forum Let's critique eachother's work !

Started June 04, 2020 by @stolenbrocoli group

tune

Chapters, poems, characters, prologues, and anything you need help with :)

Ok I can send a link to one of my universes and you can critique whichever character you want if you're down for it. And I'm not great with poetry but I'd be happy to give my input :D

Coolio. Just send a link and I'll get on it. Lemme go fetch the poem rq.

Edit: Here ya go, dearie. https://www.notebook.ai/documents/109832

The New Age here's the link ! and i look forward to reading your poem :)

So I read it and it's honestly great. It evokes emotion and i think if it was a song it would definitely make me cry. (and i mean that in the best way possible) so overall this is really good and i think you're really talented and i would love to read any more poems that you'd be willing to share with me :D

That's perfectly fine ! You can get to them whenever you want it's really no rush and I appreciate that you want to be accurate. And I'm ecited to read your other poems !

Okay, let's do this. Do forgive me if this does naught to help or sounds slightly harsh:

Overview:

• Everything's good here, but you might want to consider adding how she got the name 23. It's an interesting nickname.

Looks:

• You put weight in the height's spot and vice versa. Just thought I'd let you know, lovely.
• Speaking of weight, do be sure to put the units, because while I could guess that you were using US Customary, some people may lack that common sense and get confused.
• Hair colour. Brown is very, very vague. Is it champagne brown? Cinnamon brown? Giving a specific shade will definitely help people visualize your character better. Especially since there's no gallery image.
• Messy bun. Nice style. But you should describe the length and texture of her hair perhaps. Is her hair really long when worn down? Is it silky? Is it frizzy? Curly? It makes it easier to envision the messy bun.
• Common mistake. But when it says "Race" it's talking about human, elf, ogre, and stuff like that. Not black, white, Asian, etc. If you want to put those there, you could perhaps consider adding an "Ethnicity" section.
• Perhaps you can describe the pale white just a little more. I tend to use words like alabaster or ivory when describing the skin colour of some of my white characters.
• When it comes to body type is not all that descriptive. What's her body shape? Hourglass? Rectangle? Pear? Is she an ectomorph or a mesomorph?

Clothing:

• Try and describe her "casual" clothing. Because the word alone provides no image of how she really dresses. Does she wear a simple pencil skirt and blouse? A nice little dress? Dress pants and a button-up?

Nature:

Where to begin…

• Not really a problem though you may want to consider breaking up your flaws section into major flaws and minor flaws. (I can provide a WIP of mine if you'd like an example)
• Perhaps consider adding mannerisms? Like how the character carries themself, body language in certain situations or when they're feeling a certain emotion.
• Since you have no backstory section, you may want to consider giving her one or fleshing out this section a lot more. Like, there are a few motivations that could be explained. Like, redemption save the world.
• Thinker. In no way is this a good personality description. It leaves people to guess what you mean by 'thinker'. I understand what you're trying to say, but that isn't really a complete personality. Is she quiet and reserved? Just, flesh it out. If you want you could even add a Meyers-Briggs personality type to the description (Note: That alone won't cut it though. People are more than just their assigned personality type).
• You should consider giving her some talents and prejudices. I can (again) provide an example if desired.

Social:

• You should fill out things like her favourite food, colour, possession, etc. as well as why. It'd help flesh out the character a bit more knowing these things.
• You spelled 'independent' wrong.

History:

• You should consider adding a background section. It doesn't have to be anything super-duper fancy, but a little insight into how she grew up, what she was like growing up, formative experiences, and stuff like that would help get to know her better.

Summary:

To summarize things, she really just needs to be fleshed out, but you've got a good base going.

Thank you for the feedback ! I was honestly hoping you wouldn't choose her because i haven't really put much work into her (mainly because i had no clue what else to do) and your suggestionsare really gonna help me get more direction on what to do so thank you so much ! this was very helpful :D

Ah! I'm so glad I helped. :)

Supernatural: Dark Easter

Prologue

Midford, Michigan
Wintergreen Park
Sunday April 13, 2014

Kids scurried around laughing, searching for easter eggs. Lola Grey was bent over, searching a bush. The warm spring sun hung in the sky, smiling happily as it warmed the people below. It was a week from Easter, yet the parents in Midford had decided that the entirety of Midford’s populace would have their Annual Easter Egg Hunt early due to the lovely weather.

Lola knelt in her white floral dress to pick up a plastic green egg. Her blonde hair was put back in a ponytail, held together by a pink ribbon. Her parents sat back with the other parents, chattering, and would occasionally help with the search.

