forum I'll critique your stories
Started by @Reblod flag
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@Reblod flag

I like critiquing stories. Warning, I will give you my genuine honest opinion. If you get offended it's your own fault.

I don't really like critiquing characters…but maybe

@LittleBear group

I have a forum for only my story and critiques on it. I already have two wonderful critique-ers, but the more the merrier. If you want to take a gander, here it is. Beware, there is a lot.

@Reblod flag

I have a forum for only my story and critiques on it. I already have two wonderful critique-ers, but the more the merrier. If you want to take a gander, here it is. Beware, there is a lot.

Wow that is a lot
Might take some time to get through it all

@Lupout

Hey I've been looking for a brutally honest beta reader. I'm currently on the first draft of my story, I have a couple chapters "done" but I have this nagging feeling that it needs something. I'm not that great at writing action and I feel like its all happening fast. If you are interested in reading what I have so far and critiquing the flow let me know.

@WriteOutofTime

Critique this section?

Morning came with pain. The streetlights outside her window had changed from the cold lighting of the night to the warmth of the artificial UV rays. There was peace outside her home, but she could practically hear the riots that were sure to be going on by now.

Nyir felt vaguely disappointed. Sleep didn’t cure her tiredness, nor did it cure her soreness. Her eyes felt warm and heavy, like marbles trying to roll through honey. She cursed every breath she took.

“Damn it,” she moaned, shoving herself upright. The sheets fell from her bruised body and gathered around her hips. They were tinted with blood, and she cursed again. Had she torn her stitches?

She ran her fingers down her exposed scalp and down into her cornrows. The motion was soothing. She repeated it, taking deep breaths, until she felt almost normal. The rattling in her lungs had quieted to a soft wheeze, and the pain, a dull ache. Her free hand felt underneath her shirt, tearing off the damp bandages and tracing the stitches. Yeah, torn. She’d never been a heavy sleeper. Her restlessness must have torn them.

“I’m alive,” she breathed. The statement was neutral.

Enough about her, she decided. She thought back over the night before –Evera, and everything she’d said. She wondered if Evera had arrested the kid anyway, but decided against it. She’d seemed set against it, and Evera wasn’t one to change her mind easily. The Northern kid was safe, for now. But would that last?

Her eyes trailed over to the side table again. Yuu’mi had been from the North. Near the tunnels. He’d been outspoken about it. Nyir hadn’t care much about what he’d been saying, but now, things were different. If he wasn’t the one speaking up, then who would? Nyir would not let his voice be forgotten. But usually, his beliefs were an afterthought. She was too busy.

Shaking those thoughts away impatiently, she forced herself to her feet. Dizziness nearly dragged her back down as the blood rushed from her head. She managed to stay upright as she made her way to the kitchen, keeping a hold to the walls and furniture to support her as she went.

Tasper was already sat at the table, with Daso at his side. They were gathered around the radio with mugs of tea, listening to static. When Daso spotted her, he rose to his feet, greeting, “Hi, General! Feeling better, darling?”

“Nope,” she replied with a tight smile. “Why’re you in my house?” She sank into the chair across from him and to the right of Tasper. Tasper poured her a cup of tea absently, his eyes still on the radio.

Daso sat back down as well. “Evera sent me. She wanted your permission to employ your regiment to help control the crowd. She’s about to announce a meeting.” He gestured to the radio.

“Clearance granted,” she responded with a half shrug. She lifted her mug to her lips.

Tasper glanced away from the radio to ask, “Can I tag along, Daso? I’m curious.”

“Sure, kid,” he answered with a smile, “and we’ll swing by to pick up Sacia. No one should travel alone with all this chaos, not even a daring doll like her.”

At that, Tas lowered his head. Nyir could see him thinking. She wished sometimes that he wasn’t so easy to read. “You fought with Sacia again?”

“Not really,” he replied, a little too fast, “I just…I brought up stuff I shouldn’t’ve. The real problem is the way she treated Mitsig.”

Nyir shrugged. “Sure.” She prepared herself to say more, but the static on the radio changed to a loud voice.

“Attention all Lower World residents: This is Leader Evera. There have been rumors about missing rations, and I must set them straight. Please make your way to the Platform near the stables by 0900 to receive more information. Please trust that you are safe, and the Board is doing everything it can to keep you that way. Again, a meeting at the Platform near the stables at 0900. Thank you.”

The message started over. Nyir shut the radio off and looked at the clock on the wall. The meeting wasn’t for another hour or so. She sighed, “You two go on and get there before the crowd. It’ll be hell trying to get there at the same time as everyone.”

