for Scarlett-it was hard to make out identical twins after all. “No thanks.”
“Aw c’mon Scarlett!” There it was. No one ever wanted to sit with Emma, only Scarlett. Whatever.
“It’s Emma.” She shouted back, drumming ragged nails on the tabletop.
“Emma?” Tammy yelled, “You’re not Scarlett?”
“Yeah. I’m her sister.”
“Stop yelling, Ems.” Scarlett slid beside Emma, chewing on an apple. “You’re starting to attract some attention.” She smirked.
“And you’re not?’ Emma smiled and jabbed a finger behind her. “Looks like your fellow popular girls are mad.” Scarlett shrugged, ignoring the outraged looks from her clique behind her.
Emma laughed. “That’s one way to get their attention.” Scarlett smiled and tossed the half-eaten apple into the trash. The red-headed twins winced as the bell rung above them. The cafeteria quickly became thick with a crowd of sounds and bodies.
“So study hall next, right?” Scarlett asked, joined hand in hand with Emma. Emma nodded. “Off to tutor the next group of kids?”
“What?’
“Y’know, the kids who need help with grades? I bet they’re all falling into your lap now.” Scarlett smiled. Emma didn’t, instead frowning at her twin. She tugged Scarlett through pauses in the crowd, before finally marching down a corridor. Emma let go of Scarlett and turned around, facing her twin.
“I don’t tutor anyone.” Incredulity slid into her voice.
Scarlett looked down, avoiding Emma’s eyes. She reached into her pocket. She pulled out a fidget cube and started rubbing her thumb against one side. “Why don’t you?”
“Um, because I don’t want to, nor should?”
“But-but you have some of the best grades I’ve ever seen, does-does no one ask you?” Scarlett spun the little circle on the cube faster. Emma’s brows furrowed.
“No, because people don’t notice me.” Emma said slowly. Was someone spreading rumors that she was tutoring? No, because Scarlett never believed rumors. Why did her twin think that she did, then?
Scarlett’s face fell. She looked to the side, deep in thought. Emma crossed her arms. Her twin always took longer to figure out a difficult problem. It was okay; Emma knew she always solved it in the end.
“Could I-“ Scarlett whispered. She turned to Emma once again, and Emma was shocked at the tears brimming in her twin’s eyes, “Could I be your first student?”
“Scarlett why are you crying?”
“Because you’re so smart! And I don’t know how people don’t see that!”

(Inspired by Owl City’s Fireflies) Orange & Firefly: Fireflies scattered across the field in the girl’s wake, so many that they almost blotted out the stars above. She stopped and lifting her hand up, snatched a crowd of them.
“The lines are beginning to blur,” Andrea began, holding a crowd of fireflies in her hands, “between dreams and realities, and I fear what will happen when they combine.” Cole was lying in the grass, almost asleep, before jerking up. Embers seemed to glow against her dark skin, before she opened her hands and released the captive bugs.
Rubbing his eyes, Cole yawned. “Whaddya say Ree?” Cole opened his eyes to see his best friend holding a swarming mass of light in her hands. “What-are those fireflies?”
“Yeah. It’s pretty fun to hold them.” Andrea opened her hands, letting the group escape. “Now watch.”
Andrea shot across the field, as Cole sat up. She jumped once, and her red dress flared, seemed to hold her against the orange sunset like a drop of blood. Then she fell, with one hand full of fireflies. She jumped again, and caught another crowd of fireflies in her other hand. Walking back to Cole, Andrea smiled.
Cole started laughing. “That-that was absolutely amazing!” Andrea let out a little chuckle. “But what happened to your back?”
Time froze as Andrea blinked. Once, opening her hands and releasing the fireflies. Twice. She reached behind her, sliding a trembling finger down the laceration before stopping. It was happening: a merging of two different worlds. The words were cyanide sliding her throat, “I-I’m not sure. Can, can you describe what it looks like?”
Cole pushed himself from the ground and swayed, before stepping behind her. He blushed and fidgeted a bit; the red dress was backless. Then he stared in shock. He expected something like this to happen in one of Andrea’s shows, like the one with two ghost hunters and an angel, but never in real life.
“Andrea, why do you have huge cuts glowing gold on your back?”
Andrea fidgeted from his inquiry. “Well, did you listen to me earlier?” Her best friend’s silence was answer enough.
She sighed, “I’m an alien from another world, and this world’s dreams are colliding with our world’s dreams and um, my siblings and I are now taking the brunt of it. That’s why I uh-“ She gestured to the cuts, “have these.”
“Oh. Um…”
Andrea rolled her eyes, “Don’t be like that.” She yanked Cole’s arm. He fell face first into the lawn.
“Really?” He said, spitting out grass. Andrea chuckled and flopped down on the grass beside him. Orange-gold blinking lights filled the air around the two, and the world seemed a little closer to the heavens, if only for a moment.

@luna I am so sorry I'm getting back to you so late. I just got back from a trip from London. The wifi was really expensive there and the cafés had too many people. I am soooo incredibly sorry. Both of the stories look FANTASTIC. I haven't had the time to go through and thoroughly. I will make sure to do it this next week. I just wanted you to know that I am not ignoring you!

Those both look AMAZING!! I read them over and over again, but so I could soak it all in. And, that is not a bad thing, just to be clear.

#1- I love the twins. You can really see their personalities coming out. I really love Emma. Is this the opening scene? If it is, I think that it's perfect. I couldn't see any grammatical errors. I think you are good to go. I can't wait to see this become a book (if that is what you want)

#2- This one is so incredible. I LOVE the song that it is based off of. I was really excited to read it. So, I thought that everything was really clear and to the point, and I really like that. There were not any grammatical errors, also, that I could see. Can't wait for it to become a book (again, if that is what you want.

I am REAAAALLY sorry that I got back to you so late. I really hope that you can forgive me!! Hope that I could help!!

Nah nah, you're fine! Thank you soooo much :) These are both scenes to work out my chapters right now. I'm still trying to work out my book ideas, but these scenes will definitely be part of it :)