forum PATH (I need some help and critiques)

Started August 08, 2019 by @Spider-man

tune

I haven't finished the first chapter but I'm posting it here so that I'll definitely finish it. I posted the old first chapter and posted it here but decided to delete it and start over.

December 1st 3009
The single-file line was surprisingly short. Then again we only had 16 kids in our Month. I tried to mimic the smile I knew my brother had. Staring at the back of his white shirt while hiding twitchy hands behind my own. My eyes wandered. We haven't been given any directions from the 4 officials that littered the station.

The screens planted into the walls recycled a series of rules and inspirational sayings. Like “Stay behind the yellow line” “Your PATH will be clear soon!” and “You are the future.” The letters black on a white screen. The last two are mantras every child in the room has heard before. Bored of the signs I pulled my eyes back to my brother.

“Did you check your bag before leaving the house?” he said He ran his hand through his brown hair. The dark color identical to mine and today the style was as well. Straightened to the point of lifelessness. Just like how our parents wanted.

“Of course I did. It seems Alex listened to our wonderful parents. All formal clothes. He didn't even pack my notebook,” I said moving my hand to grip the strap of my backpack. Danny’s eyes widened as he followed my movements.

“Sophia, Tell me you didn’t,” He hissed. I rolled my eyes.

My smirk dropped when I saw Danny’s glare. “It’s not on the list. I’m allowed to take a notebook and some pencils.”

“Do you ever listen to Mother and Father? They told you to leave that at home,” He didn't seem mad now just annoyed.

“Can we please not do this right now. Do you want this to be the last memory we have of each other?” I blurted out. Danny deflated slightly as he sighed.

“We don't know that. It would be a great honor to be chosen, but they haven't chosen anyone in our district since well inventors know when,” He said a nervous smile on his face.

“Don’t worry, you’ll be chosen,” I said trying to bring back my smile. As I spoke a loud screech could be heard.
We turned to face the opening of the station. A giant hunk of white metal came to a stop causing the screech that filled the air. I watched my reflection in the tinted black windows. A blurry white blob in a line of white blobs. There were whispers all around us but my brother and I stayed silent. Mouths open and eyes wide as we started up at the monstrous machine. The doors swung open revealing a waiter behind the wheel. Two officials moved to stand on either end of the door.

The line finally began to move. Jessica Moore was first in line she reached out her arm. For the official to see. He scanned it with the device in his hand. Danny was getting his I'D ready in his watch I copied.

“I wonder what the drive will be like! Jacob said it's really bumpy and loud like the cars in old movies, ” I say making Danny turn around. Jared's our older cousin. When he took his PATH retreat he came back as an electrical engineer.

“No one remembers the ride or anything to do with the retreat. That's sort of the point, ” Danny explains. Talking like I'm a child.

“Are you calling Jared a liar?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“No, I am not calling our cousin a criminal. He probably just misremembered or dreamed of a bumpy car ride. Besides the cars in those movies ran on gas this bus is electric so it won't be that loud. Another great creation blessed by The Inventors.” Dan finished with a smile.

The line slowly moved forward. When it was finally my turn Danny had already disappeared. I showed the official my watch and he scanned it. Then he handed me a tiny box, Made from the sake shiny white metal as the bus. I stepped inside and sat next to my brother. The only seats left were at the back of the bus, in front of the wait section. He sat in the aisle seat leaving the window seat open for me.

“welcome District Salmas students of December 2996! You are a step closer to finding your PATH!” A woman said standing at the front of the bus. ”Now open up the box. Inside you should find 2 medical capsules. One will help with any nausea, you might feel during the ride. The other is the first dose of memory altercation. Please take both before we start our journey!”

I opened the box staring at the two small identical white pills. I turn to Danny and sigh.

“I know you said bye to everyone this morning and at the party yesterday, but one last time?” I asked my smile weakening. Danny leaned over and hugged me. My forehead resting on his shoulder. I grab a water bottle from my bag and took the pills. I looked over and saw that my brother and everyone else did the same. The bus started moving forward. I watched the houses slowly form into a single white line.

Ok, so I kind fo need help. I'm not sure what to do next. I feel like I haven't done enough world building but if i start before the trip it takes way too long. Does this beginning make sense? Like obviously you won't get some things until they are explained later but is it too confusing?