forum Grateful for comments
Started by @Radioflyer
tune

people_alt 53 followers

@Radioflyer

I don't normally write, so I would appreciate any critiques or comments on my first go at this…

More specifically, I'm interested if it flows well, or if anything seems to get bogged down anywhere. Or if it lacks detail on anything..

@LaniGirl

First thing, any reader will notice is how long the first chapter is. For anyone who isn't me, the length of the first chapter is likely to throw people off.

As for flowing, at the beginning it's a nice start, you can already picture the main character from the first few lines (done REALLY well by the way) but it'd be nice to throw in a name or gender (if they're conforming) a bit earlier than you do. I forget to do that ALL the time so don't even worry about it, we just have to remember that readers don't know your character as well as you do.
Speaking of which, the information smash in the third paragraph is a little overwhelming so maybe try spacing that out?

Generally theres a few grammar things, but other than that I think it's spectacular! It's got a really interesting concept and you definitely want to know what happens next as a reader.

Love it!!

@Radioflyer

Thank you so much @LaniGirl! That is what i was i needed.

I can't do much about the length, since that's the sort of books I read and like too.

I think you were talking about the paragraphs on the house being too long. Those are probably a bit much. I forget that MY need to know what the house looks like is not the same for the reader.

I will see what I can do about introducing her earlier too.

Thank you so much again!!