forum Hey, first chapter of a new story!! Tell me what you think!!

Started October 20, 2020 by Deleted user

tune

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(Yes, the formatting off. I know.)

"Dad… I don't wanna go on a date with her!" John Lovebird sighed. He was the prince of Lovebird, heir to the Lovebird Throne.
"She's the bloody princess of Horndog!! You will go on a date with her!!" George Lovebird the VII, king of Lovebird, Father of John Lovebird, shouted at John Lovebird. "It's going to be at a tavern!!" Rebecca Lovebird, the queen, and mother of John Lovebird, stated.

Ooh boy. First off, is this a serious story or some sort of parody? The names Lovebird and Horndog are so ridiculous that I can't take them seriously. Second, "Lovebird" is not a word that needs to the repeated so many times. Being the Prince of Lovebird implies that he will take the Lovebird throne. George being John's father implies that his last name is also Lovebird, and its king. Same with Rebecca.

The princess of Horndogs, named Jessica Horndog, was already at the rather empty tavern, waiting for John. She and looked very similar. Elizabeth Horndog, Jessica's exiled sister, was the waitress of the two royal teens. Elizabeth and Jessica looked very similar. Jessica had already ordered a drink.

You just jump from the Lovebird palace to a tavern with no transition at all, which doesn't work. You repeat that Elizabeth and Jessica look similar twice. I also don't really buy that an important marriage alliance is allowed to take place in the tavern that the princess's disgraced sister works at. Also, I doubt that the exiled princess is allowed to keep her royal surname.

Having known Elizabeth's background, her chances at finding love were slim. Knowing her job was the only place she could go away from her abusive family.
"Another day stuck in a stupid tavern job…" She sighed, defeated by work.
"Here is your drink m'lady," Elizabeth replied, obviously hating her job.
"Thank you, peasant." Jessica said, drinking it.
"Oh, I must go to the bathroom." Jessica whispered a few minutes later, running to the bathroom.

Incredibly stilted dialogue. If her tavern job is "the only place she could go away from her abusive family", why does she hate it? Wasn't she exiled? If she's exiled, she wouldn't be around her family anyways. "Thank you, peasant" comes off as super forced, there's far better ways to show that Jessica is stuck-up and classist.

Now was Elizabeth's chance to become royalty. She sat down in the chair and just imagined her life as if she was in Jessica's shoes. The thoughts of endless feasts, ball gowns, and all the suitors at her doorstep. The only thing was, she disliked Lovebirds.
John walked into the tavern and saw the princess. At least, what he thought was the princess. He had purple and blue eyes, green hair, and was very, very cute.

It would make more sense to describe Elizabeth here as opposed to John, since it's talking about him seeing who he thinks is the princess.

"Hello, m'lady!" He bowed before her.
She jumped, shocked at the gesture, Maybe this is the guy my sister was going to meet. Better play the part, Elizabeth thought.
"Hello, sir." She did a curtsy.
"How are you, m'lady?" He said, not noticing that she said sir instead of m'lord.
"I'm alright." She knew this was her only chance to talking to a guy. He sat down next to her.
"Princess of Horndog, aye?" He asked, curious. "What's your name, m'lady?"
He thinks I am my sister?!? She thought.
"Uhm….uh….It's Elizabeth, Elizabeth Horndog."
"Nice to meet you, Elizabeth Horndog. My name's John Lovebird."
"L-Lovebird?!?" She exclaimed , eyes widening in fear. She fell out of the chair just in time when her sister arrived.

Overuse of "m'lady". If she was royalty, and the marriage pact was pre-planned, why doesn't it occur to her that the man her sister, the princess, is meeting is a Lovebird?

"Elizabeth!!!" Jessica said, coming back out from the bathroom
"Sorry about my sister…" She stated, sitting down.
"She's prettier." He stated coolly about Elizabeth Horndog. Elizabeth just looked down and went to get him a drink.
"Your sister is nice." John said.
"Yeah… she was exiled out of the royal family." Jessica replied
"Why?"
"Because she was pathetic."
"Oh…"

The comment about Jessica's looks, especially unprompted since she hadn't even done anything rude, just makes John look like an asshole. That's…not how exiling works. You can't just exile a princess for being "pathetic", whatever that's supposed to mean. In order for a royal family to kick out a potential ruler or bargaining chip (which a child would be seen as) just for being "pathetic" is very unrealistic, just because she's not a great fighter or something doesn't mean that she couldn't be married off, trained in court politics, etc.