Lola had a total of ten eggs in her bucket so far. She moved off to pick up a little blue egg. As she reached for it a scream ripped the air apart. It was the high wailing sound of another kid. She didn’t pay attention to it, for she knew that fights were common. It wasn’t until she looked over after the yelling of parents was heard that she felt that something was wrong.

She looked up to see that Mrs. Haynes was busy attempting to yank her son, Billy, from vines that seemed to come up from nowhere. Billy wasn’t the only one trapped in plants. Chaos erupted and screams for help rang out. Kids and now adults alike were being grabbed by the plant-life. Poor Billy and Mrs. Haynes now looked as if they were being pulled down into the earth.

Lola felt something wrap around her ankle. She was suddenly yanked off of her feet, her eggs went rolling across the grass, and started to scream for help from anyone that could. Walter Green rushed over. He lived across the road, and was luckily outside tending to his garden. He took his garden shears, and freed Lola from the grip of the vine.

Soon all the screams ended, and in the wake of the murderous plants there were left people in the earth, children crying and screaming for their mommies and daddies that had been swallowed up by the earth, and parents weeping for the loss of their children, husbands, wives, brothers, or sisters. Mrs. Haynes was kneeling on her knees, her face in her hands, crying inconsolably for the loss of Billy. Those that managed to get free gawked in awe and horror at the scene before them. None of them were aware of the danger that had just worked it’s way into the city. It was just the beginning.

@SupernaturalSyGuy This is really good ! there's a great sense of mystery here. The only thing i would change is "parents weeping for the loss of their children, husbands, wives, brothers, or sisters." to "adults weeping for the loss of their children, husbands, wives, brothers, or sisters." because if it was just parents, mentioning the spouses and siblings seems a bit off topic? if that's the right phrase to describe it? other than that this is great :D

Okay…. Thanks. I'm glad that you liked it, but tell me why you liked it!

There's more to this that I do, in fact, plan on sharing.

I liked that it started off very sweet and innocent and quickly turned into a tragic event. It gives just enough information to hint at what's going on in the story (i assume) but not enough to give away crucial details. Also, you added in certain things that were very detailed, like the amount of eggs and the colors of them that she collected and the color of her dress and ribbon. I think that these kind of details, while they might seem pointless to some, add an extra level of eeriness (whether or not that was your intention). And i think that the tragedy you introduced will really pull readers in because tragedy, at least to me, is one of the best ways you can introduce a story.

One

Once again, Sam and Dean Winchester were on the road. Three days had passed since their last hunt; too long, and Sam was looking for a new one to occupy their time. Sam’s long, brown hair was gently being blown by the wind that was coming through the cracked open window. He was wearing a plaid button down shirt. Currently his green eyes were checking on blogs from a website.

“Dean, I think I might have found something.”

“You’re not still on that blogging site, are you?” Dean mumbled. He didn’t believe following an internet blog, most likely run by teenagers gossiping about claimed paranormal events, would be helpful. He wasn’t as tall as his younger brother, but his own brown hair was short. His brown leather jacket hugged him as he drove. Underneath the jacket he too wore a plaid button down shirt. It was open to reveal a military green tee-shirt. Both brothers wore blue jeans, and brown work boots.

“Actually, I’ve been looking through this guy’s blog. He knows what he’s talking about. This last update of his is from yesterday. ‘Possible Demonic activity ‘springing up’ here in quiet ol’ Midford. Message me if you have info, leads will be rewarded.’” Sam read off of his laptop. “I think this might be something. There’s another one from today.”

“‘Local sources have informed me that the attack was at the Annual Egg Hunt. Children and adults were seen being sucked into the ground by vines by W. Green. There have been disappearances reported from this event, and one more incident has occurred in an elderly woman’s garden as her grandchildren were celebrating the holidays. Please, only those with serious paranormal experience.’”

Dean sat and drove in silence. He seemed to be thinking, for a furrow between his eyebrows had creased together yet again.

“So a few plants go venus flytrap on people. You’re right, might be a case, but strange things that weren’t in our range of work have happened before.”

“I know that Dean. Still, there just has to be something going on there. Except for venus flytraps, that I know of, plants don’t just kill on their own. You do realize that a venus flytrap is a plant, right?” Sam asked. Immediately after he had asked this, he regretted it. Dean turned to face him slowly, a smirk on his face.

“Mr. College Boy thinks that he knows everything. Of course I knew what a venus flytrap was! Just because you went to college doesn’t mean that you can rub your smarts all up in peoples faces, Sammy!”

Sam sat silently in his seat, looking for anything else on the blog. Despite everything that they had gone through, Dean still enjoyed making fun of Sam for going to Stanford. He knew that somewhere, deep down, that Dean was proud of him. It didn’t need to be said.

