forum Rogues of War opening

Started June 21, 2020 by @Reblod flag

tune

Just the first few paragraphs of the first chapter. Feel free to critique or just read

He was drifting. Darkness surrounded him like cocoon, warm but suffocating. Where am I? Who am I? The thoughts ricocheted in his mind and for a while that was all there was. But then there was light. A distant light that sent a wave of chills across his body. It should have been comforting. It was logical. And yet, he felt nothing but dread. And then, all at once, an inferno burst forth. Raging fire that clawed at the darkness. It licked at his skin and pain shot through his bones like ice shards. Frost gathered where the flames had touched him and spread rapidly up his arms and legs. The warm air turned frigid, his breath a white cloud in front of him. His heart stuttered and just as he felt himself going numb a name echoed through the air.
Kado.
Recognition pushed him to open his eyes. That’s who I am. The frost seemed to melt and the blood returned to his limbs. Kado held out a hand as a speck of grey fluttered into his palm. Ash. It was falling all around him. He looked up and found himself staring into two giant blood-red eyes. Alarm caused his muscles to tense. They seemed to see right through him. They knew him. In a way he could never know himself. And then they were gone, replaced by flashes of green light in a dark sky. It was lightning arcing through the heavy air. Kado looked around himself. He was in a field. From the brief flashes he could see that it was barren and endless. Lifeless. Kado sunk to his knees as the lightning struck the ground around him. A familiar, high-pitched whining sound filled his mind and he clutched his head in his hands.
Kado…

He woke up. It was still dark but the early light of dawn cast his room in a grey hue. Kado lifted his duvet to his chin. The chill of late spring air had embedded itself into the stone foundations of the mansion and Kado regretted forgetting to close his windows before falling asleep. The dream, or rather nightmare, was rapidly fading from his mind and he let it. He was far too preoccupied with the fact that, eventually, he would have to brave the cold and get out of bed.
Kado sighed and sat up. It was weird. He didn’t really dream and had nightmares even less.

I think this is a really strong opening. I like the imagery that you use and the writing really helps set a tone for the scene and grip the reader. However, I feel like sometimes the writing might be a bit long winded. For example, the phrase "A familiar, high-pitched whining sound" felt a bit redundant. Whining is usually implied to be high pitched, so adding that descriptor is unnecessary. "A familiar whining sound" or even cutting it shorter with a synonym like "A familiar shrill" is more efficient. Cutting down on unneeded words will help reading go more smoothly. Also, it's a bit of a cliche for your story to start with a character waking up from a dream and something many readers don't like. This is usually because readers are upset when they're hooked with an exciting opening only for it to be a dream and because they find the main character going through their daily routine boring, and it's also pretty overdone. That doesn't mean these openings can't be executed well, but you should consider how important this dream is to the rest of the story, if you can start the story at a different place, and how much you like the opening. Overall, I think it's well written and sets up an interesting beginning but has a few minor flaws. Good luck with your writing!

Thanks for the feedback!

I completely agree with the redundancy there. That's kind of a bad habit of mine so thanks for pointing it out! Hopefully, I'll be able to pick up on that in the future

I'm pretty set on the dream opening. It's super cliche but it's been planned for a long time and is relevant to the story. But since you mentioned it, hopefully I'll be able to get into some worldbuilding early on to keep things interesting.

I really appreciate it!