forum I Finally Started My Novel!

Started January 27, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

So I finally decided to start my novel that I've been thinking about writing for about five years now. I suck at introductions though, so I'm probably going to need a lot of help getting it right. I haven't finished it yet, but I'd like to know what you guys think of it. (If you end up wanting to read more, then I'll know I've done well, lol)

“Where am I?” She asked. That’s all Alex could think to say. After all that happened, so many questions filled her brain, and it seemed like it had shut down. She hadn’t spoken for the past few hours, and she was still trembling, the movement causing the heavy chains wrapped around her wrist to clink.
“It’s best if you don’t ask questions right now,” the man answered from the other side of the room replied. A tear slid down Alex’s cheek. It surprised her a bit. She had cried so much, she wasn’t sure if it was possible for her eyes to produce any more tears. She let the liquid run down the side of her face, where it seeped through the corner of her mouth and onto her tongue.
“Try to get some sleep,” a woman said, who had been sitting next to the unfamiliar man.
But Alex couldn’t sleep, and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to. Every time she dared to close her eyes, the images of what had happened would play in her mind, over and over again. She could hear the screams again, and they were deafening. Alex would cover her ears, and shake so much that the chains would go from a soft, frequent clinking to a loud and violent rattling.
'Oh god', she thought. 'This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Please, let me go back. I want to get out of here, please…'
Alex was perfectly happy with the way it used to be. When she was happy, surrounded by friends and family. So she closed her eyes, and she remembered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Alexandria Labelle!” Her mother yelled from the kitchen. Alex groaned and rolled over, checking the time on her alarm clock. It read 7:45 AM.
“Mom, it’s not even 8 O’Clock in the morning, why are you waking me up so early?” She yelled back, but in a less authoritative tone. She waited a few moments for a response, but got none. That meant that there was no use in arguing. With a sigh, Alex through the duvet off and sat up, yawning.
That’s when her noisy sister Julia busted into her room, without knocking of course. The thirteen-year-old sported an annoyed expression, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Alex could tell she had stayed up late last night.
“Get up, loser. Daniel and Riley are here,” she said. Alex smiled a bit and swung her legs over the side of the bed.
“I’m guessing mom invited them over for an early breakfast when she found out they were coming to pick me up today? And my friends, being the polite, considerate, jerks they are, said yes?”
“Spot on, nerd,” Julia said with a laugh. She leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms. “So are you going to get ready, or are you going to sit on your lazy ass all day?”
“You’ve got to stop throwing insults at me like that. It really hurts my feelings, you know,” Alex said sarcastically. She smiled and stood up, walking to her closet to get changed while her sister chuckled in the doorway.
“Mom expects you out there in five minutes. Which really means you better be ready in two,” she said. Alex nodded.
“Okay, go get Valentina up then. I’ll be out soon.”

I like what you have so far! I do have some small suggestions, though:
-The first time 'she' and 'Alex' are used should be swapped-It doesn't make much sense to refer to her with pronouns before her name.
-"busted" as in"Julia busted into her room" should probably be replaced with "burst" or another verb-"busted" doesn't make a lot of sense in this context.
Overall, though, it's pretty good!

I like the pacing in the first section, it help sets a tone which is really good. I would recommend not using a "just woke up" scene, ever, to me they are an immediate red flag that the writing is done by someone inexperienced, especially when paired with sibling insults like you have done. Opening with a "Where am I?" is also another personal red flag for me, it often leaves behind very vague details and the last thing you should want the reader to feel is confused before the second paragraph. Your opening scene should immediately give the reader a sampling of the novel, it's themes and general ideas, and should leave an impression. The first words your character says also leave a strong impression on the reader, your character could be the smartest, or most well written, or nicest, but if they open their first conversation with an insult it will forever leave a bad taste in the mouth of the reader. Sorry if it was harsh, I didn't intend it to be and I hope this was constructive :)

@"n o s t r a d a m u s" No, it was actually really helpful! I actually prefer harsh critiques, I take them more seriously and look into what I wrote a little more, which results in me improving my writing quite a bit, so thank you very much!