forum Please critique the first chapter of my book
Started by @CoolBeanz
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@CoolBeanz

Chapter 1

Fauna Magicmoon was almost completely alone and she knew why. It wasn’t because she was stupid. She was actually quite intelligent. It wasn’t because she was mean. She was nice in her own, unique way. It wasn’t because she was weak. She was one of the strongest people in Klamas. And it wasn’t because she was ugly. Anyone from any of the three Kinds would agree that she exhibited all the signs of a classic beauty. No, it was because she was a Gealachan. And no one likes Gealachans, except for other Gealachans, and even they don’t really like each other that much. A Gealachan is not alone when it has a family or a mate, and Fauna Magicmoon had neither of these things.
There was one, however, that she could call a friend. A six foot long black mamba she called Pirate. There were also the everyday people that made her acquaintance, of course. Grianites, Duins, and Gealachans, said in order of Kind.
Around her neck was her locket, the only surviving heirloom from the legacy she had lost before her memory had fully developed, and Pirate. She wore Pirate around her neck to keep him warm. It was dusk and the dead of winter in Rhew, the bitterest sect of all the barren land the Grianites had so generously given the Gaelachans. She had woken up early tonight, around three in the afternoon, to get the hunting and trading out of the way in order to make the trip she had been planning.
She stood in front of one of the Gealachan Trading Centers, waiting in line with a sack full of food, killed courtesy her and Pirate, slung over her small shoulder. When it was her turn, she slammed it down onto the counter and asked Koal, one of her closer acquaintances seeing as she visited that particular center so often, how much it was worth in Gems.
Koal, a large and intimidating Gealachoe, sorted through the bag, naming each animal as he counted them.
When he was done, he looked up at Fauna. “Three Rubies and eight Sapphires.” He shook his head. “My best supplier, and you’re not yet fourteen,” he said in the gruff Northern accent.
The Gealacha couldn’t keep the pride off her face. “You are wrong, sir. For today, I am exactly that age,” she replied in the soft voice of the forest.
Koal nodded. “Well, then,” and he tossed her a small bag with what the prey was worth, along with a smaller bag. “Here’s a little something for your birthday, Miss Fauna.”
She opened it up and dumped it out. “A diamond,” she muttered. A diamond was worth more than any of the other Gems. She looked back up at the trader. “Thank you,” she added, trying to make her voice sound sincere as possible. She put what she had earned and what had been given in her own pouch.
“Not a problem, Miss,” he smiled down at her. “Fourteen is a very special age for our Kind. You’ll need the extra to register. It’s rare one of us even makes it to that age anymore.”
She nodded. “I don’t really like the idea of registering if I’m being honest. I’m not sure anyone wants to anymore, now that the Grianites are using it to track us down.”
Koal understood. She could see the pain in his face from having lost a daughter that way. It was illegal not to do so, however. The trek to the Gaelachan registration headquarters was an inevitable cross that they all had to bear.
“I’m heading off right about now,” she said, though she knew she held up the line behind her.
“Be mighty careful, now, Miss,” he said. “There’s been talk of dangers against girls like you. If you’d like accompaniment, I could take my break, you know.”
The girl shook her head and even though she’d tied it extra tight before going out, a curl of raven hair popped out of her hood. “No thanks. I’ve been on my own this long; I think I can last another day. Besides,” she smiled, “last time I checked, you can’t take a break from now until Midnight.”
“True,” Koal admitted. “Though it would not be such a tedious journey, Miss Fauna, if you’d use those pretty wings of yours.”
She shrugged. She kept her wings folded inside of her jacket, making them useless. “It makes me feel normal.”
Koal scoffed at the idea. “You know, you might be the only Gealachan I’ve ever met who is more comfortable with the holes made into the jacket for us sewn up, rather than made bigger.”
Fauna shrugged once more. “Nice seeing you, I’ve got to be on my way.”
The headquarters was located in a place called Prif Ban, south east of Rhew and just past Distawed. Prif Ban was a rocky place, with giant red stones, canyons, and cliffs, now covered in snow. Fauna kept going until she reached the place where the waterfall fell in the rainy season. She walked under the dry ledge and into a small cave with chairs, tables, and a few rugs in an attempt to keep the warm in. This was what their headquarters had been reduced to.
The line wasn’t long. Of course, there weren’t as many to line up as there used to be. She stood up tall once she reached the counter and presented the diamond.
“Name?” the Gealachoe at the counter asked.
“Fauna Magicmoon,” she said in as strong a voice as she could.
He flipped through a book of records murmuring, “Magicmoon . . . Magicmoon . . . Magi-”
He looked up at her and looked back down at the book. “Magicmoon?”
She fiddled with her thumbs, unsure of what was happening. “Um . . . yes?”
The man put a sign on the desk stating to the rest that he’d be back soon. “Wait here,” he told Fauna. That was when he ran away, shouting for anyone who knew the Emperor to please report to them. There was apparently an emergency. Fauna had apparently caused it.

