forum Please take a look and tell me what you think
Started by @Volcanoes
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@Volcanoes

Hey, if some one would take the time to take a look at this, it would be much appreciated!

Lyzel stared, in horror at what he had just done.
A seemingly peaceful glade had, with the help of roughly Twenty Death Watch soldiers, turned into a laser-laced battlefield that was now burning with flames started from super-heated substances from the planet below.
He heard a crack, then a flaming tree limb fell to the ground in front of him.
They had surrounded him in silence. Once he’d seen them, he had opened fire upon them.
Stepping around the burning log, he walked through the once peaceful glade as if in a daze.
They had captured him once his pistol had run out of energy. They had made it seem like a breeze and it made him angry.
Lyzel nearly fell when he tripped over something big. He looked down and shuddered at both what he had seen and the ghost-like feeling of being tied up.
Once they had subdued him and tied him up, they had set about setting up their camp. But all of them, himself included, were not expecting what happened next.
~ Lyzel struggled against his bonds to no avail. Glaring at the men before him, he felt his temper rise. The band of Death Watch had finished setting up camp and were currently relaxing around a campfire. They were laughing and joking. He ground his teeth and thought that he’d felt a small tremor vibrate through the ground. Suddenly one of the Death Watch sat up from his relaxed position of lying on his side. His armor had symbols indicating that he was a geologist or had some degree of knowledge in that area. He addressed the leader of the band with a hint of strain in his voice. “Jermoth, we better get a move on. This isn’t a safe place. The temperature just jumped about thirty-five degrees higher and my suit just registered an increase of seismic activity. If this area is having seismic activity, then we need leave.” Lyzel frowned and shook his shaggy brown hair from his eyes. He knew from what his parents had told him that this area of Concord Dawn was known for its stability and absence of volcanic and seismic activity. So what the Death Watch geologist had said made no sense at all. Jermoth, a tall, heavy-set body-builder, frowned as well. “This area of Concord Dawn has never been known to have any … “Before he could finish his sentence, an earthquake struck. Lyzel was instantly frightened. He had never been in an earthquake before. The ground heaved, then split. Right at the split was the campfire. So as the ground spread open, it dropped the campfire and twelve of the Death Watch into the depths of Concord Dawn before closing half way. Jermoth stared, probably in horror. Lyzel couldn’t hold back the scream that came to his lips. The instant he screamed, a plume of molten rock spewed from the crack in waves. His scream cut off as he watched it continue spewing from the ground and as the waves of lava overtook the fleeing Death Watch. Lyzel tried pulling at his bonds to no avail as the lava river set the glade ablaze in flames and lapped at the toes of his boots. Lyzel couldn’t hold back the cry that came to his lips. He was going to die here with the Death Watch. He stared at the molten river, in vain hopes that it would disappear. He is dumbfounded as he watches it slowly creep away, flowing back into the depths of the planet. Then, with the uncanny sense of death still impressed upon him, he looks up … straight into the muzzle of Jermoth’s rifle. He watched as the Death Watch’s finger tightened on the trigger, hoping that something would free him from this torture. Suddenly, a crack opened between Jermoth’s boots and a plume of lava rose up beneath him. Blood frozen, Lyzel looked away from the gruesome sight. ~
Lyzel broke free of the flashback. He had managed to escape the ropes that had held him captive. Looking around at the burning glade, he shuddered. It had been that moment that he had realized that for some reason, he could control the lava. Stumbling from the glade, he ran as far as he could. Upon hearing a voice, he stopped and looked to see who it was. Seeing that it was his uncle Akeem Braddock, he ran to him and hid himself in the embrace of his uncle’s arms.
Akeem held his nephew close. He could feel Lyzel’s heart pounding in fear. “Shh, I’m here, you’re safe now.” As Lyzel calmed, Akeem rubbed his back in hopes that it would help to calm him. After awhile, Lyzel murmured. “Why are you out here?” Akeem smiled. “When you didn’t return on time, we started getting worried. See, your father had returned from town half an hour after you left with news that the Death Watch were on the move through our area. So, when you didn’t return on time, your momma feared that you had run into them. Then about ten minutes ago, there was a terrible earthquake and your momma insisted that we go search for you or she would head out herself.” Lyzel gave a jerky nod and clung to his uncle. Akeem studied what he could see of Lyzel. His brown hair was all messy; he smelled like sulfur; the toes of his boot soles looked like they had been melted; and there were burn marks on his arms, face, shirt, and pants. Akeem pulled him closer as he looked up to stare at the burning glade. Some how, he just knew that Lyzel had been in the midst of that glade when it burst into flames. Holding Lyzel close as the boy begins to cry softly, he thinks. ‘There is something special about Lyzel. I don’t know what, but I hope that he can control it.’

@doug

I think this is a great piece thematically - It has a interesting premise, and I sympathized with the character Lyzel almost immediately. Technically it needs some work. I think your descriptions are good, but try adding more body language instead of just telling us what the characters are feeling. Maybe instead of he was angry, try 'he clenched his fists,' or something to that effect. I also couldn't seem to decide which tense it was supposed to be in, you use both past and present tense in both the flashback and the present time. What I think you were going for was past tense in the flashback and then present in the rest.

Also, try to watch your run on sentences and sentence structure. I think it's a great story, it just needs some technical fixes. Keep it up!

@Volcanoes

Thanks! I will definitely look it over again and fix it up!