forum Review my character introduction
Started by @@Wanheda
tune

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@@Wanheda

Eden shakes slightly in her cramped hiding space. Her legs were starting to hurt and the pain in her chest was growing. She wants to cry, she wants to whimper, she wants to scream and run out into the openness of her sister’s bedroom. She wasn’t allowed to have her own. Everything she had was Ruby’s first. Her parents reminded her almost every day what would happen if she was to expose herself. When she was younger they would make her repeat it again and again before shoving her into the space behind the wall to hide.
“Tell us what happens if they find you.” They would say, as they shoved her into the walls. “We have to hear you say it.”
“They will execute both mommy and daddy.”
Eden tries to keep quiet as she takes a deep, shaky breath. It’s hard to breathe in here, it’s the same feeling of suffocation she gets when she kept the blankets over her head for too long. This little crawlspace in the wall of her sister’s bedroom was the only safe place for her, but it always felt like it was trying to kill her. She had begged for Ruby to take her place, just once. We’re identical. If I don’t say anything they will never know. Her twin always refused. A part of Eden hated and resented her for being the one who didn’t have to live in constant fear.
“Check the bedrooms.” She hears a voice say from the hallway. The Guard is almost done with the inspection, it would be over soon. Footsteps enter the room, she can hear her sisters twin bed hit the wall as they check underneath it for anything that might be suspicious. There’s nothing in the room that would suggest more than one teenage girl inhabits the space. Everyday Eden was careful to clean up the proof of her existence, the mat that she sleeps on is rolled up and placed in the storage closet along with her blankets and pillows. Her clothes are made to look like Ruby’s, even though Eden hates what her sister choses to wear.
The footsteps circle around the room, coming to a stop mere inches away from where she’s hidden. Eden’s legs begin to cramp. The sound of her heart beating in her ears is almost deafening and even after years of hiding in this very spot she wonders if the Guardsmen can hear it too.
“Room’s clear.” The voice says from the other side of the thin wall, making her jump. He must have been a new recruit he sounded a lot younger than the one who usually searched her familiy’s apartment.
“About time.” Ruby’s says, Eden doesn’t have to see her sister to know that she’s standing in the doorway, hands on hips, with that annoyed look that’s permanently etched onto her face. The guardsman mutters something that Eden can’t make out before exciting the room. What seems like an eternity later Ruby finally says the words the she’s been dying to hear. “You can come out now.”
Eden stumbles out of her hiding place, taking a deep breath she sits in the wobbly computer chair, her pale hand reaches up to push her dark brown hair away from her face. She stretches out, thankful to finally have some room to move. “What took so long?”

@Blossom_Utonium

I'm liking how the stakes are raised from the very beginning, but I think doing past-tense would help it flow better. Also, it leaves me asking questions that I want answers to, so that's a good sign.

Deleted user

I really love this opening. You show personality and clear differentiation between the two girls really quickly which is good! There is already stakes and tension which sparks interest for the rest of the story so I personally think this is a great opening.