forum Just pirate stuff. (critique please)
Started by @JustALostM book
tune

people_alt 75 followers

@JustALostM book

I've been writing this based off a minecraft seriesver I'm on (Yes you read that right-).

The sound of the paddles hitting the water calmed Justin (this is a good opening but i feel like its detached from something). He had finally gotten a chance to explore the waters near Tortuga. He hummed a tune from his childhood while he paddled, enjoying the serene water around him.

A large ship ruined the serenity. Justin didn’t know why it moved in front of his own boat. Before Justin could decide whether to paddle off or not, the ship had already blocked his escape. It was faster than Justin’s paddle boat, so it had no trouble catching up.

Two people were sitting on the boat, both dressed in pirate's attire. “Hello?” Justin said in a slightly shaky voice. He didn’t know if he could trust these people.

“Hello there,” said one of the pirates, whose voice made Justin shiver. He had a bad feeling that they didn’t mean well. The other pirate on the ship got up and got off the ship, circling to the other side of Justin’s boat. I’ve got nowhere to go.. he thought as the pirate on the ship started talking again.

“You’re on my water’s.” the pirate said, “And we don't really take well to those who travel on our waters, you know?.” As the pirate talked, Justin noticed the scar on the pirate's eye and the thick, black mustache he had.

Justin could hear his heart beating. “I…” Justin tried to compose himself before speaking again. “I did not know that. I’m sorry.”

“How about you get on our ship so we can escort you somewhere safe?” The pirate with the scar said with a crooked grin.

The pirate behind Justin had started to close in on his boat, trapping him between the two even more . Justin looked between both of the pirates in fear. He knew for a fact that these pirates (or any for that matter) did not have good intentions, but he was also outnumbered. He stood up and got on their boat, since it was his only option.

The ride on the ship was long and awfully quiet. Justin knew that there was no way to escape, but he still needed an answer.

“What will you do with me?” Justin, now looking back to the pirate with the scar.

“Oh. Nothing for you to worry about.” But it was. It really was.

After a bit, they finally got to land and had gotten off the ship. Justin was surprised how well settled the pirate's were. He didn't have the time to take it in though, because he was pushed into a large building and was escorted down to a dungeon.

(If anone could critique this that'd be amazing!)

@JustALostM book

Pt.2:

Time moved slowly for Justin, but he didn’t know when it was. Occasionally, he banged on the bars of his cell and yelled out for help. No one heard him, not even the pirates. (optional conciseness)

The arms of his shirt were ripped from him leaning against the rough brick walls.

Escaping was always on Justin's mind, but his hope dwindled the longer he was confined.

Tuck, Tuck, Tuck

Justin's thoughts were disturbed by the sound of footsteps. He sat up on his cot, not knowing who was there. Someone Who can help? Maybe…

“Hello?!” Justin called out. “Who’s ther-'' Justin coughed. He didn’t realize how bad his voice was after not drinking anything the past few days.

“Hello…”

When the voice answered back, Justin’s heart sank. He recognized that voice; it was the voice of the pirate with the scar. Justin waited quietly until the pirate got to the front of the cell. Justin flinched when he looked up, surprised that he had not noticed the pirate looking at him. He felt like a caged animal, and the pirate was a spectator who was fascinated by what they were seeing.

Deleted user

Hi I like pirate stuff (I am feral and insane)

The beginning is straightforward, which I like, but there's not a lot of exposition before jumping into the pirate stuff. I'd recommend either lengthening the time before the introduction to these pirates or just starting when Justin is already captured, in media res, when tension is high. the former sets up what is normal and gives some of who Justin is, an the ladder draws intrigue.

I'm also not one of those people who sticks by "show don't tell" (because I think it's unhelpful), but by saying that Justin is trembling, we know that he is afraid, and that the pirates might not mean well. Again, though, i like that this story is concise and doesn't spend too much time dwelling on unimportant details.

otherwise I don't have a lot more critique than that! :) I hope to see more, I like this so far