forum Let me know what you think and what I need to change :)

Started January 09, 2023 by @FallenSinAza

tune

(heres the first page of a story I'm writing, is it to vague? Should I go slower instead of trying to speed through the story)
I sat in the theater, my mind clear and enjoying the movie. Suddenly there was a bright flash and my ears were ringing, everyone was screaming and it seemed like it was in slow motion. Multiple bright flashes happened and I suddenly felt someone pushing me to the ground, what was all this noise? I saw a man standing in a dark corner with flashes around him, was he okay? What was going on? Just a few hours before I was making plans to go to the movie, I saw a girl from school there going alone so I invited her to sit with me since I was also going alone. Where was she? Then, all of a sudden, everything went back to normal and nothing was slow motion and I could tell what was happening. There was a shooting. I didn’t feel any pain, I just felt wet, I looked down and saw my clothes were completely covered in blood. Who's blood? It didn’t matter, I had to get out. I stood quickly and started for the door, I could hear sirens, we were saved. I suddenly heard another shot and I spun around, that girl from school, she was shot. I stared at her and she reached up and muttered a help, that was it. I ran back to her. Her leg was bleeding from two spots, it didn’t look like a bone had been hit, good, I thought to myself, once I get her out she’ll need surgery but she’ll be okay, just have to stop the bleeding. I ripped my shirt in two and tied it around her leg. She cried in pain but I just picked her up and told her she was going to be okay. I ran for the door when I felt another shot wizz past me, my ears were ringing and I was panicking, the only thing on my mind was getting her to safety. As I was running out, police were running in. I ran out the door to find a swarm of people. I looked for an open ambulance and got her there. They took her right away and asked me if I was hurt, I said no. They looked at her leg and said to me, “With what you did wrapping your shirt around her, it saved her life, thank you.” I smiled and said it was no problem and they took her away. I stood in the cold night with no shirt and soaked in blood. I just stood there for maybe an hour trying to wrap my head around everything. I then just looked down and thought of her. I started to walk home and got there within a few minutes. I walked in and of course my mother didn’t know that there was a shooting, she was too busy with the man she’s cheating on dad with as he’s away on business. She screamed when she saw me and ran over, “Oh my god, are you okay? What happened?!” I looked in the mirror in the bathroom and I was a nasty sight. Shirtless and soaked to the core in blood. “I’m fine, there was a shooting at the movies and I saved a girl from school that was shot.” I muttered, I know she doesn’t actually care about me, all she wants is dad's money and I’m the only reason she gets it so might as well keep my mouth shut. She brought me some fresh clothes as I got in the shower. Remembering what happened made me shiver, the girl's face as she called for help burned in my mind, who was she? Is she in my class? I never really paid attention anyway, I thought to myself. All I did at school was hangout with my friends and bring home good grades, I was smart. My mom would always praise me, she thought I was hard working because I would go to my room most days, she thought I would study but I actually seak out.I stood under the hot water as I watched all the blood wash down the drain. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I wondered if she had surgery yet and if it’s going well. I stepped out of the shower and looked at myself in the mirror, I was back to normal. It was a Friday so I was free for a while.

Hi! If I may, I have a few tips. However it's perfectly fine if you ignore all of these, in no way am I a professional :)

• At the start, maybe try breaking up your longer sentences into shorter ones. This will make the scene seem more dramatic and will help your reader feel more panicked at the situation. E.g. 'Suddenly there was a bright flash and my ears were ringing, everyone was screaming and it seemed like it was in slow motion' could be changed to 'Suddenly, there was a bright flash. My ears were ringing. Everyone was screaming, but it seemed like it was in slow motion.'

• Also, a tip I've picked up from Pinterest is that sometimes, instead of simply describing what is happening, describe how it affects your character, especially if it is first person. E.g. 'I looked down and saw my clothes were completely covered in blood.' could be changed to 'Looking down, my clothes had been dyed red, with what looked like blood, and I felt dizzy suddenly.'

• Another tip, one that I am so, SO guilty of - try to avoid suddenly unless you ABSOLOUTELY have to put it in. If everything is 'suddenly', the things which are actually sudden don't seem so sudden. Most of your sentences would still make sense without using this word, e.g. ' I suddenly felt someone pushing me to the ground' would still make sense without the word suddenly. Also try to avoid the word 'then', as it's a filler word usually.

• Make sure to use paragraph breaks! As both a writer and a reader, I know that I can often feel intimidated by long stretches of text. Breaks allow your reader a little bit of a breather! You should use paragraph breaks when something changes, e.g. time, place, or when someone new is talking. You can also use this for one-liners, which give a sentence some emphasis.

• Finally, I would recommend spending a bit more time on the first section, as it feels a little rushed. While I appreciate that it is useful to make the character seem like she is having quick, rapid thoughts, there is so much potential you could add to the first section! However this is of course just a personal choice for some people, so if it works for you, perfect :)

A few quick points:

• I'd try starting the chapter with the shooting beginning, instead of with the setting. As weird as it may seem, this will probably be less disorientating because it is easier to digest information when you feed it through description later in the scene. Also, it is good to start a chapter with a bang, especially if it's a first chapter.

• Instead of telling us that your character is feeling a way, especially with dialogue tags, try showing us her thoughts using the way she's saying dialogue. You can tell a lot about characters from this!

• Try to drip-feed us the information slowly, instead of overloading the reader with information when it's necessary. Remember that you can always save explanations for later on in your book, leaving the reader wanting to know more. I'd recommend not mentioning the girl's significance to the protagonist until later, because the exposition is keeping us from the action, making the scene less dramatic, and it will leave us with questions, meaning we will want to find out more, to know who the girl is.

That's all I could think of for now! There's tons of potential here, and I'm intrigued now, so great job! I'd love to see any adjustments you make to the chapter, but it's ok if you're too busy. Anyway, have a great day, or night, and keep writing ;)

Thank you so much, this really helped me see what I should change :)