@SaltyLasagna
So a little while ago in a writing club, we got a prompt that was just one word: Phobia. We could write whatever we wanted with it, as long as it had something to do with phobias. I decided to write a short story about my character and his fear of infinity/the expanse of the universe, and this fear causes him to have a panic attack. I don't know if it's an accurate representation of a panic attack or if the writing is good, so I would really appreciate some advice :)
I stretched out my arm, pressing my hand against the expanse of clear blue sky. It scared me, how much space there was. Everything was so big, and I was so… small. Insignificant. There were thousands of galaxies surrounding me, I was just a single speck of dust compared to everything. Throughout the universe there were supernovas, black holes, colliding planets, and burning stars, possibly even life outside of Earth, and I was just a small piece of planet that was figuratively sitting still. Within a few years, I wouldn’t even be that. I’d be dead and forgotten. I heard my friend sigh beside me, and he shifted.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” He said.
“Yeah,” I lied, tearing my eyes away from the sky as my heart hammered in my chest. I fought back the rising panic and tears, biting down hard on my tongue.
“That’s why I love this place. All you see is sky, for forever.”
I wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans, taking in a shaky breath. My eyes fell closed as I desperately tried to replace my thoughts with something happy, sad, exciting; Anything other than the image of that dark, gaping, inescapable void looming above my head.
‘Just count,’ I thought. “Think of your favorite color. Let it wash over you. Relax.’
So I did. I counted all of my fingers, even though I already knew how many there were. I let a warm yellow color fill my mind, slowly replacing the darkness. My breathing slowed a bit, and I ran my hand over the sleeve of my jean jacket. “Three patches,” I whispered, hand moving to fiddle with the hem of my shirt, counting the small stitches in my mind and starting over when I lost track.
My mind had finally moved on from the fear of the abyss, but I was now lost in counting all of the little things that my hands could feel. “6 breezes… 4 limbs, 24 blades of grass in my left hand, 2 birds flying overhead.” I was falling asleep when I felt Mika tap my shoulder, and I jolted, my eyes flying open and meeting the soft blue sky.
“Julian?” He asked, looking at me curiously. “You’ve been so silent for the past few minutes. I was concerned.” I tore my gaze from the sky and met his eyes, not wanting to face my fear after I had been so successful at calming myself down.
“Yeah, sorry,” I mumbled. His brow furrowed, and he propped himself up on one elbow, leaning over me slightly. His body blocked the view of the sky, and it comforted me a bit. His long brown hair fell forward and framed his face perfectly, sunlight reflecting off the strands and painting the color a warm gold.
“You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you?” He asked.
“What thing?”
“You know what. Counting obsessively,” he explained, straining to mask the annoyance in his voice and expression.
“Yeah. I was,” I admitted, looking down at the quilt we were laying on. He sighed and sat up, taking my hand and pulling my up gently with him.
“Why? What’s wrong?” He asked, his voice soft and gentle. My mind snapped back to what I was thinking of earlier, and I tilted my chin up toward the sky.
The thoughts assaulted my mind again, about how the sky was so vast. I was such a small person, only 5’10’’. Mika was 6’0’’. The tree that we spotted on our way here seemed like it was about 40 feet or so. Mount Everest was miles high. The sears tower was almost 2,000 feet tall. Mount everest was about 30,000 feet tall.
I could feel my heart pounding against my chest.
The Earth is only a small part of our solar system, and the sun is 109 times bigger than the earth. There around 200 million solar systems in our galaxy, and an estimate of about 100 billion galaxies in the universe.
I could hear my heart pounding against my chest. I clenched my fists, digging my nails into my palms. I felt something slippery on my fingers. Was it sweat? Blood? I didn’t look to find out.
And what about other universes? Did those exist? If they did, then that means I’m even smaller. What if there are infinite galaxies? How insignificant would that make me? I have no effect on this universe, or on any other universe for that matter. So why was I here? Why am I here if I don’t even matter, if I hardly even exist in the grand scheme of things?
I felt like I was going to pass out. Or die. Maybe both. Both would be very nice.
“Julian, look at me,” Mika said. His hand was on my shoulder. His hands were bigger than mine were. “Hey, it’s okay. Calm down, I’m right here, I’ve got you.” It was only then that I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks, and I felt my entire body trembling. I looked down at my palms, seeing blood trickling down and dripping onto the quilt.
“Julian,” Connor repeated. I finally looked up at him, and he gave me a soft smile. “I know what you’re thinking. I know you’re scared, but it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay, because we have each other, and that’s all that matters.” I nodded, but my heart still wouldn’t stop pounding, and my throat was closing up.
“And you don’t just have me, either. You’ve got your mom. You’ve got my mom and dad, we both know that they love you like one of their own. You’ve got Sami, and Emma, and Alana, and you know Pandora still cares for you very much. They all love you. And I’ll remind you as many times as I have to: you don’t have to be significant to the entire universe. You’re already a huge part of the life of all of your friends and family, and that makes you more important than you could ever realize.” I nodded again, and scooted closer to him, burying my face in his chest. He sighed and ran his hand through my hair. My body relaxed a bit.
“I’m not sure if anything I just said even made any sense,” he admitted with a laugh, his hand traveling from my hair to my back, where he traced little circles. I couldn’t hear my heartbeat anymore, but I could hear his, loud and clear and comforting.
“But just know that you’re the only you that exists, so that makes you a huge part of this existence, even if you’re physically small compared to other things out there. And you’re connected to hundreds of unique people too.” I smiled. “You… you’re an entire universe yourself.”
I hugged him tighter, the panic attack from earlier passing.
“Look up at the sky, Jules,” Mika said. I did, reluctantly. “See that? You’re bigger than that. We both are.” I nodded, never feeling so important in my entire life. And although I still couldn’t bring myself to look up at the sky, the thought of it wasn’t as scary as it was before.