“Trying to get rid of us so soon?” Daso shot back with a grin, already standing and pushing the chair back underneath the table.

Tasper finished his tea in one gulp and scrambled to his feet. “Yeah, good idea. I’ll be ready in a moment.” He hurried into the back of the house, disappearing into his room.

“I think Eve’s in over her head,” Daso blurted out the moment Tasper was out of earshot, his smile fading.

Nyir didn’t reply for a long moment, inspecting the shining black liquid in her cup. Finally, she said, “Don’t wait ‘til Tasper’s gone to speak your mind. You’re a kid too.” She sipped her tea.

Daso’s grin flew back onto his face, but she could see in his eyes that he was hurt. He leaned against the wall, his lips puckering. “I’m nearly eighteen, you know!” he joked, standing up on his tiptoes.

“What I meant,” she said, lowering her mug, “was that I won’t hold things back from you or him or anyone unless I want. It’s never because of your age.”

He nodded. “I know. I know.” A wry smirk appeared on his youthful face. “By the way, Dara got a promotion, thanks to us.”

“How do you mean?” Nyir queried, lifting an eyebrow.

“The sample we collected.” He smiled, linking his fingers behind his head. “She’s got a theory and she’s going to be running the experiments herself. Leader Simanta herself gave her fifth level clearance.”

She nodded her head, unsurprised. “She was always the better twin out of the two of you.”

“She’s the smart one, I’m the pretty one,” he corrected, snickering. “Anyway, she feels like she’s close to a breakthrough. She wanted to let you know that.”

Nyir shrugged. “They always are.”

“No, this time’s…different.” A rare serious look spread over his countenance. “She thinks she has a way to really hurt them, maybe even kill them.”

Her hand tightened around her mug, but she purposefully kept her expression calm. Despite herself, her heart rate began to speed up. In a daze, she repeated, “Kill them?”

“Theoretically,” Daso clarified. His face relaxed back into his usual smile, and he laughed, “So, no need to go off on suicide missions anymore, yeah?”

Nyir nodded again, her hand relaxing as well. “Sounds promising. I’ll visit her lab as soon as I’m able.”

They didn’t speak anymore. Tasper returned to the front and he and Daso left, mumbling quick goodbyes. She watched them with a passive eye, her thoughts tumultuous. Her jaw clenched.

A way to kill dragons. She wished she could believe it.

@Reblod flag

Hey I've been looking for a brutally honest beta reader. I'm currently on the first draft of my story, I have a couple chapters "done" but I have this nagging feeling that it needs something. I'm not that great at writing action and I feel like its all happening fast. If you are interested in reading what I have so far and critiquing the flow let me know.

Yeah I can help out if you want

@Reblod flag

@writelikeyourerunningoutoftime
Alright. So I really like this. It's written in a way that can affect the reader which is good. There are definitely some things to fix. In some parts the word use and structure feels a bit slow or hard to read.
The first paragraph feels awkward. The second sentence can be changed up a bit so there aren't as many words to get through. If you use too much description in one sentence then it can feel like too much. I don't think you need to change much of how you've actually structured it but changing up some of the parts like 'cold lighting' and 'artificial UV' might make it more streamlined.
The last sentence could use some attention too. Mainly the use of 'practically' doesn't work. The first paragraph is important to draw people in so making it too complicated or flashy can be a turn off.

I enjoy how you've written the next part. It's not revealing too much but enough to slowly give the reader a bit of context.
In the third paragraph, you say 'The sheets feel away from her bruised body'. This isn't necessary as we already know she's bruised and beaten from the previous paragraph. Doing things like this makes reading the story feel repetitive. The reader isn't told she is bruised but the reader has assumed she is and doesn't need it to be confirmed. You're probably aware of show don't tell. I think you know what you're doing but be careful of showing then telling. The next sentence is also bland to read. I would take out the 'and' and separate it into two sentences to give it more impact.

'She'd never been a heavy sleeper. Her restlessness must of torn them.' This can be simplified. You don't need to state she isn't a heavy sleeper but imply it by saying her restlessness had torn them. If you want, you can comment of her not being a heavy sleeper later on.

The dash before Evera looks distracting and out of place. Maybe use a different format for that?

The blood rushing from her head is kind of overused in a lot of things. I'd recommend trying to communicate it to the reader in a different way.

