Main character is Cameron and he's a former war hero who just got hired for a hit from a man by the name of Cyan. My story is much longer than this portion, it's just I really like this part, and I wanted to see if anyone else did!
Cameron wasted no time teleporting near where the parade was going to start; however, he wasn’t going to set up here. Cyan wanted the death to be loud, clean but brutal, and the best part: public. Cameron wanted to stretch out before he had to set up; so he started running across the concrete platform enjoying the smooth pumping motions in his thighs, his heart beating to continue supplying oxygen to his toned body, and of course the force of the ground hitting the bottoms of his feet. He enjoyed his speed and strength more than he ever has before, leaping over the gaps in between the buildings with apparent ease, inhaling breaths of air into his new lungs. The smell of gasoline brought him back to the present, however. He stopped dead; this was the building that he would (illegally) kill his first victim in over ten years. He recognized this with a wide smile. This was exhilarating! He could feel the blood pounding in his ears as he unclipped his rifle from his chest, and set up. Putting the bullets in, cocking the gun, and aiming for the area the car of the mayor will roll under in approximately ten minutes. People of the town crowded around chanting, “Change this town! Rid the crime! Come Mayor Pine, change us all into noblemen!”
Ten exhilarating minutes passed, and by the screams of the crowd, the mayor was approaching. His car eventually came into view. Cameron aimed over the heads of the people and Mayor Pine’s beautiful wife and held his breath. Cameron calmed his beating heart and pulled the trigger. The bullet glided through the air silently and quickly, piercing the Mayor on the side of his head, cracking the skull, through the brain, and out the other side. The poor people to the right of the Mayor got sprayed in his brains.
I actually really enjoyed this. Nice work! I do have three (very minor) critiques.
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The line, "This was exhilarating!" It's a bit redundant. It's kind of an example of telling vs. showing, except there's other bits in the narrative that show that he's excited without outright saying it (ie. wide smile and blood pounding in his ears kind of already tell us how the character is feeling). I hope that made sense.
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"The bullet glided through the air silently and quickly" I'm not an expert on guns, but I'm pretty sure a bullet being fired from a gun isn't usually silent. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, or if there's some other explanation for this but it just struck me as a little odd.
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"The poor people to the right of the Mayor got sprayed in his brains." I could be wrong about this as well, but I feel like it should be "sprayed with."
Anyways, overall though it was a good read. Sounds like you've got an interesting story in the works.
Thanks! I've actually already finished the story, I just like this bit a lot. And I was thinking about the bullet thing myself, and I was able to say that this is staged in a far future modern area place, so guns would've evolved as far as such. And I did go through and fix grammar. I also did totally understand the first bit, I know I'm a really abundant writer at times, lol. But with these in mind, thank you again! If you'd like to check out the whole story, I have a Wattpad with it. The link is https://www.wattpad.com/593082165-the-hitman%27s-intentions-part-1-killing-the-man.
Thank you so much again! ^D^
I was able to say that this is staged in a far future modern area place, so guns would've evolved as far as such.
That makes sense. And it did occur to me that that could be the case. I guess it's the kind of thing that you'd know from reading the whole story rather than just an excerpt.
I was able to say that this is staged in a far future modern area place, so guns would've evolved as far as such.
That makes sense. And it did occur to me that that could be the case. I guess it's the kind of thing that you'd know from reading the whole story rather than just an excerpt.
Actually, I didn't really put much emphasis on it in the story, but it is in the description.