“I think we should follow this guy’s lead. Midford’s not far from here anyways. If it turns out to be a bust we can just keep moving. We could always go directly to him for info too. His name’s Blake Rivera. Someone’s bound to know where he lives,” Sam concluded.

Dean turned the black 1967 Chevy Impala towards Midford. AC/DC’s ‘Long Way to the Top If You Want To Rock N Roll’ played through the car’s stereo system.

“Then whatever’s in Midford better look out, because the Winchesters are coming to town.”
___________________

Wayne Goodright stood outside on the porch. He was busy examining his own garden, and he was the only one outside.

“Damn it.” He said as he noticed that some of the leaves from his carrots were bit off. “Fucking rabbits!” He moved off of the porch to get a closer look. Looking at the dirt, he noticed that there were tracks from bunnies in his garden, along with rabbit turds. He saw a patch of gray fur from the corner of his eye, stood up, and kicked at the rabbit.

“Go on, get! Get out of my garden!” The bunny tumbled when he kicked it, got back up, looked at Wayne, and tilt it’s head, nose twitching. One of the bunny’s feet started pounding the earth. Soon Wayne found himself surrounded by rabbits on all sides.

The ones in front of him started to hop toward him, forcing him to back away. As Wayne was backing away, he tripped. The rabbits quickly covered the distance to get to him. Wayne started to scream as their teeth dug into his flesh. His screams could barely be heard, for the rabbits had tore out his vocal cords. Wayne started to choke on his blood. His blood was leaking out of him from several spots. He tried to fight them off, but there were just too many for him to fend off. Soon the pain from being bit so many times lessened, and things were starting to get fuzzy. His head felt heavy, and then things went dark. The rabbits scurried off. Wayne Goodright's corpse would not be found until his daughter, Beki, would come by on her motorcycle to visit.
___________________

A man with short, spiked white hair sat watching the news. His left eye was blue-green, and his right eye was brown. His skin was a slight bronze color. He wore a plain black shirt, black jeans, and black shoes. A tall glass of Dr. Pepper on the rocks sat next to him on a small folding table. He sat back in his gray leather chair. Two of the windows were open, allowing the soft, warm April air to walk through his house. The story of the mysterious incident at the Egg Hunt had been on the air repeatedly. It seemed that everyone was shocked at the events happening; they had every right to be. This man, however, kind of knew what was really happening.

I’d help, but I’ve put that sort of thing behind me a long time ago, he thought.

First off, i just wanna say that i think you stayed very true to the characters, which i love seeing with stories that are based on shows, books, and movies. Great job with that !
But i do have a couple of notes.
-This is by no means necessary, but maybe describe the color of their flannels? It obviously not needed but i personally like very detailed scenery and descriptions, like i said in my previous comment. But that's just a preference of mine to it's nothing to worry about.

-“I know that Dean. Still, there just has to be something going on there. Except for venus flytraps, that I know of, plants don’t just kill on their own. You do realize that a venus flytrap is a plant, right?” Sam asked. Immediately after he had asked this, he regretted it. Dean turned to face him slowly, a smirk on his face.
“Mr. College Boy thinks that he knows everything.–
It's obviously Sam talking in the first chunk, so i think you should keep everything pertaining to Dean in a different chunk, where he's the one talking. for example:
“I know that Dean. Still, there just has to be something going on there. Except for venus flytraps, that I know of, plants don’t just kill on their own. You do realize that a venus flytrap is a plant, right?” Sam asked. Immediately after he had asked this, he regretted it.
Dean turned to face him slowly, a smirk on his face. “Mr. College Boy thinks that he knows everything.–

-I think there are some things you could change to make things flow a bit better, like "Wayne Goodright stood outside on the porch. He was busy examining his own garden, and he was the only one outside." to "Wayne Goodright stood outside on the porch, busy examining his own garden. He was the only one outside." and stuff like that.

-Also, just to note, rabbits' mouths are very small. So maybe change that. Describe how their mouths opened unnaturally wide to feast on their abuser. Once again, I'm a sucker for details, and in certain situations, they can make a gory scene even gorier.

Other than those, this is great ! I can practically picture how this would all flow in an episode and you stayed really true to the nature of the show !

As my username and profile pic suggest, I am a fan of the series (I've seen every single episode so far, including the anime version), so to hear (or read in this case) that I have their personalities down is great to know! Thanks for the suggestions on how to improve this chapter, I shall use them in the next draft!

