forum I'll critique your stories!
Started by @caetheplus
tune

people_alt 5 followers

@caetheplus

I can critique for grammar, general phrasing and writing, and plot. Send me a link in Google Docs, make sure commenting is turned on, and I'll critique away!

AbbyAlways

Actually I don't think that link will work, so I'll just copy it bit by bit into this chat. It's not very long.

Chapter One: Don’t be Late
“Tonight. 9:00. Siren’s Cove. Be there.”
The tall blonde girl relayed these instructions for me as I sat at a coffee shop, phone in one hand and latte in the other.
“First off, um, who the heck are you?” I said, irritatedly glaring at this strange woman.
“A Siren. That’s all you need to know right now. And since you have no idea where Siren’s Cove is, then meet me at my apartment.” She slipped me a note with her room number and address. She stared into my eyes, borderline uncomfortably, and they flashed a sudden brilliant blue.
“Don’t be late, we have some special stuff in store for you.” A wink, a smirk, and she was gone. I felt dazed, but strangely, I knew it, albeit in the back of my brain, that I would be there, and not be late.
My fingers twirled the sheet of paper absentmindedly, the faint hints of cohesive thoughts I had swirling around in my head.
Once I could think, I realized how strange that was. Why, once those girl’s eyes went all bright, did thinking become like wading through quicksand? The only thing I could make out from the haze were the two phrases she said to me, “Be there…. Don’t be late.”
I had heard about the Sirens before, they run the show down at the nightclubs in the heart of the city. Έκσταση was the main one. They were like an off-beat sorority, looking like your classic sisters with an aura of mystique. Why would I be invited to their glorified club?

AbbyAlways

Chapter Two: Don’t Push It
“Seriously Melloxie? We had a plan, unless you’ve gotten too much seaweed stuck in your ears.” I glared at my right-hand girl.
“Well, excuse me if I don’t think kidnapping a pledge is the best way of convincing her to join you,” She paused. “Astelle, I…” Melloxie trailed off, making my already rising anger bubble over.
“What?!? Is she here? I will let the Harpies at you if she is here.” I pointed a harsh accusing finger at Melloxie’s scared face.
“No, no! I’ve been your main confidant for 1000 years and that’s not changing now. What I was going to say is that I used a couple of your souls from your hunt to make her more obedient.” Her blonde hair fell from its place behind her ear, perfectly covering the shame in her eyes.
I put my hands on her shoulders, startling her. “Thank the Muses. Just pay me back those couple on the next outing.”
Melloxie’s shock at my level-headed reaction was evident. “Okay… I assumed you’d be more mad. Ever since we were kicked out of Athens you’ve been pouting.”
“True. My hunts have been going well lately so I’ve been in a good mood,” I said confidently. “Don’t push it.”

@caetheplus

To be honest it's a lot easier if it's in a Google doc, because I can leave comments on individual passages. But I will leave you an overall critique in a bit, it's just that I have about two seconds right now so I'm just typing out this post and vanishing.
(I requested access on that Google doc, by the way. I'm [email protected] if you were wondering.)

@Joneathan

I know this isn't much but I would love if you could look over this and give me some advice.

AbbyAlways

Hey, I'm logged in under an account controlled by an organization. I literally can't share it with someone outside of the organization no matter how hard I try. That's the best I can do, I'm sorry.