forum Please critique my first scene
Started by @Paperok
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@Paperok

This is the first part of the first chapter.

Thursday, August 18, 2016.

6:11 AM.

Beowulf meows, circling around Paul's feet as he brushes his teeth. After finishing he rinses off the brush and gargles some mouthwash, Beowulf rears up digging her claws into Paul's leg. Paul winces swallowing some mouthwash and spits the rest out into the small sink.

"Why do you make me suffer?" Paul coughs rushing out of the bathroom and into the hallway, Beowulf follows meowing loudly. Paul reaches his bedroom at the end of the hallway and opens the door, Beowulf lunges between Paul's legs and plants herself in front of him meowing louder than before. "I'm getting your food," Paul steps over her and picks up the small bag of cat food by the door and takes it over to her pair of bowls, one is still half full of water while the other is barren. Paul carefully scoops some food into the proper bowl while Beowulf purrs and tries to get around him to get to the food. When he finishes, Paul approaches his nightstand picking up a brush and absentmindedly running it through his hair a few times. His phone vibrates a few times but he ignores it pulling a gray sweater with the words One-shot across the chest over his head. He then picks up his blue backpack from beside his nightstand and tosses it onto his bed before sitting down next to it looking at the clock. 6:13. "Plenty of time," Paul picks up his phone and unlocks it, he has some messages from Logan, his best friend on the server chat.

Roatsed Earbuds: @Liquiglass04 I'm skipping today
Roatsed Earbuds: Writing, don't @ me

Liquiglass04 was Paul's username, Roatsed Earbuds was Logan's. He turns the phone's screen off places it down and gazes silently at the mirror, his hair is barely passable for "brushed" he looks like a homeless person, baggy sweater baggy jeans flip flops and socks. At least I'm not ugly he offers himself smiling in the mirror before noticing some kind of a pimple on the right side of his chin and solemnly poking it. Movement catches his attention and he sees Crystal opening her door by the bathroom. She is all dressed, wearing a striped t-shirt and skinny jeans backpack hanging from her left shoulder. Her neon purple hair is laid flat on her shoulders. Crystal is Paul's twin sister. Naturally, his absolute opposite, where he is lacking in intelligence and physical activities she has advanced classes and is more fit than some of the boys in their grade. But that doesn't matter to Paul, she's protected him from bullies and such all their lives, its good to have her around. Crystal walks down the hallway and into the living room on the other end. Paul listens to Crystal and his father's muffled voices.

"Just be careful"

"Nothing will happen"

"That's not what I'm worried about, that boy has no balls. I'm worried he'll come out of the closet and you'll be heartbroken."

"Luis isn't gay dad!" Paul gets up, lifting his backpack onto his shoulders and starts towards the living room, his phone remaining on the bed. Stepping into the moderately sized living room, Paul notices Crystal and his dad sitting on the sectional sofa to his left in the middle of the room. They both look at him and Crystal noticeably cringes, their dad gives him a soft smile.

"We need to buy him better clothes," Crystal says, their dad responds with a light chuckle. The two of them look very similar. The same auburn hair, though Crystal has dyed hers. The same light brown eyes. Paul, on the other hand, Takes greatly after his mother. It's not as if his father or Crystal ever treat him different, barring a long look every now and then from their father. Crystal and Paul have only seen their mother in a photo framed in their father's favorite diner Her and their father competing in an eating contest. Richard, their father didn't react when the owner naively showed the kids the picture making a comment of how similar Paul and the woman looked. He simply laughed it off, Crystal, as intelligent a girl she has always been noticed the way her father's eyes fell. Paul though, couldn't get it out of his mind. Eventually, he asked Richard about it. Richard admitted that Paul was very reminiscent of his mother, but that didn't matter. Paul was different than she was, better. The long look on his father's face brought that conversation back to Paul's mind.

"What are you going to eat?" Richard asks getting up from the sofa and walking to the kitchen on Paul's right.

"Maybe an orange or something," Paul says following his dad into the kitchen and getting an apple from the large bowl on the counter after seeing that there were no oranges left. Richard opens the fridge and pours himself some water from a jug. Paul sits down on the sectional couch a few cushions away from Crystal who is on her phone. She glances over her phone at him eating his apple. "Morning," Paul says

"Yep"

Jessica Rhoem's morning was, contrary to Paul's, loud. Her mother, Angela was angry with her father, George for not calling to get Jessica's prescription filled. Jessica was sitting on the toilet playing Angry Birds ignoring their voices echoing through the house. Swiping down the scroll menu, she sees that it is almost 6:20. She gets off the toilet picking up her pants and moves to the sink. After a few moments of staring into her own eyes, she opens the medicine cabinet and gets her toothbrush and toothpaste. Her eyes linger on the empty pill bottles in the higher shelf before closing the cabinet and rinsing her toothbrush. As she brushes her teeth she considers putting her hair into a bun for school,