I'm happy I could help ! I'm a fan of the series to, but sadly I haven't gotten around to finishing it, I get distracted by other shows, not to mention THERE ARE SO MANY SEASONS. I might get back around to finishing it. Thanks for reminding my of it :D

Two

The entire city was on edge after the easter egg hunt gone wrong. Few people would set foot on their lawns, and the park laid vacant with the remnants of banners from the disastrous day still hanging, along with discarded baskets and plastic eggs scattered among the grass. Sam made note of the few people who were out as they parked in front of a gas station.

“I’m going to go ask the cashier if they know who Blake Rivera is.” Sam told Dean as he unbuckled.

“And I’ll meet you in there after I fill Baby up.” Dean nodded in agreement. Deciding to leave his brother with his beloved car, Sam entered the vacant gas station, quickly spotting the lone cashier stocking a shelf of chips.

“Excuse me?” The man turned as he heard Sam. He was the typical young teenager with greasy hair and brown eyes.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah. I was wondering, do you know a guy by the name of Blake Rivera?” Sam questioned him. A tiny chuckle escaped the teen’s lips.

“Who doesn’t know him? If something happens in this town, he’s the one to know where, why, and how. Did you need him for something?”

“We’re investigating an incident that happened here at an annual easter egg hunt.” Sam replied. The teen’s smile dropped from his face and a flicker of fear crossed his eyes as he nodded curtly.

“Blake’s your guy. Knows everything that goes on around here. If you’re looking to talk, he lives in apartment 301 at Meadowbrooke. It’s three blocks down the road; big sign and everything, can’t be missed.”

Dean walked in, and immediately started for the beer. He pulled out a six-pack, walked over to where the pies were, grabbed one, and went to the counter to pay. He had to beg Sam for some extra money, for he had lost some during a game of poker. Sam walked out back to the car, and got in his seat. Dean followed a few seconds later.

“Get any info outta the guy?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, I got Rivera’s address.”

“Good, let’s roll.” Dean said, getting into his usual spot in Baby.

The apartment complex the cashier informed Sam of is one like any other with brown brick walls, and green roofing. There are three stories to the building, with apartment 301 being the first on the third floor. At the door a beautiful young woman with curves, long dark hair pulled into a ponytail, and mint green eyes opens the door. She’s wearing a bright coral tank top revealing the tribal designs tattooed on her biceps, and camo patterned capris revealing the ones on her ankles with her lack of foot wear. The young woman looked between the two brothers with an eyebrow raised in question before answering.

“Hello?”

Dean pulls out his very realistic, but fake FBI badge. Sam had made sure that they were the badges being used for that month and week. Sam had done likewise, and they were both wearing suits.

“Agents Young and Perry. Could we please speak to Blake Rivera? He’s not in trouble or anything. We just need to ask him a few questions.”

The young woman glanced between the two again, attempting to control the grin growing on her face before she was forced to lean against the door as a series of giggles tumbled past her lips. For a minute it continued until she held out her hands in apology.

“Hold on a second.” Her voice broke with laughter. “Oh, you think you’re clever, don’t you?” With a wide grin, she threw the door open. “Make yourselves at home, boys. Can I get you anything to drink?”

Dean looks confused while Sam stands there, stone faced. They both walk in, taking off their footwear.

“Water would be fine, thanks,” Sam says, still standing. Dean also remains standing.

“We’re still on the clock; will be until we know what happened.” Dean says, his face back to normal. “Where’s Mr. Rivera, and who are you?” He continued.

“Keep your pant’s on, doll, and chill for a second.” The young woman responded as she thrusted a glass of water into Sam’s hand before falling to sit on the couch with a tiny oof. Her sitting posture resembles a guys, seeing as she prefers sitting with her legs in different time zones. “So, you want to talk to a ‘Mr. Rivera.’”

“That’s correct,” Dean says while sitting down.

“When will he be back?” Sam asks. Once again the woman began to snicker at the two till the point where she bent forward.

“Oh, boy, you should hear yourselves.”

Sam finally gets it. He sets his glass down on a coaster, and looks at her. “There is no ‘Mr.’ Rivera, is there? Because he doesn’t exist, which would make you Blake.” Dean looks at Sam, surprised.

“Half right, half wrong.” The woman smiled. “I am Blake Rivera, but there is a ‘Mr. Rivera,’ because that’s what I go by too.”

“Well then, let’s get to why we came to see you. What do you know about what happened at the easter egg hunt?” Dean asks, cutting straight to the chase.

“Ooh, sorry, doll. Can’t tell you that so easily.” Blake leaned back on her couch.

“By not answering that question, you’re impeding on an ongoing federal investigation. By doing that, Ms. Rivera, we are legally obligated to take you into custody.” Sam says, standing up and pulling out a zip-tie. Dean just sits there, face as still as ever.

