forum I need some help critiquing my opening paragraph
Started by Liz Livewire
tune

people_alt 2 followers

Liz Livewire

Ok here it is.
It was done. Cyrus red fern was dead, assassinated to be exact. By morning the whole of Danor would know. There would be celebrations in Rovazuna’s world. The knife happy, psychopathic, cruel part of her world. The celebrations would last at least three days, what would be considered the traditional morning time will be celebrated et Assassins palace, while most of Danor will be grieving their dead capitin of the royal guard. A real people person, and about to expose the whole underground world of assassins…until he was killed.

@TryToDoItWrite

Okaaaaay!! Interesting start! I want to know about the assassins and their work and all that! One suggestion I would make is that maybe you should jump straight into the action. Like instead of saying "The celebrations would last at least three days, what would be considered the traditional morning time will be celebrated et Assassins palace, while most of Danor will be grieving their dead capitin of the royal guard." (spelling mistake: capitin to captain)

Have the scene begin with the assassins at the celebration talking about how the other ppl would be grieving or have a snippet of the scene be the funeral/the grieving people then immediately jump the to a juxtaposition of the assassins celebration.

I think it would be more powerful than just saying it!

Besides that, there are some simple grammar mistakes that we'll fix up in a jiffy!

@TryToDoItWrite

Grammar mistakes:

  • Fragmented sentence. The italics part isn't a complete sentence.
    Cyrus red fern was dead, assassinated to be exact. By morning the whole of Danor would know.
    Try combining them like so:
    Cyrus red fern was dead—assassinated to be exact—and by morning the whole of Danor would know.
  • Another fragment
    There would be celebrations in Rovazuna’s world. The knife happy, psychopathic, cruel part of her world.
    Try:
    There would be celebrations in Rovazuna’s world—the knife happy, psychopathic, cruel part of her world.
  • The celebrations would last at least three days, what would be considered the traditional morning time will be celebrated et Assassins palace, while most of Danor will be grieving their dead capitin of the royal guard.
    This sentence is really long and has tons of info jammed inside of it. Try pulling it apart into several that flow a bit better.
    Try:
    The celebrations at Assassins palace last at least three days. At the same time, most of Danor will be grieving their dead captain.
  • A real people person, and about to expose the whole underground world of assassins…until he was killed.
    Besides the fact that this is another fragmented sentence…I feel like this is a bit of telling and not showing (like I talked about earlier). This seems like its a plot point. Is it the set up for something big? This piece of info seems to important to just outright state to your readers.