forum Please critique my first scene
Started by @Paperok
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@Paperok

Thursday, August 18, 2016

11:28 AM.

"Just about everything in this class is physical," Mrs. Indram snapped at Paul. He shook off wherever his mind was wandering to and shifted uncomfortably in the chair as she continued to berate him.

"I don't own any gym shorts," he said again. He had come to her office during lunch to see if she had any gym shorts he could borrow. Apparently, all she intended to do was growl and lecture.

"Buy some," She took a glance at her watch and stood up, she was a small old woman but in top shape. She donned a tank top and red shorts. "Youll have to sit to the side until you have a pair, and some better shoes," she threw a disgusted look at his flip-flops and socks. "Anything would be better than that," Paul considered hissing at her. the bell rung, he jumped a bit, unadjusted to this school's loud bell. "Get out to the gym." He left her office following the hallway into the gym while enjoying the defiant slap of his flip-flops on the floor. There were already students coming in the doors on the other side of the gym and going into their respective locker rooms, taking their bags in there and changing into gym clothes. Paul had already put his bag in the locker room.

"I like my flip-flops," Paul muttered. The gym wasn't anything fancy, a basketball court some bleachers on two sides and a high ceiling. The rest of his gym class was gathering on the bleachers sitting in a line on the bottom level. There is another class too, a weight training class. They've stayed in the lockers and in the weight room for the last few days. Paul sat on the bleachers in between some guy named Tony and a girl named Kihara. Mrs. Indram paced in front of them, calling out names over the general chatter of the other students, he plucked awkwardly at his jeans as she went down the list. The wait for his name to be called always makes him tense. "Paul Fenn."

"Here!" He watched her continue listing names while regretting wasting the last ten minutes of his lunch coming here. His friend, Logan, was absent. He didn't have anything else to do. The thought of making a new friend crossed his mind. One of the doors on the other side of the gym opened. It wasn't the opening of the door that shocked Paul. It was the loud slam that followed behind it. A girl stood in front of the doors, he recognized her, short shoulder length brown hair, a backpack hanging off her left shoulder, she wore a button-up shirt and black jeans. She stood in front of the door, eyes wide as if the the loud slam had given her a heart attack. Paul watched for a moment as the girl strolled across the basketball court; then her bag slipped off. Paul stared, expecting the class to explode with laughter as she knelt down picking up some scattered items. A quick look to his left and right revealed that no one seemed to care. he was the only one paying attention, she locked eyes with him. He looked away. She picked up her bag and gave Mrs. Indram a tardy slip. They spoke for a minute, Mrs. Indram seemed to be angry about something, the girl went into the girl's locker room. Mrs. Indram came over to the students "We're going to the track, let's go" There are two things beyond the parking lot in the back of the school, the football stadium and the soccer field beside it. Paul thought back to the clumsy girl, was she going to catch up?

"You don't have any gym shorts?" A rather tall boy spoke to him, he shrugged a bit, unsure of what the boy was saying. The boy held his gaze,

"No," Paul said "I only do jeans," he chuckled and Paul relaxed some. What a weird conversation. Maybe he could be Paul's new friend, he recalled seeing him in another class. That's at least two classes together! They got to the Football stadium, inside, around the field was the track, six lanes. Mrs. Indram led them onto the track.

"Paul, Jessica, c'mere" Mrs. Indram nearly shouts. Paul made my way toward her and noticed the girl from earlier walking beside him, when did she catch? She is still wearing her black jeans. Mrs. Indram directed them to a tree "sit, don't talk." Paul sat against the tree and watched her line the class up. It took him a moment to notice the girl named 'Jessica' sitting next to him. He glanced awkwardly at her, what did she want? He caught her eye and they stared at each other for a moment

"Do you have any gum?" she asked in a monotone voice. Paul continued staring blankly,

"No."

"Do you have any snacks?"

"No," her face sunk and she scooted away some. Paul watched her for a moment and turned back to the class, they were running around the track.

"Its the mile run," Jessica was staring at him again, he avoided her eyes. "It's like four laps around the track or something" he nodded, looking up at the almost perfectly blue sky. He preferred cloudier days, not as bright.

"That sounds fun," he said giving her a smile, she wasn't amused.

"How is that fun?" She leaned close, furrowing her brow.

"I was being sarcastic." Paul looks down, eyes hurting from staring at the sun.

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life." She scooted back over to him,

"Neither will trying to take other people's snacks"

"I didn't try to take your snacks. Wait, you have snacks?"

"I said don't talk!" Mrs. Indram yelled at them from the apparent starting line.

"What does she want us to do?" Jessica groaned.

"Wallow in regret" Paul suggested with a shrug, there is a bit of silence.

"Let's face away from her so she can't tell were talking," Jessica said.

