forum Looking for criticism!
Started by @Discombra
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@Discombra

WARNING: Blood.

“So! What’s the plan?” Dawne leaned casually across the bar table, picking through a bowl of chips.

“Well, I mean… it’s not a plan in the traditional sense-” Eden began to ramble.

“Wait, there is a plan, right?” Simon asked. Krista shook her head, giving a chuckle. The kid was new, he’d learn eventually that there’s never a plan.

“YES I have a plan!” The blonde leader growled, glaring daggers at Krista.

“Is it a well thought out plan?” Krista interjected. Eden’s plans were… difficult at best. And at worst, completely impossible and/or criminal.

“…I said I have a plan.” Krista smirked.

“Oh god, we’re gonna die.” Dawne whispered, and Krista rubbed her back to calm her. Wilbur chugged another mug of ale, muttering about being too sober for this. With that, the group downed the rest of their drinks and stood, ready to get this done and over with. Eden walked through the plan.

“I’ll enter the cave alone. Dawne, you’re with Wilbur hidden to my left.” Dawne nodded along, checking her gear and

“Krista, you just keep Simon alive. Just show him the ropes, but be ready for a signal.” Krista laid a firm hand on Simon’s shoulder, which he shook off.

“Everyone geared up?” Eden called, already heading towards the exit. A quick nod from the group sent the blonde leader into action, leading the group out of the tavern, and into the cavern.

Shimmying across a narrow ledge, Krista let her thoughts wander. This was their first mission in a while, due to the Institution’s lack of funds.

Eden held a hand up, pausing the group. A shadowed figure was floating in the center of the cave. The nephilim. Malachi.

“You here to finish me off, sweetheart?” The creature called over their shoulder. Eden chuckled.

“How’d you know?” Sarcasm dripped from her words.

“I figured one of the Institute’s brats would show up eventually” Malachi turned to face her, a scowl scarring an otherwise beautiful face. His silver eyes sparked with electricity. Eden smiled.

“Let’s dance.” Gripping her dagger, she leapt at Malachi.

The nephilim darted to the left, grabbing and throwing Eden a fair distance away. Eden let out a growl, before sprinting back to the nephilim, twirling and slashing with the elegance of a ballerina. Malachi’s wings sliced at the human, the teal feathers having sharpened and hardened into a steel-like substance. Malachi dodged and clawed at Eden, engaging in an almost beautiful dance with the female bounty hunter.

The group could only watch in subdued fascination as the pair’s murder tango sped up, limbs flying gracefully, bodies turning and bending to the tune of their blades cleaving the still atmosphere of the cave. Until it all stopped with a faint squelching sound.

Malachi released a hiss, wiping blood clear from a deep cut on his cheek. Eden grinned in triumph, twirling her dagger, ready to continue.

Malachi snorted, and raising his right hand, snapped his fingers.

A scream echoed across the cave. Then, silence.

Krista recoiled back in horror.

Where Eden had stood, there was only a pile of grey ash.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Simon roared, jumping out to face Malachi, the others joining him in facing the nephilim.

“Suppose that’s why you’re not supposed to use your most powerful attack first. Ah, well. Let’s fight.” Malachi beat his wings, propelling himself away from the ground.

Arrows flew through the air as both Dawne and Simon fired their crossbows from the ground. Krista pulled out her sword and shield, as Wilbur pulled out his war-axe.

Wilbur swung at the nephilim, attacking with brute force, while Krista expertly fenced her way forward. Malachi flew higher, two sets of wings beating to keep him up. Krista glanced to Wilbur, who gave a tight nod in response.

Krista began to run, sword poised to strike. Wilbur grabbed a foot and boosted her into the air.

Her sword whistled high as she flew across the room, aimed at the base of Malachi’s wings. She closed her eyes, bracing for impact.

A second scream. Krista opened her eyes.

Simon laid on the floor. Krista fell back as his head rolled away from his body. Dawne screamed.

Malachi watched in mute shock.

Wilbur ran, grabbing Dawne and fled the cave. He made a large arc around Krista. Tears ran down her face.

Malachi landed next to the broken girl.

“No no no no no…” She choked out, fighting back sobs. “My job… I hate you…” She yelled.

“Why? I’m lovely.” Malachi retorted, looking into the girl’s glassy eyes. He sighed. He lay a hand on her back, refreshingly gentle. Krista squirmed under his touch, uneasy at the monster’s supposed change of heart.

She missed the flash of an idea brighten Malachi’s eyes.

“You killed him. They will never take you back, will they?” Krista looked up at Malachi, her heart shattered. It hadn’t crossed her mind. She had killed Simon.

“I’ll always take you, even if they don’t,” Malachi whispered. “I understand what it’s like. It was an accident, wasn’t it?” Krista nodded, cradling Simon’s bloody head.

There was something to be said about power and pleasure. Any idiot could inflict pain, but it wasn’t this. Malachi smoothed his fingers over the back of Krista’s neck, pushing out the tension and dissolving it with a gentle steadiness as they dissolved all other resistance.

“Poor thing,” He muttered. “Just relax, you must be so tired. So hurt, hm?” Krista leaned into his body, letting his wings envelop her.

Humans weren't designed to fight what felt good to them. Pleasure had someone who was expecting a fight disoriented. To make some who hated you melt in your hand… That rush of power…

It was intoxicating.

“Shh, shh.” Malachi wiped the tears from Krista’s face with a delicate hand, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Krista ceased her sobs, looking up at Malachi, eyes wide.

“Please…”

“Please what?” Malachi waited. Waited for the final wall of resistance to crumble.

“Please keep me… Don’t throw me away…” Malachi smirked, lifting the broken girl in his arms, beating his wings to lift the two beings.

“Darling… You’re safe here.”

@TryToDoItWrite

Nice! Mind if I jump right in?
Things that stuck out while reading:

  1. “Well, I mean… it’s not a plan in the traditional sense-” Eden began to ramble.
    If you want, you can show her rambling a bit more before you trail off and say that she rambled.

  2. The kid was new, he’d learn eventually that there’s never a plan.
    These are two complete sentences. They can't be connected by only a comma. Either use a semicolon in the place of the comma or split it into two sentences.

  3. Krista let her thoughts wander. This was their first mission in a while, due to the Institution’s lack of funds.
    Don't state that she let her thoughts wander. You can just say what she was thinking. The rest is obvious.

  4. “WHAT DID YOU DO?!”
    I get trying to convey the emotion here, but less is more. I'd take that back to a "What did you do?" or "What did you do!"
  5. “No no no no no…” She choked out, fighting back sobs. “My job… I hate you…” She yelled.
    “Why? I’m lovely.” Malachi retorted, looking into the girl’s glassy eyes.
    This is just confusing. The dialog in general there didn't make sense.

  6. “Please keep me… Don’t throw me away…”
    The ending is a bit…too easy? I'd expect her to put up more of a fight to the dude who just murdered all her friends.

All in all, this had some really interesting stuff!! I think that the actions sequences got a bit confusing and I kept having to go back and re read to make any sense of it. Also, I'm still confused about who they are and what they were trying to accomplish at all. As characters they were left mysterious and aloof from the reader. You'll want to get the reader's emotions involved at little more, with a little more character development. I don't mean to be hyper critical, I just wanted to get this all to you so that you can edit with confidence!! I love lots of the things going on here! Keep it up and keep writing!