forum Opening scene... critiques anyone?
Started by @slightlyinsanewriter
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@slightlyinsanewriter

Please note that some stuff may make no sense, but it's an opening scene about 800 words, I can't explain everything

Axel was really starting to regret listening to Icarus. As he weaved through the warehouse, he wondered whatever possessed his will to come along. “I am never listening to you again!” he yelled furiously, sliding under a large metal crate.
“Not my fault!” Icarus yelled back, glancing over his shoulder. He counted about seven men, making sure that the timing for his next move was right. With a heavy push, Icarus sent an array of small knickknacks tumbling to the floor, forcing the oncoming guards to swerve to avoid them. “Left!” Icarus yelled, guiding Axel to the exit.
Unfortunately, he led both of them straight into a wall, scraping his arm in the process of running. “Now what?” Axel asked, running his hands through his light brown hair in agitation.
“No idea,” Icarus replied, out of breath from the chase. They would only have so much time before the guards found them, and he’d rather not be caught right before graduation. He tore a piece off his shirt and pressed it to the bleeding wound, annoyed with the amount of blood gushing out.
“Here!” A flashlight was suddenly shining on the duo, illuminating their startled faces.
~~
“Destruction of property, identity theft, breaking and entering… should I go on?” The police deputy drawled, glaring at the two fidgeting teens.
“Yes, please do,” Icarus said in fake politeness. His arm had been bandaged, a white gauze running around it.
He was met with a glare in return. “Listen here you two, it’s the day before your graduation- don’t give me that look, you’re wearing the senior uniform- so we’ll let you off with just a warning, no fine or anything. Now go home and get some sleep, it’s half past two in the morning. But one more slip-up and we’ll be forced to-”
Neither boys found out what would happen to them, because just then, the fire alarms went off, blaring obnoxiously. The sprinklers went off, spraying water on everyone, and the police station was put into complete chaos as the building was evacuated.
Grinning, Icarus pulled Axel into the hall and to a large window, which was conveniently wide open. “That’s our exit!” He claimed, while gracefully jumping out, landing on his feet. Axel was not nearly as graceful, stumbling when he landed. He could see that Icarus’s bandaged arm was bothering him, but, being Icarus, completely discarded his own safety in the heat of the moment.
“We should have a getaway driver coming soon… if she’s not late.” Icarus was practically jumping up and down with excitement, leading Axel to wonder what could possibly be so important as to make him so excited.
“Remind me again why we broke into the police warehouse?” Axel asked, silently hoping it wasn’t for something dumb, like a dare. Icarus was incredibly prideful and never backed down from a challenge. This, however, proved to be more of a weakness as it had led him to do rash, idiotic things to prove himself. Axel, being Icarus’s best friend, was often dragged along to said idiotic things.
“Nothing important,” Icarus answered, waving off Axel. “Just to make a copy of the keys for Demaria, she wanted them for… well, something.”
Axel gave Icarus an incredulous look. “We broke into the police warehouse, so you could impress the girl you’ve been fawning over for the past two months!?”
“She said she needed them!” Icarus defended poorly.
“If I said I needed a mansion, would you buy me one?”
“No, you’re a complete waste of time.”
“Gee, thanks. I feel so special, Ic.”
“Anytime, Axel.”
Just then, a bright yellow Mini pulled up to the curb. The window was rolled down, and Axel could see Demaria’s curly brown hair whipping in the wind.
Shaking his head, Axel reluctantly got in the back (Icarus demanded to be in the front), and watched as the police, soaked to the bone, found them pulling away from the curb. “Step on it!” he said, but it was unnecessary, for they had already shot down the street.
“Great job Icarus. Demaria. They totally won’t be able to find a bright yellow Mini out on the street in the middle of the night.”
Demaria only smirked slyly from the driver’s seat. Soon, they had lost the sirens due to excessive reckless driving, making Axel firmly believe that some part of his sanity had been yanked out of his brain.
She soon parked the small car in an abandoned alley, tossing a dust cover over it. “Not my car,” was all she said, as she left the keys- complete with a yellow smiley face- deep in a chink in the wall, along with a note. “It belongs to a friend. Figured I could borrow it for your great escape. I rigged up the fire alarms too.”
Icarus could barely hide his smile at her cleverness as he handed over the key copies. “Here’s the stuff you needed. What do you actually need the keys for?” He asked eagerly.
“I don’t actually need the key copies, Icarus.” She said, laughing lightly. “I had a bet that you wouldn’t be able to steal them. Looks like I won.” With that, she left the two, one of which had a dumbstruck expression on his face, the other with an I-told-you-so expression.
Breathing it, Axel was cut off by Icarus. “Don’t you dare say it, Vitali.” He warned.
“I told you so,” Axel said. He only got a groan in reply.

@TryToDoItWrite

Ha! The action is great! Axel and Icarus are v. interesting names and characters. as an opening scene, i like that the reader is immediately drawn into a scene, an action scene. It literally pulls us in and I like that!
I'm left with a lot of questions that you'll obviously have to answer later in your story/novel like:
What are the boys seniors of? What class or school? (im intrigued)
When/where is this set?
etc. etc.
There's a lot to work off of here and im sure your story is gonna be interesting!
On the more pickyish/technical side of the writing, I have to say that the little cut scene made the pacing very fast. I think it's because i needed more imagery once the offices caught them. Where did they take them? the police station, i see that in the writing now, but the pace was so quick that i lost track of where the characters were. You could add stuff in between about the driver there? or the walk there? see, I don't even know distance wise how much they moved.

I like the dialog and actions, but if you lose a sense of where the characters are, it's all very hard to picture. But seriously, that's all i've got!! It's a great opening scene, keep it up and keep writing!