You're good at dialogue. It feels natural although for example, parts like 'Tasper glanced away from the radio to ask, "…"' are odd to read. The question mark is telling the reader he is asking something so you don't need to tell them that. I find that you tend to link a character's action to their following dialogue. 'She sighed, "…"' can be it's own sentence. The comma is unnecessary.

Overall I really like the ideas you have and I enjoy your writing style. You have a very good grasp on atmosphere and I loved the dialogue. The areas I commented on aren't the only places but you should be able to find the rest yourself.

@WriteOutofTime

Thank you so much!! I was really unsure about the first paragraph. It seemed awkward and I wasn't sure how to fix it. I'll be sure to implement your suggestions! I do have one question though: I consider "Sighed" and other words like that to be dialogue tags. You can sigh just air, but you can also sigh words. Do you get what I mean? Or am I confused and I should just drop the commas like you said? Anyways thanks again! You're seriously really good at critiquing.

@Reblod flag

Yeah I was thinking that too but it's something about it being before the dialogue that was awkward to read. In my experience, the way the dialogue is said is either after a comma after the actual dialogue or is something before a period before the dialogue but it can be done. I suppose it depends on your preference. Feel free to continue using that if you like.

Deleted user

Hey, I was wondering if you could critique this for me please? It's part of the first chapter of the story, and I need a super honest opinion on whether you would turn the pages or not, because a lot of times publishers won't even read past the first page if they don't like it. Anyway, here it is.

A young man stepped into the building. He was wearing a dark suit. It was decorated with intricate patterns, and was ironed perfectly. His body was adorned with silver jewelry that wasn’t too flashy, but was enough to catch somebody’s eye if he walked down the street.

He didn’t blend into his environment too well. The man was standing with perfect posture in the entrance of a small convenience store, where the paint was peeling off of the walls and the air smelled like gasoline and cigarettes. A woman at the counter had been staring at him for some time, brow scrunched as if she was concentrating.
“Need something?” she asked. She was surrounded by pots of wilting plants and flowers. The woman used one hand to fiddle with the shriveled and stiff petals of a rose, the other to tap her nails slowly on the wooden counter. The man met her gaze.

“I’m okay,” he said. She stared at him suspiciously for a few more moments before turning away from him.

“Alright, well I’ll be in the back room. If you need me, just yell.” The man nodded, stepping forward. He scanned the small store, searching for something useful. A lot of the shelves were mostly empty, candy bars scattered here and there. The only thing that seemed to be fully stocked was the front counter. It was littered with personal items, cigarette ashes, and dead plants. The man frowned at the mess, about to turn away when something caught his eye.

On the shelf behind the counter was a compact mirror. It sat open, framed with gold and the glass reflecting the light. He stepped toward it quickly. That was exactly what he was looking for.

He leaned to the side, peering into the back room. The woman was shuffling through some papers, humming quietly to herself. He smirked, walking behind the counter and reaching up for the mirror. He swiped it off the shelf, smiling to himself.

It was cold and a bit heavy in his hands. The man snapped it shut, slipping it into the front pocket of his jacket and turning to leave, his small smile turning to a beam. He had finally succeeded in getting his hands on a dimensional mirror.

Suddenly, he felt a harsh tug on his hair. He yelped, feeling himself get pulled back away from the door. He heard a voice behind him.

“Where do you think you’re going with that?” it said. The grip on his hair was released, and he spun around to face the woman that had been behind the counter before. He tensed, backing away from her. She stepped toward him.

“What, with this?” He said, pulling the mirror out from his pocket and holding it up for her to see. She immediately lunged forward and tried to snatch it from his hand, but he held it up out of her reach. She jumped up, but still couldn’t touch it. He smirked down at her. “Having a bit of trouble, shorty?”

“Shut it, blondie,” she growled. He chuckled, waving the compact around above her. The woman glared up at him, tying her strawberry blonde hair back in a messy bun. Her grey-green eyes glittered with anger and mischief, and the smallest of smiles tugged at the corners of her lips. The man blinked, confused.

She then grabbed his tie with one hand and pulled herself up. She braced her other hand on his shoulder and pushed her body up to reach the mirror. The woman grabbed it from him, then let himself drop back down the wooden floor.

The man was speechless. It had happened so fast, he wasn’t sure what to do or say. She smiled at him, putting the mirror in her pocket and placing a hand on her hip.

“Don’t you know it’s rude to steal personal things from people you’ve just met?” She asked, tilting her head to the side, holding her hand out. “I’m Amber Lumic, by the way. I own this store.”

