forum Here's my story, please critique fairly

Started June 04, 2020 by Deleted user

tune

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First one https://www.notebook.ai/documents/99475

How many chapters are there?

I'm haven't finished reading it yet, but here's a couple things I'm noticing so far:

• Opening your story with "Hi, my name is____" is not only kind of overdone and cliched but not a very strong opening. You want your opening line to grab the reader's attention and this doesn't really do it for me. If you're going to stick to that for your opening line, it better be followed up with something really interesting or crazy, and "And you're reading my book," isn't that.
• This might be more personal preference, but I'm kind of feeling like the first paragraph as a whole just isn't really needed. It's super vague and even though it gives us some idea of what to expect, we're probably going to get all this information later on in the story anyways.
• You also directly address the reader a bunch in the first paragraph, but then once we hit chapter one there's no more fourth wall breaks. Write your story however you want, but either commit to breaking the fourth wall or don't.
• The pacing in the first chapter is absolutely wild. We start off with your character between classes and three sentences later it's night? Slow down.
• We're also introduced to Madison, but we have no idea who she is. All we know about her is her name. If she's going to be an important character, tell us a little more about her. If she's not, then why are we meeting her in the opening line?
• For longer dialogue you can break it up by putting a dialogue tag in the middle rather than having your characters say everything and putting ___ said at the end. (ie. “Sure," I said, "I’m going swimming in a minute. Wanna join?” rather than “Sure. I’m going swimming in a minute. Wanna join?” I remarked.)
• Your character refers to Faith as her girlfriend but they only just met. That's a little bit rushed, don't you think?
• You have a tendency to tell rather than show in your writing. For instance, at one point you tell us that Chris is "moping around" which is not only lazy writing, but it doesn't give us the reader a strong impression of what's happening. Does he have his head down? Not making eye contact? A little more quiet than usual? Give us some imagery.
• What do you have against using the word "said?" I know that some writers will insist that said is dead, but it's best just to write what you mean. "I remarked," "She bubbled" "I commented," "I gleamed," all felt a little out of place to me and could have just been substituted with said.
• “Gay? We know.” He sounded relieved. Who the heck is speaking here?
• Your prologue(?) indicates some kind of supernatural type of story, but I'm not really getting that with the first chapter. You'll want to start your story as close to the inciting incident as possible.

Sorry that was kind of long. Hope I wasn't too harsh, and hopefully you'll find at least some of this helpful. I'd be happy to elaborate on anything if I was unclear at all.

I'm haven't finished reading it yet, but here's a couple things I'm noticing so far:

• Opening your story with "Hi, my name is____" is not only kind of overdone and cliched but not a very strong opening. You want your opening line to grab the reader's attention and this doesn't really do it for me. If you're going to stick to that for your opening line, it better be followed up with something really interesting or crazy, and "And you're reading my book," isn't that.
• This might be more personal preference, but I'm kind of feeling like the first paragraph as a whole just isn't really needed. It's super vague and even though it gives us some idea of what to expect, we're probably going to get all this information later on in the story anyways.
• You also directly address the reader a bunch in the first paragraph, but then once we hit chapter one there's no more fourth wall breaks. Write your story however you want, but either commit to breaking the fourth wall or don't.
• The pacing in the first chapter is absolutely wild. We start off with your character between classes and three sentences later it's night? Slow down.
• We're also introduced to Madison, but we have no idea who she is. All we know about her is her name. If she's going to be an important character, tell us a little more about her. If she's not, then why are we meeting her in the opening line?
• For longer dialogue you can break it up by putting a dialogue tag in the middle rather than having your characters say everything and putting ___ said at the end. (ie. “Sure," I said, "I’m going swimming in a minute. Wanna join?” rather than “Sure. I’m going swimming in a minute. Wanna join?” I remarked.)
• Your character refers to Faith as her girlfriend but they only just met. That's a little bit rushed, don't you think?
• You have a tendency to tell rather than show in your writing. For instance, at one point you tell us that Chris is "moping around" which is not only lazy writing, but it doesn't give us the reader a strong impression of what's happening. Does he have his head down? Not making eye contact? A little more quiet than usual? Give us some imagery.
• What do you have against using the word "said?" I know that some writers will insist that said is dead, but it's best just to write what you mean. "I remarked," "She bubbled" "I commented," "I gleamed," all felt a little out of place to me and could have just been substituted with said.
• “Gay? We know.” He sounded relieved. Who the heck is speaking here?
• Your prologue(?) indicates some kind of supernatural type of story, but I'm not really getting that with the first chapter. You'll want to start your story as close to the inciting incident as possible.

Sorry that was kind of long. Hope I wasn't too harsh, and hopefully you'll find at least some of this helpful. I'd be happy to elaborate on anything if I was unclear at all.

This has been nicer than what I've been getting really recently, so thank you. And if the people im talking about read this, this is what i mean by constructive criticism; not cussing at me and calling me a cuntmuffin.

I rewrote the prologue btw:
Her Mother was a Angel, her father was a human; She was a Halman. Her name is Allison Mercy.
Allison has strawberry blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and is friends with the Angel of Death herself, Azrael.
Together with Azrael, Damien (her boyfriend), and others, they travel to alternate universes and different countries all the way to Paradox Vortex, Montana. There, the showdown with Vozreal, a being as old as time who sounds like he's a 1930s radio host and has terrifying crimson eyes, begins.

Alright let's get into this.