"Jessica!" Angela's voice surprises Jessica from the other side of the bathroom door. "Hurry up we're leaving in ten minutes!" Jessica finishes brushing her teeth and exits the bathroom hurrying across the living room and into her bedroom shutting the door behind her. Jessica's room is small, a bed, a drawer, a desktop computer on the floor beside the bed. Jessica gets dressed putting on a red button-up shirt and a pair of black jeans. She ties her black hair into a tight bun and takes a moment to look it over before undoing it and putting it into a ponytail. she could always change it later. She takes a long look into the mirror, there are dark rings around her eyes, her skin dry, a patch of acne between her left eye and her ear. She would like to buy some sort of cream or moisturizer to help her skin or even some makeup to cover her acne up but her mother would never let her insisting that only sluts use makeup. As if summoned by Jessica's thoughts, Angela knocks on the door, "Are you done in there?" Jessica jumps at her mother's voice and picks up her backpack from behind the bed. She opens the door and follows her mother out to the car, she and her father share a knowing look before he picks up his phone and makes a call. George is cheating on his wife, Jessica is aware of this, she caught him in the act on a day Angela was visiting her own mother. George, having the woman leave, tried threatening Jessica into silence but she was apathetic to his threats. He then turned to bribery, Jessica had been wanting a computer. She got that computer. The two get into the car, Jessica in the back seat, Angela refuses to let Jessica sit in the passenger seat until she is 18. The drive to school is short, Angela complains about the weather and her husband's faults while Jessica loads up Angry birds on her phone again. They reach a red light just before the bridge, Jessica loves the bridge. It's not a terribly large or high bridge, it is built over a canal, almost two thousand feet in width. capping at about 28 feet above the water, the bridge is a third of a mile across. The light turns green and they start across the bridge, Jessica rolls her window down unconcerned with her mother's complaints to it. The sun is above the water rising steadily, a mixture of yellow and orange shades reflecting off the water. Jessica takes out her phone and snaps a few pictures. "Get back in here!" Angela almost shouts at her, Jessica sits back and rolls her window up without a word. Getting off the bridge, the rest of the way consists of a few red lights and a right turn. The school, Raulerson High, was a fairly large school. 9 buildings a large football stadium and a soccer field. "Don't get in trouble, my heart can't take that principal yelling at me," Angela says pulling the car to a stop. Jessica opens the door and steps out, "You hear me?" Jessica turns and nods before closing the door behind her.

@LittleBear group

Okay I don't really have the time right now to go indepth into a full critique, so I am going to be brutally honest.
Your writing definitely has some shining points (like great name for a cat), but you fall into some common pitfalls. Like there is just alot of exposition that seems too much like world building (great for notes, but not for the reader) and not anything that is pivotal to the story that you are trying to create. If the story can move on without it - cut it out. Also you use the laundry list of physical characteristics and my eyes glazed over, I wanted so badly to like Crystal, but all I could see was a list. Your beginning has been done a million and one times before. Morning routine doesn't do anything for the reader besides letting us know a character has good basic hygiene, we want something that pulls us in and convinces us that this story, is different from all the rest. Readers want to escape life and the mundane, we already know what it looks like, so we don't want to read it. Get us started in the very moment that things go wrong or become interesting. The following are some good articles on the subject.

https://thewritelife.com/the-worst-ways-to-begin-your-novel-advice-from-literary-agents/

http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-writing-level/havent-written-anything-yet/5-wrong-ways-to-start-a-story

You have some amazing themes that could really blossom with some work and development, but I would take a look at some articles to to see what traps to avoid. You've got it, I believe in you.
If you want something more indepth and line by line, let me know I can try and see it this weekend.

Rebecca

First of all, nice writing, it looks like a promising start.
Just saying, I'm not a professional writer at all, but I'll do my best to help you by pointing out some things I think could be done better.
You describe a lot of things literally that do not necessarily have to be described this literally. Some things are just so normal to do that you don't really need to desribe them, your readers will understand they happened even when you don't mention them. You could try to write the story so that you're not literally describing everything that happens, you're writing a story after all, you're not just giving a description of what is happening. I find it really hard to come up with ways to to this different, for I myself struggle with the same thing. So I don't really have any tips on how you could improve this, but maybe you could do some research about how to avoid literally describing things that are happening instead of writing the story.

And like the other person said, morning routine has been used as a way to start stories so many times, to be honest, it's not the most interesting start of a story ever. But you said this was the first part of the first chapter, so we don't know of something really interesting is gonna happen in the other part of the chapter or not. It's your story so you decide what to do, but try to drag the reader into the story from the beginning.

Let me know if I said anything you don't understand or whatever.
Good luck with the rest writing!

@Paperok

Am I supposed to say thank you? That's not an angry thing its just you both brought up great points and I usually point out things I disagree with or things I think you misunderstood but I got nothing. Thank you for the critiques. You have helped me greatly.

@LittleBear group

Say thank you or not, it does not matter to me. If you would like an in-depth critique for grammar and themes, as I said, I can do that when I have more time. All you have to do is ask. But as no one had given you a critique for a few days, I thought it would be nice to get some initial feedback. If you do not like the feedback, that is fine too, but there is no need to be rude to @rebecca and me, the two strangers that were willing to help you.

Would you like one? I am still willing to do it.

@Paperok

Sure go ahead, I wasn't trying to be rude I was just saying I had no response because you guys had such valid points. But yeah if you have the time do it.

Deleted user

Wow, this looks like a great first start! One thing I noticed is that some sentences look like they could use a few more commas, like this one: "'Why do you make me suffer?' Paul coughs[,] rushing out of the bathroom and into the hallway[.] Beowulf follows[,] meowing loudly." That could just be my many, mAny English teachers' advice all muddling together, but sometimes more punctuation is better. You'd be surprised at the (small, but noticeable) difference it makes! Also, if you feel the story is too broken up into sentences, use the semicolon to make shorter sentences seem longer. Overall the story itself is really good, and your writing is great.