I have a tendency to WAY over describe or move the story along Way too quickly. I would love an editor to completely rip apart my story.
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Prologue
It was dark. The tall graceful elf slinked among the trees of the forest swallowed up by the inky black of a shadowy night. The majestic silver moon and twinkling stars were stunning tonight as they were every other, but the elf had no time to stop and seek out their guidance. He stood motionless for a moment and listened, brushing a thin strand of long dark brown hair that had escaped the braid out of his face. There it was! Three-hundred yards off! The snap of a twig and the rustling of leaves were audible even from here. The man started running, silently drawing his bow and notching an arrow as he went. He stopped about one-hundred-and-fifty yards away from his target, praying that he didn’t miss any scouts. He pulled back the string and aimed carefully, his golden-yellow eyes seeking the perfect point to strike and release. No sooner had the arrow left the bow than he turned and sprinted away. Whether it arrow hit its mark or not if he was too close to the victims he would be killed in the blast.
The arrow flew true to its master’s aim. The man was thrown to the ground by the impact of the purple explosion veined with silver but was otherwise unharmed. He turned to see what was left of the party and was pleased when the only things visible were trees burning in deep purple flames streaked with shining silver.
The man slouched against the trunk of a non-burning tree and pulled a necklace from under his green and leather tunic. The silver charm of a crescent moon with a small arrow engraved on the back dangled from the delicate chain. The man pressed it between his thumb and pointer finger proceeding to speak to it,
“Achnorii,” the charm glowed with a faint green light. “Mission complete. Edgon requesting permission to return to base.” The light went out and all was still for a few seconds. Then the charm pulsed three times. Edgon smiled. After a long four months of mission after mission he could go home.
Chapter One
Guinevere Taylor flexed her fingers, closing them around her bow as she sat in a tree willing something to wander by so she could get home before dark. Finally, she climbed down the tree admitting defeat, being careful to keep her dirty blonde hair out of tree sap. The peaceful summer evening was broken abruptly by the sight of black smoke furiously engulfing the sky, and an entire hill. Guinn sprinted out of the forest and over hills to the stone cottage her family lived in, her mind wildly running through possibilities and crowding with fears. She crested another hill and was faced with a sickening picture: her cottage burning, several other hills being consumed by the fire, and a large group of no less than fifty quickly traveling away from the destruction. Dropping her bow and quiver Guinn dashed down the hill and into the cottage. The smoke stung her eyes and filled her lungs. Sparks were flying everywhere, the old cottage lighting up like a match. “Jonathan!”, she called for her brother, covering her mouth with her shirt. “Jonathan, where are you?” A section of the blazing roof crashed down in front of her, a beam grazing her arm on its way down. Guinn cried out in pain and spun around looking for anyone in her family. The smoke was choking, and her eyes were watering so badly that she couldn’t see anymore. Tears streaming down her face, she stumbled towards what she thought was the door or at least a hole in the wall. She made it outside, though not unharmed, and turned to see the cottage collapsing on itself; taking her family down with it. She sank to her knees, shaking, and blacked out.
I'm going to take the time to read this I promise. I just have to go to bed now, I'll be back tomorrow with some constructive critiscism!
Clears throat.
First off, I love this. The story flows together and I can tell that you're really able to see the story and how it tells itself.
There is a lot of description, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe going through and whenever you have multiple adjectives, pick just one. There are some places when I really appreciated the description, but for action scenes, and the very beginning, the story should move a little faster. For action like the fire, it might be better to use more verbs instead. Action scenes need a lot of action, (which you do have) but the action needs less description so it moves faster and the reader will stay more interested.
I hope this helps!
Clears throat.
First off, I love this. The story flows together and I can tell that you're really able to see the story and how it tells itself.
There is a lot of description, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe going through and whenever you have multiple adjectives, pick just one. There are some places when I really appreciated the description, but for action scenes, and the very beginning, the story should move a little faster. For action like the fire, it might be better to use more verbs instead. Action scenes need a lot of action, (which you do have) but the action needs less description so it moves faster and the reader will stay more interested.
