@TryToDoItWrite
Here it is! It's called:
Write now!
The stage is completely dark as the NARRATOR starts reading
NARRATOR. Clears throat loudly How to be an writer. The first step is simple- Wait a second… a scuffle of papers I was supposed to read this first. Author’s note: None of the people, places or events that take place in this story are in anyway affiliated with real life people, places or events. Any similarities are purely coincidental. Except you, John Green, you monster.
A beat
NARRATOR. Well okay. Clears throat again How to be an writer. The first step is simple–
as he speaks, the lights come up downstage center on a desk and WRITER slumped against a notebook, looking defeated
NARRATOR. You must begin writing.
WRITER. Banging head against notebook with every word What. Are. Words.
NARRATOR. Inspiration is important. Looking back at old writing sometimes helps.
WRITER sits up and flips through notebook, shaking their head and cringing, then they stop and brighten visibly
WRITER. Oooo…this has potential. I forgot about this idea.
WRITER stands, staring constantly at notebook, scribbling away, and moves up stage as the lights come up, revealing three tables labeled Characters, Setting, and Plot. Three figures are lying flat on the ground like lifeless dolls
NARRATOR. It’s important, and also very difficult , to keep characters life-like and 3D.
As WRITER writes, one figure stands slowly, as if a puppet on strings
WRITER. Come over here, character. You’re going to be my hero.
CHARACTER #1, a girl, grins and strides over to the table labeled Character. WRITER picks up a piece of paper with the label Hero in large letters and some character traits beneath, and puts it on CHARACTER #1
WRITER. You look awesome!
CHARACTER #1. Do I get a name?
WRITER. A name? Umm…I’ll have to think about that. Writes in notebook as the next figure rises off the ground. CHARACTER #2 marches over, also a girl.
WRITER. You’re going to be my villain. Hands her the Villain label.
NARRATOR. As a writer, it is important to keep in mind backstories: the reasons characters do what they do.
CHARACTER #2. *frowning I’m a Villain? Why?
WRITER. I need you to be. You try to stop the hero from reaching her goal.
CHARACTER #2 goes to the table labeled Plot, and picks up a piece of paper with “Backstory” written in bold.
CHARACTER #2. I only stop her from joining the team because I didn’t want her messing up our chances of winning. I had to win to get into the college my parents wanted me going to. Accusingly I have a story too.
WRITER. Good point, character, and I love you, but we’re telling her story pointing to CHARACTER #1 so you’ll be the Antagonist, and she’ll be the Protagonist.
CRITIC wanders in, looking around, glowering at everything. WRITER looks up and sees them
WRITER. What are you doing here!? No no no! Get out! I don’t even have a complete first draft. Chases them out. Now that the WRITER is not there to give the characters life, they freeze. The third figure is still on the ground
CRITIC. As they’re running out, they shout criticism at WRITER. YOU NEED MORE MALE CHARACTERS! THAT PLOT LOOKS SO CLICHE! WHERE’S THE DIVERSITY?
WRITER. I said I’m. Not. Done. Go away!
WRITER looks back at their characters and sighs
WRITER. Is it really that cliche?
A beat
WRITER. Come on guys.
All three figures stand, and WRITER moves to label the third figure as Best Friend. Then the WRITER moves downstage to their desk again, and writes constantly as the lights fade. The lights come up seconds later, and WRITER stands triumphantly
WRITER. Yes! First draft done! You know what I need now? Coffee!
WRITER exits the stage. From the opposite direction, PLAGERIZER enters, dressed as a thief. PLAGIARIZER riffles through papers and grabs a couple, just as WRITER returns with a coffee cup
WRITER. Hey! Those are mine!
PLAGERIZER escapes with the papers. They yell over their shoulder You’ll never catch me alive!!
WRITER, defeated, goes back to desk, and starts re reading first draft. As WRITER reads, the characters mill around upstage, miming different actions. WRITER stops reading, and the characters freeze
WRITER. Oh no. Why did I think that was a good idea?
Continues to read, and the characters move once again. Suddenly, SIDE-CHARACTER #1 trips over a black cylinder on stage, falling on their face
WRITER. Cringes Plot hole…
EDITOR enters. WRITER springs to their feet. The characters freeze once again
WRITER. Thank goodness you’re here! I need your input.
EDITOR. You were right to call me in, looks like you need plenty of work.
WRITER. This is only my first draft…
EDITOR. I can see some plot holes glares at the black cylinder and not enough plot twists. Also, I have a problem with your Side Character…
WRITER. What’s wrong with her?
SIDE CHARACTER #1 walks over, as EDITOR beckons her. They all walk to the Character table. EDITOR stands directly in front of SIDE CHARACTER with WRITER to the side
EDITOR. Sharpie.
WRITER looks concerned, but hands over the pen.
EDITOR. Wig.
WRITER hands over the wig.
EDITOR. Hat.
WRITER hands over a baseball cap.
EDITOR. Makeup.
WRITER hands over the makeup. With a finishing flourish, EDITOR moves away from SIDE CHARACTER . She is now dressed as a boy
EDITOR. Annnnnnd now he’s the love interest.
WRITER. No! She can’t be a boy! That’s the whole point. It’s about friendship and stuff. I was thinking you could help more with mechanics or maybe plot holes.
EDITOR shrugs. EDITOR and WRITER move across the stage, as EDITOR points to things and WRITER scribbles in their notebook
EDITOR. Comma there. Run on sentence over there. Out of character here. More commas here and here and….there.
Bends down and grabs Plot hole and shoves it at WRITER
EDITOR. No more of these.
WRITER. Right.
EDITOR. Right. Now, write.
WRITER. Right now?
EDITOR. Yes write right now. I’m leaving.
EDITOR exits. WRITER moves back to desk, setting the Plot Hole aside, and scribbling once again in the notebook. SIDE CHARACTER takes off the wig and hat and re labels herself as Best Friend
WRITER. Hmm….plot twist…..hmm………
WRITER doesn’t look up from notebook, but grabs a pistol from a desk drawer, points it at the CHARACTER #1 and shoots. The character falls over, dead
READER rushes in, reading a copy of John Green’s The Fault in Our Stars, crying
READER. To WRITER WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT!? After that beautiful story arc and everything. I’m broken and empty inside.
WRITER. Points to book I didn’t write that.
READER gestures at the dead character angrily.
READER. Wails All you writers love to do is bring us pain and heartbreak!
READER rushes off stage, still crying.
A beat
NARRATOR. Coughs lightly Anyways–lastly we get to sharing the story.
A spotlight appears on the back wall, illuminating a giant web labeled Interweb. There are other articles attached to it. WRITER gets up and puts the notebook on the web
NARRATOR. Nice.
WRITER. Looks around, waiting for something to happen Is this it? What next?
NARRATOR. You have to do it all again.
WRITER. What!? That was awful and not fun at all!! Why would I do it again?
NARRATOR. Because you love it.
WRITER scoffs as the lights go down, saying, Never again…
Lights off then up a second later. Characters are on the ground again. WRITER is slumped on the desk
WRITER. Think….think….Dragons? No, been there, done that. …. zombies? Or vampires? No, no…..sitting up suddenly What if I wrote a script about writing!?
A beat
Lights start to fade, and Writer slumps down again
WRITER. No, no, that’s a dumb idea. How would you even stage it?
Lights out
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