“Nice to meet you,” the man replied hesitantly, shaking her hand. Amber smiled at him. Her soft pink lips contrasted her smooth porcelain skin. Her face was edged with perfection, as if it had been produced in a factory. The only thing that seemed to be in the way of that was the thick scar that ran from the arch of her eyebrow to the corner of her mouth.

Amber blinked. “Are you going to tell me your name?” she asked. He thought about that for a moment.

“No, probably not.”

“Fair enough. Can I ask why you were trying to steal a personal item of mine?” She said, holding up the compact mirror. He looked over at it, and felt the urge to reach out and grab it.

“Do you know what it is?” he asked, gaze not straying from the mirror. Amber chuckled.

“Of course I know what it is. It’s mine, after all.” The man nodded. “It let’s a sentient being travel to parallel dimensions. I just can’t figure out why you need to do that.”

The man glared at her, stepping back. “Of course you wouldn’t know, we’ve only just met,” he said. His body began to emit transparent gold flames. They were soft and barely visible, but Amber had noticed them. She tilted her head curiously, trying to figure out what they were.

“Can’t you at least humor me? You tried to steal my mirror, so you owe me something,” she pointed out, turning away from him. She walked around the back of the counter, entering the back room. “Get back here and answer some questions for me, and I might consider forgiving you!” she called to him. He cautiously made his way to the back of the store to meet her.

There were more dead plants and flowers in the back room than he could count. Some of them still held on to a bit of vitality, while others looked as if they were about to crumble to ashes. He felt a chill looking at it.

“Don’t worry about that,” Amber said, putting a hand on the man’s shoulder. He jumped a bit, looking at her. “It’s just Dark Magic. We drain the life force of plants and convert their energy to perform spells and whatnot.”

[this is where I left off]

@Reblod flag

@Jensen-rs
First, show don't tell. Second, there is a lot to change especially in the first paragraph. 'A young man stepped into the building.' This doesn't make for a very interesting first sentence. In fact I might start off with something very different. 'A man stepped through a doorway' or something draws you in a bit more (not saying my version is better) because it has more mystery to it. You say 'young man' which we can figure out later so you can get rid of that. Saying 'the building' implies we already know the building and buildings are also boring. Less information draws people in because we're curious creatures. We want to know more. 'He was wearing a dark suit.' Either unnecessary or said in an uninteresting way. It definitely doesn't need its own sentence. If you are wanting to imply his occupation/personality/intention then there are better ways to do it. Actually I would slip in this information later on. Again, not something we really need to know but it's a matter of preference. Also the description of the suit, perhaps a way of revealing who he is as a person? To be blunt, no one really cares about what the suit looks like. You can imply this information more smoothly in a more subtle way for example something like 'he smoothed his already ironed suit' but you know…better. Just toss the information at the reader and let them move on with life. The next part also has the same sort of problems. If you're adorned in silver jewelry then you're obviously going to attract attention and the not too flashy part is giving too much information we don't need.
Second paragraph, first sentence. The reader would have already figured this out so it's just kind of in the way. 'with perfect posture' is a very good example of telling not showing. It's also a bit awkward in the sentence. The whole sentence could be separated a lot. 'He lingered at the entrance of a small convenience store. (saying he's standing gives an odd visual image) The paint peeling off the walls coupled with the scent of cigarette smoke and gasoline was a striking contrast with the man's perfect bearing and formal (ornate, neat, professional, etc) attire.' As an example. This implies the man stands out, he has perfect posture and he's wearing a suit. No need to actually use this, just good to have an example.

So this next part. Is the man specifically looking for the mirror or did he just conveniently stumble across it without meaning to? 'searching for something useful.' This makes me think he's just there to be there and is hoping to find something of use to him. 'That was exactly what he was looking for.' So was he there to look for it? Was he in the process of looking for it when he came there? This helps to discern the man's intent but the other sentence says he was just there looking for anything. I would suggest making it a bit clearer as to his intent when he stopped at the entrance of the shop.
You wrote 'he smirked' and 'smiling to himself' in the same context within two sentences. Perhaps combining the sentences will make it flow better in general and at the same time outline that he both smiled to himself with the accomplishment of finding the mirror and smirked with confidence or whatever he might of been smirking about.
'it said' is a bit awkward. You also don't need it. You said a voice spoke already and the reader can easily assume the following dialogue is that same voice. Speaking of dialogue I find your placement of it a bit off. Dialogue is often its own little 'paragraph' and is usually only attached to paragraphs that are small and briefly give current context to what's just been said.
'Where do you think you're going with that?' might float on its own.
'He smirked down at her. "Having a bit of trouble, shorty?"' might also be on its own.
Same with '"Shut it, blondie," she growled.'
Just to make it flow nicer.