“I don’t let my boyfriend do bondage, so I’m not letting you either, toots.” Blake's face hardened to a glare. “I’m not stupid. I know you’re not feds.” Both brothers look at her, clearly surprised, but their faces remained still.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dean says. Sam looks at her, directly in the eyes.

“Now you’re accusing not one, but two federal agents of impersonating federal agents; that’s something else that can go on your record, and in the report,” Sam says.

“Hell, we’ll even say in the report that you’re responsible for what happened.” Years of hunting has made them very skilled liars, so they could convince just about anyone with ease. Blake fidgeted, attempting to make herself comfortable with her hands behind her head, reaching behind the couch.

“Tell you what, if you really are feds, then call your buddies and tell them about this.” In a split second Blake had a gun pointed directly at Dean, and a second at Sam. “And before you ask, I’m a damn good shot.”

“Oh good, now we can add threatening to kill to the charges as well! That’s an awfully long time in federal prison.” Dean says. He slowly reaches for his phone. Blake gives him a warning look. “Easy now, just my phone.” He calls Bobby.

“FBI, Agent Willis.” Bobby says in his gruff voice.

“Agent Willis, it’s Agent Young. Agent Perry and I need you to speak with someone.” He sets the phone down on the table, and sets it on speaker mode. “We’re good to go.”

“FBI, Agent Willis. To whom am I speaking with, and why do you got my agents calling?”

“How about you quit treating me like a chump and admit you’re fucking hunters, pretty boy?” Blake is glaring, her eyes turning a menacing yellow. “I’ve already got one ass to beat on my list for today. I don’t want another or his daddy getting in the way.”

“Well, you two idgits have fun. I’m not taking part in this.” Bobby says before hanging up. Sam looks at her, and lets out a sigh.

“Alright, fine, you’ve got us. We’re hunters.” Dean glares at him now.

“Way to just give up, Sam!” Dean snaps.

Blake’s eyes calm down to their mint green and she drops the guns, once more relaxing against the couch.

“That’s better. Now get the hell out until you learn some damned manners.”

Dean quickly whips out his gun and aims it her.

“We’re not going anywhere, not until you tell us what we want to know!” Sam stands off to the side, knowing how drastic Dean can be. He keeps his mouth shut though, and allows the scene to play out. Sam knew that this could end one of two ways: Dean gets tackled, making him fire his automatic, or Blake would realize the danger that she’s in, and tell them what they want to know. He then realized that there were actually multiple ways that this could go.

“Go ahead and shoot. If you do you’ll be drawing attention to yourselves, police will do background checks thanks to my little friend in there, they’ll discover you’re not feds in no time, and you’ll be on the run.” Blake responded, not moving from her spot. “Now I’ll say this once more; get out. I have a friend coming over, and he will freak and call cops if he sees you, fed badges or not.”

“Hmmm…. Nope, don’t think so; built in silencer,” Dean says.

“Suppressor,” Sam corrects him.

“Huh?”

“Suppressor, remember, dad taught us that they’re actually called suppressors, not silencers.” Sam explains.

“Right, whatever.” Dean had been eyeing Blake down now. “Let’s try this again. What do you know about what happened at the egg hunt thing?”

“I know that you’re a whiny little bitch.” Blake retorted.

Dean adjusts his aim down to the cup that Sam had, which was now empty, and pulls the trigger. A small ‘pop’ noise is heard at the same time that the glass breaks. He aims the gun back at her.

“You sure that you want to mess with us now?”

“You really will be much better off by telling us. You tell us, we leave, take care of what’s going on, and then we leave Midford. That’s it, I swear.” Sam tries reasoning.

A high pitch scream sounds from the doorway. Sam turns around, slightly startled to see a teen with dark blue hair trembling against the door frame. He’s small with a lithe frame and thick glasses shielding his bright blue eyes which are starting to leak tears at the slightest as he mumbles about guns and feds, voice increasing in pitch as he breaks down.

“Now look at what you’ve gone and done!” Blake snapped at them as she strode over to the tiny teen, pulling him into a hug as she strokes his hair. “There, there. It’s ok, Cesar.” The boy cries harder into her shoulder, shaking. “Happy now? You went and gave him a nervous breakdown! Shame on you, doing that to the sweet little guy.”

“You carry part of the blame too. All you had to do was tell us what you know!” Dean snaps at her. Sam just nods in agreement.

“And you didn’t have to be a damned ass about it!” Blake snaps back, still holding Cesar who is trembling, eyes wide in fear. “If I just go around telling people shit, then amateurs are going to go and get themselves killed! It’s not easy being an informant. If you were wise, you would know better than to start cracking threats and tell the truth!”