Elizabeth came back, drinks and food on a tray and placed them down. " Here you are m'lady and sir.." She bowed and waited by her sister's side. John kept looking at Elizabeth, noticing her beauty, compared to her sister. She saw him staring at her and blushed, then heard her name be called.
"Please excuse me…" Elizabeth sighed
"Oh, of course!" Jessica said. Jessica and John kept talking and going about their forced date.

Again, I find it hard to believe that a royal date is being held in an old tavern. It would be far more realistic for the date to be held at one of the palaces. The comments pitting Jessica and Elizabeth against each other with their looks are still useless, especially since Jessica has been nothing but kind.

Later, at night, John decided to visit Elizabeth, but to do that, he had to sneak out of the huge castle. And sneak out he did. He was looking around the town she was in.
Elizabeth plopped on her scrappy bed in the barn, about to go to sleep, when she heard a scratching on a window. It was John.
"Hello!!!" he said, wanting in. She jumped and opened the window.
"What are you doing??" She whispered.
"I wanted to talk to you more!!!" he said, not being very royal-like. He was dressed like a commoner now, compared to earlier, when he was dressed like a king. She sighed and sat on her scrap bed.

Way too many question marks and exclamation points. So he was dressed like a king and obviously wasn't a brother of hers, and she still didn't realize he was a Lovebird?

"Why would someone like yourself wanna talk to a lowlife reject like me?" Elizabeth asked
"Because your beauty surpasses the break of dawn, surpasses even the most beautiful flower, the shiniest metal." John stated.
"No one else thinks that of me. They think I'm a disgrace to the Horndog name…" She said, blushing.
She looked around and turned her back to show her burn mark.
"Because they think i'm marked by the evil…"
"The Evil Star of the South?" He asked, shocked. She nodded and pulled her shirt back down.
"My sister has ever since done nothing but use me as her servant"
"That sucks…" He said, hating that. "Sorry for scaring you earlier.."
"I'm used to worse." She shrugged.
"Tell me about yourself…" He said, changing the subject. It was a cold March night, but it felt warm in the barn.
"Well for one , I am the youngest of my family, and being the youngest means I have to take over after my sister marries …." She sighed.
"But your sister said you were exiled…" He questioned, confused.

You need some explanation for the Evil Star of the South. Why is it so hated that the girl who'll take over when he sister marries gets exiled? Why did they exile her and not try to cure her of it?

"Yeah, but due to that, i instantly lost that right… so i'm treated as badly as the servants.."
"That sucks… My father treats his servants with respect and honor…" He said, contrasting the two kingdoms.
She sighed and kicked the ground.
"We always were scared of Lovebirds."
"Why?" He didn't know the history.

So is she or is she not exiled? "Exiled" means that she was kicked out of the palace, if not out of Horndog entirely, but you seem to think it means that she was disowned. An exiled princess would not be demoted to servant and kept, she would be sent to another country or, at the very least, kicked out of the palace, capital city, etc. I also don't buy that the prince doesn't know the history of this contentious feud. He'd probably know a biased, one-sided version, sure, but he would know about it.

"There is a story about how Lovebirds and Horndogs used to be friends, but Lovebirds would force Horndogs to make them love potions from the Olden Tree."
"You mean the story of the Platinum Star?" He said. "Mother used to read me that for a bedtime story. Something about The Olden Tree? Like, Lovebirds and Horndogs alike used to fall in love under the Olden tree or something?"
"Yeah.." She replied, noticing his beautiful multi colored eyes. He somehow looked cuter in the faint moonlight.
"I never told you about me, did I?" He stated. She shook her head no. Her eyes glistened in the moonlight and her hair perfectly placed.

What does "her hair perfectly placed" mean? You need to phrase that better. And why are her eyes glistening? Also, holy instalove Batman.

