forum Help on a very strange 500-or-so word story
Started by @amber_is_in_a_loop
tune

people_alt 39 followers

@amber_is_in_a_loop

Thank you!!

The sunlight. That was the first thing he noticed. It reflected off the pristine surface of the water, shining a spotlight on her purity.
Then, the fish. Fish of all colours, sizes and speed zoomed around, creating their own world within her welcoming arms.
Finally, the wind, creating delicate ripples in intricate patterns across her surface. He’d always thought she looked so beautiful when troubled; he could look over in the middle of a hurricane as every single of one of his leaves was ripped away from him and there she’d be, perfectly wild, droplets of herself spraying her surroundings.
He wished he was nearer, just a little bit, near enough to feel her cool touch in those instances.

He stood proud. He never bowed his head, never let a bough fall away. He was sturdy and tall, much more so than her liquid, malleable self.
Where she was transparent and colourless, he was emerald and dark gold.
Where she relied on her inhabitants to be noticed, he hosted a crowd of his own living flora.
Where she patiently waited for the rains to feed her, he dug his own sources and carefully made sure every one of his limbs and leaves got what they needed.
And then when spring came around, he was bursting with beauty: exquisitely shaped blossoms, glowing pale pink against his bright greenery, dainty and colourful amid the mere evergreens around him.

Sometimes if the wind flew right, the timid sound of her trickling water reached him, soothing any leaf or flower agitatedly shaking with the bustling air.
Sometimes, if the previous sway had aimed him right, he could catch flawlessly framed reflection of a setting sun and her smooth iridescent curves overlapping over the brilliant orange mass she’d caught and improved upon.

Every time she dared peek over, she’d catch the light tune of a young hummingbird, protected and cared for by his strong branches. He kept all vulnerable birds under his wing,shielding them from the rest of the wild.
Occasionally she would find herself idly tuning in to hear the symphony of his simple being: the whistling of a breeze through his leaves, the chirping of his young residents, the creaking of bark and wood… all expertly layered. It distracted her from her own dull, constant rush of water on rock that everyone eventually got sick of.

One day the storms came. The entire clearing cowered in fear, cast to and fro in a violent shaking of their very roots.
With a vicious crack, he was torn from his position and toppled from his height.

Ripped away from my invincible base, I collapsed onto the forest floor, petals and leaves flying away from me in an attempt to escape. A great puddle of sap pooled beneath me, leaking into her, tainting her.
A single silver lining to the massacre: he was close to me. His battered leaves fluttered a breachable few yards away.

A small little wind, left behind by the hurricane, flew past. A pink spot lifted off the ground, the fragile petal whirling through the air. Both held their breaths, watching. It gently settled on the water.

@saor_illust school

the one thing that really stands out to me is the fact that i can't really tell what the main characters are. even though i know one is a pond, and one is a tree, if i didn't know that i would be really confused. if there is a he and a she, who is "i"? in addition, the ending doesn't feel really feel like a finality to me.

but other than that, this is really great, and honestly the line "With a vicious crack, he was torn from his position and toppled from his height." really got me.