• Already opening line, As A reader I'm automatically thinking, Rick Riordan rip off. This only works for him because it Rick Riordan and he has established it as his way of introducing you to a story. I'm not saying you can't use it, I'm saying that you are automatically going to be compared to this legend of a writer. You have to be conscious of that. By using his opening you are now going to be held to his standard . Not something you really want as a new or even old author. This Idea is meant to be a framing device, Allison is telling this story. If you're going to start this way you have to commit to it. She has to interject into the story with hindsight, otherwise you might as well trash this whole first paragraph. Also just within this paragraph There's a conflict in Idea's, first we're not supposed to keep reading then we are, and the reason we're given is Might as well when earlier we were told not to because we would be killed. That's a very big jump that does not line up.
• Alright jumping into the story, I'm already confused, clarity is everything in this particular situation. Is she telling Madison her dream? Why are you mentioning this conversation if it's not important? There are little stylistic choices that I disagree with such as being repetitive and some choppy Dialog. Tip for Dialog, say it out loud and make sure it's something someone would actually say.
• The Dream sequence. Show don't tell, what makes a voice demonic? I can think of several way's that can be interpreted, Deep and Gravelly, Uncommonly smooth and alluring, Scratchy and abrasive, I don't know what he sounds like from that description. @Starfast Mentions that you underused the word said, I'm of the belief that when you do use the word said, you should add something after it. Whether it's an action the character is doing or a facial expression or just the general lilt of the character's voice, "She said, looking down at the creature.". I personally find this dream to be lacking details, All I know is that the room is dark, it had a pentagram, and there's a woman. We don't know what the woman looks like, we don't know any of the actions she is doing, what leads Allison to believe she is trying to summon something? Is she chanting? Are her hands dripping with blood? Descriptive words are very important and I'm not seeing very many of them. Also she calls the Demon master, but then she commands him to do stuff? That's a little contradictory. Try changing up the Dialog, She could say, "It's ready, Shall be begin?" or something so she's not telling him what to do.
• This is the second time you've tossed a name into the story with out any context, first Madison, now Adam. What do they look like, Why does she recognized it as Adam, who even is Adam to her?
• Transitions are tricky and they are important, I'm seeing a jump cut to the next day, I would like to see a transition, maybe she's looking back on the memory of this dream and her thoughts are interrupted by this girl walking up, give me a transition, it's aloud to be Jarring but it Needs to be there.
• This whole interaction between Faith and Allison feels inorganic and it could be a wonderful opportunity to add flavor to these Characters, does Faith stutter as she speaks, can you tell she's nervous, does she make eye contact or not. What about Allison, Is she shocked by this, Was this a calm reaction or was it a panicked reply, give me some character. this has the potential to be a really good scene.
• Again Transitions I'm not seeing them, Or details, she was playing Volleyball, who was she playing with were they alright with her just leaving? You could introduce character's here and establish friendships, It feels like a missed opportunity to display characters.
• So, Again, Show don't tell. If you're worried about readers not catching on to the emotion because you're in first person you can show and then tell us what you're showing.
• So, I've never heard of someone asking someone out and then with out any further conversation being in a committed relationship, Like they need to decide together that they're Girlfriends. and it has to be a conversation. I have seen it move that quickly in real life I've just always seen it as a conversation.
• I'm beginning to sound like an Old Record but please, Show don't tell. How are they playing, how can we tell he's moping. This whole conversation is lacking description. I cant stress descriptions enough. Also saying someone 'Act's Gay'… That can lead to some issues. you don't want you're first real description of a character to be, "Oh he's this stereotype".
• Transition, give me one please.

Over all from Chapter one, I've learned nothing about your characters. I know their names and that's pretty much it. I mean we know Chris is Gay and that he 'Act's Gay' which I have already expressed my concerns over. I don't know anything about any of the characters personalities really.
Right now I'm reading an event, I want to read a story. You have all of the elements for a story here, you just need to add details and character.

Sorry If I sound harsh. I'm not one to soften my words. Right now I see a Lot of problems, but they're fixable. I see potential, but it needs work still. I apologize for any Typos and Misspellings.

I'm gonna rewrite it so please ignore this from now on! I will come back when I have finished, okay?

I wrote this having no experience with writing at all, but now I have some experience with writing so I will rewrite it

I rewrote the prologue btw:
Her Mother was a Angel, her father was a human; She was a Halman. Her name is Allison Mercy.
Allison has strawberry blonde hair, emerald green eyes, and is friends with the Angel of Death herself, Azrael.
Together with Azrael, Damien (her boyfriend), and others, they travel to alternate universes and different countries all the way to Paradox Vortex, Montana. There, the showdown with Vozreal, a being as old as time who sounds like he's a 1930s radio host and has terrifying crimson eyes, begins.

This still reads a little more like a blurb than it does a prologue. A prologue should feel more like a chapter. If you're dead set on having a prologue, I'd recommend reading some published books to kind of get an idea of what they should be like. Consider also that not every book needs a prologue and that maybe you don't need one (I know how hard it can be do not publish something you've worked hard on, because I'm currently in this exact same situation).

This has been nicer than what I've been getting really recently, so thank you. And if the people im talking about read this, this is what i mean by constructive criticism; not cussing at me and calling me a cuntmuffin.

You're welcome. I know that receiving a lot of constructive criticism at once can be overwhelming, so I'm glad that you found it to be helpful. And sorry to hear that people have been giving you a hard time :( That's really awful.