"Well, I am the prince of Lovebird, I'm an only child, and I have lots of suitresses… but none of them compare to you…" He muttered the last part. She blushes, scooting closer.
"Man that's gotta be nice, being the only child."
"Yeah…" He hated being a only child. "It musta been nice to have a sibling…" He retorted. Her lips look very soft, he noticed.
"No not really, they think they own you…especially when you practice magic…." She stopped and her eyes widened. "I've said too much."
"Magic? I know some magic myself…" He stated. He wanted to show it off some. She looked at him shocked. Next thing you know, glistening butterflies fluttered around them.
"I bet you can control your magic though…"
"Yeah…" He said, turning into a dragon. He was a small dragon, with green scales and white wings. She turned into a unicorn, her burn on her back, almost like a star.
"Woah…You look so…" She said.
"Small?" He stated, defeated. "I know…"
"No, really cute." She blushed. She leaned towards his face. He, like most 15 year old boys, was oblivious. He flew around Elizabeth. She just wanted to look at his eyes. She transformed back into her human form. He looked at her, and transformed again. Someone, who we don't know the name of, saw.
"Your eyes…" He stated, staring into them. She Looked away
"Yeah I know… the mark for being exiled…"
"No… your eyes are beautiful…" He said, leaning forward to look at them. She blushed deeper red.
"r-really?"

Again, in! sta! love! Why is this the first time that the shapeshifting is being mentioned? If you're not going to name who saw, don't mention it. It feels out of place there.

"Yes…" he looked at her. "More beautiful than the sunset…I just… I don't know why I feel this things… what do they call it… 'emotions'? It's so confusing… but I wanna feel like you're the thing that makes me smile… 'happy', as commoners call it." She just looked at him and kissed his lips. He looked shocked.

This is….extremely instalovey. They've met once, briefly, before this. Also, how the fuck does he not know what emotions are?

"… What… just happened?" That had never happened with a cute girl before. She pushed herself away. " I just kissed the prince…" She said in a panicked voice.
"I… enjoyed that." He said, kissing her back.
I'm kissing a commoner!! He thought. She kissed back. His lips felt so warm and soft.
I don't wanna stop! She thought as well. He kissed her deeper.
This feels like heaven!!! John thought as well. Elizabeth was in so much bliss, sighing into his soft lips. Elizabeth's own lips were softer than cotton.

Too. Much. Punctuation. Use one mark.

"Your lips are so soft~" He flirted. Elizabeth pulled away, catching her breath. She saw the sunlight peak through a window, hearing the footsteps of her sister approaching.
"I should leave… meet me here tomorrow night, 'kay?" He said, leaving. She nodded and cleaned herself up. Her sister walked in.
"Good morning M'lady" she curtsied.
"Hello, peasant." Jessica sighed, disgusted by Elizabeth. "I heard noises. Kissing noises…"
"I was kissing my pillow ma'am. " Elizabeth stated, fear in her voice.
"You don't have a pillow. What were you kissing? The horses' arse?" Jessica retorted. Elizabeth looked down.
"The hay on the floor ma'am…"

So she just…lives in the palace barn then? That's not being exiled. If Jessica comes in right after John, as is implied, how does she not see him? More importantly, how can she be close enough to hear them kissing but not see John as he leaves?

"Hmm… well, I'm off to find another suitor! If only they were girls suitors…" She said, giving a hint. Elizabeth looked away as soon as she left.

I'm assuming you mean "if only there were girl suitors"? And that's not a hint, that's just all but coming out. And why would Jessica want her sister, who she clearly hates, to know that she's gay when that could probably be used against her?

John, meanwhile, bumped into Wesley Shortwert, his friend.
"Hello, Johnny!! Wanna explore a cave today?" Wes said with a southern accent. Wesley went to find a cave
"Sure, Wes!!" John said, following Wesley. They went to explore a cave. Before longer, it was night.

I've noticed this thing that you do where you'll mention something interesting like exploring a cave, and then end it in the next line? John and Wesley exploring the cave could be good character development for them both (and maybe even give John a personality), but you just glaze over it to jump to the next scene. Also, it should be "before long".

"I gotta go, sir." John said, leaving.
"Okay, see you tomorrow!!" Wesley said, waving bye. John waved back.John traveled to where he was last night, to where Elizabeth was. She was bound to be there. She was washing her face from whip marks and bruises.

If Elizabeth was whipped in the face, she'd be in no condition to be on her feet. She'd probably be very badly injured. You might want to look up the various weapons and such that you use to see how they actually would impact someone.