Sam looks at her. “Wait, an informant? As in you tell other hunters about cases? If that’s true, then you must have heard of the Winchesters.” Dean is still aiming at her. “Dean, put the gun away, will ya?” Dean now glared at him. Due to how long it has been since Dean had actually last worked with their dad, he had gotten used to doing what he wanted. Sure, he’d go hunt something down if his dad called and asked him to or left coordinates for him to use, but before he got Sam from Stanford, Dean had grown used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted.

“Last time I checked, Sam, I was the big brother, not you! Shut your trap!” He hesitantly puts his gun away after putting the safety on anyway.

“Thank you. Now sit your ass down, and be good.” Blake guides Cesar to the couch where she sets him down. “I’ll go get you something for that anxiety of yours, toots.” His voice squeaks as he cries out when she goes to the kitchen, revealing his distinct Irish accent.

“Don’t leave me here with these maniacs! They’ll kill me!” He glances at the Winchesters, trembling, and curls his legs in towards his chest.

“Damnit, I hate it when we have to work with other hunters.” Dean snarls out at Sam.

“I know Dean. I was just as surprised as you were when she said that she knew we were hunters.”

“At that, how did she know?”

“I have no clue how.”

“We just know.” Cesar mumbles quietly, still trembling. “After so much you have to know; have to know to survive.”

“Calm down, doll.” Blake walks back in with an orange, fizzing drink. She hands it to Cesar, who accepts. “Drink that; it’ll calm you.” She sits by him, and rubs his back gently as he drinks. “Did you come over for something?” Cesar glances at the Winchesters, then back to Blake, who nods understanding. “Right. I’ll come over as soon as I shake these two off my tail.”

“The only way you’ll do that, dollface, is by telling us what we want to know.” Dean says. He receives a look from Sam that says that it probably wasn’t a smart idea to call her ‘dollface’.

“Winchesters or not, you need to learn some fucking manners!” Blake snaps back.

“Blake, please. He’s acting out again. I don’t know why, but I don’t like it.” Cesar is still shaking. Blake rolls her eyes.

“Well, you’re the one who was a genius and said ‘lets keep it.’”

“I didn’t know he’d do that!” Cesar blushes. “How on earth did you even pull me into all this?”

“I think it had to do with a ghoul in your closet and deciding you needed to learn to protect yourself.”

“How ‘bout this; fair trade. We get rid of the ghoul, you tell us what you know.” Dean suggests, not wanting to pass on a small, easy hunt.

“It is a fair trade.” Sam admits. Blake let out a ‘ha’ of amusement.

“Cesar probably wishes it were a ghoul in his closet. We took care of that two years ago, obviously.”

“Alright, then what’s the problem?” Sam asked, wanting to help.

“Not something we trust you with, obviously, or anything we need you shooting. Just a little project that’s a bit stressful on Cesar.” Blake stated as she rubbed Cesar’s tear stained face.

Dean was starting to get irritated by the situation. Though he really didn’t want to hit a girl, he was thinking about punching Blake.

“Look, you want us out, right? All you have to do is tell us what you know, and we’ll leave.” He looked at Cesar. “Though, if it’s something that we could deal with, we’d be happy to help,” he said.

Cesar looked fearfully at the Winchesters, then at Blake, whispering quietly to her.

“Do you think they would know anything about-?” Blake cut him off, hissing harshly.

“I doubt they would know, and if they did they would want him dead. Where would that put your slithering little project?” Cesar gulped nervously.

“But if they could help?”

“They came in with lies. That does not earn them our trust.” Blake concluded. “I follow my father’s policies.”

Dean groaned. “Look, if you really are a hunter, then you’d know just as well as we do that lying is a part of the job. Besides that, how were we to know that you were in the business?”

“Dean’s got a point. Lying is a necessary habit to have when you’re a hunter. It’s how we get information on what’s possibly going on,” Sam said.

“Because I have a fucking blog that said ‘do not contact on this hunt without previous experience’ jackass.” Blake glared. “And you know what? My dad was a hunter and he never told a single lie. He got around just fine. Cesar’s mom and dad too. Not a single one of them lied. But you know what? You’re damned lucky because I’m willing to give you another shot. Want to prove you’re not trigger happy bitches? Follow us.” Blake pulled Cesar, who stumbled in confusion, towards the door.

“B-but what if he?” Cesar stuttered.

“Good. It’ll teach them a thing or two.” Blake hissed as she yanked the door open, glaring back at the Winchesters. “Come on.” The brothers put their shoes back on, and started to follow the pair down the hall. A couple apartments down, Cesar took out the keys to his apartment, shaking as he opened the door.

