@Cassiopeia
Okay! Hi! I'm L.C. for those of you who may or may not know me. I'm in need of a critique of a short scene, so I hope you like it. :)
A couple things to note about it, though.
- This would be preceded by other scenes, so in this context it doesn't make sense because it's isolated. :)
- I wrote this at 11:48 PM last night and my brain ceases functioning properly around 10:00 so…
- I've never written about babies, and I haven't lived with one for about 8 years either so forgive me if that's inaccurate/rusty.
TIA!
“We’re here.” Said Ethereal, cutting into the silence, Azariah had nearly forgotten she was there. “One hundred thirty-one on forty-first street.”
“Uh… Where?” Azariah asked, glancing around at the surrounding buildings. They looked the same. Boxes with A-framed roofs and white accents — Some cleaned better than others, he noticed.
“It’s that one.” She placed her hands onto his cheeks and turned his head towards the house — Their house. It differed from the others. But the similarities far outweighed anything that stood out. A-framed roof, browning brick, yellowed grass and off-white window frames smudged with dirt. It reminded him of the lower-class residences in Englaria, but somehow worse.
“Is this it?” He asked. It’s dirty and small, and… Well, there’s no way this is the entirety of his entire life’s savings is worth.
“Unless they gave me the wrong address. What exactly, pray tell, were you expecting? A five-star hotel?” Ethereal snapped at him, fumbling through her belongings for the keys to the house.
“Well, I uh… I was hoping for a place that maybe doesn’t resemble a slaughterhouse.” Azariah said, nonchalant as he continued to look over the house. The longer he looked, the more issues he saw. He wanted to ask for another one, impossible as the idea was. The baby shifted against his chest, he would wake up again soon.
“You’ll get what you’ll pay for, Azariah. That ‘slaughterhouse’ is what we paid for,” She said, finding her keys, and going to unlock the door. “Are you coming inside, or are you just going to stay out here and freeze?“
A small, frustrated squeak sounded from his arms, and Azariah’s eyes met with the baby’s blue ones. His face was scrunched up and slightly pink, it looked cute, loathe he was to say it.
“Hmm… I dunno. What do you think, Bitsy?” Azariah asked the baby, beginning to rock him, smiling and trying his hand at getting him to do the same. The child was unamused, and his eyes started to glisten. Here come the waterworks. Azariah thought bitterly as he began bouncing him instead.
“Wh-… Bitsy?”
Azariah rolled his eyes, “Yes, Bitsy! He has to have a name, right? Do you have a problem?” The kid’s bottom lip was quivering, he imagined this to be what defusing a bomb might feel like. He tried to rub his back but that, like his previous attempts, did nothing.
“I have a problem with it, and you know why? Because it’s horrendous.” Ethereal said, exasperated, she flung open the now-unlocked door and looked back to Azariah, “Now bring it into the house before it gets too cold.”
“Ouch. ‘It’? The only one who’s cold is you, Ice Queen.”
“Thanks. I really do try my best to keep it that way.” Ethereal smirked, “No, but seriously. We have unpacking to do. Hurry up and get inside.”
Some things I noted about it is that I don't think I'm doing well with tenses.
Anything else you guys have?
Again, thanks in advance for any help/advice you can give! <3
—L.C.