——————–Exactly 300 years ago

Aeshma Songmoon hid from her sister in the tall grass behind their home. Said sister would say that a Council member shouldn’t behave so childishly. She’d remind her that she was only 14 and though legally adult, was still considered a child by many. As she played out this familiar scenario in her head, a tall, white bird landed next to her.
“Well you’re a handsome one, aren’t you?” She reached out to stroke him and, no surprise, he let her. Adrey said she had a way with animals.
It didn’t last long, though. Soon he was spooked by a sound not quite as loud as thunder, but that certainly had the same intensity. Her older sister tumbled over, landing next to her, out of breath from running down the hill.
“You don’t have to stomp so loud.” Aeshma folded her arms.
Adrey scoffed, her mouth left open in disbelief. If it’d been the other way round, Adramelech would have scolded her for “catching flies.” “Really? You’re the one lecturing me?”
“It’s not a lecture. You just scared away that bird.”
The young woman dropped her head back so that she was gazing at the sky. “You’re too much sometimes.”
“So are you.”
Aeshma watched her sister close her eyes and breathe. Her long eyelashes hitting high cheekbones, her delicate hand moving up and down on her stomach, her statuesque wings sprawled out against the ground above them, her rule-breaking-ly uncovered obsidian hair curling gently about her head. She’d never be as beautiful as her.
They lay like that for a few more precious moments before Adramelech remembered her duties as a baroness and dragged Aeshma back inside. Oh, how she loathed the indoors. Confined spaces, little light, tight clothes. The worst part of every day was when her mother had to check that every little piece of clothing was in place on her. If not for that, maybe no one other than Adrey would know that she went without stockings, pins, hair-covers, or girdles. Then she wouldn’t have to retreat in unnecessary shame to her dressing room to put those horrid items on.
Adrey didn’t like wearing them either but she never seemed to complain about them to anyone but Aeshma. Of course, when she talked to other, more “adult” people, the only thing she ever complained about was Aeshma. She tried not to take that as in insult on their relationship. They were very close for sisters, after all. Their parents said it was because they didn’t send their daughters away to get husbands as soon as most parents would have. That they should consider themselves lucky for having a relationship with each other at all.
Adramelech did consider them lucky. Even though she was in her twenties already, she had no interest in marrying anyone but that greasy weasel Grong Magicmoon, and he wasn’t eligible. This was utterly ridiculous, of course. What did she plan on doing? Waiting for him to announce his want for a wife? He wasn’t worth it.
Aeshma did not consider them lucky. Sure, she loved her sister, but she’d marry anyone but someone like Grong as long as it meant freedom. Just thinking about it made her heart soar and her toes tingle. The word itself was spectacular. Freedom. She could taste the sweetness of possibility dripping from every letter. Not being married off however, meant one thing: staying in her parents care until they decided she was ready. What about when she was ready?
She was 14 now. She was legally allowed to be given to a husband and walk right out her parent’s door that way.
She liked to daydream about what he’d be like. He’d be adventurous. Maybe a knight? Well she knew some of those already, but Allan certainly wouldn’t be catching her fancy. Her husband would let her roam about at she pleased. That’s for sure. She didn’t want any controlling bastard owning her life. That’d be even worse than her parents.
Oh well. She would have to get to the Council meeting with her sister as soon as she was done tending the land and overseeing the cooks. No use getting lost in fantasy right before something that would require quite a lot of concentration. No use in doing anything fun at all if you had that mindset, she reminded herself.
Time flew away from her, though. It always did. Before she knew it she was once again in the cramped quarters that the Council of the Tuatha De Denaan called a meeting place. She tried her best, she always did, to keep her mind in one place as her sister and her, what was the word she used? Revolutionary friends all discussed a war that she didn’t want to happen.
Once again Grong was staring at her in the way she couldn’t stand.
Once again Darcy and Adrey were happily chatting away like the best friends they were.
Once again Aeshma didn’t have a friend.
Once again Aeshma wanted to escape.
Her mind always offered a welcome one.