forum poem critique/advice on shortening this work
Started by @_sleeby_rat_
tune

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@_sleeby_rat_

So basically I rarely ever write poems, and I wrote this two page one for an application. Problem is, I have to shorten it to one page, and I'm not entirely sure if it qualifies as a poem (I mean I think it does because I once read a poem with similar formatting but idk bc I don't write poems lol). Anyways, here's the writing:

Upon a mountain of ruin and decay, I approach a lapse in the rubble and ground.

There lay a shrine, jutting from the clay, jutting from the ruins of ash and stone.

It was dark and dust-laden, its marble entrance faded and cracked with the weight of a thousand worlds crushed upon its supports. Tentative steps drew me to this oasis of stone, a glimpse of the old world encased in the throes.

A deep breath drew in the scent of a cold wind, its dust-laden wisps humming, singing in an ancient tone.

And who am I to resist, to tell this old god no?

The dull thud of my own footsteps echo as I follow the slant of stone inwards, stepping away from the decay to breathe the air of old gods.

And those gods?

They welcome all.

A rustle. A slither. A brush of wings. A glint of eyes.

They are everywhere. They are nowhere. They are in front of the only soul they will ever pass their legacy to.

A child? A man? The outside?

There are whispers all around me. I don’t care. This darkness is so much more welcoming than the blinding warmth of the new world.

A glisten of silver. A creak of old bones. There are eyes everywhere. They don’t want to leave me alone.

Not without a story to tell.

There is one in front of me now. It looks young. It looks tired.

Each movement flashes a new color, a new tone of welcoming cold. There is a silver crown of barbs atop its inhuman head, there are lines that trace its body as if it were carved from the meld of a dying world. Each movement brings a new color, each as soothing as the last.

Malachite irises housed in ivory casings. Cobalt wings melted into lavender skin.

The cold is so kind to my tired eyes.

And god, are there eyes everywhere.

I can only see one, but there are a hundred. A thousand. All condensed into bodies too small to contain a million dead dreams and a million throttled hopes.

So I sit. I sit on that cold, marble floor, which has given way to the mountain clay and unforgiving stone. I fold my legs and look up to this creature before me, like a school child awaiting their next lesson.

“What are you?” I ask, though my voice falls on nonexistent ears.

The beginning of the end, a voice says from nonexistent mouths.

“Will it hurt?” I think to ask, though I am unable to say whether or not I care.

For a moment, the creature says, its voice like cold water rushing through my ears, flooding my body with a gentle, suffusing chill.

“Did it hurt when they left you?” My lips are moving of their own accord now. I have so many questions. So little time.

They never left us, that same voice soothes, cold silver blankets draping around my body, which has been burning for far too long. We are still here. They are still here. And that’s enough. Isn’t it?

“Yes,” I murmur gently, my eyelids drooping as I feel that cold weight settle atop me, lulling my body to relent to my tired mind. It had been so long since I had felt at peace. Since I had felt the cold.

We used to grant wishes, once. Would you like one? that old god asks softly, its words gentle on my aching soul.

“Would you tell me a story?” I ask softly. My voice is so quiet now.

And that kind, cold voice washes over me once more.

 Upon a mountain of ruin and decay, I approach a lapse in the rubble and ground.

  There lay a shrine, jutting from the clay, jutting from the ruins of ash and stone.

@Yamatsu

Okay, honestly, I wish the poetry I wrote was anywhere NEAR this good! If you wanted to shorten it but keep all of the content, I would just suggest getting rid of all the spaces between lines. When you say it's two pages, do you mean a full two pages, or like a page and a half? You might need to go further into formatting changes if the rules allow. Also, it totally counts as poetry. You could technically make anything poetry as long as you call it "free verse." It's for people like me who can't rhyme worth a darn and just want to get my ideas out onto paper and make it sound as pretty as possible.

@_sleeby_rat_

ahh, thank you! and yeah, I do almost exclusively free verse bc I can't rhyme without sounding stupid lol. I do kind of want to keep the formatting because of the effect it has on the story, but yeah, it is two full pages. I was thinking of chopping it up a bit and altering the wording so it's single page, but idk

@Riorlyne pets

It probably depends on wherever you’re submitting to whether it qualifies as a ‘poem’ by their guidelines. Poems typically employ a lot of evocative imagery (via metaphor, simile, personification, etc.) or use of sound (via rhyme, rhythm, alliteration, onomatopoeia, etc.). I would honestly call what you’ve written very poetic prose, but that’s just my opinion, as my go-to poetry style is one that is heavier on the sound side (rhyme and rhythm), whereas yours uses less of that and more of the imagery side. Like I said, it will depend a lot on where you’re sending it.

Poetry is very subjective, so I don’t have a lot of critique, but I would recommend a couple of things:

First, that you avoid tense-swapping between sentences. If it’s done for a reason, fair enough, but in my experience most tense swapping is accidental and it can often jar the reader out of the story.
For example, “I approach (present tense) a lapse in the rubble and ground. There lay (past tense) a shrine… tentative steps drew me (past tense)… the dull thud of my own footsteps echo (present tense)”

Second, there are a couple of words that appear to have been used in the wrong context, namely ‘lapse’, ‘throes’, and ‘meld’.

If you need to cut down the word count, I would recommend shortening (or leaving out altogether) some of your dialogue tags.

“What are you?”

The beginning of the end.

”Will it hurt?”

Only for a moment.

Whatever you end up doing, your writing here does have a very soft, lyrical feel to it which marries well with its slightly eerie tone, so well done, and I wish you all the best with your application. :)