"Why?" Paul said,

"So we can talk," they both shifted a bit so they were facing the school grounds. Despite what she said, Jessica didn't seem interested in talking, she simply watched her shoes. Paul took this moment to stare at her. she was a conventionally pretty girl: full lips, high forehead, broad face, small chin, and nose, short and narrow jaw, she wasn't skinny or exactly large. Paul felt as if he was supposed to be attracted to her, he wasn't. Perhaps he didn't like her personality, Paul shifted slightly to face her.

"This class is unnecessary," he said

"It's pretty important," she said "can't have the next generation being out of shape." unable to think of a good response he goes silent again. A few minutes passed. "What is your favorite color?" Jessica asked,

"I don't know, blue or something," Jessica responded strangely to this, Paul noticed her staring at him again. In response, he stared back. "What about you,"

"Red," she said, scooting an inch or so closer to Paul. Was she trying to make a move on him? Paul internally cringed at the thought. His mind was doing backward cartwheels while wondering what exactly a backward cartwheel was. This could simply be the way she is, she could simply prefer to be up close while she's invested in a conversation. Another possibility would be she wanted to kiss him. Was Paul flustered? "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I"

"Quiet over there!" Mrs. Indram yelled again "Keep talking and I will send both of you to the office!" Jessica humphed at him and smiled, Paul didn't notice himself smiling back. It wasn't like they were friends, it was simply a passing interaction between strangers.

Friday, August 19, 2016

1:15 PM.

Paul's last hour class was in the furthest west building, Building 7. He had to make his way there on the covered walkways. The walkways were a system that reached every major location in Raulerson High. Brushing some sweat off his forehead, Paul cursed the size of the school.

"Paul, wait up!" Jessica came up behind Paul, "you left so fast." She said breathlessly. He met her the day before, but they had been spending an immense amount of time together since. It came to his attention that they had every single class together.

"I didn't have anything to do but to get my backpack," Paul said, "if you want me to wait, all you have to do is ask." Jessica humphed at him and the two continued walking. Paul wasn't sure what was happening with Jessica. she acted as if they had been friends for years. He didn't dislike her.

"You should buy some shorts," Jessica said,

"I will," Paul said.

"We're starting partner activities next week, I want to be partners with you."

"That's why I should get shorts?" Paul laughed softly,

"You don't want to be partners?"

"I doubt I would be able to keep up with you," Paul teased, recalling how nimble she was while Mrs. Indram had the class running suicides. "You are surprisingly athletic."

"Surprisingly?" Jessica crossed her arms and lowered her head slightly, "I used to play soccer," Paul looked her up and down only half surprised. "I was a forward."

"A forward?"

"That's right." The pair reached the entrance to Building 7,

"What's a forward?" Jessica explained to him what a forward was as they entered Building 7, inside was a hallway and a stairwell. They started up the stairwell as Paul came to the conclusion that a forward was essentially a running back.

"You'll be my partner?" Jessica asked, Paul shrugged,

"If I get shorts then yeah," he said, Jessica nodded flashing a toothy smile. They reached the second floor, Paul held the door open for Jessica but regretted it when six other people passed through after her. He cursed his act of kindness before stepping into the hallway. Mr. King, their last hour teacher's classroom was right beside the entrance. Jessica had already walked inside. Some students had gathered around the entrance and were talking. Paul's twin sister, Crystal, was talking to her boyfriend by the door. Wearing a striped t-shirt and skinny jeans, Her neon purple hair was laid flat on her shoulders. Crystal was Paul's twin sister. Naturally, his absolute opposite. Where he was lacking in intelligence and physical activities she had advanced classes and was more fit than some of the boys in their grade. But that didn't matter to Paul. She'd protected him from bullies and such all their lives, it was good to have her around. She was upset about something, Paul noticed her balled fists at her sides as he approached.

"What are we doing?" she asked. Her boyfriend, Paul gave up on trying to remember his name the moment he'd met the guy, looked down. "What. Are. We. Doing?" She demanded again. Paul snuck past them as she continued. Crystal could be defined as a grown woman stuck in the body of a teenager. Especially when it came to her "romantic endeavors," she acted as if they were already married. Paul entered the classroom and saw that the seats were arranged into groups of four. Jessica was in the group closest to the door, the only person there. She happily waved Paul over. He sat down in the seat next to hers.

"What happened to you?" Jessica asked flipping through her notebook for no apparent reason.

"Got held up being a gentleman," Paul said. He dug his notebook out from his backpack and placed it on the desk before checking the time on his phone. 1:19 PM. The class was about to start. Jessica was leaning over searching through her bag, Paul watched for a moment as some of the students who were standing outside of the class came inside. She straightened up and turned towards Paul. "Why even bother looking," he said. "You already know you don't have a pencil." She played with her notebook paper for a moment before speaking

"Can I borrow your pencil?"

"Yes." Paul opened his backpack, got his pencil pouch and gave her a sharpened pencil. "I should charge you a dollar,"

"I have a dollar," she said as a girl sat down across from me.

"Keep it," Paul said.