" My name is Cecilio Bracken. I'm 17 years old. My mother's name is Alice. My friend's name is Callia." A boy is sitting in the corner of an all-white room, keeping his head turned away from the metal door, slightly walking back and forth. His nails and fingers are covered in blood, his hair is a tangled mess from running his hands through it. " My name is Cecilio Bracken. I'm 17 years old. My Mother's name is Alice. My friend's name is Callia. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't. I didn't -" The boy flinches and whispers to himself,"You've gotten what you wanted…Why are you still here? You've got what you wanted. Just go away."
A girl places her petite hand on his shoulder,"Oh Lio… This is what I wanted. I wanted company. I wanted you." Cecilio turns his head toward the girl, tears springing into his eyes as he stares into her dark, soulless eyes. The girls' mouth widens into a nightmarish grin,"Aren't you glad you met me?"
The concept is really interesting. I instantly want to know more about Cecilio and how he got to where he is now. However, I do have a few pointers for you:
- I don't think it's that necessary to point out formatting since it's hard to format correctly on a thread, but remember: change paragraphs whenever a new person speaks, or whenever something new happens. It just makes it easier to read and less cluttered looking.
- Slow it down, just a little. I like the description of the room, but you don't mention where the girl comes from or how she gets close enough to Cecilio to touch him. Describe her movements. This can also be a way to up the creepy-factor –maybe she walks oddly, or silently, or just appears by his side. Just show us how she got there.
- Dark, soulless eyes –good description. Nightmarish grin –vague description. What is it about her grin that makes it nightmarish? Don't try to convince the reader that something is terrifying, show the reader why it's terrifying. Is her grin out of place on her delicate features? Is it too big or lopsided? Are her teeth jagged or fanged? Show us nightmarish, don't tell us nightmarish.
It's a very short segment, so there's not much to be said about it as a whole. However, it instantly caught my attention, so that's a good sign. I have no clue what's going on, but not to the extent where I'm frustrated or confused. It makes me want to keep reading. Good job :D
Can't really judge something from a paragraph, but it looks nice.