I hope this helps!
Thanks so much! ill do that eventually but today and tomorrow are busy for me. ill update my story on here tough if you want to re-read it once that's done. i am also concerned that i don't give you enough time to care about Guinn but i cant write anything clam without making it seem boring and irreverent.
I'd love to! I'll be pretty inactive over the weekend, but whenever I'm able I'll read it. Thank you!
I'd love to! I'll be pretty inactive over the weekend, but whenever I'm able I'll read it. Thank you!
im so sorry i didnt get back to you sooner but tbh i was procrastinating so i didnt have to keep working. here's the new version. i didnt change all that much but i think the best thing to do with it right now is to leave it and keep working. it is just my first draft after all!
Prologue
It was dark. The tall graceful elf slinked among the trees of the forest swallowed up by the inky black of a shadowy night. The majestic silver moon was stunning tonight as it was every other, but the elf had no time to stop and seek out its guidance. He stood motionless for a moment and listened, brushing a thin strand of long dark brown hair out of his face. There it was! Three-hundred yards off! The snap of a twig and the rustling of leaves were audible even from here. The man started running, silently drawing his bow and notching an arrow as he went. He stopped about one-hundred-and-fifty yards away from his target. He pulled back the string and aimed carefully, his golden-yellow eyes seeking the perfect point to strike and release. No sooner had the arrow left the bow than he turned and sprinted away. Whether it arrow hit its mark or not, if he was too close to the victims he would be killed in the blast.
The arrow flew true to its master’s aim. The man was thrown to the ground by the impact of the purple explosion veined with silver but was otherwise unharmed. He turned to see what was left of the party and was pleased when the only things visible were trees burning in deep purple flames.
The man slouched against the trunk of a non-burning tree and pulled a necklace from under his green and leather tunic. The silver charm of a crescent moon with a small arrow engraved on the back dangled from the delicate chain. The man pressed it between his thumb and pointer finger proceeding to speak to it,
“Achnorii,” the charm glowed with a faint green light. “Mission complete. Edgon requesting permission to return to base.” The light went out and all was still for a few seconds. Then the charm pulsed three times. Edgon smiled. After a long four months of mission after mission he could go home.
Chapter One
Guinevere Taylor flexed her fingers, closing them around her bow as she sat in a tree willing something to wander by so she could get home before dark. Finally, she climbed down the tree admitting defeat, being careful to keep her dirty blonde hair out of tree sap. The peaceful summer evening was broken abruptly by the sight of black smoke furiously engulfing the sky, and an entire hill. Guinn sprinted out of the forest and over hills to the stone cottage her family lived in, her mind wildly running through possibilities. Her feet throbbing, she crested another hill and was faced with a sickening picture: her cottage burning and a large group of no less than fifty men quickly traveling away from the destruction. Dropping her bow and quiver Guinn dashed down the hill and into the cottage. The smoke stung her eyes and filled her lungs. Sparks were flying everywhere, the old cottage lighting up like a match. “Jonathan!”, she called for her brother, covering her mouth with her shirt. “Jonathan, where are you?” A section of the blazing roof crashed down in front of her, a beam grazing her arm on its way down. Guinn cried out in pain and spun around looking for anyone in her family. The smoke was choking, and her eyes were watering so badly that she couldn’t see anymore. Tears streaming down her face, she stumbled towards what she thought was the door, or at least a hole in the wall. She made it outside, though not unharmed, and turned to see the cottage collapsing on itself; taking her family down with it. She sank to her knees, shaking, and blacked out.
I LOVE IT
I unfortunately won't be on again for a while (Broke my computer) But once I am, I will get back to you with more details.
I LOVE IT
I unfortunately won't be on again for a while (Broke my computer) But once I am, I will get back to you with more details.
hey i made a new discussion with the most recent update of my story! it took me waaaay to long to get motivated to work on it again.