"Elizabeth?" John whispered. "Are you here?" She jumped and put on her cloak.
"Y-yeah, i'm in here , m'lord." She stuttered.
"No need for the formalities, Elizabeth." He stated, dropping said formalities.
"I.. enjoyed our… kiss yesterday…" He said, reminiscing about that.
She looked down hair over her face. "M-me too…" She stuttered.
"Shall we…" He hesitated. "Continue?" She looked up at him, face bruised and swollen.
"What happened?" He asked, concerned
"N-nothing, I just fell…" She covered her face in her hands.
"Don't lie to me…" He stated. She started to cry,
"M-my sister…she does this when i disobey her…"
"I… " He was at a loss for words. "Shit. I'm sorry for that happening…" She sighed. " Don't be, i'm used to it at this point. " She sat on her straw bed.
"I'll have some words with the king of Horndog later…" He laid beside her. "For now, I'll just lay here beside you." She laid on him and kissed him lightly.
"No need…"
"Why not? He can't just abuse his daughter like that, exiled or not!!" He was about to go on another rant, but he was interrupted by lips. She gazed into his eyes and kissed him deeper. He was shocked and surprised, but kissed back, just as deep. She pulled away and sighed.
"I think I'm falling for you…" She huffed.
"I think I'm falling for you too…" He panted. He kissed her some more. She leaned into the kiss. Without warning, her sister barged in and saw them.

Again, mother of all instalove. Not to mention that you're more or less using Elizabeth's abuse as an excuse to get her and John together so they can kiss, which is disgusting. If Elizabeth was beaten and whipped, as you said, in the face, she'd be in no condition to be kissing. Her face would be swollen, bloody, and in pain.

"ELIZABETH!!! HOW DARE YOU!!" Jessica shouted, pale and disgusted. Elizabeth backed up and looked down.
"That was my future husband-" Jessica said, interrupted by John
"Husband???? What do you mean, Husband??" John asked, interrogative.
"We were arranged to get marr-" John kissed Elizabeth, to show spite to Jessica. She gasped and kissed back.
"AH! You two… sicken me!! I'm leaving!" She huffed and left.

TOO MUCH PUNCTUATION! Being angry at the man you're set to marry because he's with your sister…is fully justified? Jessica is bad and all for abusing Elizabeth, but she's in the right here.

"Finally." John stated. "Elizabeth… there's something I must confess…" She pulled away.
"Yes m'lord? " She asked, worried slightly.
"No formalities. And… I think… I think I love you." He confessed. She looked at him, eyes wide.
"Do you feel the same?" he asked, concerned.
"Y-yes. " She blushed and hugged him. "But isn't it against the law to love me?"
"I don't care if it is.." He hugged her back "I just wanna be with you!! I'd travel the 9 Crimson Seas fo you!!" The 9 Crimson Seas were the most treacherous bodies of water that had ever existed. It was so dangerous, that 1 out of 10 ships sank when they were conversing them.

Big infodump with the bit about the seas. Again, this is super glaring instalove. This feels like it could be an entire short story, but you crush it down into the opening chapter. I 100% do not buy that John is willing to risk everything, including his throne (and his family, since he's the only heir) for this girl he's talked to three times tops. Elizabeth and John are also both quite bland, they don't have any chemistry. If they had chemistry, I could at least look over the instalove for the sake of the romance, but there's just nothing there.

All in all, it needs a lot of work.

oooooooh boy.
Oh geez.
This reads like a Wattpad fanfic. I can't put it any better than @SpookyScarySnoteleks but oh man was this a trip.

oooooooh boy.
Oh geez.
This reads like a Wattpad fanfic. I can't put it any better than @SpookyScarySnoteleks but oh man was this a trip.

(I… Know… My bad.)

Just-
Are you having trouble with personality?
Because I'm gonna be real with you, my Irish fren. You want characters that the reader can fall in love with and root for. These are just… 2-dimensional. Flat, if you will.

Make 'em stand out my guy :)
I want John to be the type of complex character I can cry over :')

Elizabeth is sort of just every Cinderella archetype, but without any of Cinderella's motivation and drive. John is just plain bland. Jessica is easily the most interesting character.

Just-
Are you having trouble with personality?
Because I'm gonna be real with you, my Irish fren. You want characters that the reader can fall in love with and root for. These are just… 2-dimensional. Flat, if you will.

(Thanks. I… don't know how to make a character lovable… I have terrible time making characters believable…)

Oh dude if you need any help lemme know! <3

Not a problem! There's a lot of potential here and with the right guidance I think you could really have something special!

Go right on ahead :)

Oh hell yes we can form an editing club :')

One other thing to note is the tone. It seems really juvenile, since it's a pretty simplistic instalove plot and the characters have funny surnames, brightly colored hair and eyes, etc., but then it also deals with abuse, there's swearing, and two of the leads have "Horndog" as a surname, which is more mature. I just can't tell what you mean for the target audience to be.

I'm not gonna lie I deadass snorted when I first read "Horndog"