“Watch your step. He’s been getting stronger lately.”

“Tell anyone about what we’re about to show you, and you’ll regret it.” Blake warned them before leading them in.

“Don’t turn on the lights.” Blake warned Dean as he noticed him reach for the switch. “He doesn’t like it when you turn them on without warning.”

“Who’s ‘he’ exactly?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, it’d be nice to know what we’re about to deal with here,” Dean stated.

“Do you like snakes?” Blake asked as they led the Winchesters further into the dark apartment after the door was closed. A rustling could be heard behind a door they assumed to be Cesar’s bedroom.

“I don’t think he liked my sudden departure.” Cesar whispered cautiously. “Maybe we should wait.”

“Don’t worry. I have a dose of paralyzer in my pocket; should be the right strength this time.” Blake assured him.

“I’ve heard that one before.” Cesar retorted. Dean and Sam stopped walking.

“A snake? You brought us here for a sake? C’mon Sam, we’ll try getting info from someone else.” Dean said, turning around to walk out, irritated that they were about to help with something as trivial as an escaped snake. Blake chuckled at the remark.

“You’ll be missing out on a real wonder then. You see, this snake is a bit bigger than your average snake.”

Dean continued to walk out, but Sam stayed where he was.

“I am kind of curious. Let’s stay and see this.” Dean turned to look at Sam.

“Really, are you freaking kidding me, Sam? It’s just a waste of time. Who knows, more things could be happening around here, things that are more up our alley.”

“I am serious Dean; I want to try to help. Besides, it is a chance to prove to Blake that we can be trusted.”

“Fine! We’ll stay and ‘help’ them with their snake problem.” Dean said, coming back in. Blake chuckled as Cesar opened the door cautiously, peeking in before opening it further.

“Jermain? It’s me and Blake. We brought others too, so d-don’t be alarmed.”

Cesar shook as the slithering noise could be heard again as two pinpricks of yellow flashed dangerously at them, followed by a hissing sound.

“I’m going to turn the lights on now.” Cesar reached for the switch and flipped it on. Inside was what appeared to be a coiled mass of scales, closer inspection revealed it to be the gigantic torso of what looked like a gold and green snake. At the head of the body though was the torso of a tanned man with golden eyes, and shoulder length, dark brown hair. The man wore an expression of anger as he hissed loudly, showing his sharp fangs to Cesar as his tail shot out to wrap around his ankle. Cesar yelped in shock, but was pulled back by Blake who managed to pull him out of the tail’s grip.

“I’ve got ya, doll. Don’t worry.” Blake assured him before looking at the man. “And you, take a chill pill.” The man recoiled, slowly calming. “That’s better. You weren’t kidding. He really is moody.”

Sam and Dean backed up due to surprise. Dean started to reach for his gun, but Sam stopped him.

“What the hell is that thing?” Dean asked.

“A naga.” Blake replied smugly. “Four-hundred fifty pounds, and over forty feet long. We found him when we took a trip to Greece with the professor. He was snatching up kids for food, so we brought him home with us to study his kind. He was doing pretty good at first, but lately he’s been acting up.”

“I’ve tried calming him, but the moment I let my guard down he grabs me!” Cesar claimed. “I can’t get a wink of sleep with him around anymore.” Blake looked around the room.

“Pretty cold in here, don’t you think?”

“The AC won’t shut off, and I can’t call anyone to fix it with that.” Cesar pointed at the naga whose expression had turned to one of confusion. Blake chuckled.

“I know why he’s been grabbing you. He’s cold.”

“Cold?” Cesar smacked his forehead realizing his mistake. “Of course! Ugh, I feel like a bumbling idiot now!” He mumbled in embarrassment. Blake chuckled.

“Jermain must have just recognized your higher body heat and decided to use it to his benefit.”

Sam started to walk out.

“Where ya goin’ Sam?” Dean asked.

“I’m getting the tool box from the car.” Both of them had learned how to repair air conditioning units, for they have stayed in many a motel room where the AC either wouldn’t turn off, wouldn’t turn on, or didn’t cool the air enough. A few moments later he was next to the unit, repairing it.

Cesar glanced over to him as he noted various vital signs and other data of the naga who had coiled his long tail around him. Cesar seemed uncomfortable with it, but was more trusting of the creature now that he knew it’s reasoning. “Thank you. You didn’t have to do that, you know.”

“Yeah, but it’s the least we could do.” Sam said.

“Don’t want the naga to kill you or something while just trying to get warm.” It seems like it’s been tamed, but still, things could happen, Dean thought, still wary of the creature before them. “Out of curiosity, any security measures?”

