forum Just my rough draft for a story I'm writing. It's not much compared to what I have planned, but, critiques?
Started by @Zinnia_Beanz
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@Zinnia_Beanz

Althea sat on the roof of the castle, the black stone structure sparkling from the sunrise in the distance. Her eyes, glistening like blue diamonds, gazed down at all of the people in the kingdom going about their mornings. As usual, the center plaza was bustling with people. Ironclad soldiers were getting new weapons and fixing old ones, doctors were releasing injured patients, and traveling merchants were making their rounds.

It seemed the same as always, but in one of the gaps between shops was a small tent set up that was attracting lots of attention. She couldn’t tell what it was from so far away. Her curiosity demanded satisfaction. She knew that the black dragon scales covering the bottom of her feet, upper back, forearms, sides, and neck could protect her from any harm if she jumped to investigate, but whether she would actually make it all the way out to where she wanted to land, as well as if the stone walkways would survive the impact—not that she was overly concerned about that part—was rather questionable.

Ready to test it out, she stood up, bent her knees, and prepared to make the leap, but she was promptly interrupted by her maid, Lazuli, stepping out onto the balcony.

“Althea! Breakfast is ready! You’d better hurry before your siblings eat it all,” she called out sweetly.

Althea grumbled, an annoyed twinge on her eyebrow. She’d need to investigate the new addition to the plaza some other time.

With a hefty sigh, she complied to Lazuli–who was ever so patiently waiting for her to get off the roof with a light smile– and leapt down next to her.

She heard a brief meow followed by her cat, Cat, rushing over to rub against her leg. She almost immediately picked her up. Althea’s stale expression very subtly lightened up.

Cat was Althea’s large, fluffy forest cat that she’s had for years. She couldn’t decide what to name her, so she just called her ‘cat’ all the time until it became her name. She’s very friendly and social, but favors Althea over anyone because of the constant petting anytime she’s in her arms.

“Pardon me, Althea, but I must ask, were you about jump off of the roof?” Lazuli asked with a nervous tone.

“Yes,” Althea answered bluntly.

“W-why on Earth would you do that? What if something happened? You weren’t trying to..” her voice trailed off as her mind went wild with possibilities.

Althea glanced at her. She had no idea what she was talking about, but she assumed it was probably worse than what was actually happening.

“No, I saw an unusual tent in the plaza and wanted to see why it was so interesting to people.”

The maid audibly sighed in relief that the future queen wasn’t trying to off herself, but more so groaned at her doing something so dangerous just out of curiosity.

“Althea, although I am not in the position to lecture you, nor do I have the right to tell you what to do, but as your caretaker, I ask that you inform someone before leaving the castle, or at the very least use the front gate.”

Althea closed her eyes in thought for a moment, gently stroking Cat’s fur. She understood why, she was vital to the future of the kingdom, but she found that telling someone required a follow up explanation, and so would using the gate. It was just easier to leap from the roof without telling anyone. Besides, Lazuli now knew her intentions. Even less need to inform someone.

Looking to Althea with concern, Lazuli promptly opened the dining room door for her with a respectful bow. Out of her 7 brothers and 8 sisters, Althea was the oldest. She had just passed her teen years, whilst her siblings all were nearly half her age. Despite how different each of their appearances were, they were undeniably of royal descent. All had horns, wings, scales, and or fangs, even elemental breath of ice or fire. Her youngest sibling, Celica, had the most dragon in her. She had wings, horns, ice breath, and even a tail. There were folktales of how this came to be, but even those who don’t believe in the stories agree it had something to do with the dragons that used to rule Saveron.

For centuries, their family sustained the throne despite the numerous times it was challenged. In Saveron, it was common tradition to duel over an important disagreement. Who ruled the kingdom was no exception to this. Even the heir to the throne had to duel the current ruler to take their place. With the abilities the current royal family possessed, it had become impossible for anyone to defeat them. Only someone within their own lineage could ever stand a chance.

This said, Althea was trained to fight since before she could speak. It was expected of her to eventually take her mother’s place, but she wasn’t planning on it anytime soon. There simply was no need to.

She sat next to her father at the dinner table, her siblings playing around or scoffing down their meals. Her father smiled warmly at her, Cat curling up in her lap.

“Good morning, Althea. Did you see that odd shop set up in the plaza?” he asked eagerly.

Her father was a gentle, kind person, but it’d be hard to tell from his appearance. He had large horns, wings, and practically claws, which made him look way more intimidating than he actually was, which was basically not at all.

She nodded.

“I was about to go investigate it, but Lazuli interrupted me and demanded that I start telling people where I’m going all the time,” she grumbled while picking out her food.

For breakfast, the maids cooked a variety of meats, including chicken, fish, turkey, and beef. Being part dragon, vegetables and fruits weren’t exactly parts of of their diets.

“Well, when you do go investigate later today, I assume, make sure you come tell me what it is. I don’t have time to go see it myself. And Lazuli is right. Everyone is aware that you’re capable of taking care of yourself easily, but it’s more about knowing where you are in case of an emergency to inform you of something.”

She growled quietly. It was annoying to have him agree with Lazuli so easily, but she assumed arguing about it would be a waste of breath. Besides, soon enough, she’d be queen. Few would dare try telling her what to do then.

Deleted user

I think it's very interesting and I honestly want to read more.

@TryToDoItWrite

Nice! (just now reading bc i only recently joined notebook so forgive me) and I would want to read more too. The setting and the main character are interesting to me, and I want to see how your actual plot would develop? Do you have any ideas for antagonists or character arcs? The whole dueling bit to take the throne is especially interesting and can be used to help the plot along.

@Zinnia_Beanz

@lauren I certainly do. See, the dueling bit is important because once the villain roles around, she's gonna use system to her advantage. Pretty early on here, the antagonist strolls into town and challenges the queen. The villain actually loses, but she kills the queen as she approaches to help her up. She absorbs her soul and grows incredibly powerful, turning into a giant, multi-armed monstrosity and reveals herself to be a demon looking to destroy everything the Angels created. (Not the biblical angels/demons, but partially inspired by them) She turns the souls of Althea's siblings into demons forced to serve under her and help her kill off all of the humans, but for Althea, she inserts another demon into her with possession who's her adoptive son (demons aren't really able to reproduce nor do they have memories of life, they're just basically the afterlife in general). He runs away, Althea is super depressed, and now they've gotta stop her demon sibllings from destroying the other 5 kingdoms in the continent.

I can send you her character if you'd like, or any of the other character's.