forum I'll critique stories

Started October 18, 2018 by @Reblod flag

tune

I'll make a google doc to make life easier
I won't critique characters
I might offend someone but try not to take it personally

Carissa traced the knife along her scarred forearm. She looked up at the seemingly endless meadow stretching out before her. She looked further up for a moment, the blinding sunlight forced her gaze back down. Her golden hair floated in the warm gentle wind. She rolled her sweater sleeve down and rubbed at a smudge of dried blood on the dull blade. She noticed Cameron before he said anything, his brown hair was covered by a large sun hat. He took it off and put it on her.

“Why don’t you get into the shade?” He asked pushing the hat a bit too far onto her head. Cameron called himself her boyfriend, she would never disagree but the most intimate act they had performed was holding hands. Cameron sat down beside her and took her hand. For a guy his age, he wasn’t tall. He was somewhat muscular, of course, he was. He had a strong face, his eyes always seemed to be focused on something. Carissa noticed she hadn’t said anything.

“Hi Cameron,” she said. He laughed, Carissa liked his voice.

“Come here,” he pulled her onto her feet and led her to a large tree just a few feet away. The tree cast a thick shade.

“What time is it?” Carissa asked, pocketing her knife.

“Noon,” Cameron replied, sitting down against the tree. Carissa sat on his left and took the sun hat off. The hat tugged and messed up her hair as she did. She placed it on the ground. She could see the city, people walking, the construction site for the new radio tower. The safest place in the galaxy, Flora. Cameron took a soft breath, a soft gust lifted the hat and guided it towards him. He visibly strained as the hat landed on his lap. Carissa noticed blood dripping from his ear.

“Why did you do that?” She asked, “your ear is bleeding again.” Cameron cringed as Carissa took out her knife.

“I have to get better at it,” he said. Carissa forcefully dragged the blade across her forearm, hissing through her teeth.

“Hey!” Cameron shouted, “you don’t have to do that!”

“Too late now,” Carissa said getting up and placing her hand on his ear. The blood vanished. She always felt strange when using her ability. A strange rush. She could never explain it, not that she’s tried.

“Thanks,” Cameron said. She returned to her spot. “Your arm,” he pulled a towel from his back pocket and wrapped it around Carissa’s arm. She wondered if he kept that on his person at all times. “Want to go home?” She shrugged in response, they got up and started toward the city. Cameron took Carissa’s hand, she was happy. Wasn’t she? Wasn’t this safety enough? She thought Cameron was just being affectionate when he squeezed her hand. He was actually yelling. “It’s a Shinzen shuttle!” He was pointing into the air, Carissa whipped around. He was right, there was a shuttle heading toward Flora. The model was clearly too advanced to be any of the rebels.

“Shoot it down!” Carissa demanded, “hurry!” Cameron raised his left arm, using his right to keep it steady. Carissa covered her ears as sirens in the city starting blaring. A beam of concentrated light, it sliced through the air from Cameron's hand and struck the shuttle, it spiraled and crashed near the southern shore. Cameron fumbled for his radio,

“Shinzen shuttle near southern shore, crash landed, the pilot is most likely alive.” He reported robotically. He then turned to Carissa “Let’s go,”

Zaura Whotet and Angelica Lauss were the first to arrive on the southern shore. The two women had been jogging together when they saw the shuttle get shot out of the sky.

“There it is,” Zaura said. The shuttle had landed in the shallow water. They approached silently, on edge. “Can you get it out of the water?” Angelica extended her hand and made a motion as if she were flexing her biceps, the shuttle moved towards them pushing up a pile of sand. Zaura eagerly popped her knuckles as she made her way to the now accessible cockpit. A pair of women could be seen inside, Angelica gasped.

“It’s General Brollac!” Angelica proclaimed.

“Who?” Zaura asked. Angelica scoffed and shoved Zaura aside,

“She went missing in action five years ago,” Angelica explained while carefully removing the bolts holding the glass pane in place.

“So, she was captured?” Zaura asked

“Let’s find out,” Angelica tore the glass away and stepped inside. “Ms. Brollac, Are you alright?” Zaura watched the other woman, she was lying on the floor breathing lightly. Brollac was conscious, coughing.

“Help her” she sputtered,

“She’s bleeding!” Angelica threw a radio into Zaura’s hands, “get a medical team!”

“Listen to me!” Brollac snapped, her mouth was full of blood. “Help her,” she gestured weakly to the girl on the floor.

“I will,” Angelica assured her. “Just let me help you first,” Brollac’s head lolled to the side. “Hey! Don’t die!” Angelica tried to lift the woman out of the cockpit,

“Did we make it?” the girl on the floor sat up as others began to arrive on the scene, she crawled over to Angelica and Brollac. “Hey, guard lady,” her eyes widened when she saw what was happening. Angelica looked down at her,

“Who are you?”