The paragraph describing how she got the mirror is giving too much visual. I find a lot of people do this either out of wanting to have the reader imagine things a certain way or something else. The main thing that bothers me is, she grabbed the tie and pulled herself up then she grabbed his shoulder and pulled herself up. I get you want to visualise that she used his tie and shoulder both to pull herself up before she took the mirror but the way its structured is clunky to read. Quick actions are best with limited words.
(Also probably a typo. Is 'let himself drop back down' meant to be 'let herself drop back down'?)

Ah I think those are the main things. You can go through yourself and see if any of this applies to anything else in your writing. I find some of the things you do are better in other areas. The dialogue at the end of the story has more flowing structure.
Apart from that, I like the concept here. Atmosphere and environment can improve with more dramatic and flowing word structure but you have a good idea of interactions between people. It reveals character's personalities a bit and they fit on a page together quite well.

(If @writelikeyourerunningoutoftime happens to see this, that thing with the dialogue is definitely an odd personal preference of mine. I've learned proper dialogue grammar now. Should probably have done that before I starting critiquing ^^.)

@Lupout

Hey I've been looking for a brutally honest beta reader. I'm currently on the first draft of my story, I have a couple chapters "done" but I have this nagging feeling that it needs something. I'm not that great at writing action and I feel like its all happening fast. If you are interested in reading what I have so far and critiquing the flow let me know.

Yeah I can help out if you want

Hey sorry I didn't get back to you, I still want you to read my story but the chapter I'm working on right now has a lot of action/development, and since I'm almost done with it, I thought I'd wait until I finished writing that chapter before I had you critique what I have. Can I DM you a link when I'm done?

@Oakiin

Hey!
I know there isn't any context here to this blip, but I was just curious what you think of this, say if you'd picked up the book in a library and flipped open to this.

“What unrest has stirred,” Java sighed, “if even the Hunters of the North Wilds ride together in concern.”
“You should not consider it an ill omen,” Alenair said. “If my people rally, it is true that it is because we fear a great evil, but we rally also because we believe we can do something about it. I trust Brammier with my life, and I will follow him to whatever end we may find.”
“You do not have the position of someone looking to you for decisions,” Java replied. “I am weighed down by the expectations of my people, forced to stay here instead of seeking to stop this darkness. You may go as you please, while I must stay and wait for any news to travel to my ears.”
“You will perhaps be seeing things differently in a week’s time,” said Alenair. “My heart tells me you have more in your future then sitting upon this throne, commanding a small kingdom. Be they good or bad tidings, I cannot tell you; the day may come when you long for the stability you have now.”
“I am glad to have heard your counsel,” Java said. “Your words bring comfort to me. I have many years feared I would be limited to Dragga for the rest of my life, and while I will serve my people until the end of my days, I never wished to stay here without seeing what the world has to offer.”
Alenair laughed. “You are of kindred spirit to me, young prince.” He stood and offered Java his hand, which was accepted. “You may find the need for the aid of the Hunters yet in your life. I’ll tell the wilds to keep track of you, and they will send word to me if ever you receive trouble. We are at your side.”
“I thank you, Alenair. If ever you need a place to rest, or food to sustain you, this kingdom will welcome you,” Java replied. “Good night.”
“Good night to you, Java.”

Thank-you!!!

@Reblod flag

Hey I've been looking for a brutally honest beta reader. I'm currently on the first draft of my story, I have a couple chapters "done" but I have this nagging feeling that it needs something. I'm not that great at writing action and I feel like its all happening fast. If you are interested in reading what I have so far and critiquing the flow let me know.

Yeah I can help out if you want

Hey sorry I didn't get back to you, I still want you to read my story but the chapter I'm working on right now has a lot of action/development, and since I'm almost done with it, I thought I'd wait until I finished writing that chapter before I had you critique what I have. Can I DM you a link when I'm done?

Yes of course

Deleted user

Thank you very much for the thorough critique! It pointed out a lot of things that I didn't notice. Recently I've been trying my hardest to change my writing style and bit and show, not tell, as you suggested. It's going to take a lot of work though lol. I really appreciate this, so thank you :D

@luvofpotter

I'd love for you to read over the couple of chapters that I have written out. I like them, but I think that they need work, and I'm not sure where. Please let me know if you're interested.