Cesar fidgeted. “I can always use tranquilizer, and we have the needs necessary if things were to go beyond our control. He doesn’t normally live with me, to tell you the truth. The professor went on a trip, and I’m the only student with the medical experience who can care for Jermain.”

“The professor?” Sam asked. He was kind of worried that Dean would try doing something. Dean was kind of unpredictable at times, and that meant that Sam had to pay close attention to what was going on around them at all times. Though, there have been times where Sam himself had done things that he usually wouldn’t do.

“Guy knows everything about everything.” Blake responded. “He takes us and the others on trips around the world so that we can learn about the different breeds of monsters.”

“There’s a lot to learn about.” Sam says, putting tools away. “There, this should work a lot better now.” The air conditioning unit is now off, allowing the room to gradually warm.

“That should improve his mood.” Cesar noted, finishing his notes as he stepped out of the Naga’s hold. “I really hope the professor returns soon though; I’m not accustomed to this arrangement.”

“Well, he shouldn’t be too bad to deal with. He seems pretty docile to me.” Sam said. Dean, who was standing by the door, opened it and started back down the hall.

“C’mon Sam, I doubt that Blake will tell us what we want to know, so we might as well try getting the information somewhere else.”

Sam held the tool box in one hand, and started to follow his brother.

“You always this impatient, toots?” Blake huffed, annoyed. “If you were to wait a second, you wouldn’t go jumping in head first like a buffoon and listen to me.”

Dean turned back to face her, a smirk on his face. My plan on getting her to tell us worked, he thought, and went back into the apartment. “I take it that you’ve decided to clue us into things.”

Sam had walked back in before his brother could. “Please, continue,” Sam said.

“No one should be going after this creature.” Cesar cut in grimly. “Not until the professor returns. I told you not to go blogging about it.”

“Good income comes from this kind of stuff.” Blake argued. “Who knew we’d have killer plants? What’s next? Rabbits? Whole town is going haywire.”

Dean looked at them. “We already knew about the plants. As for waiting for this professor of yours, not happening. Waiting means allowing time to pass. Time passing means more dead people,” he replied.

“Mass hysteria could break out as well. People are already nervous.” Sam told them. “That would only worsen the problem,” he concluded.

“And going about questioning people and splashing holy water on them won’t?” Cesar raised an eyebrow at them. “This is serious. People are missing, and I say we sit tight, keep people from doing anything stupid, and wait for him to return.”

“What part of people dying did you not understand?” Dean asked, annoyed that people that claimed to be hunters would sit back and allow all hell to break loose. “That, and we’re damn good at our jobs!” He stormed out.

“Sorry, we’re just not ones to procrastinate on the jobs that we do. Every single moment that we waste doing nothing, is another moment that something could happen.” Sam said before going after Dean.

“Suit yourselves. We’re not responsible for your lives.” Blake shrugged. The Winchesters continued down the hall, to the Impala, and off to speak with one of the witnesses.

So the main problem I'm seeing is the dialogue chunk thing. The same thing i said before.

Sam looks at her. “Wait, an informant? As in you tell other hunters about cases? If that’s true, then you must have heard of the Winchesters.” Dean is still aiming at her. “Dean, put the gun away, will ya?” Dean now glared at him. Due to how long it has been since Dean had actually last worked with their dad, he had gotten used to doing what he wanted. Sure, he’d go hunt something down if his dad called and asked him to or left coordinates for him to use, but before he got Sam from Stanford, Dean had grown used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted.

Take this paragraph for example. It a little bit hard to follow who's saying what because of how much is going on.

Sam looks at her. “Wait, an informant? As in you tell other hunters about cases? If that’s true, then you must have heard of the Winchesters.”
Dean is still aiming at her.
“Dean, put the gun away, will ya?” Sam demanded.
Dean now glared at him. Due to how long it has been since Dean had actually last worked with their dad, he had gotten used to doing what he wanted. Sure, he’d go hunt something down if his dad called and asked him to or left coordinates for him to use, but before he got Sam from Stanford, Dean had grown used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted.

This would be a much better way of organizing it because it's always clear who's talking.

Other than that, it's great :)

Also i've got a couple chapters that could use critiquing if anyone's up to it?
Chapter one

Chapter two

i turned comments on so anything that you think might need correcting, you can just comment if thats easier for you !

I'd be delighted to read, critique, and suggest edits (if you need that too) later tonight around 10pm EDT!

Thank you ! I'm open to all suggestions and if you have any questions I'd be happy to answer :D

😁 Same to you Sammie! Feel free to call me Sy…. There's 9 chapters to Dark Easter, 10 counting the prologue, and I do plan on sharing all that I have for it.